Mantis Attack! ;)

The juicing is still going on.  I’ve lost 4 pounds so far and am definitely noticing that I have more energy.  I’m going to head to the gym tomorrow morning and see how it goes. =)

We’re still juicing for breakfast and lunch, but we’ve decided to eat raw fruits, veggies, and good proteins for dinner.  We grilled some chicken last night and added it to a spinach salad.  I think it was the best thing I’ve ever tasted. 😉  We also used the chive vinaigrette I posted about.  It was awesome!  I’m so glad I didn’t throw those flowers away.  They were beautiful and delicious! 😉  I might start dabbling more in homemade salad dressings so that we have more healthy options.

It’s been super nice here the past two days, so I’ve gotten out into the garden a couple times.  My sister and niece hatched some baby praying mantises (mantids, if you will) for me and brought them over on Sunday to get released into the garden.

When we were little, my dad found an adult praying mantis, who we named Fred.  Fred lived in a plastic tank in our sunroom and we fed him insects we found outside.  Then Fred laid some eggs. 😉 Oops.  Sorry, Fred.  But since there was no Mr. Fred, there weren’t any babies.  Fred lived with us longer than she would have in the wild and she was an awesome pet. 🙂  I always thought it would be neat to have another one, but insects make me a little more nervous than they did when I was 5.  When my sister asked if I wanted some for the garden, I was all over it.

Not even half of them will make it, but I counted 15 hanging out in the chamomile patch yesterday, which I think is a pretty good number.  They’re already bigger.  They’ll continue to molt until they reach their adult size, which could be bigger than Molly. 😉
 I saw a few earlier when I was planting this salvia for the butterflies and the bees.
 And, I put up a super basic trellis for the pickling cucumbers.  I wanted to try to grow them vertically this year since they really tried to take over last year.  The regular cucumbers aren’t big enough for a trellis yet, but these guys have little baby cucumbers all over. 🙂

Things are good around here for now.  I’m feeling good, and haven’t looked at a chart or a calendar in a week.  I don’t even know what cycle day it is.  It’s really nice.  I’m not nervous or stressed out like I usually am.  I’ve hardly even thought about making a baby this month.  Probably because I know it’s not going to happen.  I’m still ok with that though.  This has been a very much needed break that has me feeling a little more “normal” and a little more like me.

We had lunch with some friends over the weekend.  They had a baby in November and we hadn’t seen him yet.  I was pretty stressed out about it, but it turned out to be ok.  He was super cute and I can honestly say that I enjoyed him. 🙂
The most upsetting part about our lunch was being told that I’m different than I used to be.  It didn’t sound like a compliment.  I feel like I’m more of an adult than I was a year ago when we last spent time with them.  I feel that I’m more responsible and toned down.  I can honestly say that I’m far more equipped to handle a baby than I would have been a year ago.  It’s still sad to think that I’ve changed so noticeably into a different kind of person.  However, I’m more proud of myself than I used to be, so maybe it’s not so sad.

Also, Regina Spektor‘s new album came out yesterday.  She’s speaking to me. 😉  I’m awake, Regina, I’m awake!

Detoxing: Juice Fast

I desperately want a donut, a cheeseburger, and a steak.  Desperately.

We’ve been juicing for almost 48 hours, but I think it’s going well.  Yesterday, I thought I was starving to death, but today has been much better.  I’ve lost 2 lbs so far, but I’m almost positive it was clomid water weight.  However, that works for me because half of the reason for doing this juice detox is to get every trace of clomid out of my system this month.  I’ve gained close to 10 lbs in the past few months, and I’m assuming at least 5 lbs is water.

I’ve wanted to try a detox for a while, but it seemed silly while I was taking clomid and unsafe after I ovulated.  This turned out to be the perfect time. 🙂

I’m very much enjoying this month off of clomid though.  I got my hair colored and trimmed, I’m not temping, and I feel all around awesome.  Granted our chances of conceiving this month are close to zero, I’m ok with it for now.  Clomid will start again soon enough and the dreaded IUI’s are getting closer and closer to being a possibility.  Who knows, maybe this detox is just what my reproductive system needs. 😉

Also, it’s HOT here.  I’m looking forward to the cooler weather later this week. 🙂  And, someone has decided that shaving on the weekends (especially long weekends) is overrated… Yikes.

