IUI #2

Things went smoothly yesterday morning.  Much more so than last time.  I was able to remind her that about my short uterus, so there was no jabbing with the catheter this time.  Our “sample” only contained 3 million (they want to see 90 million), but 91% were forward moving (50% is normal).  They checked Jeremy for a hormone problem, but everything came back normal.  It only takes one, right?  He’s started taking CoQ 10 plus his multivitamin, so hopefully things will look better for the next IUI.

I start progesterone on Friday and go back in for an ultrasound and blood work on Monday.  I’ve had some cramping off and on and my uterus just feels tired.  I think I’ve slept for 18 of the past 24 hours.  I’m definitely not feeling 100% after this IUI.  But it could be the IUI, ovidrel, and 2 follicles combined.  I also tend to sleep more when I’m stressed out.  And I’m definitely stressed out.

We carved pumpkins at my mom’s on Sunday.  It was a nice distraction.  Skill came too. 😉

I interviewed for a tutoring position at our local community college’s Upward Bound Program a couple weeks ago.  I got the position and I start today.  I’ll be at a local high school working with seniors on their college application essays.  It’s only 4 hours a week, but it will give me more experience working with high school students.  I’m really looking forward to it.  🙂

No new updates other than that.  It will be a long 2 weeks before we find anything out.  Just trying to stay busy now.

Here We Go Again.

After taking the past week and a half to step back and process what happened, I think I’m in a better place.  We’re not as devastated or as shocked and we’re better able to look at the loss of our baby logically.  Don’t get me wrong, I think it will be a good long while before I stop feeling so heartbroken, but we’re moving on with life because it’s the only thing we can do.

I’ve been injecting 112.5 units of Gonal-f for the past week.  Wednesday’s CD 9 appointment revealed 2 follicles (16 mm and 10 mm) and an estrogen level of 140.  That’s almost triple what my estrogen was at this point last month on 75 units of Gonal-f.   They didn’t think the 10mm follicle would mature enough, so it was looking like another 1 follicle cycle.  But, with the higher estrogen, I wasn’t complaining.

At today’s CD 11 appointment,  they found both follicles had grown to 17 mm.  2 follicles.  Finally.  My estrogen came back at a whopping 246 (it was 247 at our CD 15 IUI last cycle).  Our IUI is scheduled first thing Monday morning with an ovidrel injection on Sunday afternoon.  Yet again, everything looks perfect.  Maybe the higher estrogen and double follicles will do the trick this time.

It feels like this one came up so quickly.  I know it’s just because so much has been going on, but I’m thankful the time hasn’t been dragging.  The extra Gonal-f in my system has really been kicking my butt.  I feel a lot like I felt when I was taking clomid (minus the cysts of death).  Headaches, epic fatigue, cramps, forgetfulness, and confusion/spaciness.  My focus has been completely gone this week.  It took me close to 5 hours on Tuesday to create a 40 minute lesson plan.  I can usually pump those bad boys out within an hour.  It is what it is though.  I’m trying not to think about it.  I’m not getting my hopes up about this IUI.  I’m not terrified it’s not going to work.  I can handle that.  I’m worried we’re going to lose another baby (or babies this time).  If it happens again, I think we’ll be done trying for a while.

I’ve got a list of things I want to get done this weekend.  After Monday, I’m going to be afraid to move…  I’ll update Monday afternoon.

22: It Existed

The world doesn’t end when you lose a baby.  I know I’ve read blog posts that are eerily similar to how I’m feeling right now.  I feel like I’m stuck between grief and the real world, but I’m the only one who’s in this place.  Life doesn’t stop.  Part of me wants to scream and make it slow down and acknowledge this horrible loss; to acknowledge that this child existed even for this short amount of time.  It doesn’t matter that it was only 4 weeks and 5 days old.  It doesn’t matter that it was probably just an embryo.  It existed.  It was our baby.

Another part of me wants to throw myself into life.  Into classes, into trying again.  Part of me wants to move on and move forward.  I’ve ordered my Gonal-F for this next cycle.  Dr. B agreed to double my dose.  112.5 units will be injected into my stomach on Saturday.  And then again on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday.  The only thing I can do to for this baby is to move forward and try to be as happy as I can.

I am and always have been an impatient person.  It has always driven my family crazy.  It drives Jeremy crazy all the time.  But a few weeks ago,  Jeremy told me that he thinks in this instance, my impatience is a blessing.  It allows me to start again each month and to push for more.  After this month especially.  We got so close.  We made a baby.  We can do it again.  I can’t stop and wait right now.  If I do, I might be afraid to ever try again.

I’m trying not to feel guilty.  I’m trying not to feel like I’m doing our baby an injustice, that I’m trying to replace him.  I’m trying to believe that something wonderful is right around the corner.

I found this poem yesterday.  If you’re super hormonal right now, don’t read it.  Unless you want a good cry, then definitely read it.  It makes me sad, but it’s also comforting at the same time.  And it makes me feel a little less guilty about moving forward.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

Beta Levels

Before we talk betas or anything else, I just wanted to say thank you for your thoughts, prayers, and comments.  By this morning, both Jeremy and I were feeling much more calm and much more at peace with whatever the day would bring.

