Tag Archives: bfp

We Were So Happy.

13 Oct

Friday was testing day.  It was also the first time I’ve ever seen a positive test.  It was so faint, but the line was there.  We were so happy.

We got up super early that day because we were getting ready to go to my mom’s cabin in northern Wisconsin for the weekend.  We assumed the test would be negative and we could just get going right away.  The positive was a SHOCK!  So we got ready as quickly as we could and ran to the monitoring hours at Dr. B’s to have a blood test confirmation.  We left for Wisconsin straight from the office and spent the drive up talking about babies and the nursery and trading our car in for something more family friendly.  We were so happy.

We stopped in the little town closest to the cabin to pick up  a few things.  I wanted to grab a comfortable maternity top or two.  My clothes have been so tight and now I figured I had a good reason now.  I called Dr. B’s office just before I went into Walmart to let them know I wouldn’t have any signal and to ask if they had my blood test results back yet.  I dawdled through the women’s clothing section and then the baby section.  And then my phone rang.  My beta was low.  Really low.  So low they didn’t know how I had even gotten a positive pregnancy test.  They told me to come back in on Monday for a follow up beta, but warned that this might mean the pregnancy was ending.

Somehow I made it through the check out at Walmart and into the car with Jeremy before the tears started.  I told him what they said and he started making calls asking for prayers.  We hadn’t told anyone yet.  We wanted to wait for the positive beta to tell our immediate family.  But this was how our parents all found out: Hey, we’re sort of pregnant, but they’re not sure it’s going to make it.  Surprise.

Everyone is afraid to celebrate.  No one wants to talk about it.  I feel pregnant.  I know there’s something there.  I’m trying to take the very best care of myself that I can.  This baby might not make it, but I’m going to be the best mom I can be while I have the chance.

I’m trying not to be angry.  I’m trying to be thankful for the time we do have with this baby.  I’m trying not to be hopeful, just realistic.  If my beta has gone up on Monday, it might mean that implantation happened later than we thought.  I might mean that everything is ok.  Maybe.  But there’s a good chance we’ll lose this baby.

I don’t know how to feel right now.  We want this baby.  We love this baby.  I don’t want to grieve until the end.  I have to keep telling myself that it’s not over yet.  There’s still a chance.

We’re up north still and I think that’s a good thing.  I’d be moping in bed if we were home.  Instead I’m dressed, eating, and playing board games about horses with my niece.  I’m napping as much as I can and staying as hydrated as possible.

That’s all I have for now.  I just wanted to update you all and ask for your thoughts and prayers.  I’ll update after Monday’s beta.