Tag Archives: Jeremy


1 Nov

Yep.  I’ve officially developed the dreaded Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome.

The cramps I was feeling the days after Monday’s IUI were just a precursor to yesterday’s OMG I’M DYING, SOMEONE IS STABBING ME WITH A KNIFE pain.  After a brief call to Dr. B’s office, I was told to take some tylenol, rest, and come in for an ultrasound in the morning… Talk about tough love.

Today they found lots of fluid in my abdominal cavity and enlarged ovaries.  Woo! The bad news?  There’s nothing they can do about it other than keep an eye on it for now.  The good news?  It won’t affect my ability to get pregnant this cycle.  Even worse news?  If I am pregnant, it’s going to last even longer thanks to the excess hcg that will be in my system.  At least then it will be worth it.

They’re checking my white blood cell count, just in case, and I was told to clear my schedule and stay off my feet for a while and to hydrate like crazy.

I had to stay home from class last night, so I was home for Halloween.  I hung out on the couch and watched Jeremy hand  out candy.  This is the first time we’ve ever handed out candy, so it was kind of exciting.  Until Jeremy opened the door with the bowl of candy and said, “Hey, little girls..” to 2 little girls.  It was a little creepy.  We had to have a discussion on the proper way to talk to small children without freaking their parents out. 😉  He had the hang of it by the end of the night.  He definitely made the evening humorous though.

Skilly and Bella really liked the activity.  They had never seen Trick or Treaters before.  Alice hid under the bed. 😉

10 days until testing day. :/

IUI #2

30 Oct

Things went smoothly yesterday morning.  Much more so than last time.  I was able to remind her that about my short uterus, so there was no jabbing with the catheter this time.  Our “sample” only contained 3 million (they want to see 90 million), but 91% were forward moving (50% is normal).  They checked Jeremy for a hormone problem, but everything came back normal.  It only takes one, right?  He’s started taking CoQ 10 plus his multivitamin, so hopefully things will look better for the next IUI.

I start progesterone on Friday and go back in for an ultrasound and blood work on Monday.  I’ve had some cramping off and on and my uterus just feels tired.  I think I’ve slept for 18 of the past 24 hours.  I’m definitely not feeling 100% after this IUI.  But it could be the IUI, ovidrel, and 2 follicles combined.  I also tend to sleep more when I’m stressed out.  And I’m definitely stressed out.

We carved pumpkins at my mom’s on Sunday.  It was a nice distraction.  Skill came too. 😉

I interviewed for a tutoring position at our local community college’s Upward Bound Program a couple weeks ago.  I got the position and I start today.  I’ll be at a local high school working with seniors on their college application essays.  It’s only 4 hours a week, but it will give me more experience working with high school students.  I’m really looking forward to it.  🙂

No new updates other than that.  It will be a long 2 weeks before we find anything out.  Just trying to stay busy now.

22: It Existed

16 Oct

The world doesn’t end when you lose a baby.  I know I’ve read blog posts that are eerily similar to how I’m feeling right now.  I feel like I’m stuck between grief and the real world, but I’m the only one who’s in this place.  Life doesn’t stop.  Part of me wants to scream and make it slow down and acknowledge this horrible loss; to acknowledge that this child existed even for this short amount of time.  It doesn’t matter that it was only 4 weeks and 5 days old.  It doesn’t matter that it was probably just an embryo.  It existed.  It was our baby.

Another part of me wants to throw myself into life.  Into classes, into trying again.  Part of me wants to move on and move forward.  I’ve ordered my Gonal-F for this next cycle.  Dr. B agreed to double my dose.  112.5 units will be injected into my stomach on Saturday.  And then again on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday.  The only thing I can do to for this baby is to move forward and try to be as happy as I can.

I am and always have been an impatient person.  It has always driven my family crazy.  It drives Jeremy crazy all the time.  But a few weeks ago,  Jeremy told me that he thinks in this instance, my impatience is a blessing.  It allows me to start again each month and to push for more.  After this month especially.  We got so close.  We made a baby.  We can do it again.  I can’t stop and wait right now.  If I do, I might be afraid to ever try again.