So many sweet texts and comments came our way.  My little sister even left a gift card for a prenatal massage in our mailbox while we were gone with instructions to use it when I hit 13 weeks or to convert it to a regular massage if needed.  She’s turning into one thoughtful lady. 🙂  Thanks again, Amanda.

Dr. B’s office called a little while ago to tell me my beta was less than 2.  They told me to stop the prometrium and to let things happen naturally.

Our baby is gone, but I’m so thankful for the weekend that I got to be his or her mom.  We’re so sad, but we know we’ll try again.  I know I’ll struggle with this for a while.  I don’t think I’ll be ok for a long time.  So bear with me while I try to process this and work through it.

Today is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  I’m keeping all of you who have lost babies in my thoughts and prayers today as well.

We Were So Happy.

Friday was testing day.  It was also the first time I’ve ever seen a positive test.  It was so faint, but the line was there.  We were so happy.

We got up super early that day because we were getting ready to go to my mom’s cabin in northern Wisconsin for the weekend.  We assumed the test would be negative and we could just get going right away.  The positive was a SHOCK!  So we got ready as quickly as we could and ran to the monitoring hours at Dr. B’s to have a blood test confirmation.  We left for Wisconsin straight from the office and spent the drive up talking about babies and the nursery and trading our car in for something more family friendly.  We were so happy.

We stopped in the little town closest to the cabin to pick up  a few things.  I wanted to grab a comfortable maternity top or two.  My clothes have been so tight and now I figured I had a good reason now.  I called Dr. B’s office just before I went into Walmart to let them know I wouldn’t have any signal and to ask if they had my blood test results back yet.  I dawdled through the women’s clothing section and then the baby section.  And then my phone rang.  My beta was low.  Really low.  So low they didn’t know how I had even gotten a positive pregnancy test.  They told me to come back in on Monday for a follow up beta, but warned that this might mean the pregnancy was ending.

Somehow I made it through the check out at Walmart and into the car with Jeremy before the tears started.  I told him what they said and he started making calls asking for prayers.  We hadn’t told anyone yet.  We wanted to wait for the positive beta to tell our immediate family.  But this was how our parents all found out: Hey, we’re sort of pregnant, but they’re not sure it’s going to make it.  Surprise.

Everyone is afraid to celebrate.  No one wants to talk about it.  I feel pregnant.  I know there’s something there.  I’m trying to take the very best care of myself that I can.  This baby might not make it, but I’m going to be the best mom I can be while I have the chance.

I’m trying not to be angry.  I’m trying to be thankful for the time we do have with this baby.  I’m trying not to be hopeful, just realistic.  If my beta has gone up on Monday, it might mean that implantation happened later than we thought.  I might mean that everything is ok.  Maybe.  But there’s a good chance we’ll lose this baby.

I don’t know how to feel right now.  We want this baby.  We love this baby.  I don’t want to grieve until the end.  I have to keep telling myself that it’s not over yet.  There’s still a chance.

We’re up north still and I think that’s a good thing.  I’d be moping in bed if we were home.  Instead I’m dressed, eating, and playing board games about horses with my niece.  I’m napping as much as I can and staying as hydrated as possible.

That’s all I have for now.  I just wanted to update you all and ask for your thoughts and prayers.  I’ll update after Monday’s beta.

Maternity Wear = Awesome

Still waiting.  At this point in my cycle, that’s a good thing. 🙂

We went to that wedding on Saturday and had a nice time.  I managed half of the “Cha Cha Slide” before something, somewhere in my reproductive organs started to hurt.  I stayed sitting most of the reception after that and lived vicariously through Jeremy as he drank plenty of fruity alcoholic drinks.  😉  I enjoyed my water.  I swear.

I was SOOOOO comfortable in my maternity dress though.   Seriously, one of the best purchases ever.
Wanting to continue the comfort, I wore my new maternity skirt to church yesterday.  It went all the way up to my boobs.  It was amazing.  I might never switch back to regular clothes again. 😉

Taking it easy today.   There’s a weird sort of cramping going on that’s making me nervous.  Friday is test day.  Yikes.

Ute Perfection

I had a check up ultrasound and blood work at Dr. B’s this morning.  Evidently my uterine lining is PERFECT.  As in, it couldn’t look any better.  My ovaries look perfect as well — nothing left from ovulation.  The prometrium is working perfectly – my progesterone is over 30.  After telling me they’d only call if something was wrong, Dr. B’s office called this afternoon to tell me to inject the second ovidrel shot.  Something about helping to balance my hormone levels for implantation?  I didn’t really hear her as I was busy tearing up and trying not to cry for the billionth time today.  They promised me nothing was wrong and everything still looked great.  Can someone shed some light on that for me?

This should make me feel better, right?  It doesn’t.  The only thing that makes me feel a little better is that if this cycle fails, it’s not because my body failed.  Even if that’s not true, that’s what I’m going to tell myself.

