Archive | August, 2013

32: Fail

29 Aug

This cycle failed.  My 5 follicles, 900+ estrogen, excellent progesterone levels, and severe OHSS failed.  I failed.  I had a perfect cycle and I couldn’t do it.  We couldn’t have asked for anything more from this cycle.  

I feel so guilty and so horrible.  I feel like I’m never going to be able to do this.  

A big part of me is happy we chose not to pay for IVF.  I can’t imagine how guilty I would feel when that failed as well.

My heart hurts.  Everything hurts.  

Ultrasound tomorrow to make sure my ovaries are ok after so much swelling.  Birth control for a cycle if they’re not.

IUI #4/1

16 Aug

Welllll, IUI #4/1 is done!  It actually happened on Thursday, but things have just been a little busy.  Plus, the novarel trigger really knocked me on my butt.  I’m EXHAUSTED!  Not to mention, ovulating 5 eggs is a little painful.

For the first time ever, they had to warn us that we’re high risk for multiples (they estimated my estrogen was over 1000 — easily 4 mature follicles) and that Dr. B usually recommend selective reduction if there’s more than 3 babies.  Yikes.  Crossing fingers and toes that’s not a decision we’ll ever have to make.

Other than that, it seemed to go well.  I usually cramp like crazy during and after an IUI, this one, however, was surprisingly peaceful. 🙂  I’m thanking the lupron/lap for that.

I’m going to start testing out my trigger on Sunday when I start my progesterone supplements.  

How am I feeling now?  Remember last Halloween when I was on bedrest after IUI #2? I had managed to produce just 2 follicles, but had some pretty uncomfortable Ovarian Hyperstimulation.  Take a guess as to how great that’s going now with 5 follicles.  Yep.  It’s BBAAAAACKKK…. 😦  It hurts to move and to breathe.  They told me to stay off my feet and keep them propped up over the weekend.  Also, to go to the ER if I start to have trouble breathing.  YAY! :/   It’s just a bummer because OHSS is usually something that is mostly attributed to IVF.  I’m just one of the few lucky IUI OHSS cases.

No matter what, though, this has been our absolutely best shot yet.  We’re torn between being crazy, super hopeful and very very cautious.  I’m calling this IUI #4/1 because while it is our 4th IUI, it’s our 1st post endometriosis IUI.  

I’m 25 years old.  My body is clean of endometriosis.  I just produced 5 follicles and at least 4 of them were mature.  I have a ridiculously good chance of becoming pregnant with not 1, but multiple babies.  I think I have a right to be excited.  I’m working on it.

Off to drink my gatorade and keep these feetsies propped.  My pile of pillows is seriously 2 feet high…. 😉

** As a side note to anyone who reads this blog via facebook — Sometime next week I will stop posting blog posts to facebook in case this cycle works.  So, I would suggest that you hit “subscribe” and have these exciting posts delivered straight to your inbox.  🙂


12 Aug

Today, I went in for another monitoring appointment.  I was feeling so full, uncomfortable, and exhausted; I half expected to be told to trigger and come in tomorrow morning for IUI #4.

Not so much.  These follicles are going to keep cooking for a couple more days.  
The reasoning for that full, fuzzy feeling: 5 follicles.  I had a mild panic attack while I was laying on the ultrasound table without my pants on.  The ultrasound tech tried to assure me that she thought at least one of them wouldn’t make it.  Still… 4 follicles.  Yikes.  

Today, they’re measuring at 14mm, 16mm, 16mm, 17mm, and 19mm.  And my estrogen is a whopping 706

I keep my cycle charts on the fridge.  After each monitoring appointment I list how many follicles, their sizes, my estrogen level, lining size, and any other pertinent information.  One year ago today, I started my very first injectable cycle with Dr. B.  Looking back at my chart, I frequently recorded: 1 follicle, E2: 245, 2 follicles, 1 follicle, E2: 142, 1 follicle, E2: 296….  Today’s “5 follicle, E2: 706” looks ridiculously out of place.  I’ve never had more than 2 follicles mature at once and my estrogen has NEVER been higher than 296.

I think it’s safe to say the lurpon did it’s job.  I think it’s also safe to say that the endometriosis was, without a doubt, affecting my ability to create quality follicles. 

5 follicles. Nobody say the “t” words… Or the “q” words…

I’m taking one 112.5 unit dose of gonal-f today, one 75 unit dose of gonal-f tomorrow, triggering on Wednesday, and our 4th (and hopefully final) IUI will occur Thursday morning.  My guess?  We’ll end up with 4 mature follicles.  

I’m going to go throw up now…

Summer 2013. As told by bloodwork.

9 Aug

What a crazy summer.  The lupron debacle is (hopefully) over for good.  It was really ok until the end.  Now for a very long story time, yes?

The hotflashes, fatigue, and headaches were consistent starting at the second injection and only got worse as time went on.  Two days after my third injection, we met with Dr. B to discuss the plan.  I assumed 4 weeks from them we would be ready to start trying again.

