Obligatory Infertile Mother’s Day Post.

I’m in a lot of pain today.  From my bellybutton down, it hurts.  My doctor pretty much told me to take a tylenol and suck it up.  And she wonders why I feel like she doesn’t take me seriously… 😉  I didn’t have pain like this last month, but if she tells me not to worry about it, I’m not going to.  I’m just going to lay on the couch and whine that I’m dying. 😛

Clomid, I’m going to punch you in the face.  With my fist.  Hard.

I was at Target with my sister this afternoon.  They put baby swimsuits right by the books.  They were really cute.  =/

I’m in a funk.  And I’m pretty sure it’s stemming from Mother’s Day.  Last year was irritating.  This year it feels unbearable.  I haven’t looked at cards.  I’ve only briefly thought about flowers.  If I can get away with hiding in bed all day on Sunday, I’ll count it as a day well spent.

Honestly?  I’m angry about Mother’s Day.  I’m angry that we can’t celebrate the way we should be celebrating.  I’m angry that I’m in so much pain right now.  I have zero faith in my reproductive system this month.  Probably because we got our hopes up so much last month.  I’m angry that I’m putting my body through this, but know I would be kicking myself if we didn’t try our hardest.  I went to freaking Texas so we could give it our best shot for goodness sake.  I’m angry that I don’t want to celebrate Mother’s Day because I have the best mother and mother-in-law a girl could ask for.

And I’m tired.  I’m so tired of thinking about this.  I’m so tired of being angry and sad.  I’m so tired of the constant roller coaster of emotions.  I’m so tired of beating my body up like this.

I would really really really like a glass of wine.  Or maybe a bottle.  But I can’t.  Because I’m a responsible infertile with another  10 days to wait.  fml.

Also, I currently weigh more than I’ve ever weighed in my life.  Clomid water weight or not, this is not improving my mood.

Urology, Socks, and Books.

I’m so nervous about tomorrow.  We have an appointment with the urologist at 8:40 am.  I’m nervous about meeting someone new and letting him into this intimate situation, about what he’ll have to tell us, and I am terrified about what he won’t be able to tell us, that after everything we’ll still be in the dark.  I don’t like not having a plan.  At the very least, I’m hoping we leave his office with some kind of plan in mind.

I’m trying to focus on other things though.

I’ve been occupying myself today with finishing Jeremy’s Christmas socks:

Don't you love my fluffy prop? 😉

They were mostly done, I just needed to add the heels.

I’ve also spent the past couple days reading.  I finished Dawn by Octavia Butler.  She’s the author of my all time favorite novel, Kindred, so I thought I would give her Xenogenesis series a try.  Would I recommend  it?  Welllll… Do you like really out there sci-fi?  No?  Don’t even think about picking it up then.  I’m going to read the next to books in the series because I want to know what happens, but I’m really on the fence as to whether or not I liked it or just thought it was weird.  I’ll keep you updated.

I’m also 3/4 of the way through Mighty Be Our Powers by Leymah Gbowee.  It’s a memoir about the Liberian War and how Gbowee’s women’s groups helped bring peace to the country.  I don’t normally care for memoirs, but this book is extremely well written.  She really brings you into the story and has you both rooting for her and crying with her.  I’d highly recommend it.  It helps me keep my problems in perspective.

I’m nervous and scared.  I’m both dreading and welcoming tomorrow.  It’s a means to an end, the beginning of the end… etc…  It’s going to get the ball we’ve been avoiding rolling.  Whether we like or not, the ball is going to start rolling.

 

12: “Not Pregnant”

I had an unusually long cycle this month.  Long as in I was 4 days late. 4.  We got our hopes up.  So up that I ventured to use one of our digital pregnancy tests when I woke up today.  They aren’t cheap and I’ve been saving them.

My period started right after this came up.  Double whammy.

It’s a bummer, but I’m finding comfort in the fact that Jeremy goes to see the urologist on Tuesday and I go see my doctor a couple weeks after that.  It will give me something to focus on.

