OHSS Continued

Nothing super new to report for the most part.  I’m still in a fair amount of pain off and on, though it’s a different kind of pain than it was.  It’s more of cramping pain and less of a stabbing pain.  I’m having a hard time differentiating between symptoms of a possible pregnancy and symptoms of the OHSS.  I feel a lot different than I did when I was pregnant before.  I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.

I still can’t be on my feet for very long before I start to really feel bad.  I’m managing a load of laundry here and there, and I’m thankful I can teach and study sitting down.  I’ve had a really light workload from my classes for the past 2 weeks, so that’s been a huge weight lifted as well.  I’ve been able to lay down when I need it and not worry so much about getting things done (although, I think there might be something growing on the dirty dishes in the sink… yikes..).

On a positive note, when they drew blood for a CBC last Thursday, they also decided to check my hormones just to see where they were.  I wasn’t supposed to start taking prometrium until Friday and my progesterone check wasn’t supposed to be until Monday.  BUT, my progesterone was already at 15 all by itself 4 days past the trigger shot. 🙂  My progesterone has never gone up on it’s own before.  I know having progesterone in your system isn’t indicative of a pregnancy, but it’s good to know my body can do some things naturally (you know, naturally if you don’t count all of the extra FSH shots and hcg trigger I had pumped my body full of).

I’m having weird dreams too.  Last night, I dreamed that Dr. B’s office didn’t tell us that we actually had 5 mature follicles.  I’m obviously subconsciously terrified of high order multiples.  Although, I don’t blame myself for it.  Twins?  Awesome.  Triplets?  Do-able, maybe.  Quads or more?  No, thank you..  One or two would be just right. 🙂
I also had dinner with President Obama.  He asked for my advice on something super top secret and important.  😉  But that could have been because we stayed up ridiculously late waiting for his speech last night. 😉

Skill has been keeping me excellent company for the past week.  After we lost the baby, Jeremy lifted his “no dogs in the bed” rule.  The new rule is that Skill has to be invited onto our bed, he isn’t allowed to sleep in our bed at night, and he has to get down if one of us is feeling crowded.  It’s been so nice to have company while I’ve been feeling so bad.  The cats are great, but they usually do their own thing for most of the day.  Skill is always with me and is always totally down with all of the lounging.

Today is 9 days past IUI #2.  In less than a week, we’ll know if it worked.  I’m ready for this cycle from hell to be over one way or another.

Support Groups = Awesome

Tonight was a wonderful night.

I started seeing a therapist a couple of months ago when I thought I just wasn’t handling things as well as I should be.  I wasn’t sure what I was hoping for, but I was hoping for something.  The woman I was seeing didn’t really have any background in infertility.  At first I thought it would be ok, but the longer I was seeing her, the less I felt she was helping.  I felt like she was more validating my feelings rather than helping me through some obvious problems.  I was really on the fence about going back to see her.

Tonight I went to my first Resolve Infertility Support Group.  If you’ve never checked out the Resolve website, you need to. Now.  Resolve is the National Infertility Association.  It’s full of great information on everything infertility.  They also have a section on finding support groups in your area.  Being only 24, I don’t really know anyone in real life who has going through any kind of infertility.  Our families are chock full of fertile myrtles…  And while I completely appreciate reading other blogs, I was really craving physical interaction with women like me.  I was tired of feeling so isolated and alone.

Honestly?  Going to that support group was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself.  There were 9 of us total.  And it was wonderful.  I know no one ever wants to find themselves in that situation and I’d rather I never had to set foot in that library meeting room, but I can’t even begin to describe how much better I feel about myself.  I don’t feel so incredibly alone anymore.  Spending two hours talking about things that I’ve never said out loud or that I’ve never had anyone in my life really understand was the best kind of therapy.  While blogging and reading blogs is nice, actually having a conversation with someone who completely understands all of the terms and medications and tests and feelings was unbelievably helpful.  One of the ladies was even using the same RE as I am (and she LOVES him too).  My story wasn’t the worst one and it wasn’t the easiest one.  There were women working on their 4th rounds of IVF,  women who havve barely seen a doctor and everything in between.  For the first time in the past year, I didn’t feel excluded or on the outside.  I didn’t feel uncomfortable around other women. I didn’t feel like I had to hide anything or explain myself.  It was wonderful.

I feel empowered as we continue on.  I feel more peaceful about the way this past cycle ended.  I’m looking forward to seeing Dr. B next Monday and getting a diagnoses.  I’m also very sure now that I’m not going to see my therapist again.  I might look for someone more specialized in infertility in the future, or I’ll just keep going to this support group and see how it goes.  I feel great for the first time in a long time.  It was the ultimate reminder that it’s not just me; I’m not the only one who is struggling through this.  And it couldn’t have come at a better time.  Yesterday was really low.  Tonight I feel like I’ve done a complete 180.

