Tag Archives: school

Changes

11 Aug

My CD 20 monitoring appointment didn’t tell us anything good.  Except that my reproductive cycles are seriously messed up– which isn’t good.

On the ultrasound, they saw an 18mm follicle on my right ovary.  They were unhappy with both the size of the follicle (they want it to be around 21mm) and the day of my cycle.  My estrogen came back at 118 (they want to see 250-300).  Around day 14, not day 20.  I definitely haven’t ovulated yet.

The nurse called me yesterday and told me that normally they want patients to continue to try to get pregnant on unmedicated cycles, but they’re recommending that we stop trying this month.  They said if we somehow happened to get pregnant, with the small size of the follicle and my low estrogen, it probably wouldn’t end well.  Bummer.

I was hoping that Thursday was the end of our monitoring cycle, but since things are still changing in my body, they want to do one more blood draw and ultrasound next Friday to see if I managed to ovulate.  The following Monday, we’ll meet with Dr. B and discuss our options.

What are our options?  With how low my estrogen is, you’d think the clomid would have worked.  Instead it just gave me some monster follicles that turned into cysts.  I’m not doing any more research.  It’s not doing me any good.  I’m waiting until we see Dr. B.  I’m hoping he will come up with a kick ass treatment plan.  Or any treatment plan.

In other news, we close on our house in less than 3 weeks.  It’s going by WAY faster than I expected it to.  Probably because we have a lot of other stuff going on.  We spent one evening this past week exploring the river walk by our new house.  Aurora, IL  is built around the Fox River.  Aurora used to be a great hub for trading back in the day because boats could get up and down the river with relative ease.  The downtown sits directly on the riverbanks with lots of bridges connecting the east and west sides of the city.  I was born and, other than while I was away at school, lived on the west side my whole life.  Growing up, our schools were on the west side and most of our friends lived on the west side.  We never had much reason to leave the west side until now.  Our new house sits on the east side of the river in North Aurora.   We can walk to the river in less than 5 minutes, and the river walk there is gorgeous.  I was never a big fan of taking walks just for the sake of walking, but I’ve changed my mind.  I’m excited to take the dog there on walks and to eventually take our kids there on their bikes for an evening ride.

In my mind, this house represents a new beginning for us.  It’s giving me hope in our future and showing me that life will continue to move forward and not stay as stagnant as it feels right now.

Grad school starts in less than 3 weeks too.  There are a lot of changes coming up and I am more than ready for them. 🙂

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Anger and Insanity

31 Jan

I had another acupuncture appointment yesterday.  I had a much less painful period this month, so I’m going to guess it’s doing something since it’s the only change I’ve made.  She added a few extra needles to my neck and ears to help with anger.  I’ve had a lot of anger lately.  Part of it is stemming from normal pms, but honestly, I feel like I’m angry at the world lately.  I’m angry that we’re going through this, I’m angry that other people are having babies, I’m angry about having that HSG test next week, and I think most of all I’m angry that I’m so angry.  If that makes sense…

It seems like the crying out of grief has subsisted and this horribly intense anger has taken its place.  I think I would prefer the crying though.  My anger is causing arguments and that’s never good.  Poor Jeremy has to live with me… 😉
We had an argument last night (that turned out to be a misunderstanding on both of our parts: fail) and through the arguing, I started to realize that I’m not as ok with that HSG test as I was wanting to be.  It bothers me that something foreign will be in my body.  It makes me uncomfortable that so many people we be looking at these parts of my body.

Will this theoretical baby ever know how much we want it?  What we’re willing to do to have it?  How hard we’re trying to fight for it?  I think that makes me angry too (and I know it shouldn’t).  My parents didn’t have a hard time getting pregnant with my sister or I.  We were planned, but they didn’t have to try very hard.  While we were growing up, I don’t think we stopped and thought about how much we were wanted; that two people decided to bring us into the world.  I appreciate it now.  I appreciate the emotions that went into those decisions.  Would I ever have thought about it without being in this situation?

Another thing on my mind today is the dreams I’ve been having.  Tell me if this is normal…  I dream about a baby, our baby.  Over the course of the dream, the baby is either taken away from us or dies.  The details are usually completely obscure, but last night things got hauntingly  detailed.  Our baby was born.  It was a girl.  We knew her birthday.  She had a name.  I remember being irritated that my family forgot to throw a baby shower ;).  All of a sudden, our baby is a year or two old and she’s dying.  She’s had some kind of illness that couldn’t be cured.  My mom and sisters were there and they just didn’t understand why I was so upset.  Then she got taken away from me.  Then I woke up.

I hate these dreams.  They happen a couple times a week.  They’re getting bad enough that I don’t want to sleep any more.  I  understand why I’m having them.  I understand what they’re supposed to represent.  I would just really like them to stop.

And for the very last bit of news, I got admitted to graduate school over the weekend.  It feels like a ounce of sanity in the middle of complete insanity. 😉

Yay, me!

