Pregnant Teens…

Being a teacher, I knew it was only a matter of time before I encountered… the pregnant teenager…  I’ve flip flopped with how I thought I’d handle it.  Originally, I thought I would have the classic infertile melt down that a teenager can get pregnant on accident while I can’t seem to do it on purpose.

Since I work with students in a college prep program right now, I was hoping it would be a good couple of years before it happened to a student I knew well.  It didn’t.  It happened today.  Today, I also learned that my reaction is almost all sadness for the life that student would have had.  I wish I could help, I wish I could take her home with me and take care of her.  She’s so young and is facing a very adult future.

It breaks my heart on so many levels.  This girl’s life is going to be so radically different than it could have been.  And it just doesn’t seem fair in any way.  I know she made the decision to not use protection, but 17 is just so young.  

Jeans = Sad Face

When Dr. B told me I could have my lap done on a Friday and go back to work on Monday, I thought that was awesome.  Until I realized he’s a man.  And as a man has no freaking idea how long you really feel awful after that.  Also… jeans are the devil.

I’ve been healing for a week and although I feel astronomically better than I felt last Saturday, I don’t feel nearly as good as I thought I would feel by now.  Two of my incisions have healing into tiny little scabs.  One of my incisions, however, is red, angry, and oozy.  Yuck.  I’m still cramping excessively, but mostly on the sides (maybe where he unstuck my ovaries?).  I’m so tired — constantly.  And after my jeans tried to rip my incisions open when I tried to wear them to class for the first time on Thursday, I’ve accepted that I will be wearing comfy pants every day for the foreseeable future.  Like a boss.

Thankfully, most of the pain is kept under control with advil.  I was just not expecting it to be so bad still.  On the plus side, I’ve heard mostly all positive things about pregnancy rates after endometriosis removal via laparoscopy. Our follow up with Dr. B is next Wednesday, and I’m definitely looking forward to what the plan is this next cycle. 🙂

Recovering

Still recovering from Friday’s lap.  

I don’t remember much of Friday after we got home, I’m assuming I was still recovering from the anesthesia.  The shoulder and chest pain started Friday evening (they blow your abdomen up with co2 gas to get a better look and though they drain it out, a lot stays in your body and has to get reabsorbed) and it hurt to breathe no matter what position I was in.  I didn’t sleep Friday night or much of Saturday because of that.  The vicodin made my incisions and throat (from being intubated) feel better, but it didn’t do anything for the gas pain.

Dr. B told Jeremy to increase my vicodin and advil to every 4 hours yesterday hoping it would help me sleep through the pain.  It didn’t.  

My mother-in-law and little sister brought us lunch and dinner yesterday, my mom and older sister sent me flowers, and a good friend stopped by with yummy snacks.  Despite the pain, they all really helped me feel better. 

And then there’s Jeremy.  What a wonderful man I married!  He’s been the best nurse I could have asked for and I’m just so thankful for him.  He’s made this so much more bearable.

The gas pain finally started being resolved last night and the vicodin finally knocked me completely out.  I’m starting to cut back on it today, but it’s still making me really groggy.  I was originally planning on going back to work tomorrow, but I think it would be more prudent to take an extra day to recover — my incisions are still sore and I think they’ve been bleeding recently.

The two things that surprised me the most were the gas pain in my chest and shoulders and the incisions.  There were three incisions, but I didn’t get any stitches.  They’re held shut with surgical tape to keep the scarring to a minimum.  They’re a little scary looking.

All in all, I’m feeling so much better now that the gas is mostly gone and I’m looking forward to getting some much needed sleep.  My stomach is starting to bruise, but that was expected.

The cats and the greyhounds are keeping me good company.  

Stage 2 Endometriosis

Just got home and everything went well. He found stage 2 endometriosis covering the whole back of my pelvis with my ovaries connected to it by the endo. But. He got it all. Every last bit. No lupron for me. =)

For now I’m just sore at my incisions. I’m taking my pain meds and zonking out for the day. I’m just so crazy happy with this outcome.  We have an answer to the infertility and the miscarriage and Dr. B is really optimistic that we’ll be pregnant within the next couple months.

This pain is so unbelievably worth it. 

Laparoscopy Distractions..

My lap is tomorrow at noon.  In less than 24 hours, I will be home in my bed, watching cartoons, and snuggling greyhounds.  I have to start fasting in just over 7 hours.  