We might never have a baby.  But it’s not just us.  And it’s ok.

Nursery, check.

I have a confession.  Over the past 2 weeks, I’ve almost completely furnished our future nursery.  Seriously.  Baby?  Not so much.  Baby furniture?  Check.

In my defense, I haven’t gone out looking for a single one of these items.  I also haven’t paid a dime for any of them.

My best friend, Jessica, was getting rid of one of her boys’ cribs.  She was actually selling it for $10.  It’s nice and white and plain, exactly what I had envisioned for our future nursery.  Jeremy and I thought $10 was worth the chance we might never use it.  I called her up and asked her about it and she told me we could just have it.  Because she’s awesome like that. 🙂  We still need a mattress, but that’s nothing.  Crib, check.

My mother- and father-in-law are giving us Jeremy’s old dresser from when he was a baby for our new house.  It’s nice and sturdy and just needs a couple coats of paint.  It’s tall too, so it’s perfect for a changing pad to sit on top.  Dresser, check.

My dad’s ex-wife just texted and asked if we needed a dinning room table, a glider and ottoman, and a couple twin sized beds for the new house.  I jumped on the glider.  It was the one she used when my brothers were babies.  It needs some paint and the cushions need to be recovered, but I’m crafty like that and there are tutorials everywhere.  I’m in love with this one.  Glider, check.

I didn’t originally plan on our nursery being second hand furniture, but the more I think about it, the more I like the idea.  We’re saving a TON of money and being green at the same time.  The crib and glider will probably be sitting in our garage until we need them; there’s no way I can handle seeing them set up in the extra bedroom collecting dust.

Which brings me to the topic of the extra bedroom.  We have 3 bedrooms in our new house.  One will be our bedroom, the smallest will be my office, and the third is supposed to be for the baby.  We don’t want to make it a nursery yet.  That’s a sure way to send me packing to crazy town, but the thought of it sitting empty makes me so sad.  We were debating whether spending the money to furnish it as a guest bedroom was worth it though.  We’ve decided to paint the walls gray (the color I want the nursery to be) and furnish it as a guest bedroom using other inherited furniture.  We’re going to take the 2 twin beds from my dad’s ex-wife and make them into a king sized bed.  We’re also going to paint and use the dresser from Jeremy’s parents.  Some drapes on the windows and maybe a piece of artwork on the walls and it should be good to go.  I’m making a bright quilt for the bed to add some color to the room.
The quilt will be gender neutral too, so it can stay in the room once it’s not a guest bedroom anymore.  We’ve decided this is a good compromise on the use of space.  We don’t need to buy anything but sheets and some paint.  The room will still be used and it hopefully won’t make me want to cry whenever I walk past.

Blah… Why does life have to be so complicated.  I suppose if it wasn’t this it would be something else.  I’ll tell you what though,  I don’t know if I’ll ever take happy, simple moments for granted ever again.

Tomorrow is more blood work, another ultrasound, and sperm check.  I’m nervous, but I don’t have the bad feeling I had before last week’s tests.  Maybe the results won’t be so bad.  Or maybe they will.  They might crush our dream.  They might give us hope.  Or they might leave us feeling more confused than ever.  But tomorrow is going to come.

I’ve packed my day full tomorrow, just in case.

16: The Facts of Life

1. I am 24 years old.

2.  I am not overweight.  I am not underweight.

3.  I don’t drink caffeine or alcohol.

4.  I eat generally healthy foods.

5.  I got married and I finished college.

6.  I love my husband very much.

7.  I take a prenatal vitamin every night.

8. I go to fertility acupuncture once a week.

9.  I have unexplained infertility.

10.  I feel like a failure.

11.  We’re getting ready to start our second round of clomid.

12.  I will be 25 before we have a baby.  I said the same thing last year about being 24.

13.  I have no idea what we’re doing wrong.

Ps.  Happy National Infertility Awareness Week.  Or something.

Nerves

I know the  WordPress blackout is going on, but I wanted to post anyway.  If you’re unclear as to why the blackout is going on, check out the video on this page.  I don’t feel I have an opinion on this either way.  I see why each side believes what they believe, however I am not ok with music/video pirating or government/corporate censorship.  I’m interested to see how it plays out.