Last night, somewhere between IKEA’s meatballs and the lecture I was giving on Booker T. Washington, my jeans stopped fitting.  WTF…  I’m so bloated. and so weepy.   It’s worse than it’s been in a long time.

We have a wedding to go to tomorrow and the dress I was going to wear suddenly doesn’t fit anymore.  It’s tight and uncomfortable around my tummy.  I’m so frustrated.  Jeremy and I meandered over to Target this evening and then I dragged him to the maternity department.  I was so desperate for something comfortable that I grabbed Every. Single. maternity dress in my size to try on.  And I loved almost every single one.  The nice thing about most Target maternity wear is that it doesn’t necessarily look like maternity wear.  I picked out a super cute and comfortable dress that isn’t hugging my midsection and Jeremy talked me into a skirt and top to wear to another observation next week.

I tell you what, walking out of there with clothes that fit this wonky body and make me feel good did a world of good today.

I know clothes not fitting and being super bloated isn’t the end of the world, but for some reason, today it felt like it.

Nothing irritates me more than someone telling me, “Just wait until you’re actually pregnant!”  I know they’re joking and telling me that this is nothing compared to what it will be, but to me, when you’re pregnant and having symptoms, at least you’ll have something to show for it.  There’s a HUGE chance that everything we’re going through, everything I’ve put into my body, every ache is going to be for nothing.  I know most women going through this have a certain phrase that people say to them that just makes them crazy, and I’ve decided that “Just wait until you’re actually pregnant!” is my crazy phrase.  It’s gotten to the point that I just bite my tongue and offer a thin smile.

Despite the weepiness and despite the extra injection and despite the dress debacle, I did make it through the day.  I also found this at Target and couldn’t resist.  It will make it’s way quietly into the plain white box labeled “Baby Geelen”, high on a shelf in my office tomorrow.  If we do have a boy, he’ll look fabulous. 😉

Time Limits

Nothing new and exciting so far, which I think is a good thing.  Started prometrium on Monday and taking it at night is really helping with the symptoms.

We got a ton of yard work done over the weekend and visited a new church for the second time.  I finished Skill’s winter coat and hat..
And we took him to the dog park on Saturday when the weather was nice and warm…

School is getting crazy busy.  I’m so glad I only opted for 2 course this semester.  With moving and fertility stuff, I think 3 courses would have been way too much.  I am thinking about taking 3 in the spring though.  It’s all going to depend on if we get pregnant this semester or not.

I think I’m starting to consider a stopping point with infertility treatments though.  If it’s not going to happen any time soon, I want to start focusing more on finishing my masters.  I could have it done in two years (maybe even less) if I could concentrate more on it.  I don’t want to get way far into it and then have to stop if we miraculously get pregnant.  That feels like a big waste to me.  We can always pick fertility treatments up again if we want to once I’m working.  OR we can concentrate on paying off our student loans and then look at adoption.  OR we can get a few more greyhounds and call it even. 😉

I’m getting more and more frustrated lately when it comes to the things I can’t do.  Or things I’m afraid to do.  It’s been almost 2 years and it’s getting old.  Does that sound selfish?  I just don’t think I can be someone who puts 10+ years of my life into fertility medications and procedures and doctors.  Maybe once school is finished, it will be easier to juggle.  I don’t think we’ll ever stop trying, but it seems easier to handle if there’s a stopping point for the needles and ultrasounds and medications.  I need to know that it’s not going to go on forever.

I think next summer is the time limit for now.  That’s almost 3 years of trying and 1 full year with our RE.

Maybe I sound like I’m not committed enough to this, but I want to live my life and if kids aren’t a part of it, then I want to enjoy what I do have.  I want to enjoy my husband and our pets.  I want to enjoy being a teacher.  I want to enjoy our house.  I don’t want to spend years and years of my life pining for what I don’t have.  Infertility treatments make me do that.  They make you far more invested in the outcome of each and every cycle.  The injections it took to just make a follicle, the IUI or transfer, the progesterone to sustain an embryo…  THE COST OF EVERYTHING.  How could you not spend every waking moment thinking and hoping and dreading the outcome?

I’ll be 25 in a couple months.  I was barely 23 when I started trying to have a baby.  I know that’s incredibly young, but if I can’t make a baby now, what will my chances be a 26, 27, or 28 when fertility rates first start to decline at 25?

Maybe I’m jumping the gun here, but I need to set this time limit.  We still have 8 or 9 months left with our RE, so plenty could happen.  I just need to see an ending to it for now.  Nothing says we can’t push it out for longer if we feel we need to.  Nothing says we can’t take a 6 month break and start again.  But for now, life needs to keep moving.  I need to be something other than a part time graduate student/full time lady with unexplained infertility…  I need to have some greater purpose in this life than that.

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On a completely unrelated note, I accidentally left the bird seed bag on the patio after filling the bird feeder.  I woke up to this…  Happy Wednesday! 😉