Archive | October, 2012

IUI #2

30 Oct

Things went smoothly yesterday morning.  Much more so than last time.  I was able to remind her that about my short uterus, so there was no jabbing with the catheter this time.  Our “sample” only contained 3 million (they want to see 90 million), but 91% were forward moving (50% is normal).  They checked Jeremy for a hormone problem, but everything came back normal.  It only takes one, right?  He’s started taking CoQ 10 plus his multivitamin, so hopefully things will look better for the next IUI.

I start progesterone on Friday and go back in for an ultrasound and blood work on Monday.  I’ve had some cramping off and on and my uterus just feels tired.  I think I’ve slept for 18 of the past 24 hours.  I’m definitely not feeling 100% after this IUI.  But it could be the IUI, ovidrel, and 2 follicles combined.  I also tend to sleep more when I’m stressed out.  And I’m definitely stressed out.

We carved pumpkins at my mom’s on Sunday.  It was a nice distraction.  Skill came too. 😉

I interviewed for a tutoring position at our local community college’s Upward Bound Program a couple weeks ago.  I got the position and I start today.  I’ll be at a local high school working with seniors on their college application essays.  It’s only 4 hours a week, but it will give me more experience working with high school students.  I’m really looking forward to it.  🙂

No new updates other than that.  It will be a long 2 weeks before we find anything out.  Just trying to stay busy now.

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Here We Go Again.

26 Oct

After taking the past week and a half to step back and process what happened, I think I’m in a better place.  We’re not as devastated or as shocked and we’re better able to look at the loss of our baby logically.  Don’t get me wrong, I think it will be a good long while before I stop feeling so heartbroken, but we’re moving on with life because it’s the only thing we can do.

I’ve been injecting 112.5 units of Gonal-f for the past week.  Wednesday’s CD 9 appointment revealed 2 follicles (16 mm and 10 mm) and an estrogen level of 140.  That’s almost triple what my estrogen was at this point last month on 75 units of Gonal-f.   They didn’t think the 10mm follicle would mature enough, so it was looking like another 1 follicle cycle.  But, with the higher estrogen, I wasn’t complaining.

At today’s CD 11 appointment,  they found both follicles had grown to 17 mm.  2 follicles.  Finally.  My estrogen came back at a whopping 246 (it was 247 at our CD 15 IUI last cycle).  Our IUI is scheduled first thing Monday morning with an ovidrel injection on Sunday afternoon.  Yet again, everything looks perfect.  Maybe the higher estrogen and double follicles will do the trick this time.

It feels like this one came up so quickly.  I know it’s just because so much has been going on, but I’m thankful the time hasn’t been dragging.  The extra Gonal-f in my system has really been kicking my butt.  I feel a lot like I felt when I was taking clomid (minus the cysts of death).  Headaches, epic fatigue, cramps, forgetfulness, and confusion/spaciness.  My focus has been completely gone this week.  It took me close to 5 hours on Tuesday to create a 40 minute lesson plan.  I can usually pump those bad boys out within an hour.  It is what it is though.  I’m trying not to think about it.  I’m not getting my hopes up about this IUI.  I’m not terrified it’s not going to work.  I can handle that.  I’m worried we’re going to lose another baby (or babies this time).  If it happens again, I think we’ll be done trying for a while.

I’ve got a list of things I want to get done this weekend.  After Monday, I’m going to be afraid to move…  I’ll update Monday afternoon.

22: It Existed

16 Oct

The world doesn’t end when you lose a baby.  I know I’ve read blog posts that are eerily similar to how I’m feeling right now.  I feel like I’m stuck between grief and the real world, but I’m the only one who’s in this place.  Life doesn’t stop.  Part of me wants to scream and make it slow down and acknowledge this horrible loss; to acknowledge that this child existed even for this short amount of time.  It doesn’t matter that it was only 4 weeks and 5 days old.  It doesn’t matter that it was probably just an embryo.  It existed.  It was our baby.

Another part of me wants to throw myself into life.  Into classes, into trying again.  Part of me wants to move on and move forward.  I’ve ordered my Gonal-F for this next cycle.  Dr. B agreed to double my dose.  112.5 units will be injected into my stomach on Saturday.  And then again on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday.  The only thing I can do to for this baby is to move forward and try to be as happy as I can.

I am and always have been an impatient person.  It has always driven my family crazy.  It drives Jeremy crazy all the time.  But a few weeks ago,  Jeremy told me that he thinks in this instance, my impatience is a blessing.  It allows me to start again each month and to push for more.  After this month especially.  We got so close.  We made a baby.  We can do it again.  I can’t stop and wait right now.  If I do, I might be afraid to ever try again.

