Tag Archives: miscarrying

I Am Frustrated

14 Apr

Well, here we are, a week and a half later and I still don’t really have anything concrete to update. ūüė¶

Our appointment with our Dr last Monday was anticlimactic and mostly useless. ¬†I don’t know what I was expecting, but that definitely wasn’t it. ¬†He sat down and looked at us and said there was nothing he could do about this and it’s just “bad luck.” ¬†No sympathy, no emotion at all. ¬†He wouldn’t run any other tests, he said there wasn’t anything else we could check that would change my protocol. ¬†He would just recommend switching to steroid injections next time instead of the lovenox. ¬†He tried really hard to escape the room, but we had questions to ask. ¬†He had no thoughts on all of the cramping I experienced and no answer for looking into something to help keep my anxiety level down (he doesn’t like to add extra medications… says the IVF doctor…). ¬†He turned our age around and told us that we’re still so young. ¬†I nearly yelled at him that if I can’t get pregnant at 26 (or 23), my odds of getting pregnant at 30 aren’t much better. ¬†I don’t want 6 of our embryos turning into 1 baby. ¬†I want to have more than 1 baby. ¬† He just looked at me and smiled politely.

When we first met this doctor, I thought his straight to the point and “my word is law” mentality would help things move along more smoothly. ¬†But I’m finding that he doesn’t like to be questioned and has no interest in teaching us or helping us understand anything. ¬†He doesn’t have time for emotions.

I also let the nurse know that I don’t want this miscarriage to go on forever. ¬†Last time, I miscarried almost as soon as I stopped my progesterone. ¬†This time, it’s been 10 days since I stopped my progesterone injections and nothing is happening. ¬†Last Monday, my final beta came back at 2 and my progesterone was only 10. ¬†Things were low and only getting lower. ¬†The nurse told me to wait until Thursday and then give her a call and they’d see what they could do. ¬†Since Thursday, I’ve left her 3 messages and called the office manager only to hear today that I’m just going to have to wait until my body miscarries naturally, that they don’t want to interfere.

I just don’t feel like it’s that odd to want this to be over. ¬†I feel like I’m carrying dead babies around inside of me and it just makes me sick. ¬†I don’t want to look at my body. ¬†I don’t want to go out in public more than I have to. ¬† I recognize that I was barely 5 weeks when they died. ¬†But at this point, I would be almost 7 weeks. ¬†If I hadn’t had the 2nd beta, I would still think I’m pregnant. ¬†I’ve had very little cramping and no spotting. ¬†It’s overwhelming and agonizing and I’m so angry and frustrated that no one seems to care. ¬†Is it really that hard to prescribe some¬†misoprostol?! ¬†Or at the very least, explain why a natural miscarriage is so important to them?

Jeremy and I both feel like this has been kind of the last straw with this clinic. ¬†We’ve got 2 appointments in the next few weeks to see two other clinics in the Raleigh/Durham area. ¬†Duke Fertility and UNC Fertility. ¬†I wish we could check out Carolina Conceptions too, but our insurance won’t cover them. ¬†While the NCCRM has higher birth rates than Duke or UNC, I can’t help but think a clinic who will answer my questions and return my phone calls will do a world of good for our next transfer.

I miss Dr. B. ¬†I miss Rush Copley’s Center for Reproductive Health. ¬†I miss how friendly and helpful the nurses were. ¬†I miss not being worried that I was continuously falling through the cracks. ¬†My body NEVER does what it’s supposed to do and I miss being with a clinic who understands that and understands all of the emotions that go along with it. ¬†My insurance covers IVF with Dr. B now. ¬†Traveling to Chicago from Raleigh for a transfer is really silly, but right now it’s so appealing.

Overall, if I wasn’t having to fight to actually achieve a miscarriage right now, I think I would be doing ok. ¬†But this isn’t helping. ¬†This isn’t making the process easier. ¬† I just want it to be over. ūüė¶