I’m still working on healthy recipes.  I’m going to start posting our favorites soon.  Jeremy’s been a trooper when it comes to his vitamins, eating healthy, and cutting back on caffeine and alcohol.  We’ve got a lot of wine in the house right now because Christmas and my birthday were last weekend and we I wasn’t drinking.  So I’ll be drinking some of that tonight. 😉

Our Christmas was pretty good.  I was more emotional  that usual, but it really hit me that if we’d gotten pregnant when we started trying 12 cycles ago, we would have had a baby to share Christmas with by now.

I am, however, loving the novels, history, gardening, cooking, and preserving books my family showered me with this year.  Jeremy gave me a super cute journal.  I’m hoping it will encourage me to do more journaling as life seems to make more sense when I can write it out.

Christmas/Birthday = Book Heaven

I’m going to start planning my garden out in January.  I’m totally revamping it this spring.  I’m dying to start utilizing all of the square-foot gardening techniques, but it’s silly to build raised beds if we end up buying a house this summer.

Meanwhile, I’ve started my application to Aurora University’s Post-Baccalaureate Secondary Education Certification program.  I’m aiming to start in the fall.  It should take me 2 years with all of the endorsements and extra certifications I want.  If I hate teaching high school, I should be more than prepared at that point to teach adults and get paid for it. 😉

More later, I just wanted to give you a quick update on life.

10: Distractions

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6I6Tj5pLJy0

Today starts 10 months on our journey to a baby.  Weepy, yes.  Completely depressed, not this month.

I wasn’t expecting anything this time, which seemed to really help.  I’ve been trying to focus on other things.  I’ve been doing a lot of reading, including books, articles, and blogs.  I’ve also been pretty busy with our store.  Halloween seems to be our warm up to Christmas season.  I love Christmas season.  It’s the best time of the year.  I love the smell.  I love the clothing.  I love the decorations.  I love making presents for everyone.  I love how happy everyone is.
Much to Jeremy’s dismay, I start celebrating Christmas season on November 1 and it goes through January 1. 🙂   It’s going to be my wonderful distraction over the next couple months.  These next couple months will round off our year of trying and officially put us in the questionable fertility category.  But, Christmas should soften the blow and it should help remind me to be thankful and joyful.

In other news, my last ESL class of the year met yesterday.  We had a mini party with cake and soda.  We’ll meet again in January, but I’ll miss Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years with these awesome ladies.   I got a little weepy when the ones we’ve grown closest too hugged us and kissed us good-bye.  They’re such a wonderful group of women and I’m so lucky to have gotten the chance to work with them and get to know them.  I think I’ve learned just as much from them about life and teaching as they’ve learned in English skills. 🙂

Meanwhile, we’re carving pumpkins at my mom’s house tonight.  I don’t love Halloween, but I do love our family tradition of getting together to do things like this.  🙂  Also, I’m drinking a few large glasses of wine… because I can. 😉

Socks and Typewriters

It has been a good week so far. 🙂

I feel so much more positive than I’ve felt in months.  I think the fact that it’s getting cooler out is helping.  I’ve never loved summer.  Too warm and not enough hand knits. 😉 I love fall.

I’ve started really knitting again.  Last year was spent figuring out my favorite stitches and mastering important to know techniques.  I’ve decided that this year I’m going to work more on textures.  I’ve always been intimidated by lace and chart knitting, but I’ve spent the last month or so really working on different kinds of socks.  I’ve discovered my favorite heel, cast on, and cuff size.  I love my new socks!

