Follicle, Oh, Follicle

Well.  We’re back to it again.

Yesterday morning, I woke up with a knot it my stomach.  It was my first monitoring appointment in 3 cycles at Dr. B’s.  What would we find?  Had all of the chiropractic work done anything?  I snuggled in bed with the greyhounds for half an hour instead of eating breakfast and fixing my hair.  Ponytails at the RE’s office are cool, right?

I met up with a friend who just had her first IVF transfer a week and a half ago.  She was getting her first beta done (I’M SO EXCITED!!) and waited while I had a very romantic Valentine’s Day date with the ultrasound probe.  We found a 15mm follicle on day 12 with my estrogen at only 83.  My uterine lining is a little thin, so I’m now taking baby asprin once a day on top of my other supplements.

I don’t know how I feel about this.  To make it easier, I had just started to think we were just going through the fertility treatment rounds before we finally made it to adopting our take home baby.  I’ve been really excited about this adoption lately and far less sad about my infertility than usual.  Knowing my body is still responding and hasn’t completely shut down my reproductive organs made me stop and reexamine my feelings.  When let myself think it really wasn’t an option to have biological kids, I forgot how much I want them.  Getting caught up in this “maybe” or “what if” is really making me feel so conflicted.  And I know, it doesn’t really matter how I feel.  Either we’ll get pregnant within the next few months, or we won’t.  If we don’t, we’ll adopt.  That’s the plan.  Either way, we get a baby.  It’s just throwing me for a loop to get back into it and to know if we’re close to a pregnancy or not.

Anywho, I go back on Monday to recheck if this adorable follicle has made enough progress and if my estrogen is where it should be.  We’ve agreed to trigger with an ovidrel injection if my Lh levels are too low and everything else looks good.  It will still be a later than preferred ovulation (day 16 or 17), but it’s an ovulation.  I’m worried they’re going to tell us to cancel the cycle because my estrogen is so low.  Crossing my fingers that it rockets up to 150+ by Monday.

And for an “awwww” factor, here’s Snow White being more adorable than my follicle. 😉

 

Hope everyone has a nice weekend!

Lost Greyhound?!

Tuesday had the potential to be one of the worst days of my life.

After working on my lesson plans all morning, I stopped to take a break to take the dogs out and spend a few minutes with them.  Our backyard isn’t fenced in yet.  That means whenever we take the dogs out, they have their martingale collars and leashes on.  When greyhounds run, they run fast and they don’t stop.  They’re the second fastest land mammal after the cheetah.

We’re still working on potty training with Snow White, so we usually let Skill Set in and keep her out a little longer.  While I was walking back in with Snow White, Skill Set slipped past me and out the back door.  Without his leash.  He ran towards the front of the house.  By the time I got there, he was gone.

When we adopted both greyhounds, we got a copy of a Lost Greyhound flyer.  I assumed we would never have to make copies of it.  The first thing I did was call our adoption rep who lives a few blocks away.  She came right over and drove around the few blocks nearest our house.  After 10 minutes, she left to call in more greyhound owners.  Greyhounds flock to other greyhounds.  I called my sister, my mother-in-law, my mom, and Jeremy.  My sister and mother-in-law hurried right over to help look while I called the police and Animal Control and started making flyers.  We live right by a busy highway with a large wooded area right beyond that.  If he got into the trees, it might be days before we would find him.  If he got hit by a car, he might never come home.  After getting a bit hysterical, Snow White and I started walking, handing a flyer to everyone we saw, and yelling his name.  We knocked on our neighbor’s doors and asked them to keep an eye out for him.  My sister and mother-in-law started driving through our neighborhood again.  And then they branched out.  He could have been anywhere, even miles away.

Only about an hour after he got out, my sister called to say she found him in a subdivision north of our house trotting down a sidewalk.  He hopped right into her car and she brought him right home.  He was safe and uninjured.

