We Were So Happy.

13 Oct

Friday was testing day.  It was also the first time I’ve ever seen a positive test.  It was so faint, but the line was there.  We were so happy.

We got up super early that day because we were getting ready to go to my mom’s cabin in northern Wisconsin for the weekend.  We assumed the test would be negative and we could just get going right away.  The positive was a SHOCK!  So we got ready as quickly as we could and ran to the monitoring hours at Dr. B’s to have a blood test confirmation.  We left for Wisconsin straight from the office and spent the drive up talking about babies and the nursery and trading our car in for something more family friendly.  We were so happy.

We stopped in the little town closest to the cabin to pick up  a few things.  I wanted to grab a comfortable maternity top or two.  My clothes have been so tight and now I figured I had a good reason now.  I called Dr. B’s office just before I went into Walmart to let them know I wouldn’t have any signal and to ask if they had my blood test results back yet.  I dawdled through the women’s clothing section and then the baby section.  And then my phone rang.  My beta was low.  Really low.  So low they didn’t know how I had even gotten a positive pregnancy test.  They told me to come back in on Monday for a follow up beta, but warned that this might mean the pregnancy was ending.

Somehow I made it through the check out at Walmart and into the car with Jeremy before the tears started.  I told him what they said and he started making calls asking for prayers.  We hadn’t told anyone yet.  We wanted to wait for the positive beta to tell our immediate family.  But this was how our parents all found out: Hey, we’re sort of pregnant, but they’re not sure it’s going to make it.  Surprise.

Everyone is afraid to celebrate.  No one wants to talk about it.  I feel pregnant.  I know there’s something there.  I’m trying to take the very best care of myself that I can.  This baby might not make it, but I’m going to be the best mom I can be while I have the chance.

I’m trying not to be angry.  I’m trying to be thankful for the time we do have with this baby.  I’m trying not to be hopeful, just realistic.  If my beta has gone up on Monday, it might mean that implantation happened later than we thought.  I might mean that everything is ok.  Maybe.  But there’s a good chance we’ll lose this baby.

I don’t know how to feel right now.  We want this baby.  We love this baby.  I don’t want to grieve until the end.  I have to keep telling myself that it’s not over yet.  There’s still a chance.

We’re up north still and I think that’s a good thing.  I’d be moping in bed if we were home.  Instead I’m dressed, eating, and playing board games about horses with my niece.  I’m napping as much as I can and staying as hydrated as possible.

That’s all I have for now.  I just wanted to update you all and ask for your thoughts and prayers.  I’ll update after Monday’s beta.

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11 Responses to “We Were So Happy.”

  1. Jenn October 13, 2012 at 7:36 pm #

    So many positive thoughts are coming your way! First of all, congrats on the positive test! Second of all, just keep remembering that it’s not over til it’s over and your have so much hope to hold on to. You’re not bleeding, right? That is a GOOD sign lady 🙂 My fingers are crossed so tightly for you!

  2. Jeanette October 13, 2012 at 7:40 pm #

    Maybe it was a late implanter. And maybe your beta isn’t really as low as you think. Either way good luck, good thoughts, you’re in my prayers and I sincerely hope for the best possible outcome for you.

  3. Roxxroxx October 13, 2012 at 9:08 pm #

    Yay!

  4. Domonique October 13, 2012 at 10:08 pm #

    Sending positive thoughts baby dust and all good things your way.

  5. Jessica Duke October 13, 2012 at 11:10 pm #

    We have been praying so much for baby Geelen, and for both of you. I am here for you for whatever you need. I love you and I believe in this baby and in his/her amazing parents.

  6. Shelby @ Love Life and Lullabies October 13, 2012 at 11:17 pm #

    Let me start off by saying, I truly understand your emotions and what you’re going through. I’m so sorry you’re having to wait until Monday to find out anything. There’s nothing worse than waiting – waiting and not knowing if your little miracle is going to make it – if this time really is it. Before this pregnancy, right before it, I went through the same thing. It was on my first round of clomid – I had this feeling a week before I tested that I was pregnant – I felt lousy, nauseated, and I could smell everything and I had these really weird cravings. On the day I realized I was late – I instantly bought a test and BAM! Positive. Called the OB’s office – and what do you know.. -my- doctor is out of town so I get another doctor’s nurse who knows NOTHING about me – and they just schedule my first OB appointment. Then.. the cramping and the bleeding starts about five days later.. and they do a BETA.. and by then.. it was too late..

    I really, really hope and pray that your miracle survives – that this is the time for you. Perhaps its so early that THAT’s the reason why beta was so low. I’m sending prayers your way and baby sticky dust as well! ❤

  7. laughingpromises October 14, 2012 at 5:29 am #

    I am praying so much right now! For you, for your baby, and for the beta test results to be a fluke and everything to turn out okay. Like you said, it’s not over yet…hang in there; we’re all rootin for you.

  8. Amanda (http://readingeachpage.blogspot.com/) October 14, 2012 at 2:18 pm #

    I’m sending you lots of baby dust! I hope you have a wonderful second beta.

  9. Amanda October 14, 2012 at 4:42 pm #

    ughhh! such an AWFUL situation. this is how my mom found out too… me: (boo-hooing) mom, I might be pregnant, but probably not. I mean I was, but not any more. I don’t know. I HATE that you have to wait. the wait was the worst part by far. hoping that Monday’s test is wonderful and doubling right on time. hang in there.

  10. cmdcupcake October 14, 2012 at 11:12 pm #

    My heart goes out to you so much! I PRAY your beta rises. I had the same thing happen in August. DARK bfp but then a beta of 9. You could have slapped me in the face, I thought the lab did the test wrong. You’re in my prayers xo

  11. Mrs P October 15, 2012 at 8:17 am #

    Fingers tightly crossed for you hun xx

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