Too Tired to Care

Dude, it’s over-emotional central over here.

It could be stemming from a number of things including… 1. We are almost finished with our last assisted cycle.  If this doesn’t work, the chance of us having our own kids is very slim.  2. One year ago tomorrow, we found out we were pregnant.  One year ago on Tuesday, we found out our baby had died.  3. There are so many artificial hormones floating through my body!!  4. I’m just exhausted.

There’s just a lot going on right now.

We’ve been looking more into adoption and, more recently, more into foster care.  I don’t know if I’m ready, or comfortable handing $10,000+ that I don’t have over for a baby.  The idea of buying a baby is still really bothering me and I can’t seem to shake it.  It’s probably still something we’ll do eventually, but I think we’re keeping our options open and hoping and praying that something good falls into our laps.  We could really use something good.

I’m just so tired of having to work so hard at something most people don’t even have to think about.  I want that weekend in Vegas baby.

Yesterday’s monitoring showed that I probably only ended up with 1 egg this time.  1 egg.  The rest of the follicles are still hanging out, getting bigger, and turning into cysts.  That’s so nice….  They did assure me that I have a wonderful ratio of estrogen to progesterone.  Although I’m not sure I care any more.  I’m just too tired.

Meanwhile the greyhounds got collar lights last weekend.  They now glow in the dark.  Love them.

IUI #6/3

I’m so over these injections.  Knowing that we’re almost done has not made doing them any easier.  One more gonal-f tonight and then a novarel tomorrow and then, cross your fingers, I’m done injecting hormones into my body.  YAY!

I went in for a follicle count and blood work today.  She found 5 follicles, but only one looked like it would be dominant.  I’m a little bummed out.  We decreased the meds in hopes that 6 follicles would go down to maybe 2 or 3 follicles, but it looks like one it is.  My estrogen came back at 374, so we definitely have 1 really solid follicle, maybe even a second by Friday.

Friday is IUI #6/3.  It will only be cycle day 11.  It’s rather early, but if follicles are ready, then they’re ready, right?

This seems to have gone fast, but the early IUI coupled with the fact that I’ve been done with a horrible cold since this past weekend is probably why.  I’ve heard it’s going around and with the huge number of different students I see on a daily basis, it’s not surprising that it got me.

What do I do when I’m sick?  Knit socks of course.  The socks that I started a couple weeks ago got finished up last night…

 

Find the pattern here.

You can also catch a glimpse of the new nursery floor and wall color in that picture.  I’ve been too sick and/or preoccupied to take good pictures of it so far.  I’ll get there eventually.  For now, I’d prefer to nap on my couch. 🙂

One Last Time

And the ultrasound was… clear!  

The only explanation is that the epic pain I’ve been in has been clearing my ovaries of cysts and leftover follicles.  I still feel bad.  I’m still dreading another cycle.  When she said they looked perfect, I wanted to cry.  But here we go.  One last time.  This is it.  It’s our one last shot.

We’re lowering the dose to 75 ius of gonal-f.  That will mean fewer follicles, but it will also mean healthier ovaries and maybe even a booster shot after the IUI.  The one month I actually got pregnant, I was on 75 units and got a booster 1 week post IUI.  Maybe that’s the magic combination.  112.5 obviously wasn’t doing it.

If this doesn’t work, we’re done medicating.  It means I’m done with injections and blood draws and ultrasounds.  It means I’m done worrying every day that it’s not going to work… or that it is.  We’ll move on to something new, but at least this mess will be over.  I’m not going to lie, I’m looking forward to the end.

If this doesn’t work, I’m ok.  We’ll be ok.  We’ll still have a family, it will just look different than we thought it would.  But we’ll still have a family.

Injections start tomorrow. Again.

33: Next…

IUI #5 didn’t work.  The extra cysts and swelling made for a very painful Sunday afternoon.  I’m thankful for the left over Tylenol-3’s I have from my lap.  I knew I saved them for a reason…

I don’t know what comes next.  We’re moving forward with our very last IUI.  I told Dr. B’s nurse that I wanted to decrease the gonal-f from 112.5 to 75 units.  I know I made 5 follicles and 6 follicles the past two cycles, but they’ve been beating the hell out of me in the process.  I’m swollen and sore from the day after my IUI until a couple days after my period starts every month.  Thus far, it hasn’t been worth it.  This past cycle, I may have produced 6 follicles, but only a couple of them actually produced eggs.  So my question for her is: what’s the point?