We are so lucky.  So lucky that he ran north instead of west onto the highway.  So lucky that he’s so personable and didn’t run away from her.  So lucky that he didn’t run farther.  So lucky that my sister went down that exact street when she did.  So lucky he was only missing for an hour.

I should have been so mad at him, but all I wanted to do was hug him and keep him near me.  He was so tired the rest of the day.  These dogs are our babies in such a different way than the cats are.  They require so much more care and attention and I’m more than willing to give it to them.  I never would have forgiven myself if something had happened to him.

The new rules mean Skilly has to be locked up in another room or in his crate if we take Snow White outside without him and all leashes stay on until every door is shut tight.  We are, without a doubt, putting a fence up in the spring.    ❤

Chiropractic Infertility Treatment

I LOVE this graphic.  I found it on pinterest and can’t find the source.  But I just thought it was so perfect.

  Still waiting on my period to start.  I’ve had a little spotting off and on, but nothing more yet.  Of course.  If it starts today, or even tomorrow, we still have a shot at an IUI this month.  BUT, I finally made another appointment with Dr. B.  We haven’t seen him since the end of our monitoring cycle in August and I just really need to know where we’re at and what he thinks.

I want to pick his brain about a diagnosis.  Will he want to do a lap?  I’m just not content with his wait and see/ conservative approach and I want to know why my cycles continue to be so wonky despite the huge amounts of extra hormones we’re pumping into my body.  So we go see him again two weeks from yesterday.

I also made an appointment with a local chiropractor to get my uterus, my hips, and my lower back checked.  My cousin and her husband are chiropractors and really advocate using adjustments to keep the whole body healthy.  I chatted with her last night about it and she said there are a lot of connections between your hips, lower back, and uterus.  I wish I could go see them, but they live in Grand Rapids. 😦 I’m going to see this guy on Saturday morning.  I’ve always had a lot of hip and lower back pain, so maybe there’s something to this.   Any tips or personal experiences about chiropractic infertility treatments?

In other news, I’m pushing through final projects.  One week from tonight and I’ll be done for the semester!  I’m drinking too much coffee and not getting nearly enough sleep.  And I’m definitely not eating well.  Prenatal vitamins?  Oopsies…  Thank goodness we took this cycle off.

On Tuesday, Snow White had her first vet appointment.  It went well.  Afterwards, we met my sister and her goldendoodle, Mr. Smith, at the dog park so the cousins could play together.  Snow White never stops running. 😉

It’s finally cooling down here (again).  The greyhounds are back in their jackets when we go outside.  And they’ve both fallen in love with our wood burning fireplace. 😉

 

 

COME ONNNN, WINTER BREAK!!

I was listening to the radio this morning while I was running errands and they were talking about the best places in the world to be pregnant and have a baby in terms of comfort, safety, and cost.  Not surprisingly, the US didn’t even make the top ten.  At the top of the list was Switzerland followed by Australia.  Bébé Suisse and Laughing Promises, I’m coming to live with you when we get pregnant. 😉

Nothing new here.  I’m taking advantage of feeling good this cycle by getting things done around the house and finishing all of my final projects (aka consuming lots of caffeine).  I’d forgotten how good it is to feel normal.  Not injecting myself or popping pills all month has been glorious.

I’m waiting anxiously for my period to start now.  If it starts before Friday, we should be able to go ahead with our 3rd IUI in December.  If it starts anywhere from December 8 through December 12, we will probably have to wait until January.  As much as I’ve enjoyed this month off, I would like to get this show on the road.  Especially because I’ll be on winter break for December’s IUI and won’t have to worry about getting things done.  I can be free to obsess about my angry uterus.

I am 1  2 minute movie creation about community and school politics, 1 power point on the same topic, 6 final lesson plans, 1 two page paper about school observations, 1 essay annotation, 4 tutoring hours, and 1 final exam away from winter break.  I am so ready for this.