 

 

12: “Not Pregnant”

29 Dec

I had an unusually long cycle this month.  Long as in I was 4 days late. 4.  We got our hopes up.  So up that I ventured to use one of our digital pregnancy tests when I woke up today.  They aren’t cheap and I’ve been saving them.

My period started right after this came up.  Double whammy.

It’s a bummer, but I’m finding comfort in the fact that Jeremy goes to see the urologist on Tuesday and I go see my doctor a couple weeks after that.  It will give me something to focus on.

I’m still working on healthy recipes.  I’m going to start posting our favorites soon.  Jeremy’s been a trooper when it comes to his vitamins, eating healthy, and cutting back on caffeine and alcohol.  We’ve got a lot of wine in the house right now because Christmas and my birthday were last weekend and we I wasn’t drinking.  So I’ll be drinking some of that tonight. 😉

Our Christmas was pretty good.  I was more emotional  that usual, but it really hit me that if we’d gotten pregnant when we started trying 12 cycles ago, we would have had a baby to share Christmas with by now.

I am, however, loving the novels, history, gardening, cooking, and preserving books my family showered me with this year.  Jeremy gave me a super cute journal.  I’m hoping it will encourage me to do more journaling as life seems to make more sense when I can write it out.

Christmas/Birthday = Book Heaven

I’m going to start planning my garden out in January.  I’m totally revamping it this spring.  I’m dying to start utilizing all of the square-foot gardening techniques, but it’s silly to build raised beds if we end up buying a house this summer.

Meanwhile, I’ve started my application to Aurora University’s Post-Baccalaureate Secondary Education Certification program.  I’m aiming to start in the fall.  It should take me 2 years with all of the endorsements and extra certifications I want.  If I hate teaching high school, I should be more than prepared at that point to teach adults and get paid for it. 😉

More later, I just wanted to give you a quick update on life.

Final Exams and Final Thoughts

6 Dec

It’s  cold in Chicago today.  Like Epically cold.  It’s even ice cold in Starbucks.  All the more incentive to make myself some fingerless mits… 😉

In other news… Finals have begun..

Or, rather, they’ve been begun.  I’m so close to being finished for the semester it hurts a little.  My motivation is lacking more than ever.  I have to give a debate today about the dire negative effects of global warming.  Who might really disagree with me I have no idea.  After that, I need to write a 6 page paper on Flannery O’Connor’s “A Good Man is Hard to Find.”  It will probably only end up being 5 pages because I just don’t care anymore.  To finish the week, Lukasik’s final portfolio is due on Wednesday afternoon.  Cake.
I have a final on Monday, but I don’t plan on even thinking about it until Saturday night.
I found out after my sociology class today that I received an A+ on my final paper and thus secured an A in the class.  I really liked that class.  For the first time, I think I’m a little sad about a class ending.  I know I often complained about the class not presenting multiple sides to an issue, but I feel like it’s one of the first times I’ve had a class that helped me learn how to think critically about the world I live in.  Everything we talked about this semester is applicable to current events.  I do love English and literature, but little of it has real world applications.

I don’t think I’ll be getting my masters in English.  I might work on an MFA at some point, but I think I’m finished studying English literature.  I’ll look into sociology or education or something that can be more productive in helping people.  I definitely wasn’t ready to choose my career at 18.  Or at 19. Or at 20… Or at 23… So, I’m very glad I opted to get a degree in something that allows me to be more flexible with the direction I go in next, something that grew as I grew and allowed me to become anyone I wanted to be.

In other news, an elderly gentleman next to me just asked me what “LOL” means…  It made me laugh out loud. 😉

Off to a week full of caffeine!

 

PS. CHRISTINE, DON’T LEAVE ME!! KOREA DOESN’T REALLY NEED YOU!! 😉

Karl and a Documentary

17 Nov

It’s a chilly morning in Chicago and Starbucks has their Christmas decoration up. 🙂  They’re very pretty and festive.  My favorite!  I opted to wear my old winter coat today because it matched my outfit better and to my pleasant surprise, it was much needed on my way to class this morning.

I’m taking a quick break from my newest short story.  Maybe I’ll see this one through to the end?  I don’t even care if I send it out for publication, I just feel like I never get around to finishing my stories.  This one is different though.  I usually write from the point of view of a younger woman (who knew?) and this story centers around Karl Swanson who is an older man in his 50’s or so.  It’s kind of fun being someone completely different.
Lukasik has us writing short fiction scenes right now and last week’s completely blew.  It’s also up for critique today.  The last thing I had critiqued was my creative nonfiction and it was very well received.  But this one… I’m dreading class…
This week, however, I’m using her strict guidelines to expand Karl Swanson’s story.  It should be interesting.

