22: It Existed

16 Oct

The world doesn’t end when you lose a baby.  I know I’ve read blog posts that are eerily similar to how I’m feeling right now.  I feel like I’m stuck between grief and the real world, but I’m the only one who’s in this place.  Life doesn’t stop.  Part of me wants to scream and make it slow down and acknowledge this horrible loss; to acknowledge that this child existed even for this short amount of time.  It doesn’t matter that it was only 4 weeks and 5 days old.  It doesn’t matter that it was probably just an embryo.  It existed.  It was our baby.

Another part of me wants to throw myself into life.  Into classes, into trying again.  Part of me wants to move on and move forward.  I’ve ordered my Gonal-F for this next cycle.  Dr. B agreed to double my dose.  112.5 units will be injected into my stomach on Saturday.  And then again on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday.  The only thing I can do to for this baby is to move forward and try to be as happy as I can.

I am and always have been an impatient person.  It has always driven my family crazy.  It drives Jeremy crazy all the time.  But a few weeks ago,  Jeremy told me that he thinks in this instance, my impatience is a blessing.  It allows me to start again each month and to push for more.  After this month especially.  We got so close.  We made a baby.  We can do it again.  I can’t stop and wait right now.  If I do, I might be afraid to ever try again.

I’m trying not to feel guilty.  I’m trying not to feel like I’m doing our baby an injustice, that I’m trying to replace him.  I’m trying to believe that something wonderful is right around the corner.

I found this poem yesterday.  If you’re super hormonal right now, don’t read it.  Unless you want a good cry, then definitely read it.  It makes me sad, but it’s also comforting at the same time.  And it makes me feel a little less guilty about moving forward.

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3 Responses to “22: It Existed”

  1. Amanda October 16, 2012 at 3:04 pm #

    been there, felt ALL of that. I’m so sorry you have to walk through infertility AND a miscarriage, as if one isn’t enough. praying that something wonderful is right around the corner.

  2. laughingpromises October 16, 2012 at 3:45 pm #

    Oh, Jessica, even though I don’t know you irl, I wish I could give you a hug. You are right–that was a baby and it was your baby, and acknowledging it is a good thing. I think your hubby’s right, too, though, in that getting into a daily routine *might* help you work through your grief. Either way, you’re in my prayers and I’m hoping things look up as much as they can soon.

  3. Roxxroxx October 17, 2012 at 9:28 am #

    Hi, I’m so sorry to hear your news and my thoughts are with you guys.

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