We took advantage of Chicago’s 60 degree weather yesterday and put our Christmas lights on the house.  It looks so pretty. =)

Also, I finished Skill Set’s Christmas jacket.  Although, since it’s supposed to get to 70 degrees today, I’m not sure he’s going to get to wear it this year..

Release the Hounds!

Life feels full right now.  It isn’t dragging.  It’s full enough that I’m able to ignore the ache in my heart that something is missing.  Is that good?

We did the right thing adopting Snow White.  She’s more stubborn than Skill Set (which I didn’t think was possible).  She’s more strong willed.  She’s more affectionate.  She’s more of a puppy.  They work so well together.  They compliment each other nicely.  He has become her older brother.  He’s her protector, her playmate, her teacher.

If we never have kids, I think I could feel some form of contentment with my four-legged family.

I’ve been thinking more lately as well that becoming a teacher mean being responsible for hundreds of kids on any given day.  Kids who are smart and mouthy, shy and nervous, broken and unloved.  Teaching allows me to be involved in the lives of children, even if they’re not my own.  It allows me to make a positive difference in the world, even if it’s indirect.  Teaching makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something, even if I can’t ever be a mom.

This is why I’ve chosen this profession.  This is also why I love it more and more everyday.  I still ache for our children, but my life is finally moving forward.

Snow White

Who needs babies when you fill your house with greyhounds and cats? 😉

We met Snow White today.  She’s awesome.  They let us take her home today too. 🙂  Skill Set is nervous, but happy.  The cats are debating killing us all in our sleep.  Life is good.

OHSS Continued

Nothing super new to report for the most part.  I’m still in a fair amount of pain off and on, though it’s a different kind of pain than it was.  It’s more of cramping pain and less of a stabbing pain.  I’m having a hard time differentiating between symptoms of a possible pregnancy and symptoms of the OHSS.  I feel a lot different than I did when I was pregnant before.  I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.

I still can’t be on my feet for very long before I start to really feel bad.  I’m managing a load of laundry here and there, and I’m thankful I can teach and study sitting down.  I’ve had a really light workload from my classes for the past 2 weeks, so that’s been a huge weight lifted as well.  I’ve been able to lay down when I need it and not worry so much about getting things done (although, I think there might be something growing on the dirty dishes in the sink… yikes..).

On a positive note, when they drew blood for a CBC last Thursday, they also decided to check my hormones just to see where they were.  I wasn’t supposed to start taking prometrium until Friday and my progesterone check wasn’t supposed to be until Monday.  BUT, my progesterone was already at 15 all by itself 4 days past the trigger shot. 🙂  My progesterone has never gone up on it’s own before.  I know having progesterone in your system isn’t indicative of a pregnancy, but it’s good to know my body can do some things naturally (you know, naturally if you don’t count all of the extra FSH shots and hcg trigger I had pumped my body full of).

I’m having weird dreams too.  Last night, I dreamed that Dr. B’s office didn’t tell us that we actually had 5 mature follicles.  I’m obviously subconsciously terrified of high order multiples.  Although, I don’t blame myself for it.  Twins?  Awesome.  Triplets?  Do-able, maybe.  Quads or more?  No, thank you..  One or two would be just right. 🙂
I also had dinner with President Obama.  He asked for my advice on something super top secret and important.  😉  But that could have been because we stayed up ridiculously late waiting for his speech last night. 😉

Skill has been keeping me excellent company for the past week.  After we lost the baby, Jeremy lifted his “no dogs in the bed” rule.  The new rule is that Skill has to be invited onto our bed, he isn’t allowed to sleep in our bed at night, and he has to get down if one of us is feeling crowded.  It’s been so nice to have company while I’ve been feeling so bad.  The cats are great, but they usually do their own thing for most of the day.  Skill is always with me and is always totally down with all of the lounging.

Today is 9 days past IUI #2.  In less than a week, we’ll know if it worked.  I’m ready for this cycle from hell to be over one way or another.