I’m not as nervous as I was, but I’m so crazy ready for it to be over.  I was supposed to have a nice busy day, but with all the flooding in Chicagoland, everything has been cancelled.  I’m thankful we don’t have a basement, because it would probably be flooded.  The day has flown by despite not having classes, although I’m expecting a very long night.

Not a lot to report otherwise.  I ovulated on Monday (day 13) and have been pretty crampy since.  It seems like it’s getting worse every cycle.  I’m ready to see what Dr. B finds tomorrow.  

On a positive note, all of this rain has done a world of good for the yard.  No leaves on the trees yet, but there have been some surprise flowers popping up…

Some tulips and daffodils are getting ready to bloom too. 🙂  I can’t wait to start really gardening again.  We’re at least a month later than we were last year.  Remember when I put my whole garden in on April 1?  We’re looking closer to May 1 this year.  

I’m ok with that though.  I’m trying to beast my way through finals.  This semester has kind of flown by, but I feel like I’ve learned a ton.  I only have Theory of Writing and Intro to Special Education left between me and student teaching next spring.  Scary.

I did get hired on to teach 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th grade English this summer though.  I get to plan the whole curriculum and after spending a few days freaking out about it, I’m getting really excited to play with what I’ve been learning.  I’m even able to recycle a few of the lesson plans I’ve used in class, which is awesome. 🙂

I’m off to clean my house some more and look for any distraction I can find.  I’ll update with the diagnosis tomorrow. 🙂

The Blah’s…

We’re coming up on 2 1/2 months until our original due date of the baby we lost in October.  I keep telling myself that we’ll be pregnant again by then, that we’ll be able to acknowledge June 21 as a sad day, but still be able to look forward to another new life.

The closer we get to that date, the less I believe it’s going to happen.

Remember the picture I posted in October of the maternity dress from Target I had to buy for a wedding because nothing else fit? This is the only thing I can think of when I see that picture of Jeremy and I:
And it breaks my heart every time I see it because a week later we found out.  I’m so tired of feeling so sad.  I’m so tired of feeling so guilty.  I’m so tired of having to distract myself with work and school so that I don’t fall apart.

I’ve made peace with having the lap done next week.  I’ll go through with it and I’ll wake up asking Jeremy for a burger.  I’ve accepted endometriosis into my life.  I’ve accepted that it’s a disease I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life.  But I’m just so angry that even after everything we’ve gone through, I might still not be able to have babies of my own.  The only thing I’ll have is that horrible picture to remind of how horrible I felt while I was pregnant for those short couple of weeks.

I know we’ll go on to adopt if we need to.  We’ve decided to push that back until I’m done with student teaching next spring.  But part of me is still angry that we have to save so much money and jump through so many hoops and that we have to write a check to buy someone else’s baby.

I’m sad and I’m angry and I just want this to work.

28: The Lottery

No, Shirley Jackson has nothing to do with this post.  I’m warning you now, my literature loving friends.

I never realized how much infertility treatments were like playing the lottery.  You play for a chance.  You buy as many tickets as you can and just hope that you don’t regret it.  You spend too much money and hope that in a few short days, your numbers will spell J-A-C-K-P-O-T loud and clear.

I’ve been playing the lottery for 28 months.  We got so unbelievably close once.  This time, however, we were playing even though we knew the odds were against us.  We lost.  Badly.  After a 26 day cycle, the lap date is pretty much set in stone.  2 1/2 weeks, or 17 days, to go.

After 2 days of excruciating cramps, I’ve been reassured that this surgery is something I need.  Even if it doesn’t help us get pregnant, I need to know that there is a reason for this — that there is a reason that we lose month after month after month.  I had held some glimmer of hope that this, our last pre-surgery month, would be magical and perfect.  But, unfortunately, I failed miserably.

However… I’m terrified.  I’ve heard from everyone that this surgery isn’t a big deal.  I recognize that.  But I’m still so scared of it.  I can live with this pain and this childlessness.  I don’t want to not wake up because of two things I can live with.  It’s not logical, this fear, but it’s there.  The more time I have to digest it, the easier it’s getting to handle.  I’m lucky that I have a good friend who has gone through this and is also married to an anesthesiologist.  Both have assured me that I’m going to wake up.  I’m looking forward to sleeping through it and being completely doped up on pain meds afterwards.  Yep.  It’s going to be even better than wine. 😉

I’ve taken the past couple days off of work because of the cramping, but I’m looking forward to getting back into it tomorrow. I’m glad my period started early and didn’t decide to be late this month.  That would have really sent me spiraling downwards. Useless post? Maybe.  But I needed to get the crazy feelings out there.