Replication

My day was just made.  Why?  Because I found another full pen of gonal-f in the back of my fridge, which means I don’t have to order any medication again this month.  That is excellent.  It’s the little things in life, you know?

I kept a rather low profile over the weekend because I just needed to be and get over the epic drop in artificial hormones that occurred after my cycle failed.   900+ estrogen is a long way to fall.  But it fell and while it completely blows, right now, it is what it is.  In 5 minutes, it might be the end of the world again, but right now, it’s ok.

I went for my scan on Friday expecting a birth control cycle.  My ovaries were shockingly huge a week post IUI and as I’d never had so many follicles, I just assumed it would take some extra time to bounce back.  My ultrasound tech entered the room and the first thing she asked me was if we had considered IVF any more.  I told her that we had decided against it.  For that much money out of pocket, we’d want a sure thing and adoption was probably going to be our next step.  Every time someone in that office mentions IVF, I’m reminded that we’ve gone through a lot and that we’re most definitely coming to the end of our fertility treatment road.  

At the end of our road, it forks.  One direction is IVF.  It’s tens of thousands of dollars for a chance to become biological parents.  It’s an incredibly tempting chance.  One that, if our circumstances were different, I might have taken.  In the other direction, is discontinuing treatments and accepting that we will never have biological children of our own.  That road contains two more forks.  Childlessness or adoption.  At this point, I’ve worked too hard and put too much of myself into creating a family to choose to live child-free.  Our family needs something more.  

But.  We’re not there yet.

My ovaries, miraculously, were clear.  They shouldn’t have been.  Sherry couldn’t believe they looked so perfect.  She said it should have taken weeks for them to reduce in swelling so much.  My body has managed to stump Dr. B’s office again.  Excellent.

And so, Dr. B wants to replicate last cycle as best we can.  It should have worked, so he said.  It was exactly what he wanted to see.  The only hiccup?  I didn’t have a period before we started our last cycle.  I didn’t have a fresh uterine lining.  While that shouldn’t have technically mattered, it might have.  We’re starting fresh.  I’m injecting 112.5 units of gonal-f daily starting yesterday and crossing my fingers and toes for 5 more beautiful follicles.  I go in for a scan and bloodwork on Friday.

My goal for the next week or so?  Keep busy and try not to think about failing another cycle!  Yesterday, I made and froze 21 meals for when the OHSS monster strikes again.  I want to keep eating healthy even when I don’t feel good.  Having healthy food already made will help me do that.  All I have to do is pull it out the night before and put it in the slow cooker in the morning.  It couldn’t actually get any easier.

We also replaced the floor in the nursery over the weekend.  It looks amazing.  I’ll share pictures of it soon. 

29: 3 more months

We saw Dr. B today.  We were expecting him to fill us in on what kind of IUI we’re doing next, give us some pretty pictures, and send us on our happy way.

OF COURSE, that didn’t happen.  He has decided there’s a good chance that there may be more endometriosis lurking under the surface and he only gave us a window of 1 to 2 months before it comes back.  His solution?  Lupron.  For 3 months.  He thinks that will give me a 1 to 2 year window of being relatively endometriosis free.  What is lupron?  It’s an injection that shuts your reproductive system down to allow the endometriosis to heal.  It’s a whole lot like menopause.  It’s also used to treat cancer.  

I wanted to start crying right then and there.  While it might be an effective way to treat endometriosis, I’ve heard nothing but bad things about the side effects.  All I can think of is how completely horrible I felt when I was taking Clomid last year.  This will probably be worse.

He made the case that my quality of life will improve significantly if the lupron can successfully eliminate the endometriosis symptoms I’ve been living with.  It’s pretty impossible to argue against that.  It’s true.  I always feel bad, something always hurts, and I’m always just exhausted.  But this drug scares the bejeezus out of me.  Googling it brings up nothing but horror stories.  However, I know women who have taken it and, other than some God awful symptoms, been fine afterwards.