 

Courage.

17: Just Kidding.

I was obviously a resident of Crazy Town earlier.  My period started and it’s really Cycle Day 1.

No clomid this month in hopes that my cysts will clear up on their own.

I’m going to start a 10 day juice fast.

I’m also going to drink some wine tonight.  Because I can.

Clomid Cycle 2: Day 32

I’ve only made it this far into my cycle once before, and never this far without spotting.  That was pre-clomid. 14 days past ovulation.  Even if we don’t get pregnant this month, I feel like I accomplished something.

I made myself wait until today to test.

Negative.

I called my doctor as instructed and am waiting to be told to go in for a blood test.

I am feeling better today so far.  I can definitely still feel that my cysts are there.  They’re more uncomfortable than anything else. Most of my other symptoms have disappeared as of this morning.  I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.  I’m having a hard time distinguishing between cyst cramps and actual cramps.  It’s making me a little crazy.

But I’m still here for now.  We’ll see what the doctor says. =/  I’m nervous in a bad way.  I’m anticipating bad news although, obviously, we desperately want good news.  That’s probably pretty normal, right?

Pink Vinaigrette.

I’m still hanging in there for now.  I had a nice chat with my doctor on Friday.  Apparently the on-call doctor misread my ultrasound and I have a bunch of smaller cysts that equal the size of a golf ball.  This makes me feel much better.  She doesn’t want to add any medications to my body right now since technically I could still be pregnant.  We’ll chat again about how to proceed once my period starts.  She wants me to take at least a month off from the clomid.  It’s really bothering her that I’m getting cysts on the lowest dose.  I’m honestly not too broken up about a taking a break.  Clomid is kicking my butt big time.
Jeremy and I decided that it will be a break from temping and ovulation sticks as well.  We’ll still try, but it’s going to be far more relaxed than it’s been in a long time.

I’ve been taking it easy for the past few days.  I’ve had a lot of pain in my lower abdomen, a lot of nausea, my boobs are killing me, and I’m hungry constantly.   Part of me is looking forward to my period starting because I know I’ll feel a lot better.
BUT, in the meantime, I’ve been catching up on some knitting.  I really burned out after Christmas knitting, so most of my projects have been sitting in my knitting basket in my office for the past 6 months.

I finished these socks on Saturday.  I used the Plymouth Yarn Stiletto that I found at the Chicago Yarn Crawl last fall.  I started these just before Christmas and I’ve dragged them around the country with us recently trying to tempt myself into finishing them.  It just took some time on the couch. 😉
 I’m working on some stranded color work socks right now.  It’s going so much fast than I remember it.  I had to retrain my fingers to knit English and Continental at the same time.  Out of control. 😉  They’ll be really pretty when they’re finished.

Finally, the hot, humid weather we’ve been having seems to have worked wonders for my garden…
My tomatoes and tomatillos are getting really big and strong and my zucchini plants have a TON of flowers on them.

I let the chive plants flower this year…
Once they were past their prime, I chopped the whole plant down so that it will flower again.  I’m freezing the leaves and I decided to try to make a chive vinaigrette with the flowers.
The vinegar is supposed to turn from clear…
To pink…
To pinky-lavender.
The lettuce is almost big enough to pick.  I think we’ll try this pretty pink vinaigrette once we can use our own lettuce. 🙂

Let’s Play Golf..

Not really.  Actually, I hate golf.

BUT, after 3 1/2 hours, an excruciating exam, and 2 ultrasounds (one that involved me getting up close and personal with the transvaginal ultrasound probe… shudder…), they finally found the cause of last weekend’s pain/ yesterday’s I thought I was dying pain.

I have a golf ball sized cyst on my right ovary.  A  freaking golf ball.  As in bigger than my actual ovary.

How big is an ovary normally?  For those of you that enjoy comparing things to food, it’s about the size of a greek olive.

If you can’t tell, this is really bothering me.  I know that clomid causes cysts.  That’s part of it’s job.  But this thing is huge and has overstayed it’s welcome.

What does this mean for this cycle?  I haven’t the slightest idea.  They did a pregnancy test at the hospital last night.  It was negative.  BUT they only did a urine test and I was only 8 days past ovulation.  I didn’t cry until I was getting the ultrasound done.  Because it hurt.  And I was angry.  This whole thing sucks.