I’m trying not to feel guilty.  I’m trying not to feel like I’m doing our baby an injustice, that I’m trying to replace him.  I’m trying to believe that something wonderful is right around the corner.

I found this poem yesterday.  If you’re super hormonal right now, don’t read it.  Unless you want a good cry, then definitely read it.  It makes me sad, but it’s also comforting at the same time.  And it makes me feel a little less guilty about moving forward.

Time Limits

3 Oct

Nothing new and exciting so far, which I think is a good thing.  Started prometrium on Monday and taking it at night is really helping with the symptoms.

We got a ton of yard work done over the weekend and visited a new church for the second time.  I finished Skill’s winter coat and hat..
And we took him to the dog park on Saturday when the weather was nice and warm…

School is getting crazy busy.  I’m so glad I only opted for 2 course this semester.  With moving and fertility stuff, I think 3 courses would have been way too much.  I am thinking about taking 3 in the spring though.  It’s all going to depend on if we get pregnant this semester or not.

I think I’m starting to consider a stopping point with infertility treatments though.  If it’s not going to happen any time soon, I want to start focusing more on finishing my masters.  I could have it done in two years (maybe even less) if I could concentrate more on it.  I don’t want to get way far into it and then have to stop if we miraculously get pregnant.  That feels like a big waste to me.  We can always pick fertility treatments up again if we want to once I’m working.  OR we can concentrate on paying off our student loans and then look at adoption.  OR we can get a few more greyhounds and call it even. 😉

I’m getting more and more frustrated lately when it comes to the things I can’t do.  Or things I’m afraid to do.  It’s been almost 2 years and it’s getting old.  Does that sound selfish?  I just don’t think I can be someone who puts 10+ years of my life into fertility medications and procedures and doctors.  Maybe once school is finished, it will be easier to juggle.  I don’t think we’ll ever stop trying, but it seems easier to handle if there’s a stopping point for the needles and ultrasounds and medications.  I need to know that it’s not going to go on forever.

I think next summer is the time limit for now.  That’s almost 3 years of trying and 1 full year with our RE.

Maybe I sound like I’m not committed enough to this, but I want to live my life and if kids aren’t a part of it, then I want to enjoy what I do have.  I want to enjoy my husband and our pets.  I want to enjoy being a teacher.  I want to enjoy our house.  I don’t want to spend years and years of my life pining for what I don’t have.  Infertility treatments make me do that.  They make you far more invested in the outcome of each and every cycle.  The injections it took to just make a follicle, the IUI or transfer, the progesterone to sustain an embryo…  THE COST OF EVERYTHING.  How could you not spend every waking moment thinking and hoping and dreading the outcome?

I’ll be 25 in a couple months.  I was barely 23 when I started trying to have a baby.  I know that’s incredibly young, but if I can’t make a baby now, what will my chances be a 26, 27, or 28 when fertility rates first start to decline at 25?

Maybe I’m jumping the gun here, but I need to set this time limit.  We still have 8 or 9 months left with our RE, so plenty could happen.  I just need to see an ending to it for now.  Nothing says we can’t push it out for longer if we feel we need to.  Nothing says we can’t take a 6 month break and start again.  But for now, life needs to keep moving.  I need to be something other than a part time graduate student/full time lady with unexplained infertility…  I need to have some greater purpose in this life than that.


On a completely unrelated note, I accidentally left the bird seed bag on the patio after filling the bird feeder.  I woke up to this…  Happy Wednesday! 😉

Done and Done

28 Sep

WELLLLL, the IUI is done.  It’s been just over 24 hours.  Too early to test? Maybe? Yes?  😉

But in all seriousness, thanks so much for the comments yesterday.  I’m feeling cautiously positive.

Jeremy and I got up just before 6 am yesterday morning in order to get to Dr. B’s by 7.  We were both dragging our feet getting ready and ended up running out the door with barely enough time to make the 25 minute drive.  I think we were both a little apprehensive and a lot nervous about what the morning would bring.