Anywho.  I’m seeing my doctor in the morning.  I’m nervous.  I’m nervous that like Jeremy’s doctor, she won’t really tell us anything.  I’m worried we’ll be back to waiting.  We’ve done so much waiting already. I’m nervous about what she will tell us, about what she won’t be able to tell us.  I’m just a bundle of nerves.
I didn’t ovulate this month.  Just one more thing to add to the list. =/

Thank Goodness for the Bloggers

I’m not going to lie, things have been pretty rough lately.  I’m a lot angrier than I thought I would be and  than I think I should be.  I’m angry that our bodies aren’t working like they should be, that we’re having to think the word “infertility” at 23, that things aren’t as easy as they should be.  And sad.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt so sad before.  It’s a weird feeling.  No guilt or worry is attached to it.  I’m just really really sad.  I keep telling myself (out loud, usually 😉 ) that I need to snap out of it and start moving forward, but I think this is just one of those times that I really do need to let my emotions play out.

We’ve been reading up on IVF and IUI’s and while that’s all fine and dandy, I’m so sad we can’t do this naturally.  I’ve done so much research on natural pregnancy and childbirth and have been so excited about being able to do this for our child.  But now, I can’t even manage to conceive naturally.  Jeremy keeps telling me I need to stop beating myself up.  I know he’s right, but I really hate to be told “no.”  And I feel like I’ve just gotten a big, fat “no” to having a baby.

And the crying?!?!  I’ve cried so much lately (usually at nothing worth crying over) that I’m pretty sure if I ever do get pregnant I won’t be able to top this. 😉
I’ve been connecting with other bloggers lately and have been feeling really at peace with the fact that I’m not alone in this.  Any of it.  The sadness and the anger.  AND THE GOD AWFUL, NEVER ENDING, DROP OF A HAT CRYING!  For serious, it’s getting ridiculous…
I’m really thankful for those ladies around the world who are willing to share their experiences with me.  We don’t know anyone who has navigated this craziness before, so it’s really great to connect and feel like there are so many other women and men going through the same feelings and ideas that we are.

Happy news?  We moved into our new bedroom last week and we love it.  It’s not finished yet, but it’s so cozy and nice that we really don’t mind.  I’ll write a more detailed post once it’s totally finished, but here’s a quick shot:

The cats are loving our fluffy new duvet. =)

My Love Will Be There Still

This whole year we’ve been trying to have a baby, I’ve been beating myself up and assuming it was my fault.  I’ve felt so defective and so useless as a woman.  I blamed my cycles, my stress, my poor immune system, and a medication I took when I was 18.  There were times of desperation, of hopelessness, of guilt, of despair, of depression, of worry, of disappointment, and everything in between.

We didn’t know that our whole baby making world was going to get tipped on it’s side and then rolled around a bit when my last cycle ended.

The week of Thanksgiving, Jeremy went to the infertility clinic to get a quick test done.   Our year of trying to get pregnant will be up after this next cycle, and we wanted to rule out any problems with him before we started scheduling doctor’s appointments.
His results came back this past Monday and knocked us both over in shock.  It’s not me.  It’s him.  Our likelihood of conceiving naturally over the course of 2 years is only 1%.

96% are all the way to the right.

When we found out, my heart broke a little bit.  Not because our baby making journey just got that much more challenging, but because I had a good idea as to how he must have been feeling.  He held up like a trooper though.  He’s been the strong one all along, and he seemed to get that much stronger when he found out.
After being in shock for 5 minutes, we got to work doing research and emailing our doctors.  He’ll go see a urologist in January and I’ll go see my doctor the following week.  He’s started taking multivitamins and a host of other supplements.  We could still get pregnant naturally with his number of normal sperm, but his number of straight swimming, mobile sperm is only 2%.  That is the major problem at this point.  We’re going to start going to the gym and eating better as well.  Each of these things has been proven to improve male fertility.

While this news was hard to hear, it could have been something so much worse.  No one is dying, no one is sick.   We’ve come to terms with never having a baby.  We’re still going to try our hardest to figure things out and to have a child of our own, but we’re determined to be happy and thankful for each other.

In other news, we put our Christmas tree up last night.  I’ll be 24 in a few weeks.  Yikes!

10: Distractions

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6I6Tj5pLJy0

Today starts 10 months on our journey to a baby.  Weepy, yes.  Completely depressed, not this month.

I wasn’t expecting anything this time, which seemed to really help.  I’ve been trying to focus on other things.  I’ve been doing a lot of reading, including books, articles, and blogs.  I’ve also been pretty busy with our store.  Halloween seems to be our warm up to Christmas season.  I love Christmas season.  It’s the best time of the year.  I love the smell.  I love the clothing.  I love the decorations.  I love making presents for everyone.  I love how happy everyone is.
Much to Jeremy’s dismay, I start celebrating Christmas season on November 1 and it goes through January 1. 🙂   It’s going to be my wonderful distraction over the next couple months.  These next couple months will round off our year of trying and officially put us in the questionable fertility category.  But, Christmas should soften the blow and it should help remind me to be thankful and joyful.

