4.5 Weeks to Go!

I know I’ve been noticeable absent over the past 5 weeks.  I’ve been just living and being.  While I definitely don’t feel 100%, I don’t feel as bad as I was expecting to at this stage in my lupron therapy.  I had my second injection 3.5 weeks ago, which means my 3rd and final injection is on Monday afternoon.  The hot flashes, headaches, general lack of energy, and epic lack of focus have been my main complaints.  I don’t find myself being too much more moody than normal, and if I am, it’s usually because I’m not feeling well.

I still feel astronomically better than I felt when I was taking clomid last summer and a fair amount better than I did before my lap in April.  And I think that is absolutely ridiculous.  I’m looking forward to getting the lupron out of my system and just being healthy for a while.

What have I been up to lately?  We’ve had lots of house guests who have kept me nice and busy.  Jeremy’s aunt and cousin came for a few days at the end of May and his brother and his brother’s girlfriend were here visiting over this past weekend.  Getting ready for and spending time with everyone has been a huge help in making these past 8 weeks fly by.

We also put up our fence!  We had a little bit of help from one of our neighbors and Jeremy’s dad, but we put the whole thing up mostly on our own.  It’s not perfect, but it has made for some very happy hounds. We still need to trim the posts down.  It looks a little ridiculous right now.  It’s been so nice to have them out with me while I garden.

Speaking of gardening, I’ve put so many new flowers into my garden and a lot of the older ones are blooming.  It’s just beautiful!

I’ve been waging war against both the bunnies and the slugs, and for the moment I think I might actually be winning.  Lots of plants have been eaten right down to the ground, but I’m crossing my fingers they come back now.  My wildflower patch has just started blooming, so I’m expecting some beautiful pictures in the coming weeks.

I started teaching last week and it has already proved to be an experience.  It’s only 3 hours of actual teaching per day, but that on top of the lesson planning and grading AND the theory of writing class I’m taking AND the lupron has me feeling pretty run down at the end of the week day.  But, I love my students.  I’m especially fond of the 9th graders.  I hear most teachers hate teaching the younger high school students, but I just love them. They leave me with a smile on my face almost every day. 🙂

I have few other projects to share as well as an update on how our due date day went, but I’ll leave that for another post. I’ve got papers to grade! YIKES!

I’m getting antsy for these next 4 weeks to be over!!

12 Weeks To Go

Not a whole ton going on here currently.  I received my first Lupron injection this past Monday, which means I will be done with it in less than 12 weeks.  It still seems crazy long, but I’m trying to keep nice and busy.

This week, I’ve been working in the garden a lot.  The landscaping was seriously lacking when we moved in last fall, so I’ve been focusing on that and am not planning on having a lovely vegetable garden like I usually do.  BUT, our patio is starting to look pretty beautiful and I’m looking forward to spending lots of time out there this summer.

I also finished finals on Monday.  I got my grades yesterday.  All A’s!!  My first two semesters of graduate school have been the most difficult semesters I’ve ever had.  I began injectable medications and had 3 IUI’s.  I had a miscarriage.  I had a laparoscopy.  I was diagnosed with endometriosis.  But despite all of this, I managed to get all A’s both semesters.  Despite all of this, I still have a 4.0 gpa.  Bragging?  Maybe a little bit.  But I feel so incredibly proud of myself. 🙂

I’m gearing up to start some hardcore twin knitting as well.  A good friend who got pregnant with twins via IVF just found out she’s having 2 girls!  I’m super excited for her and can’t decide what to knit first!  I am loving all of the yarn I picked up today.

Some sad news?  The momma robin from this post hasn’t been to her nest in a week. =(  Two more momma robins are sitting on their nests in our yard, but I’m more than a little sad that this first set is gone.