Soooo, the prognosis is to keep an eye on it and hope it doesn’t rupture.  yay… I know there isn’t much they can do, but I feel like we didn’t need this.  What does this mean about next month’s cycle?  Is it safe to keep taking the clomid?
I’ve pretty much written off this month as a wash.  I got a tan in Texas out of it though, so I suppose it’s something.

The pain is better today, but it still hurts a lot.  I’m afraid to take anything stronger than a tylenol just in case.  Bella and Alice are keeping me company. ❤

Mother’s Day

My dad just called to wish me a happy Mother’s Day because I’ll get there eventually.  It’s just a matter of time.  I don’t think he’s ever said anything that’s meant to much to me.  For being so out of touch most of the time, he said the exact right thing. 🙂

So I’m going to pass it along.  Happy Mother’s Day, ladies.  We’ll all get there eventually. =)

From my garden. 🙂

Obligatory Infertile Mother’s Day Post.

I’m in a lot of pain today.  From my bellybutton down, it hurts.  My doctor pretty much told me to take a tylenol and suck it up.  And she wonders why I feel like she doesn’t take me seriously… 😉  I didn’t have pain like this last month, but if she tells me not to worry about it, I’m not going to.  I’m just going to lay on the couch and whine that I’m dying. 😛

Clomid, I’m going to punch you in the face.  With my fist.  Hard.

I was at Target with my sister this afternoon.  They put baby swimsuits right by the books.  They were really cute.  =/

I’m in a funk.  And I’m pretty sure it’s stemming from Mother’s Day.  Last year was irritating.  This year it feels unbearable.  I haven’t looked at cards.  I’ve only briefly thought about flowers.  If I can get away with hiding in bed all day on Sunday, I’ll count it as a day well spent.

Honestly?  I’m angry about Mother’s Day.  I’m angry that we can’t celebrate the way we should be celebrating.  I’m angry that I’m in so much pain right now.  I have zero faith in my reproductive system this month.  Probably because we got our hopes up so much last month.  I’m angry that I’m putting my body through this, but know I would be kicking myself if we didn’t try our hardest.  I went to freaking Texas so we could give it our best shot for goodness sake.  I’m angry that I don’t want to celebrate Mother’s Day because I have the best mother and mother-in-law a girl could ask for.

And I’m tired.  I’m so tired of thinking about this.  I’m so tired of being angry and sad.  I’m so tired of the constant roller coaster of emotions.  I’m so tired of beating my body up like this.

I would really really really like a glass of wine.  Or maybe a bottle.  But I can’t.  Because I’m a responsible infertile with another  10 days to wait.  fml.

Also, I currently weigh more than I’ve ever weighed in my life.  Clomid water weight or not, this is not improving my mood.

Home Again

I am home.  Finally.  And I plan on staying here for a good long while.  I enjoy traveling.  I enjoy seeing new places, people, and things.  But I really like how happy I always am to come home. 🙂  Especially after all of the traveling we’ve done lately.

 

 

I spent one last afternoon at the pool in Texas today.  I burned my boobs… 😦  It seems I managed to spray everywhere but right above, right below, and right between my bikini top… ouch.  Nothing a little aloe won’t fix.

 

 

And then Jeremy took me to the airport for my first ever flight alone (he has to stay in Texas until tomorrow or Friday 😦 ).  I’ve been to a lot of places, but I’ve never flown alone before.  I’m not going to lie, it was kind of nice.  I got through security after my very first full body scan and wandered to the bookstore because I ran out of books to read yesterday.  I bought the second book in the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy (have you read them?  I’m torn.  I’ll update when I’ve finished the series) and a decaf coffee.  Then I moseyed on over to my gate and sat down.  It was calm and I got to ignore everyone.  No, Jeremy, I’m not saying I want to start traveling alone.  But it’s nice to know that I can do it without much stress.

I sat by the window and read for a while.  The sun set while we were flying.  It was really pretty to watch from the air.

It was prettier in person…

And then we flew into Chicago in the dark.  It’s one of my favorite times to fly into Chicago.  I love Chicago at night.

All in all, it was a nice trip.  I relaxed, got a TON of reading done, and am 95% positive that I ovulated while I was gone. 🙂  That was the whole point to the trip after all.

I’m beasting this month… again… 😉

beasting.