After he did his thing, they told us to go to breakfast and be back in an hour or so.  I thought they were a little crazy for thinking we would be able to eat and think about anything other than what was going to get shoved up into my lady parts in an hour, but we actually had a surprisingly nice time at breakfast.  We haven’t had a ton of time lately to just sit and chat.  We’ve had so much company and so much going on with the house, that it was really nice to just have a few minutes to ourselves before things threatened to get crazy again.  I know I also needed the time to finish wrapping my head around what was about to happen.

When we got back to Dr. B’s, they got us right into the room and had me change.  I was expecting something way over the top, but the whole thing was so informal and so relaxed.  I needed that.  I needed them to act like this was normal and ok.  I needed to feel like I wasn’t a failure for having to go through with this.  And they definitely gave me that.

Now.  Things might get a little TMI, but since you’re reading a blog where I frequently talk about my lady parts, I’m going to assume you’re ok with that. 😉
Sooooo, in the speculum went.  Not comfortable when you’re just getting an exam, even more uncomfortable when you know what’s coming next.  Then the catheter.  Ugh.  She warned me before she started that I would probably feel some pressure and maybe a little bit of cramping when she was almost to the top of my uterus.  Almost as soon as she started the cramping was excruciating.  I was going to just go with it, but she decided that there might be something wrong and called another nurse in to do an ultrasound while she inserted the catheter.
They squirted the cold ultrasound gel onto my stomach and immediately found my uterus.  She inserted the catheter again and, like before, the cramping was awful.  The nurse doing the ultrasound told her to stop and pull the catheter back.  She had been hitting the top of my uterus with the catheter.  Multiple times.  Evidently, I have a really short uterus.  Ow.  Ow. Ow.  They told me that shouldn’t have any impact on my ability (or inability) to get pregnant.

BUT, they kept the ultrasound on and turned the screen towards us while the injected the “specimen” 😉 into my uterus.  It was just a blob of white, but it was actually really neat to be able to see that.

I was a little crampy off an on yesterday.  I ended up staying home from class, and am actually really happy I did.  Today, I’m still crampy and have had just a small touch of spotting.  I’m super tired, but that could just be from the excitement and stress.

I took Skill to the dog park earlier and we were both exhausted after walking the island for half an hour.  I’m going to focus on napping and making his winter coat and hat for the rest of the day.  I saw this picture before we got him and decided I HAVE to figure out the knitting pattern for this hat.
Her site is in Swedish, but even with after using google translate on the whole page, I didn’t see anything for the actual pattern.   Soooo, Skill and I are going to figure it out ourselves.  And it’s going to be adorable! 🙂
Other than that, we’re taking the weekend easy. It will be our first relaxed weekend since we’ve moved in.  Jeremy is cleaning the garage and I might bake something delicious.

Prometrium starts on Monday.  Does it make anyone else dizzy?  I’m going to start taking it at bedtime, because last month I looked like I was drunk 20 minutes after every pill… 😉

The Looming IUI

24 Sep

The past ten days have been so crazy busy…

It’s been a… greyhound smooching, long dog walking, presentation giving, epic cleaning, baking, ultrasound getting, cooking, Ikea shopping, family gathering, Grandmother hosting, church going, medication injecting, fireplace snuggling, coffee drinking, IUI scheduling, dog coat making, follicle growing, winter clothes wearing… week and a half. 🙂

Skill came home over a week ago, and it almost seems like he’s always lived here.  He’s probably one of the very best things we could have done for ourselves.  He’s a million times more effective than therapy and a million times cuter.  He’s the least demanding dog I’ve ever met.  He’s so relaxed and docile that it’s easy to forget he’s there.  He sleeps close to 20 hours a day, but he always makes sure he’s snoozing in the same room I’m in, so I’m never completely alone.  He loves Jeremy and I completely and I didn’t think we could love a dog as much as we love him already.  He’s sweet and affectionate and is happy to just be around us.  He sleeps on our bedroom floor straight through the night and is almost completely indifferent towards the cats.  The cats warmed up to him after only a few days and now happily curl up in bed with us despite him being just a few feet away.