25: Goodbye Pain

We’ve been with the chiropractor for about a month now and I think I can truly say that it’s working.  No, we’re not pregnant (we didn’t even try this past cycle), but I feel a huge difference in my body…

I used to go to bed at night with my lower back and hips just aching.  It would take me a while to fall asleep every night because of it.  Nothing really relieved it.  A couple weeks ago, I noticed that I was getting into bed at night and falling right asleep.  I didn’t have any more pain in my hips or my lower back.  I’m not sure when it happened, it might have been gradual, but I definitely notice it now.  It’s great. 🙂

I felt myself ovulate this month.  On my own.  On day 14.  On my own.  I felt it.  On day 14.  On my own.  Did I mention it was on DAY 14?  Not day 19 or 17 or 21.  14.  Plus I had a host of other fertile signs that I’ve only ever read about.  Winning.

Finalllllyyy, my period started today.  Making my cycle last exactly 28 days.  What the what?!  Maybe this is all coincidental, but I’m feeling confident that Dr G and Dr G are really helping me.  Plus the plethora of vitamins they have me on has my skin SO clear.  More clear than it’s been on any medication.  We’re feeling good.  We’re feeling hopeful.

Until someone else announces their pregnancy that they just sort of thought about having…  Or didn’t think about.. I hate people.

They’ve officially told us not to try, but to not prevent anything either.  25 months and counting.

In other news, grad classes start in 2 weeks, my ESL class starts back up (hopefully) in 2 weeks, and tutoring starts in a week and a half.  I’m so ready for things to get going again.

I plopped my application to start substitute teaching in the mail on Wednesday.  Super exciting, right? 😉  My spring is shaping up to be nice and busy.

I’m also desperate to start gardening again… And since it’s supposed to be in the 40’s next week, I’m wondering how long we’ll have to wait. 🙂

Winter Break and Chiro Updates

Welll, finals are over and winter break is finally here.  I’m more than ready for this chance to relax and work on some projects around the house that have been put off since we moved in.  Our goal over winter break is to get the pantry/laundry room put together.

I LOVE my laundry room.  It’s right off the kitchen and makes doing laundry so crazy convenient.  BUT, the room itself is poorly utilized.  There’s a built in desk, a shelf above the washer/dryer, and a couple cabinets sitting on the floor.  There’s a TON of wall space just begging for shelving.  While we don’t necessarily need the extra space, it’s silly to not use it.  Hopefully we’ll need it eventually.  We’re also going to put a door up.  Right now, you can see right into it from the dinning room.  The water softener is not the most attractive appliance we own.

I’m hoping to start working on that as soon as we get home from Christmas — we’re going to my mom and step dad’s cabin on the 24th and staying until the 26th or 27th.  I was originally apprehensive about going away for Christmas, but the idea is growing on me.  I haven’t woken up on Christmas morning with both of my sisters in 8 or 9 years, so it will be special.  That was one of the things I missed most after I got married, but I wanted Jeremy and I to do our own thing Christmas mornings, to start our own traditions.  Throw in the fact that my birthday is on Christmas and things get all kinds of complicated. 😉

Which brings me to… 25.  A week from tomorrow and I’ll be turning 25. It’s my golden birthday.  I’m feeling better about my birthday this year than I did last year.  I’m assuming it’s because life is more on track and has the potential to be so much more.  I still have no desire to celebrate.  I used to love my birthday and planning birthday events, but it seems like a waste of time now.  It’s a reminder that someone is missing.  Maybe I’ll change my mind next week and plan a belated birthday party, but maybe not.  Last Christmas was excruciating.  I’m crossing my fingers that this year will be better.

Some new news on the chiropractic front.  I met with Dr. G’s wife — Dr. G 😉 — and I think she’s becoming my primary chiropractor.  Which is fine with me.  She’s super sweet and is obviously a wealth of knowledge.  She’s got me on a crazy overload of vitamins because she thinks I’m horribly deficient in almost everything.  I’ve been taking a prenatal vitamin for more than 2 years now, but she’s doubled that on top of everything else she prescribed.  She thinks she can help me sleep better at night, help with my digestive problems, lower my stress levels, heal my pelvis, and help me get pregnant.   I’m hopeful.  I’m willing to give it time to work.  They checked Jeremy out over the weekend, assuming he would have some kind of contributing factor to all of this.  No.  They actually said he’s perfect.  It’s just me.  Of course.  But they think they can fix it, not just treat it, so that’s really all that matters.