IUI #2

Things went smoothly yesterday morning.  Much more so than last time.  I was able to remind her that about my short uterus, so there was no jabbing with the catheter this time.  Our “sample” only contained 3 million (they want to see 90 million), but 91% were forward moving (50% is normal).  They checked Jeremy for a hormone problem, but everything came back normal.  It only takes one, right?  He’s started taking CoQ 10 plus his multivitamin, so hopefully things will look better for the next IUI.

I start progesterone on Friday and go back in for an ultrasound and blood work on Monday.  I’ve had some cramping off and on and my uterus just feels tired.  I think I’ve slept for 18 of the past 24 hours.  I’m definitely not feeling 100% after this IUI.  But it could be the IUI, ovidrel, and 2 follicles combined.  I also tend to sleep more when I’m stressed out.  And I’m definitely stressed out.

We carved pumpkins at my mom’s on Sunday.  It was a nice distraction.  Skill came too. 😉

I interviewed for a tutoring position at our local community college’s Upward Bound Program a couple weeks ago.  I got the position and I start today.  I’ll be at a local high school working with seniors on their college application essays.  It’s only 4 hours a week, but it will give me more experience working with high school students.  I’m really looking forward to it.  🙂

No new updates other than that.  It will be a long 2 weeks before we find anything out.  Just trying to stay busy now.

Time Limits

Nothing new and exciting so far, which I think is a good thing.  Started prometrium on Monday and taking it at night is really helping with the symptoms.

We got a ton of yard work done over the weekend and visited a new church for the second time.  I finished Skill’s winter coat and hat..
And we took him to the dog park on Saturday when the weather was nice and warm…

School is getting crazy busy.  I’m so glad I only opted for 2 course this semester.  With moving and fertility stuff, I think 3 courses would have been way too much.  I am thinking about taking 3 in the spring though.  It’s all going to depend on if we get pregnant this semester or not.

I think I’m starting to consider a stopping point with infertility treatments though.  If it’s not going to happen any time soon, I want to start focusing more on finishing my masters.  I could have it done in two years (maybe even less) if I could concentrate more on it.  I don’t want to get way far into it and then have to stop if we miraculously get pregnant.  That feels like a big waste to me.  We can always pick fertility treatments up again if we want to once I’m working.  OR we can concentrate on paying off our student loans and then look at adoption.  OR we can get a few more greyhounds and call it even. 😉

I’m getting more and more frustrated lately when it comes to the things I can’t do.  Or things I’m afraid to do.  It’s been almost 2 years and it’s getting old.  Does that sound selfish?  I just don’t think I can be someone who puts 10+ years of my life into fertility medications and procedures and doctors.  Maybe once school is finished, it will be easier to juggle.  I don’t think we’ll ever stop trying, but it seems easier to handle if there’s a stopping point for the needles and ultrasounds and medications.  I need to know that it’s not going to go on forever.

I think next summer is the time limit for now.  That’s almost 3 years of trying and 1 full year with our RE.

Maybe I sound like I’m not committed enough to this, but I want to live my life and if kids aren’t a part of it, then I want to enjoy what I do have.  I want to enjoy my husband and our pets.  I want to enjoy being a teacher.  I want to enjoy our house.  I don’t want to spend years and years of my life pining for what I don’t have.  Infertility treatments make me do that.  They make you far more invested in the outcome of each and every cycle.  The injections it took to just make a follicle, the IUI or transfer, the progesterone to sustain an embryo…  THE COST OF EVERYTHING.  How could you not spend every waking moment thinking and hoping and dreading the outcome?

I’ll be 25 in a couple months.  I was barely 23 when I started trying to have a baby.  I know that’s incredibly young, but if I can’t make a baby now, what will my chances be a 26, 27, or 28 when fertility rates first start to decline at 25?

