Archive | December, 2011

12: “Not Pregnant”

29 Dec

I had an unusually long cycle this month.  Long as in I was 4 days late. 4.  We got our hopes up.  So up that I ventured to use one of our digital pregnancy tests when I woke up today.  They aren’t cheap and I’ve been saving them.

My period started right after this came up.  Double whammy.

It’s a bummer, but I’m finding comfort in the fact that Jeremy goes to see the urologist on Tuesday and I go see my doctor a couple weeks after that.  It will give me something to focus on.

I’m still working on healthy recipes.  I’m going to start posting our favorites soon.  Jeremy’s been a trooper when it comes to his vitamins, eating healthy, and cutting back on caffeine and alcohol.  We’ve got a lot of wine in the house right now because Christmas and my birthday were last weekend and we I wasn’t drinking.  So I’ll be drinking some of that tonight. 😉

Our Christmas was pretty good.  I was more emotional  that usual, but it really hit me that if we’d gotten pregnant when we started trying 12 cycles ago, we would have had a baby to share Christmas with by now.

I am, however, loving the novels, history, gardening, cooking, and preserving books my family showered me with this year.  Jeremy gave me a super cute journal.  I’m hoping it will encourage me to do more journaling as life seems to make more sense when I can write it out.

Christmas/Birthday = Book Heaven

I’m going to start planning my garden out in January.  I’m totally revamping it this spring.  I’m dying to start utilizing all of the square-foot gardening techniques, but it’s silly to build raised beds if we end up buying a house this summer.

Meanwhile, I’ve started my application to Aurora University’s Post-Baccalaureate Secondary Education Certification program.  I’m aiming to start in the fall.  It should take me 2 years with all of the endorsements and extra certifications I want.  If I hate teaching high school, I should be more than prepared at that point to teach adults and get paid for it. 😉

More later, I just wanted to give you a quick update on life.

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Thank Goodness for the Bloggers

5 Dec

I’m not going to lie, things have been pretty rough lately.  I’m a lot angrier than I thought I would be and  than I think I should be.  I’m angry that our bodies aren’t working like they should be, that we’re having to think the word “infertility” at 23, that things aren’t as easy as they should be.  And sad.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt so sad before.  It’s a weird feeling.  No guilt or worry is attached to it.  I’m just really really sad.  I keep telling myself (out loud, usually 😉 ) that I need to snap out of it and start moving forward, but I think this is just one of those times that I really do need to let my emotions play out.

We’ve been reading up on IVF and IUI’s and while that’s all fine and dandy, I’m so sad we can’t do this naturally.  I’ve done so much research on natural pregnancy and childbirth and have been so excited about being able to do this for our child.  But now, I can’t even manage to conceive naturally.  Jeremy keeps telling me I need to stop beating myself up.  I know he’s right, but I really hate to be told “no.”  And I feel like I’ve just gotten a big, fat “no” to having a baby.

And the crying?!?!  I’ve cried so much lately (usually at nothing worth crying over) that I’m pretty sure if I ever do get pregnant I won’t be able to top this. 😉
I’ve been connecting with other bloggers lately and have been feeling really at peace with the fact that I’m not alone in this.  Any of it.  The sadness and the anger.  AND THE GOD AWFUL, NEVER ENDING, DROP OF A HAT CRYING!  For serious, it’s getting ridiculous…
I’m really thankful for those ladies around the world who are willing to share their experiences with me.  We don’t know anyone who has navigated this craziness before, so it’s really great to connect and feel like there are so many other women and men going through the same feelings and ideas that we are.

Happy news?  We moved into our new bedroom last week and we love it.  It’s not finished yet, but it’s so cozy and nice that we really don’t mind.  I’ll write a more detailed post once it’s totally finished, but here’s a quick shot:

The cats are loving our fluffy new duvet. =)

My Love Will Be There Still

1 Dec

This whole year we’ve been trying to have a baby, I’ve been beating myself up and assuming it was my fault.  I’ve felt so defective and so useless as a woman.  I blamed my cycles, my stress, my poor immune system, and a medication I took when I was 18.  There were times of desperation, of hopelessness, of guilt, of despair, of depression, of worry, of disappointment, and everything in between.

We didn’t know that our whole baby making world was going to get tipped on it’s side and then rolled around a bit when my last cycle ended.

The week of Thanksgiving, Jeremy went to the infertility clinic to get a quick test done.   Our year of trying to get pregnant will be up after this next cycle, and we wanted to rule out any problems with him before we started scheduling doctor’s appointments.
His results came back this past Monday and knocked us both over in shock.  It’s not me.  It’s him.  Our likelihood of conceiving naturally over the course of 2 years is only 1%.

96% are all the way to the right.

When we found out, my heart broke a little bit.  Not because our baby making journey just got that much more challenging, but because I had a good idea as to how he must have been feeling.  He held up like a trooper though.  He’s been the strong one all along, and he seemed to get that much stronger when he found out.
After being in shock for 5 minutes, we got to work doing research and emailing our doctors.  He’ll go see a urologist in January and I’ll go see my doctor the following week.  He’s started taking multivitamins and a host of other supplements.  We could still get pregnant naturally with his number of normal sperm, but his number of straight swimming, mobile sperm is only 2%.  That is the major problem at this point.  We’re going to start going to the gym and eating better as well.  Each of these things has been proven to improve male fertility.

While this news was hard to hear, it could have been something so much worse.  No one is dying, no one is sick.   We’ve come to terms with never having a baby.  We’re still going to try our hardest to figure things out and to have a child of our own, but we’re determined to be happy and thankful for each other.

In other news, we put our Christmas tree up last night.  I’ll be 24 in a few weeks.  Yikes!