Our real concern now? birth control… fml.

Chiropractic Infertility Treatment

I LOVE this graphic.  I found it on pinterest and can’t find the source.  But I just thought it was so perfect.

  Still waiting on my period to start.  I’ve had a little spotting off and on, but nothing more yet.  Of course.  If it starts today, or even tomorrow, we still have a shot at an IUI this month.  BUT, I finally made another appointment with Dr. B.  We haven’t seen him since the end of our monitoring cycle in August and I just really need to know where we’re at and what he thinks.

I want to pick his brain about a diagnosis.  Will he want to do a lap?  I’m just not content with his wait and see/ conservative approach and I want to know why my cycles continue to be so wonky despite the huge amounts of extra hormones we’re pumping into my body.  So we go see him again two weeks from yesterday.

I also made an appointment with a local chiropractor to get my uterus, my hips, and my lower back checked.  My cousin and her husband are chiropractors and really advocate using adjustments to keep the whole body healthy.  I chatted with her last night about it and she said there are a lot of connections between your hips, lower back, and uterus.  I wish I could go see them, but they live in Grand Rapids. 😦 I’m going to see this guy on Saturday morning.  I’ve always had a lot of hip and lower back pain, so maybe there’s something to this.   Any tips or personal experiences about chiropractic infertility treatments?

In other news, I’m pushing through final projects.  One week from tonight and I’ll be done for the semester!  I’m drinking too much coffee and not getting nearly enough sleep.  And I’m definitely not eating well.  Prenatal vitamins?  Oopsies…  Thank goodness we took this cycle off.

On Tuesday, Snow White had her first vet appointment.  It went well.  Afterwards, we met my sister and her goldendoodle, Mr. Smith, at the dog park so the cousins could play together.  Snow White never stops running. 😉

It’s finally cooling down here (again).  The greyhounds are back in their jackets when we go outside.  And they’ve both fallen in love with our wood burning fireplace. 😉

 

 

COME ONNNN, WINTER BREAK!!

I was listening to the radio this morning while I was running errands and they were talking about the best places in the world to be pregnant and have a baby in terms of comfort, safety, and cost.  Not surprisingly, the US didn’t even make the top ten.  At the top of the list was Switzerland followed by Australia.  Bébé Suisse and Laughing Promises, I’m coming to live with you when we get pregnant. 😉

Nothing new here.  I’m taking advantage of feeling good this cycle by getting things done around the house and finishing all of my final projects (aka consuming lots of caffeine).  I’d forgotten how good it is to feel normal.  Not injecting myself or popping pills all month has been glorious.

I’m waiting anxiously for my period to start now.  If it starts before Friday, we should be able to go ahead with our 3rd IUI in December.  If it starts anywhere from December 8 through December 12, we will probably have to wait until January.  As much as I’ve enjoyed this month off, I would like to get this show on the road.  Especially because I’ll be on winter break for December’s IUI and won’t have to worry about getting things done.  I can be free to obsess about my angry uterus.

I am 1  2 minute movie creation about community and school politics, 1 power point on the same topic, 6 final lesson plans, 1 two page paper about school observations, 1 essay annotation, 4 tutoring hours, and 1 final exam away from winter break.  I am so ready for this.

We took advantage of Chicago’s 60 degree weather yesterday and put our Christmas lights on the house.  It looks so pretty. =)

Also, I finished Skill Set’s Christmas jacket.  Although, since it’s supposed to get to 70 degrees today, I’m not sure he’s going to get to wear it this year..

Release the Hounds!

Life feels full right now.  It isn’t dragging.  It’s full enough that I’m able to ignore the ache in my heart that something is missing.  Is that good?

We did the right thing adopting Snow White.  She’s more stubborn than Skill Set (which I didn’t think was possible).  She’s more strong willed.  She’s more affectionate.  She’s more of a puppy.  They work so well together.  They compliment each other nicely.  He has become her older brother.  He’s her protector, her playmate, her teacher.