The first picture is of my finished Snow Day Socks! YAY!  That only took 8 months.. 😉  Next are my Mojo socks.  Awesome for getting back into the knitting groove as they focus on knitting, purling, and ribbing.  I used the Schopelle-Wolle Zauberball yarn that my mom and I found at Stitches Midwest.  The colorway is “crazy”… and it is.  The third picture is of my Kalajoki socks.  The pattern is supposed to mirror a Finnish river.  I had to rip out the entire second sock at one point because my river got a little out of control.  Finally, my Watercress mocks (mystery socks) .  Ravelry’s Sock Knitters Anonymous has a different challenge every month.  September’s was to knit all in one color: Chartruese.  They also offered a mystery pattern with clues throughout the month.  The pattern was good and forced me to embrace lace.  The color really grew on me. 🙂

I have a few more socks in progress right now, but then I’ll be hanging up my size 2 needles and getting down to some sweater business.  I have at least 3 sweaters planned for this winter and I already have the yarn for each, so no excuses. 😛

Meanwhile, I went with my sister, niece, and Jeremy to the Barn Sale at the Kane County Fairgrounds last weekend.  We found a few books and something even more fabulous…

  That’s alright, you can go ahead and be jealous now… 😉

It’s a functioning 1963 Smith-Corona Sterling typewriter.  I’ve always loved typewriters.  They force you to really think about what you plan on writing because there is no backspace key.

I’ve never owned a typewriter before because if they’re cheap they often don’t work and if they do work they’re far our of my “unnecessary accessories” budget.   Jeremy found this one though and just take a guess as to how much it was… You’ll never guess, so I’ll tell you: $1.  That’s right.  ONE DOLLAR. 🙂

Epic score.

Seven

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqWLpTKBFcU

“No one ever said it would be this hard” – Coldplay

Today marks the beginning of our 7th month trying to have a baby.  It’s been a bad day.  I’m frustrated.  I’m angry.  I’m sad.

We spent so long trying not to have a baby.  We were so careful because we knew we wouldn’t have been good parents then.  We didn’t want to be parents.  We didn’t have steady income, didn’t have our degrees, didn’t have space, didn’t have time, didn’t have the desire to parent.  Now, we have all of those things.  And no baby.

I look at all the women around me who never had to try to have a baby.  Women who got pregnant on accident or on their first try.  And I’m so jealous.  And then I’m angry at myself because I have so much to be thankful for.   I have a wonderful husband, a wonderful family, a place to live, fabulous friends.   But we always have a tendency to look at what we don’t have, don’t we.

I’m trying to keep myself busy now.  I’ve remade quite a few dresses and shirts that I don’t wear lately.  I just got our new dog collars listed in our store.  I finished The Help by Kathryn Stockett.  I always try to read books before the movie comes out.  I like to critique them. 😉  It was a good book.  I’ve really gotten into African American lit since I took Kim Ruffin’s Af Am Lit class last spring (and aced it 😉 ).  I re-read The Hunger Games trilogy in anticipation of the movie that comes out next year.  I think that might be up there with my favorite series ever.  I like that there’s no magic, no mystical figures.  I like that the main character is an average person with obvious flaws.  Right now, I’m reading Inconceivable by Carolyn and Sean Savage.   They underwent IVF for their very last baby only to find out another couple’s embryo got implanted by mistake.  Oops.  It’s a really good book though.  It’ll make you pretty weepy.  I think that brings my grand total for the summer up to 10 books.  I need to keep reading though.  Books help me stay busy.  Betty White’s autobiography is up next and I’m sure that will keep me entertained. 😉
Meanwhile, my grandmother is coming to visit on Friday.  She’s teaching my sister, Becky, and me some fabulous cooking tips, since the two of us are pretty incompetent in the kitchen. I know, Mom, we can read recipes…. 😉  I’m hoping cooking with her will give me another hobby to hop into.  Poor Jeremy doesn’t always get the most nutritious dinners…
After she leaves, I’m heading up to Wisconsin to visit Jessica and Tyler for a couple days.  Here’s hoping for an early labor, Jess. 😉

I need more distractions.  Teaching is going well and my knitting class is scheduled to start in September.  Becky, my mom, and I might be taking a ceramics class at the community college this fall too.  I’m really looking forward to that.  I love ceramics and I love spending time with my sister and mom.

I’m trying to focus on the positives.  I’m trying to stay optimistic.  It’s not abnormal for young couples to try for a year before they get pregnant.  Plus, I just ordered a fancy digital ovulation kit via Amazon.  Technology and science are on my side. 😉

And so, here’s a brand new chart, for a brand new month.  Anything can happen…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Summer So Far…

Where has the summer gone?