I’m trying not to feel guilty.  I’m trying not to feel like I’m doing our baby an injustice, that I’m trying to replace him.  I’m trying to believe that something wonderful is right around the corner.

I found this poem yesterday.  If you’re super hormonal right now, don’t read it.  Unless you want a good cry, then definitely read it.  It makes me sad, but it’s also comforting at the same time.  And it makes me feel a little less guilty about moving forward.

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Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

15 Oct

Beta Levels

15 Oct

Before we talk betas or anything else, I just wanted to say thank you for your thoughts, prayers, and comments.  By this morning, both Jeremy and I were feeling much more calm and much more at peace with whatever the day would bring.

So many sweet texts and comments came our way.  My little sister even left a gift card for a prenatal massage in our mailbox while we were gone with instructions to use it when I hit 13 weeks or to convert it to a regular massage if needed.  She’s turning into one thoughtful lady. 🙂  Thanks again, Amanda.

Dr. B’s office called a little while ago to tell me my beta was less than 2.  They told me to stop the prometrium and to let things happen naturally.

Our baby is gone, but I’m so thankful for the weekend that I got to be his or her mom.  We’re so sad, but we know we’ll try again.  I know I’ll struggle with this for a while.  I don’t think I’ll be ok for a long time.  So bear with me while I try to process this and work through it.

Today is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  I’m keeping all of you who have lost babies in my thoughts and prayers today as well.

We Were So Happy.

13 Oct

Friday was testing day.  It was also the first time I’ve ever seen a positive test.  It was so faint, but the line was there.  We were so happy.

We got up super early that day because we were getting ready to go to my mom’s cabin in northern Wisconsin for the weekend.  We assumed the test would be negative and we could just get going right away.  The positive was a SHOCK!  So we got ready as quickly as we could and ran to the monitoring hours at Dr. B’s to have a blood test confirmation.  We left for Wisconsin straight from the office and spent the drive up talking about babies and the nursery and trading our car in for something more family friendly.  We were so happy.

We stopped in the little town closest to the cabin to pick up  a few things.  I wanted to grab a comfortable maternity top or two.  My clothes have been so tight and now I figured I had a good reason now.  I called Dr. B’s office just before I went into Walmart to let them know I wouldn’t have any signal and to ask if they had my blood test results back yet.  I dawdled through the women’s clothing section and then the baby section.  And then my phone rang.  My beta was low.  Really low.  So low they didn’t know how I had even gotten a positive pregnancy test.  They told me to come back in on Monday for a follow up beta, but warned that this might mean the pregnancy was ending.

Somehow I made it through the check out at Walmart and into the car with Jeremy before the tears started.  I told him what they said and he started making calls asking for prayers.  We hadn’t told anyone yet.  We wanted to wait for the positive beta to tell our immediate family.  But this was how our parents all found out: Hey, we’re sort of pregnant, but they’re not sure it’s going to make it.  Surprise.

Everyone is afraid to celebrate.  No one wants to talk about it.  I feel pregnant.  I know there’s something there.  I’m trying to take the very best care of myself that I can.  This baby might not make it, but I’m going to be the best mom I can be while I have the chance.

I’m trying not to be angry.  I’m trying to be thankful for the time we do have with this baby.  I’m trying not to be hopeful, just realistic.  If my beta has gone up on Monday, it might mean that implantation happened later than we thought.  I might mean that everything is ok.  Maybe.  But there’s a good chance we’ll lose this baby.

I don’t know how to feel right now.  We want this baby.  We love this baby.  I don’t want to grieve until the end.  I have to keep telling myself that it’s not over yet.  There’s still a chance.

We’re up north still and I think that’s a good thing.  I’d be moping in bed if we were home.  Instead I’m dressed, eating, and playing board games about horses with my niece.  I’m napping as much as I can and staying as hydrated as possible.

That’s all I have for now.  I just wanted to update you all and ask for your thoughts and prayers.  I’ll update after Monday’s beta.

Maternity Wear = Awesome

8 Oct

Still waiting.  At this point in my cycle, that’s a good thing. 🙂

We went to that wedding on Saturday and had a nice time.  I managed half of the “Cha Cha Slide” before something, somewhere in my reproductive organs started to hurt.  I stayed sitting most of the reception after that and lived vicariously through Jeremy as he drank plenty of fruity alcoholic drinks.  😉  I enjoyed my water.  I swear.

I was SOOOOO comfortable in my maternity dress though.   Seriously, one of the best purchases ever.
Wanting to continue the comfort, I wore my new maternity skirt to church yesterday.  It went all the way up to my boobs.  It was amazing.  I might never switch back to regular clothes again. 😉

Taking it easy today.   There’s a weird sort of cramping going on that’s making me nervous.  Friday is test day.  Yikes.