She’s going to chat with him and let me know when I go in for my baseline ultrasound tomorrow morning.  I’m even less certain than last month that my ovaries are clear of cysts.  I’m actually hoping for a month of birth control.  I feel really run down.  I know I could just take a month off myself, but I don’t want to give the endometriosis any extra opportunity to grow back.  AND I’m afraid if I stop, I’ll never be able to start again.

We also had to schedule a consultation appointment with Dr. B for the end of October in case this IUI also doesn’t work.  She didn’t tell me what it was for, but I’m assuming he’s going to tell us that if we’re not interested in moving forward with IVF then he can’t help us.  Bummer.

Now how about some pictures?  My posts have been very infertility treatment heavy lately… Say ‘hello’ to WHAT I KNIT THIS SUMMER! 😉

 

I made these for a friend who is pregnant with twin girls via IVF.  She’s almost 36 weeks and I’m so excited!!  The booties are cotton and fleece.  Find the sweater pattern here.

 

This is for our neighbors who just had a baby girl.  We really lucked out in the neighbor department. 🙂  Pattern found here.

And this is for my mom’s best friend’s new grand daughter.  She saw the sweaters I made for the twins and asked if I’d make her a sweater and booties.  I was excited to try this one in green though.  It gives it a much different feel than the pink ones.

Needless to day, a lot of baby knitting going on.  Considering I don’t normally knit in the summer, I feel like a got a surprising amount done.  I haven’t knit anything for myself recently, but I did start a pair of socks on Sunday.  I haven’t finished a pair of socks in over a year and I miss freshly knitted socks on my feet! 🙂

Other than that, not a lot is going on.  I’m working as much as I can because I’m planning on needing a good chunk of savings to adopt a baby…  It’s been nice to be so distracted though, so I can’t complain.

More after tomorrow’s ultrasound.

 

IUI #5

Tomorrow is IUI #5…. And I have 6 follicles. Bleh.  The good news is that my estrogen is only 668, still higher than normal for me, but not indicative of 6 fully mature follicles.  We’re guessing 3 or 4 good ones, which is an excellent IUI number.

I’ve felt rather detached from this cycle.  I’m assuming its because we were so hopeful last cycle, but I’m not complaining.  I feel more relaxed going into this IUI than the last and I think that is good for my overall health and my reproductive health.

Physically, I’m really feeling the toll of having a high number of follicles two cycles in a row.  I’m exhausted and I don’t think it’s just the gonal-f.  I feel worn down.  I felt this way after we did two IUI’s in a row last fall.  It’s just a lot to put your body through without a break.

So, we’ll see how this goes.  Going to rock it tomorrow. 🙂

Replication

My day was just made.  Why?  Because I found another full pen of gonal-f in the back of my fridge, which means I don’t have to order any medication again this month.  That is excellent.  It’s the little things in life, you know?

I kept a rather low profile over the weekend because I just needed to be and get over the epic drop in artificial hormones that occurred after my cycle failed.   900+ estrogen is a long way to fall.  But it fell and while it completely blows, right now, it is what it is.  In 5 minutes, it might be the end of the world again, but right now, it’s ok.

I went for my scan on Friday expecting a birth control cycle.  My ovaries were shockingly huge a week post IUI and as I’d never had so many follicles, I just assumed it would take some extra time to bounce back.  My ultrasound tech entered the room and the first thing she asked me was if we had considered IVF any more.  I told her that we had decided against it.  For that much money out of pocket, we’d want a sure thing and adoption was probably going to be our next step.  Every time someone in that office mentions IVF, I’m reminded that we’ve gone through a lot and that we’re most definitely coming to the end of our fertility treatment road.  

At the end of our road, it forks.  One direction is IVF.  It’s tens of thousands of dollars for a chance to become biological parents.  It’s an incredibly tempting chance.  One that, if our circumstances were different, I might have taken.  In the other direction, is discontinuing treatments and accepting that we will never have biological children of our own.  That road contains two more forks.  Childlessness or adoption.  At this point, I’ve worked too hard and put too much of myself into creating a family to choose to live child-free.  Our family needs something more.  

But.  We’re not there yet.

My ovaries, miraculously, were clear.  They shouldn’t have been.  Sherry couldn’t believe they looked so perfect.  She said it should have taken weeks for them to reduce in swelling so much.  My body has managed to stump Dr. B’s office again.  Excellent.

And so, Dr. B wants to replicate last cycle as best we can.  It should have worked, so he said.  It was exactly what he wanted to see.  The only hiccup?  I didn’t have a period before we started our last cycle.  I didn’t have a fresh uterine lining.  While that shouldn’t have technically mattered, it might have.  We’re starting fresh.  I’m injecting 112.5 units of gonal-f daily starting yesterday and crossing my fingers and toes for 5 more beautiful follicles.  I go in for a scan and bloodwork on Friday.

