Tag Archives: pregnancy

We Were So Happy.

13 Oct

Friday was testing day.  It was also the first time I’ve ever seen a positive test.  It was so faint, but the line was there.  We were so happy.

We got up super early that day because we were getting ready to go to my mom’s cabin in northern Wisconsin for the weekend.  We assumed the test would be negative and we could just get going right away.  The positive was a SHOCK!  So we got ready as quickly as we could and ran to the monitoring hours at Dr. B’s to have a blood test confirmation.  We left for Wisconsin straight from the office and spent the drive up talking about babies and the nursery and trading our car in for something more family friendly.  We were so happy.

We stopped in the little town closest to the cabin to pick up  a few things.  I wanted to grab a comfortable maternity top or two.  My clothes have been so tight and now I figured I had a good reason now.  I called Dr. B’s office just before I went into Walmart to let them know I wouldn’t have any signal and to ask if they had my blood test results back yet.  I dawdled through the women’s clothing section and then the baby section.  And then my phone rang.  My beta was low.  Really low.  So low they didn’t know how I had even gotten a positive pregnancy test.  They told me to come back in on Monday for a follow up beta, but warned that this might mean the pregnancy was ending.

Somehow I made it through the check out at Walmart and into the car with Jeremy before the tears started.  I told him what they said and he started making calls asking for prayers.  We hadn’t told anyone yet.  We wanted to wait for the positive beta to tell our immediate family.  But this was how our parents all found out: Hey, we’re sort of pregnant, but they’re not sure it’s going to make it.  Surprise.

Everyone is afraid to celebrate.  No one wants to talk about it.  I feel pregnant.  I know there’s something there.  I’m trying to take the very best care of myself that I can.  This baby might not make it, but I’m going to be the best mom I can be while I have the chance.

I’m trying not to be angry.  I’m trying to be thankful for the time we do have with this baby.  I’m trying not to be hopeful, just realistic.  If my beta has gone up on Monday, it might mean that implantation happened later than we thought.  I might mean that everything is ok.  Maybe.  But there’s a good chance we’ll lose this baby.

I don’t know how to feel right now.  We want this baby.  We love this baby.  I don’t want to grieve until the end.  I have to keep telling myself that it’s not over yet.  There’s still a chance.

We’re up north still and I think that’s a good thing.  I’d be moping in bed if we were home.  Instead I’m dressed, eating, and playing board games about horses with my niece.  I’m napping as much as I can and staying as hydrated as possible.

That’s all I have for now.  I just wanted to update you all and ask for your thoughts and prayers.  I’ll update after Monday’s beta.


3 Jul

I’ve been wanting to write this blog post for a while.  Why have I been putting it off?  Probably for the same reason women rarely talk about it.  Infertility and trying to get pregnant in general is a taboo in our society.  And that is ridiculous.  Women who choose not to have children are praised for exercising their rights as modern women.  Women who choose to have kids are praised for being mothers and for helping to contribute to the next generations.  But what about women who want children and can’t have them?  Where do they fit in?  Don’t get me wrong.  I have quite a few friends who are pregnant or already have kids and I think it’s great.  But where do I fit in?  What do I say when friends and family ask if we’re thinking about having kids?  Do I make it awkward and say that we’ve been trying for more than 6 months and have obviously been unsuccessful?  No.  We vary between “We’re waiting for the right time” and “We’re not ready for kids yet.”  Why?  Because its easier.

But. I don’t want live like that anymore.  I would like to praise myself for trying to have a baby. 🙂  I want to praise my husband for being supportive month after month as I keep looking for some new trick we haven’t tried.  I want to be able to talk about my frustration so I don’t have to keep it bottled up.  I want to be happy for my expecting friends and not be envious of them.  I want to show support for other women who feel alone in their baby making exploits.  None of us are as alone as we feel some times. 🙂

So. I’m going to talk about it.  Probably a lot.  Women having trouble getting pregnant is nothing new.  It’s a growing trend that should be talked about, accepted, and respected.   ❤