In other news, my last ESL class of the year met yesterday.  We had a mini party with cake and soda.  We’ll meet again in January, but I’ll miss Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years with these awesome ladies.   I got a little weepy when the ones we’ve grown closest too hugged us and kissed us good-bye.  They’re such a wonderful group of women and I’m so lucky to have gotten the chance to work with them and get to know them.  I think I’ve learned just as much from them about life and teaching as they’ve learned in English skills. 🙂

Meanwhile, we’re carving pumpkins at my mom’s house tonight.  I don’t love Halloween, but I do love our family tradition of getting together to do things like this.  🙂  Also, I’m drinking a few large glasses of wine… because I can. 😉

October 2: 7 Years

Although this weekend started out pretty rough, it seemed to end on a better note.  There were a lot of tears this time.  I wonder if it’s going to keep getting harder.  I had assumed it would get easier, and it was for a while.  I think the worst part is that there isn’t anything that can be done right now.  No one can make this easier, no one can make this hurt less.  I’m developing this deep anger at body that, for once, doesn’t stem from a physical trait.  I feel incompetent, useless, broken.  I feel like there’s something wrong with me.  Like anything else that isn’t performing the way it should, the way it was made to, things feel very wrong.

I’ve wondered a lot lately about never having kids.  A lot of people don’t.  We originally weren’t having any.  We’ve been talking about greyhounds.  And an iguana.  But then what?  I suppose we have endless possibilities.  Fostering, adopting, dying all alone… to name a few.  No positive enough?  Too bad.

We saw a couple movies this weekend.   Abduction with Taylor Lautner (No, there are no werewolves.  Dissapointed?  Me too. 😉 ) and 50/50 with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Seth Rogan.  50/50 is the big winner.  Jeremy and I both agreed that it was a GOOD movie.  We don’t often agree on things like that.  I laughed, I cried (real shocker, right?), and then I laughed some more.

I did some sewing.  I slept a lot.  Laundry.  I cuddled with Bella.  And Alice.  I know, crazy weekend.

I suppose on one happy note, Jeremy and I started dating 7 years ago today.  Here’s a picture from a few days later.  It was our Junior Homecoming, we were 16-years-old:

Aww, look how clueless we were... 😉

We really liked each other.  Cute and smart?  –>Winning.  We fought a lot.  We went through a lot.  But 7 years later, he’s still my very best friend, the best husband I could ever hope for, and the best man that I know.  Despite everything we’re dealing with right now, I’m still a very lucky girl.

Things That Go Bump…

I was just reminded why I usually do everything within my power to stay away from the horror genre:  my nightmares are more terrifying than anything I could ever watch or read.  Also, my imagination doesn’t need to ammunition.

There was a point in my life that nightmares would come constantly.  Then, suddenly, they stopped.  I had the occasional one here and there if what I had been doing before I went to bed was a little too exciting for my brain to process, but they never meant anything.  Slowly, but surely, they’ve been coming back.  They’re more than just random.  I have to believe, even if it’s to some small extent, that they mean something; that they’re purpose is to tell me something.
How do I know?  I wake up terrified, with my eyes on the ceiling, covered in perspiration.   It’s rare that I’m able to move, so I strain to make sure my husband is asleep next to me: I hear him snoring, feel him move, or, rarely, hear him mumbling something in his sleep because I’ve been thrashing.  The room is pitch black and as my fear begins to ebb, it’s often replaced with a sense of knowing, a feeling or piece of knowledge that something in my life needs to change; that I need to change.  It’s a feeling or knowledge so secure and so matter-of-fact that it sticks with me.  The fear rarely hangs on, but if there was some kind of message attached to it then it always hangs on.

A little heavy for my return from winter break?  Sorry.  3 am seemed like the perfect time to blog with the perfect topic 20 minutes ago… 😉  Suffice to say, my break has been a busy one, but a good one.  I had a birthday, we celebrated Christmas with our family, I saw Christine off to South Korea for a year, the new year was rung in, our plans to move in the next 7 weeks have been confirmed, and I’ve been waging war with Professor Lukasik regarding my creative writing grade (who didn’t see that one coming? 😉 ).  School begins on Monday and I’ll have much to write about then.

Off to do some demolition in 5 hours.  I think I need the distraction….