Maybe I’m jumping the gun here, but I need to set this time limit.  We still have 8 or 9 months left with our RE, so plenty could happen.  I just need to see an ending to it for now.  Nothing says we can’t push it out for longer if we feel we need to.  Nothing says we can’t take a 6 month break and start again.  But for now, life needs to keep moving.  I need to be something other than a part time graduate student/full time lady with unexplained infertility…  I need to have some greater purpose in this life than that.

_______________________

On a completely unrelated note, I accidentally left the bird seed bag on the patio after filling the bird feeder.  I woke up to this…  Happy Wednesday! 😉

Done and Done

WELLLLL, the IUI is done.  It’s been just over 24 hours.  Too early to test? Maybe? Yes?  😉

But in all seriousness, thanks so much for the comments yesterday.  I’m feeling cautiously positive.

Jeremy and I got up just before 6 am yesterday morning in order to get to Dr. B’s by 7.  We were both dragging our feet getting ready and ended up running out the door with barely enough time to make the 25 minute drive.  I think we were both a little apprehensive and a lot nervous about what the morning would bring.

After he did his thing, they told us to go to breakfast and be back in an hour or so.  I thought they were a little crazy for thinking we would be able to eat and think about anything other than what was going to get shoved up into my lady parts in an hour, but we actually had a surprisingly nice time at breakfast.  We haven’t had a ton of time lately to just sit and chat.  We’ve had so much company and so much going on with the house, that it was really nice to just have a few minutes to ourselves before things threatened to get crazy again.  I know I also needed the time to finish wrapping my head around what was about to happen.

When we got back to Dr. B’s, they got us right into the room and had me change.  I was expecting something way over the top, but the whole thing was so informal and so relaxed.  I needed that.  I needed them to act like this was normal and ok.  I needed to feel like I wasn’t a failure for having to go through with this.  And they definitely gave me that.

Now.  Things might get a little TMI, but since you’re reading a blog where I frequently talk about my lady parts, I’m going to assume you’re ok with that. 😉
Sooooo, in the speculum went.  Not comfortable when you’re just getting an exam, even more uncomfortable when you know what’s coming next.  Then the catheter.  Ugh.  She warned me before she started that I would probably feel some pressure and maybe a little bit of cramping when she was almost to the top of my uterus.  Almost as soon as she started the cramping was excruciating.  I was going to just go with it, but she decided that there might be something wrong and called another nurse in to do an ultrasound while she inserted the catheter.
They squirted the cold ultrasound gel onto my stomach and immediately found my uterus.  She inserted the catheter again and, like before, the cramping was awful.  The nurse doing the ultrasound told her to stop and pull the catheter back.  She had been hitting the top of my uterus with the catheter.  Multiple times.  Evidently, I have a really short uterus.  Ow.  Ow. Ow.  They told me that shouldn’t have any impact on my ability (or inability) to get pregnant.

BUT, they kept the ultrasound on and turned the screen towards us while the injected the “specimen” 😉 into my uterus.  It was just a blob of white, but it was actually really neat to be able to see that.

I was a little crampy off an on yesterday.  I ended up staying home from class, and am actually really happy I did.  Today, I’m still crampy and have had just a small touch of spotting.  I’m super tired, but that could just be from the excitement and stress.

I took Skill to the dog park earlier and we were both exhausted after walking the island for half an hour.  I’m going to focus on napping and making his winter coat and hat for the rest of the day.  I saw this picture before we got him and decided I HAVE to figure out the knitting pattern for this hat.
Her site is in Swedish, but even with after using google translate on the whole page, I didn’t see anything for the actual pattern.   Soooo, Skill and I are going to figure it out ourselves.  And it’s going to be adorable! 🙂
Other than that, we’re taking the weekend easy. It will be our first relaxed weekend since we’ve moved in.  Jeremy is cleaning the garage and I might bake something delicious.

Prometrium starts on Monday.  Does it make anyone else dizzy?  I’m going to start taking it at bedtime, because last month I looked like I was drunk 20 minutes after every pill… 😉