Our family feels good.  I feel somewhat content for the first time in years.  I don’t know if it will last, but I’m so happy and thankful for this goofy and sensitive dog. 🙂

In other news, my grandmother and aunt came to visit this weekend and stayed with us.  It’s the first overnight company we’ve had here and the first time I’ve ever hosted a family gathering.  It was such a nice weekend. 🙂  We chatted and baked and cooked and shopped and just spent time together.

It was all a welcome distraction from our upcoming IUI.  Thursday’s day 8 ultrasound found a lot of little follicles, but nothing dominant.  My estrogen was at 50.  Today’s day 12 ultrasound found one 18mm follicle.  Just one again.  I’m a little bummed out, but Dr. B said he’d rather see one good sized follicle with good estrogen, than two ok sized follicles splitting the estrogen.  I don’t even know if I have the energy to care really.  Between having company all weekend and the Gonal-f injections, I’m wiped out.  I don’t think I even have the emotional energy to invest in this cycle.  I’m just going to do what they tell me to do for now and see what happens.  We’ve never tried an IUI before and the Gonal-f is working — I have a large follicle and estrogen levels to prove it.

I go back for more blood work and an ultrasound on Wednesday morning.  They’re aiming for Thursday or Friday for the IUI.  Jeremy offered to take the whole day off, which I’m incredibly thankful for.  We might not be making a baby the old fashioned way, but at least he’ll be in the room when it happens and with me afterwards.

I’m taking the week easy and catching up on homework and actual work.  School is going alright.. sort of.  But that’s for another post.

21: Staying Focused

14 Sep

Just kidding again!! Isn’t it funny how easily I can jinx myself. 😉  I woke up at 5:30 yesterday morning feeling a little crampy.  I was awake, so I thought I’d just slip into the bathroom and pee on a stick.  I waited the 3 minutes and was eyeballing the single line trying to find some trace of a second when my period started.  Oh, the timing…

Yesterday was hard, but having things to look forward to and work on really really helped.  Jeremy took the morning off and not being all alone like I usually am really helped too.

Dr. B’s office called yesterday afternoon to tell me to start injecting 75 units of Gonal-F again, but this time we’re starting on day 5 instead of 8.  She made sure I was clear on that and casually threw in that Dr. B wants to try an IUI this cycle.  I squeaked out an “Ok” and managed to hold off on a mild panic attack until I was off the phone.
I know I’ve been pushing for an IUI, but now that it’s here, now that it’s something we really and truly need… I’m terrified.  It’s really scary to me that my body is so screwed up.

Jeremy was pushing to take this cycle off, and while part of me wonders if that would be a good idea, there are some facts I can’t ignore and all of them have to do with insurance deductibles and coverage.  We’ve met certain deductibles already and I lose my primary form of insurance on my birthday.  So it’s all too obvious that getting pregnant before I turn 25 in December would save us a lot of money.  I hate that we have to think that way, but we have to be realistic and responsible about this.

So we’ll be paying for this IUI mostly out of pocket and, while I’ll be praying it works and I never have to think about it again, we’ll know the next one or two will be 100% covered.  And that makes me feel a little bit better about things.

Things I’m not ok with? One follicle.  This past cycle on Gonal-F, we ended up with 1 decently sized follicle.  I’m not ok with that when it comes to an IUI.  I’m aware it only takes one egg, but so far, one egg hasn’t been cutting it.  Dr. B is SOOOO conservative, which I appreciate… to an extent.  We may need to have a discussion..

Finally…. how painful is an IUI? Do you usually feel just fine afterwards?  Should I clear my day just in case?

Skill will be here to stay in less than 11 hours.  I’m hanging curtains in the family room today and fertilizing the vinca.  I’m aiming for a very chill day. 🙂

Ps.  I’m LOVING the cool weather.