We’ve been watching a documentary in sociology about the United States, wars, defense spending, capitalism, and the like called Why We Fight.  Google Video features the entire thing if you have 99 minutes.  It really is interesting.  The whole thing was a little heart-breaking as it really showed me that I can, quite obviously, no longer live in my positive and trusting world.  How does someone handle this?  It’s not a change necessarily as I have always opposed war and the privatization of war and government spending, but the fact that soon I’m slowly becoming more against the government I’ve grown up watching.  Even more difficult is the fact that my sister and dad both served in the military and I in no way want to do them any disservice by my desire to protest all that is militant and government.
We debated in political science last week the U.S.’s refusal to join to International Criminal Court and whether that was a wise idea.  I very much believe the U.S. puts enough into global affairs and global domination that they need to be held accountable for the acts they carry out.
As often as I feel like my school goes against the government to a fault, sometimes I appreciate their presentation of information that I probably wouldn’t get elsewhere.
But who am I, right?  Just another liberal college student. 😉

Meanwhile, Alice and Bella are celebrating their 2nd birthday today. =)  My babies are growing up.

Karl Swanson beckons.  ❤

Burning Out

15 Nov

It’s official.  I’m completely burned out for the semester.  How do I know?  Monday’s Starbucks time feels like Thursday’s night class…
I got great sleep last night, but my brain is fried.  Too much political talk, too much reading, too much (*gasp*) writing.  I haven’t carried my journal with me in over a week…
Jeremy and I sat on the couch last night with a movie on (I have absolutely no idea what we watched) and instead of working on Christmas presents or Etsy stuff, Jeremy and I were working on Snuggles blankets for the Chicago Animal Shelter that we adopted Alice and Bella from…  Why?  Because they’re easy and I really need to destash.  In an effort to avoid my homework yesterday afternoon, I tore my office apart to try and find a place for all that extra yarn that’s been piling up in anticipation of Christmas gifts.  That didn’t happen.  Now I just have piles of yarn that Bella is probably gleefully rolling in now that she’s home alone with it…  ugh…

In other news, I finished my second sweater a couple weeks ago, but have yet to post pictures.  The pattern is called “$5 in Paris” and was written by a fellow blogger.   She’s pretty interesting.  I’ve been following her blog since I found the pattern on Ravelry as she’s got all kinds of neat patterns and just had twin boys that are still in the hospital. 😦
Anywho, here’s my $5 in Chicago….
I’ll make a size smaller next time and maybe add some waist decreases, but for only costing $5 in yarn, I’m happy with it. 😉

My next sweater is a version of an American Eagle sweater that I don’t want to buy…  It’s coming along.  I’ve decided to name it my “Mochalone” and it will be the first sweater pattern I’ve written for myself.  Exciting?  You betcha.
I read somewhere that most sweater knitters knit about 8 sweaters a year.  I’ve finished two adult sizes, 3 baby sizes and am currently working on 2 adults with 3 adults and 1 Calli size in the plans… Looks like I’m becoming an above average sweater knitter. 🙂

I’m thinking about setting up another blog purely for our Etsy store.  Just a little forewarning… 🙂  Extra promoting never hurts, especially now that collar sales have taken off and Becky has those super cute birds listed.

Meanwhile, I’m going to continue on my quest to not lose my mind before Thursday as I have a week without classes coming up.  I’ll be baking, sewing, knitting, cleaning, reading, and writing and I’m looking forward to it more than I’ve ever looked forward to a break before….  Just keep sane, just keep sane…

Change and Flexibility

20 Oct

I’m torn most days about the direction I would like to see my life go.  It’s scary to me that I’m only going to be 23, but there are already so many things that are very closed to me.

Everyday, I am more attracted to the idea of motherhood.  It’s the knitting of baby socks, sweaters, blankets, the idea of creating someone who is half of you and half of the person you love most in the world, the thought of being able to teach and show and shape another human being, the first steps, the sleepless nights, the first days of school — it’s alluring.  Is it anti-feminist?  I don’t think so.  It’s about embracing my womanhood and stepping into a new role and responisibility.  What could be both more powerful and more terrifying than having complete control over another human life?  Not much.

Conversly, how do I shake the things I’ve always wanted to do?  Things I’ve wanted long before motherhood entered my radar.  My M.A., PhD, being a professor, publishing, world travel, worldwide volunteer work… You get the picture.

And so, the real question is: What must be given up, and what is most important?
The answer:  Nothing will be given up and all are very very important.
How do I accomplish this? Change.  Change and flexibility will take care of everything.

My new plan you ask?  To produce the most cultured, educationally aware, and just plain kick ass kid ever.  What better education could there be than to watch one’s parents obtain higher degrees, to spend extended amounts of time abroad, learning the language and culture when your mind is like a sponge, to constantly volunteer to help others, to be well versed in Hemingway and Shakespeare before your 10th birthday, and to understand how to tear apart and rebuild a computer by your 5th birthday?

Just, you know, an fyi. 😉