My goal for the next week or so?  Keep busy and try not to think about failing another cycle!  Yesterday, I made and froze 21 meals for when the OHSS monster strikes again.  I want to keep eating healthy even when I don’t feel good.  Having healthy food already made will help me do that.  All I have to do is pull it out the night before and put it in the slow cooker in the morning.  It couldn’t actually get any easier.

We also replaced the floor in the nursery over the weekend.  It looks amazing.  I’ll share pictures of it soon. 

14,16,16,17,19

Today, I went in for another monitoring appointment.  I was feeling so full, uncomfortable, and exhausted; I half expected to be told to trigger and come in tomorrow morning for IUI #4.

Not so much.  These follicles are going to keep cooking for a couple more days.  
The reasoning for that full, fuzzy feeling: 5 follicles.  I had a mild panic attack while I was laying on the ultrasound table without my pants on.  The ultrasound tech tried to assure me that she thought at least one of them wouldn’t make it.  Still… 4 follicles.  Yikes.  

Today, they’re measuring at 14mm, 16mm, 16mm, 17mm, and 19mm.  And my estrogen is a whopping 706

I keep my cycle charts on the fridge.  After each monitoring appointment I list how many follicles, their sizes, my estrogen level, lining size, and any other pertinent information.  One year ago today, I started my very first injectable cycle with Dr. B.  Looking back at my chart, I frequently recorded: 1 follicle, E2: 245, 2 follicles, 1 follicle, E2: 142, 1 follicle, E2: 296….  Today’s “5 follicle, E2: 706” looks ridiculously out of place.  I’ve never had more than 2 follicles mature at once and my estrogen has NEVER been higher than 296.

I think it’s safe to say the lurpon did it’s job.  I think it’s also safe to say that the endometriosis was, without a doubt, affecting my ability to create quality follicles. 

5 follicles. Nobody say the “t” words… Or the “q” words…

I’m taking one 112.5 unit dose of gonal-f today, one 75 unit dose of gonal-f tomorrow, triggering on Wednesday, and our 4th (and hopefully final) IUI will occur Thursday morning.  My guess?  We’ll end up with 4 mature follicles.  

I’m going to go throw up now…

Summer 2013. As told by bloodwork.

What a crazy summer.  The lupron debacle is (hopefully) over for good.  It was really ok until the end.  Now for a very long story time, yes?

The hotflashes, fatigue, and headaches were consistent starting at the second injection and only got worse as time went on.  Two days after my third injection, we met with Dr. B to discuss the plan.  I assumed 4 weeks from them we would be ready to start trying again.

We went into that meeting with him happy and hopeful, but came out of it confused and disheartened.  More than once during that meeting, Dr. B asked us if we could afford In Vitro or if we could get our insurance to cover it.  We were confused because he had always told us that IVF wasn’t necessary for us, that I would be fine once the endometriosis was cleared up with the lupron.  He claimed that our best bet would be IVF.  While that’s probably true, IVF isn’t on the table.  It is not an option for a number of reasons, mainly because if we’re going to pay for it out of pocket, we’d rather pay for an adoption.  They’re similar enough in price, but at least with adoption you’ve got more of a guaranteed that you’ll actually get baby.  No IVF.

That being covered, he also told us that it could take 6-8 weeks for my period to come back.  WHAT?!  And no, he wasn’t comfortable starting it again with medication.  Ugh.

Next? The heart, the thyroid and the clotting.  He wasn’t quite sure how actually sustaining a baby once I actually managed to get pregnant would go.  He suggested we meet with an oncological hematologist to be sure.  Yikes.

Then we left.  And I went and drank a large amount of rum while I tried not to have a complete melt down.  It helped.

A week later, we met with Dr. P, a oncological hematologist.  LOVED HIM!  He explained that my thyroid is fine.  Right now.  But, it might not be strong enough to sustain me AND a baby.  Clotting?  Also fine. Right now.  But it might prove to be a problem when a baby pops into the equation.  HOWEVER, he assured us that while neither of these things are curable, they are treatable.   He said with all the information that he had in front of him, he would encourage us to keep trying and to just keep in mind that it would be wise to monitor my blood and thyroid frequently throughout any subsequent pregnancy.  Whoosh.

The heart is another problem.  I seem to have every dna marker that could come with a genetic predisposition to heart disease.  I have sets from both parents which is interesting because my mom’s side of the family doesn’t seem to have the extensive heart problems my dad’s side does.  That being said, he told us I *could* potentially develop heart problems in my 40’s.  That’s just 15 years from now.  BUT, he also said, I could be perfectly healthy then as well.  It’s a guessing game.  