I spent sooo much time this past winter and spring waiting very impatiently for summer to arrive and now it’s half way over!  Yikes!
It’s been a busy summer thus far though.  I’ve been volunteer teaching at a company in Bolingbrook.  They wanted to give their employees the opportunity to learn more and better English skills and the organization I’m volunteering with stepped in and offered their volunteers.  They offer two classes on Thursday afternoons one upper level and one lower level.  The students are awesome.  They want to learn the English language so badly and they all have varied reasons.  Some want to be able to write their children’s teachers emails or attend parent-teacher conferences, others want to be able to communicate with a doctor without an interpreter, some want to be able to go shopping at non-Spanish speaking stores, and others just want to be able to read a newspaper.  They’re so much more motivated and willing to learn than most kids are.  I really love teaching adults.  I work with two other ladies, Susan and Pat, and they are fantastic!  Both so willing to offer their time and energy for these students.  I’m really enjoying getting to know them as well.
Jeremy and I started this summer thinking I would take a month or two and get some volunteer work in before finding a full-time job, but the more the summer goes on, the more I would like to continue this volunteer work.  It makes me feel good to contribute to society and help improve lives.  Many of these students would never be able to afford to take English classes on their own.  I’m so lucky to have the time and resources to be able to help.

This past week, I met with one of the librarians at the Aurora Public Library’s Main Branch about taking over the knitting group that meets once a month.  I managed to talk them into meeting once a week as that would be more useful in building community and relationships among members.  I’m really looking forward to this as well.  I’ve really missed my knitting group in Oak Park especially now that school is over and I have a decent amount of time to be knitting.
Our bedroom is still under construction, which means our bed is still in the living room for now.  Once our couch is out of storage, I might be more willing to do some hardcore knitting again.

Alice "supervising"

Meanwhile, we took Three Sassy Sisters on the road to Geneva, IL’s Swedish Days last week.  What was initially quite promising turned into a complete bust because of the weather.  We had a good time with my friend Jessica though.

Swedish Days 2011

 That little cutie is due in 2 months and already has a present from his Auntie Jessica. 🙂

Giraffe Buttons!

Moving along, we found 3 kittens in our garage at the beginning of June.  June 8 to be exact.  It was my niece’s, Calli, 6th birthday.  She and my sister stopped by to see them and decided to keep Milly, a very sick, grey kitten.
She’s 8 weeks old now and is a pretty great addition to their family.  My sister closed on her first house last week and they’re all living together now.  We jokingly call her “pure evil” because of her tendency to attack your feet, hands, hair, face, elbow… etc… but she really is a sweetie pie. 🙂

Lastly, is my garden!  It’s going well enough for my first garden.  Everything is growing.  I’ve harvested a TON of mints and basils.

Yum!

My tomatoes, zucchini, cucumbers, jalepenos, fennel, rosemary, strawberries, lavender, chives, peppers, basils, mints, sage, and feverfew are all growing and growing.  Of course, so are the weeds, but that’s a battle in itself. 😉

Wooo!

Some kind of animal, I’m assuming a cat or raccoon, has opted to sit in my catnip pot every night.  My catnip is very smashed, but I had Jeremy move it towards the house last night, so hopefully it will perk up. 🙂
That’s all I have for now.  Something else will pop up this week though.  I won’t leave you hanging. 😛

Motha, he’s stealing my socks…

Happy Labor Day! 😉

I’ve labored away today on homework, my B.O.B. sweater, and of course a couple of naps. 🙂

We had a really nice weekend though.  My aunt came to visit from Michigan and we all spent some time together on Friday.  Saturday, Jeremy and I ran some errands, went out to dinner with my family and had everyone over for cake and games.  Sunday, we saw my dad for a couple hours (he’s been deployed for the past month and a half, so it was nice to catch up with him) and then we decided to put off homework and laundry and spent the day lounging around our very clean and organized apartment.