So we told him if our insurance will cover it, we’ll do it.  What else can we do?  I trust Dr. B.  I know that he knows what he’s talking about.  I made him promise me an IUI right away after we’re done with it.  No natural cycle.  This needs to be over.  I’m going to hot flash my way through this summer… again..  fml.

And so, I will be more than halfway to 26 by the time we start trying again and close to halfway to 27 before we have a baby at this point.  Our earliest due date?  One year from now.  I would like to start drinking heavily now….

Also, the birds who live in my yard are very fertile.  A-holes…

Time Off

Surprise! Dr. Binor’s office is closed November 22 through 25 for Thanksgiving.  The probability of our IUI falling somewhere in those 4 days is so high that they told us we’d have to try on our own this month with or without gonal-f injections.  My first thought was that we were definitely going to keep trying with medication.  But after talking to Jeremy, we’ve decided to take the month off.  I don’t need OHSS symptoms in the middle of finals for nothing.  Again.

I’m so jealous of those of you with RE’s who are available every day of the year.  Want to know what’s super exciting?  Our IUI in December is likely to fall on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.  I think this might be the universe’s way of telling us to give up for now.

 

23: What is Going on?

And we’re on to IUI #3.  This cycle lasted a magical 25 days.  What is that?  I’ve only ever had one cycle shorter than this and that was July’s WTF 23 day cycle.  Interestingly enough, I’m not horribly sad about it.  But I am so incredibly angry.  The severity of my OHSS was rare.  And it was for nothing.  I’ve spent the past 2 weeks in bed and in pain for absolutely nothing.  Now, we get to do it all over again.  Our next IUI will fall on the day after Thanksgiving depending on follicle growth.  I’m waiting to hear what’s on the menu medication-wise for this cycle.  I’m not sure if I’m hoping for higher gonal-f or not.

On the positive side, most of my OHSS symptoms disappeared soon after my period started.  For now, I’m just a little bloated still.

We’re spending the morning raking our leaves and mowing the grass for the last time before all of that snow hits us tomorrow. I love snow.  And then we’re going shopping because I don’t know whose body I’m living in, but it’s not the one I’m used to.

Mucus Overrated.

Remember that time a few months ago when I thought we’d figured things out?  Remember when that turned out to be all wrong? Remember when we thought we’d figured it out again?  And then that turned out to be wrong? Again.  No?  Well, it did.

Today’s monitoring appointment was bad.  All around.  My estrogen at day 13? 53.  Everything I’ve read said it should be at least 100.  And follicles?  A couple on my right ovary, but they’re all too underdeveloped.  And my post coital test?  1 sperm.  1 single, non-swimming sperm.  Why?  They’re leaning towards thick cervical mucus, but they’re repeating a semen analysis just to be sure.  Luck us.  They’re not bothering with another blood draw/ultrasound before I “ovulate.”  They don’t think it would be beneficial.  Jeremy and I are both going back next Thursday.  They’ll be checking follicles, progesterone, and sperm count.  Fun, right?

I had a bad feeling last night.  For some reason, I was dreading going to the office today.  Granted, the post coital test was freaking me out, but it was more than that.  The dread was still there when I woke up this morning and it  persisted all through the appointment.  After that, it just put me in a bad/gloomy mood (more so than usual).  But, because of the gloominess that was there when they called with these test results, it didn’t feel as bad as I thought it was going to.  It sucks.  I really really really sucks, but I’m not curled up in the fetal position in the shower bawling.  I’m saving that for after next week’s appointment. 😉

If you’ve never had a post coital test, it’s a lot like a pap smear.  A really awkward pap smear…  They ask you when you had intercourse the night before and then get to it.  I had some cramping afterwards.  It wasn’t awful and the nurses are totally used to it.

I don’t really know what to think about this.  It’s silly to draw conclusions until we have the whole month’s worth of data, but it’s hard to not see the very worst in this situation.  In my head, we’re going to be jumping straight to an IUI, but in reality tweaking my estrogen levels might fix everything.  It’s impossible to know for sure until after next week’s test.