The heart business threw me for a loop.  He made it clear that everyone, if their bloodwork was analyzed to the extent that mine was, would come up with some kind of marker that suggested an early or painful death.  I’m just unlucky enough to have had mine done at such a young age.  I realize that.  I realize it’s not a death sentence.  I realize that I can take care of myself and be just fine.  But it also, over the course of a couple weeks, threw my life and the life I want to lead into perspective.  More on that in a bit.

One week after my last lupron injection, potentially 5 weeks before I should have had a period, I had my first post-lurpon period.  Now, I spotted and bled my way through lupron, which is unusual, but does happen.  This, however, was a full period.  The nurses at Dr. B’s were shocked and had to ask me if I was sure… Still in the lurpon rage, I snapped that I knew what a period looked like.   They told me to come into the office in 2 weeks for an ultrasound and bloodwork.  Yippie.

On July 22, I walked into the ultrasound room only to find the tiniest little follicles you ever did see.  Not enough to count.  Estrogen?  Still in the low 50’s.  “Come back in 2 weeks,” they said.  Great.

2 days later, I had my second post-lupron period.  I called in again.  They said they had no idea what was going on.  Dr. B said this never happens.  He thought my body was trying to fight the lurpon, but didn’t have enough estrogen to get anything done.  Come in for an ultrasound and bloodwork in 2 more weeks, they said. =/  

2 periods in 3 weeks, 3 months of lurpon, and general anxiety took its toll.  I had to drop my summer class.  I just couldn’t do it.  Thankfully, my school understood and allowed a very late withdraw.  I felt like a huge failure for a couple weeks.

On August 6, this past Tuesday, I went in for what promised to be another let down.  The cramping was back, as was the spotting.  Period #3 was on its way just 2 weeks after the second.  No follicles.  Nothing.  I suck.  Estrogen?  Lower than low.  At this point, we’re 5 weeks past the 3rd injection.  

And then they called.  “Your hormone levels are so flat,” they said, “that we don’t think you’ll get another period for quite some time.  Dr. B thinks it would be best to start injectable medications again.  Do you have any gonal-f?”  I only have  2250 units in my fridge.  That’s 5 boxes.  YES!

And so, as of this past Tuesday, I’m finally back in the game with 112.5 units of gonal-f injected into my menopausal tummy every evening.  Finally.  And Dr. B didn’t want to intervene.. 

Today’s ultrasound?  MANY 8mm follicles and estrogen that’s already up to 157.  I can’t tell you which cycle day this counts as since things were so wonky.  I can, however, tell you that when my estrogen is usually at 157, it usually indicates one 19mm follicle.  So the mystery at this point is… how many follicles are going to end up surviving?  My bet? 3. OMG.

We’ll find out on Monday.  Have a nice weekend.  

It’s good to be back. ❤

Time Off

Surprise! Dr. Binor’s office is closed November 22 through 25 for Thanksgiving.  The probability of our IUI falling somewhere in those 4 days is so high that they told us we’d have to try on our own this month with or without gonal-f injections.  My first thought was that we were definitely going to keep trying with medication.  But after talking to Jeremy, we’ve decided to take the month off.  I don’t need OHSS symptoms in the middle of finals for nothing.  Again.

I’m so jealous of those of you with RE’s who are available every day of the year.  Want to know what’s super exciting?  Our IUI in December is likely to fall on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.  I think this might be the universe’s way of telling us to give up for now.

 

23: What is Going on?

And we’re on to IUI #3.  This cycle lasted a magical 25 days.  What is that?  I’ve only ever had one cycle shorter than this and that was July’s WTF 23 day cycle.  Interestingly enough, I’m not horribly sad about it.  But I am so incredibly angry.  The severity of my OHSS was rare.  And it was for nothing.  I’ve spent the past 2 weeks in bed and in pain for absolutely nothing.  Now, we get to do it all over again.  Our next IUI will fall on the day after Thanksgiving depending on follicle growth.  I’m waiting to hear what’s on the menu medication-wise for this cycle.  I’m not sure if I’m hoping for higher gonal-f or not.

On the positive side, most of my OHSS symptoms disappeared soon after my period started.  For now, I’m just a little bloated still.

We’re spending the morning raking our leaves and mowing the grass for the last time before all of that snow hits us tomorrow. I love snow.  And then we’re going shopping because I don’t know whose body I’m living in, but it’s not the one I’m used to.