If we never have kids, I think I could feel some form of contentment with my four-legged family.

I’ve been thinking more lately as well that becoming a teacher mean being responsible for hundreds of kids on any given day.  Kids who are smart and mouthy, shy and nervous, broken and unloved.  Teaching allows me to be involved in the lives of children, even if they’re not my own.  It allows me to make a positive difference in the world, even if it’s indirect.  Teaching makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something, even if I can’t ever be a mom.

This is why I’ve chosen this profession.  This is also why I love it more and more everyday.  I still ache for our children, but my life is finally moving forward.

Time Limits

Nothing new and exciting so far, which I think is a good thing.  Started prometrium on Monday and taking it at night is really helping with the symptoms.

We got a ton of yard work done over the weekend and visited a new church for the second time.  I finished Skill’s winter coat and hat..
And we took him to the dog park on Saturday when the weather was nice and warm…

School is getting crazy busy.  I’m so glad I only opted for 2 course this semester.  With moving and fertility stuff, I think 3 courses would have been way too much.  I am thinking about taking 3 in the spring though.  It’s all going to depend on if we get pregnant this semester or not.

I think I’m starting to consider a stopping point with infertility treatments though.  If it’s not going to happen any time soon, I want to start focusing more on finishing my masters.  I could have it done in two years (maybe even less) if I could concentrate more on it.  I don’t want to get way far into it and then have to stop if we miraculously get pregnant.  That feels like a big waste to me.  We can always pick fertility treatments up again if we want to once I’m working.  OR we can concentrate on paying off our student loans and then look at adoption.  OR we can get a few more greyhounds and call it even. 😉

I’m getting more and more frustrated lately when it comes to the things I can’t do.  Or things I’m afraid to do.  It’s been almost 2 years and it’s getting old.  Does that sound selfish?  I just don’t think I can be someone who puts 10+ years of my life into fertility medications and procedures and doctors.  Maybe once school is finished, it will be easier to juggle.  I don’t think we’ll ever stop trying, but it seems easier to handle if there’s a stopping point for the needles and ultrasounds and medications.  I need to know that it’s not going to go on forever.

I think next summer is the time limit for now.  That’s almost 3 years of trying and 1 full year with our RE.

Maybe I sound like I’m not committed enough to this, but I want to live my life and if kids aren’t a part of it, then I want to enjoy what I do have.  I want to enjoy my husband and our pets.  I want to enjoy being a teacher.  I want to enjoy our house.  I don’t want to spend years and years of my life pining for what I don’t have.  Infertility treatments make me do that.  They make you far more invested in the outcome of each and every cycle.  The injections it took to just make a follicle, the IUI or transfer, the progesterone to sustain an embryo…  THE COST OF EVERYTHING.  How could you not spend every waking moment thinking and hoping and dreading the outcome?

I’ll be 25 in a couple months.  I was barely 23 when I started trying to have a baby.  I know that’s incredibly young, but if I can’t make a baby now, what will my chances be a 26, 27, or 28 when fertility rates first start to decline at 25?

Maybe I’m jumping the gun here, but I need to set this time limit.  We still have 8 or 9 months left with our RE, so plenty could happen.  I just need to see an ending to it for now.  Nothing says we can’t push it out for longer if we feel we need to.  Nothing says we can’t take a 6 month break and start again.  But for now, life needs to keep moving.  I need to be something other than a part time graduate student/full time lady with unexplained infertility…  I need to have some greater purpose in this life than that.

_______________________

On a completely unrelated note, I accidentally left the bird seed bag on the patio after filling the bird feeder.  I woke up to this…  Happy Wednesday! 😉

Changes

My CD 20 monitoring appointment didn’t tell us anything good.  Except that my reproductive cycles are seriously messed up– which isn’t good.

On the ultrasound, they saw an 18mm follicle on my right ovary.  They were unhappy with both the size of the follicle (they want it to be around 21mm) and the day of my cycle.  My estrogen came back at 118 (they want to see 250-300).  Around day 14, not day 20.  I definitely haven’t ovulated yet.