We could be receiving some heartbreaking information a week from now.  Or we could be filled with a renewed hope.  I can’t focus on it though.  I can’t keep thinking about it like I am because it’s not doing any good.  I’m so thankful we have our house to think about now.  We’re still looking at August 30 for closing.  That’s just 28 days from now.  4 weeks.

We spent some time at Home Depot this evening picking out the hardwood floors we want to put it the living room, dining room, hallway, and bedrooms, and the white subway tile we’re putting in the kitchen and bathroom.  I’ve got almost all of my books packed up.  22 boxes of books are chilling in my living room right now.  We’ve picked out paint colors.  I just have to keep moving towards that goal.  Keep packing.  Keep thinking about decorating.  It makes me happy and I need all the happy I can get.

17: Just Kidding.

I was obviously a resident of Crazy Town earlier.  My period started and it’s really Cycle Day 1.

No clomid this month in hopes that my cysts will clear up on their own.

I’m going to start a 10 day juice fast.

I’m also going to drink some wine tonight.  Because I can.

Obligatory Infertile Mother’s Day Post.

I’m in a lot of pain today.  From my bellybutton down, it hurts.  My doctor pretty much told me to take a tylenol and suck it up.  And she wonders why I feel like she doesn’t take me seriously… 😉  I didn’t have pain like this last month, but if she tells me not to worry about it, I’m not going to.  I’m just going to lay on the couch and whine that I’m dying. 😛

Clomid, I’m going to punch you in the face.  With my fist.  Hard.

I was at Target with my sister this afternoon.  They put baby swimsuits right by the books.  They were really cute.  =/

I’m in a funk.  And I’m pretty sure it’s stemming from Mother’s Day.  Last year was irritating.  This year it feels unbearable.  I haven’t looked at cards.  I’ve only briefly thought about flowers.  If I can get away with hiding in bed all day on Sunday, I’ll count it as a day well spent.

Honestly?  I’m angry about Mother’s Day.  I’m angry that we can’t celebrate the way we should be celebrating.  I’m angry that I’m in so much pain right now.  I have zero faith in my reproductive system this month.  Probably because we got our hopes up so much last month.  I’m angry that I’m putting my body through this, but know I would be kicking myself if we didn’t try our hardest.  I went to freaking Texas so we could give it our best shot for goodness sake.  I’m angry that I don’t want to celebrate Mother’s Day because I have the best mother and mother-in-law a girl could ask for.

And I’m tired.  I’m so tired of thinking about this.  I’m so tired of being angry and sad.  I’m so tired of the constant roller coaster of emotions.  I’m so tired of beating my body up like this.

I would really really really like a glass of wine.  Or maybe a bottle.  But I can’t.  Because I’m a responsible infertile with another  10 days to wait.  fml.

Also, I currently weigh more than I’ve ever weighed in my life.  Clomid water weight or not, this is not improving my mood.

Blood Testing

I got my blood test results Thursday.  The nurse said my progesterone levels are perfect and that I definitely ovulated.  She told me to call “when” my period starts or “if” I get to cycle day 35.  I have my doubts, lady.

I’m starting to think I hate progesterone almost as much as I hated clomid.  I feel horrible today.  It makes me wonder if my progesterone levels were bad all of my past cycles.  Maybe this is the first cycle that my progesterone is up at a normal level and my body is just not handling it very well?  I don’t know.  I’m exhausted.  I’ve been sleeping like a rock the past few nights (which is really unusual), falling asleep early, and napping briefly in the afternoon.

I’m so ready for this to be over.  Anyone who takes things further than clomid has my undying respect.  10 more days to go.  Someone please remind me that this will be worth it in the end.  Right?
In 2 weeks, Jeremy and I will be frolicking through Toronto and then Niagra Falls.  One way or another, I will definitely need that vacation.