We went into that meeting with him happy and hopeful, but came out of it confused and disheartened.  More than once during that meeting, Dr. B asked us if we could afford In Vitro or if we could get our insurance to cover it.  We were confused because he had always told us that IVF wasn’t necessary for us, that I would be fine once the endometriosis was cleared up with the lupron.  He claimed that our best bet would be IVF.  While that’s probably true, IVF isn’t on the table.  It is not an option for a number of reasons, mainly because if we’re going to pay for it out of pocket, we’d rather pay for an adoption.  They’re similar enough in price, but at least with adoption you’ve got more of a guaranteed that you’ll actually get baby.  No IVF.

That being covered, he also told us that it could take 6-8 weeks for my period to come back.  WHAT?!  And no, he wasn’t comfortable starting it again with medication.  Ugh.

Next? The heart, the thyroid and the clotting.  He wasn’t quite sure how actually sustaining a baby once I actually managed to get pregnant would go.  He suggested we meet with an oncological hematologist to be sure.  Yikes.

Then we left.  And I went and drank a large amount of rum while I tried not to have a complete melt down.  It helped.

A week later, we met with Dr. P, a oncological hematologist.  LOVED HIM!  He explained that my thyroid is fine.  Right now.  But, it might not be strong enough to sustain me AND a baby.  Clotting?  Also fine. Right now.  But it might prove to be a problem when a baby pops into the equation.  HOWEVER, he assured us that while neither of these things are curable, they are treatable.   He said with all the information that he had in front of him, he would encourage us to keep trying and to just keep in mind that it would be wise to monitor my blood and thyroid frequently throughout any subsequent pregnancy.  Whoosh.

The heart is another problem.  I seem to have every dna marker that could come with a genetic predisposition to heart disease.  I have sets from both parents which is interesting because my mom’s side of the family doesn’t seem to have the extensive heart problems my dad’s side does.  That being said, he told us I *could* potentially develop heart problems in my 40’s.  That’s just 15 years from now.  BUT, he also said, I could be perfectly healthy then as well.  It’s a guessing game.  

The heart business threw me for a loop.  He made it clear that everyone, if their bloodwork was analyzed to the extent that mine was, would come up with some kind of marker that suggested an early or painful death.  I’m just unlucky enough to have had mine done at such a young age.  I realize that.  I realize it’s not a death sentence.  I realize that I can take care of myself and be just fine.  But it also, over the course of a couple weeks, threw my life and the life I want to lead into perspective.  More on that in a bit.

One week after my last lupron injection, potentially 5 weeks before I should have had a period, I had my first post-lurpon period.  Now, I spotted and bled my way through lupron, which is unusual, but does happen.  This, however, was a full period.  The nurses at Dr. B’s were shocked and had to ask me if I was sure… Still in the lurpon rage, I snapped that I knew what a period looked like.   They told me to come into the office in 2 weeks for an ultrasound and bloodwork.  Yippie.

On July 22, I walked into the ultrasound room only to find the tiniest little follicles you ever did see.  Not enough to count.  Estrogen?  Still in the low 50’s.  “Come back in 2 weeks,” they said.  Great.

2 days later, I had my second post-lupron period.  I called in again.  They said they had no idea what was going on.  Dr. B said this never happens.  He thought my body was trying to fight the lurpon, but didn’t have enough estrogen to get anything done.  Come in for an ultrasound and bloodwork in 2 more weeks, they said. =/  

2 periods in 3 weeks, 3 months of lurpon, and general anxiety took its toll.  I had to drop my summer class.  I just couldn’t do it.  Thankfully, my school understood and allowed a very late withdraw.  I felt like a huge failure for a couple weeks.

On August 6, this past Tuesday, I went in for what promised to be another let down.  The cramping was back, as was the spotting.  Period #3 was on its way just 2 weeks after the second.  No follicles.  Nothing.  I suck.  Estrogen?  Lower than low.  At this point, we’re 5 weeks past the 3rd injection.  

And then they called.  “Your hormone levels are so flat,” they said, “that we don’t think you’ll get another period for quite some time.  Dr. B thinks it would be best to start injectable medications again.  Do you have any gonal-f?”  I only have  2250 units in my fridge.  That’s 5 boxes.  YES!

And so, as of this past Tuesday, I’m finally back in the game with 112.5 units of gonal-f injected into my menopausal tummy every evening.  Finally.  And Dr. B didn’t want to intervene.. 

Today’s ultrasound?  MANY 8mm follicles and estrogen that’s already up to 157.  I can’t tell you which cycle day this counts as since things were so wonky.  I can, however, tell you that when my estrogen is usually at 157, it usually indicates one 19mm follicle.  So the mystery at this point is… how many follicles are going to end up surviving?  My bet? 3. OMG.

We’ll find out on Monday.  Have a nice weekend.  

It’s good to be back. ❤