I really enjoy the weekends I get to spend a lot of time with my family.  I think I can really say my family makes up the majority of my best friends.  What can I say, I’m a lucky girl. 😉

I haven’t actually left my apartment since Saturday night though.  I find that if I seal myself into my apartment for as long as possible, then my allergies don’t get quite so out of control.  Poor Jeremy has been running out to do laundry and run to the grocery store and all that jazz for me.  What a nice husband he is, eh? 🙂  I don’t have to leave again until tomorrow night, which will make 3 straight days of filtered air…  Just need that one heavy frostttt….

I finished up reading Arthur Miller’s “Death of a Salesman” and I can honestly say I don’t care for it.  I hate stories where the characters seem to be just floating through their lives waiting for something big to really happen.  I think its because its the opposite of my personality, but whateva.

Looking forward to my second week of classes.  That will last for another couple weeks before I’m complaining that Christmas is too far away.  Speaking of Christmas, I’m making a good dent in my Christmas knitting.  This may be the last year of knitted presents for everyone though…  My hands have been protesting lately… 😦

Well, how’s that for a hodge podge of subjects? 😉

So THAT’S Why I Majored in English….

I had my first English class of the semester tonight and I feel completely relieved. 🙂

When last semester ended, I was seriously questioning why I had majored in English.  I was burned out, and fed up with school.  So I opted to take a philosophy class over the summer and opted to use up 2 gen ed classes on non English credits this fall semester.  I had those two classes yesterday and I was completely ready to just drop out of school by the end of them.

My sociology class is dealing with urban issues and social constructs, while my political science class is an introduction to international relations.  I thought they would both be useful for whenever Jeremy and I move abroad.
But….
They. Are. So. Dry.
I assumed it was me and I was still feeling like I was feeling at the end of spring semester.  Until I got to my Modern American Literature class tonight.  I had to drive out to Schaumburg — a 45 minute drive on a good day– so I was already in a bad mood about it.  But once class began and we started to discuss the wonderful world of literature, I was reminded why I chose this major: I Love Books.  Its not even just the reading of them (although that obviously plays a big part).  Its the way they fit into history, the way they are history.  Its the feel of a book in your hand.  Its the act of interpreting what an author could mean.  Its debating the pros and cons of certain authors.  The act of immersing yourself into a story the way you might immerse yourself into a pool of water (or a bathtub 😉 ).  The act of understanding characters and letting them become a part of you briefly.   The reasons I love what I do are endless and ongoing.  As books will always continue to be written and the way you can interpret them are limitless,  my eduction is also limitless.

Does this have any practicality in the real world you might ask?  I’m still working on that one… 😉

Tomorrow: Creative Writing.  Delicious.

Alsoooooooo, I started my first sweater today.  NO FROGGING THIS ONE!  I used my Eco Wool that I bought during the Chicago Yarn Crawl with Christine.   I think its going to be super comfy.  Or rather, I hope its going to be super comfy. 😉

La La La

I’ve had this horrible cold for the past few days and it just moved into my chest. Summer colds blow. Humidity… Yuck. I’ve been hiding in my bedroom with the AC on high. The cats have been hanging out in there because the rest of the apartment is disgustingly hot and humid. I also bribe them with treats. 😉
We dragged the flat screen into the bedroom and I’ve been watching obscene amounts of Victorian Era miniseries. I’ve started thinking in Victorian era language. Don’t mind me, just call me Jane. 😉 My favorite so far has been based on Elizabeth Gaskell’s Wives and Daughters. I haven’t read it yet, but I like the story and might pick it up over winter break. It has a happy ending. 🙂
I’m finishing up a 3 book series on Josephine Bonaparte and then I really need to start on my fall semester reading. My goal is to get at least 4 of my novels read in the next 5 weeks. Can I do it? Probably.
This semester is going to be so crazy. I’m really looking forward to my classes though. I’ve got a great mix that will probably result in an intellectual overload by mid-October. 😉

Next up: rereading The Great Gatsby by F Scott Fitzgerald. 🙂