The nurse called me yesterday and told me that normally they want patients to continue to try to get pregnant on unmedicated cycles, but they’re recommending that we stop trying this month.  They said if we somehow happened to get pregnant, with the small size of the follicle and my low estrogen, it probably wouldn’t end well.  Bummer.

I was hoping that Thursday was the end of our monitoring cycle, but since things are still changing in my body, they want to do one more blood draw and ultrasound next Friday to see if I managed to ovulate.  The following Monday, we’ll meet with Dr. B and discuss our options.

What are our options?  With how low my estrogen is, you’d think the clomid would have worked.  Instead it just gave me some monster follicles that turned into cysts.  I’m not doing any more research.  It’s not doing me any good.  I’m waiting until we see Dr. B.  I’m hoping he will come up with a kick ass treatment plan.  Or any treatment plan.

In other news, we close on our house in less than 3 weeks.  It’s going by WAY faster than I expected it to.  Probably because we have a lot of other stuff going on.  We spent one evening this past week exploring the river walk by our new house.  Aurora, IL  is built around the Fox River.  Aurora used to be a great hub for trading back in the day because boats could get up and down the river with relative ease.  The downtown sits directly on the riverbanks with lots of bridges connecting the east and west sides of the city.  I was born and, other than while I was away at school, lived on the west side my whole life.  Growing up, our schools were on the west side and most of our friends lived on the west side.  We never had much reason to leave the west side until now.  Our new house sits on the east side of the river in North Aurora.   We can walk to the river in less than 5 minutes, and the river walk there is gorgeous.  I was never a big fan of taking walks just for the sake of walking, but I’ve changed my mind.  I’m excited to take the dog there on walks and to eventually take our kids there on their bikes for an evening ride.

In my mind, this house represents a new beginning for us.  It’s giving me hope in our future and showing me that life will continue to move forward and not stay as stagnant as it feels right now.

Grad school starts in less than 3 weeks too.  There are a lot of changes coming up and I am more than ready for them. 🙂

CD13? Maybe?

It’s kind of the same old, same old around here lately.  I think I’m around CD 13.  Maybe.  I don’t even care.  I’m doing really good about not thinking stressing out about it think month. 😉

I’ve been working out and am feeling sore, but good. =)  We’re doing ok with our dieting.  A lot more fresh foods and WAY less processed and sugary foods are being eaten.  I’m counting calories again, not so stay under a certain amount necessarily, but to really keep an eye on what I’m putting into my body.  Sweet and greasy foods are starting to sound bad.  They also make me feel noticeably worse if I do cave and eat something bad for me.  All in all, I think things are going well.  In another month or two, I think I’m going to be looking and feeling really good. 🙂

We’re still waiting on news from the house with the blue kitchen.  The seller accepted our offer right away, but the seller’s bank is taking their time.  I’m told this is normal for short sales, so I’m trying to be zen about it.  Our offer got sent to the bank’s negotiator last week.  I’m hoping that’s a good thing.   I really love that house.  I’ve decorated and redecorated 50 times.  In my head. 😉

I finalized my graduated classes for the fall.  The feeling is so bittersweet.  I always knew I would go to grad school.  You can’t do much with an English degree on its own.  I just hadn’t planned on it being so soon.  I enjoy school.  I enjoy the environment and the learning.  On some level, I think I even enjoy homework because it keeps me engaged.  This is probably another reason teaching is a good profession for me.  I’ll never have to leave.  BUT, my classes sound interesting and I’ve already purchased half of the books.  I’ll get a nice head start.

I’ve been in the garden a lot lately with the nice weather.  There are little, green tomatoes, peppers, and pickling cucumbers growing in, and the chamomile is getting ready to bloom. 🙂  I re-mulched my walking rows yesterday and am really happy with how it turned out:
I’m also seeing lots of praying mantises every day.  I was really worried about them, but they’re hanging in there.  They’re a whole week old and already catching lots of bad bugs.  I watched this guy catch a little fly yesterday:

I’m taking the rest of the week to get ready for the Aurora Green Festival.  Our store is going to beast this festival. 😉