FET #2 is Scheduled!

EEK, you guys!  They scheduled FET #2!  Apparently, UNC skips the period part and goes straight to meds.  I guess that makes sense considering they had me take 26 days of birth control instead of the normal 14 days.

My estrogen got super high last FET.  Close to 1500.  Maybe starting like this will keep it a bit lower?  We’ll see.

I go in for my baseline tomorrow and start taking Estrace 3 times a day on Sunday. 🙂

Projected FET #2 date: Friday, August 1.  Which means our first beta falls on Sunday, August 10.

I’m excited.  I got so excited as soon as I found out it was scheduled.  I was worried I’d be a weepy mess for the next 3 weeks, but I’m so ready!

Here We Go Again.

After taking the past week and a half to step back and process what happened, I think I’m in a better place.  We’re not as devastated or as shocked and we’re better able to look at the loss of our baby logically.  Don’t get me wrong, I think it will be a good long while before I stop feeling so heartbroken, but we’re moving on with life because it’s the only thing we can do.

I’ve been injecting 112.5 units of Gonal-f for the past week.  Wednesday’s CD 9 appointment revealed 2 follicles (16 mm and 10 mm) and an estrogen level of 140.  That’s almost triple what my estrogen was at this point last month on 75 units of Gonal-f.   They didn’t think the 10mm follicle would mature enough, so it was looking like another 1 follicle cycle.  But, with the higher estrogen, I wasn’t complaining.

At today’s CD 11 appointment,  they found both follicles had grown to 17 mm.  2 follicles.  Finally.  My estrogen came back at a whopping 246 (it was 247 at our CD 15 IUI last cycle).  Our IUI is scheduled first thing Monday morning with an ovidrel injection on Sunday afternoon.  Yet again, everything looks perfect.  Maybe the higher estrogen and double follicles will do the trick this time.

It feels like this one came up so quickly.  I know it’s just because so much has been going on, but I’m thankful the time hasn’t been dragging.  The extra Gonal-f in my system has really been kicking my butt.  I feel a lot like I felt when I was taking clomid (minus the cysts of death).  Headaches, epic fatigue, cramps, forgetfulness, and confusion/spaciness.  My focus has been completely gone this week.  It took me close to 5 hours on Tuesday to create a 40 minute lesson plan.  I can usually pump those bad boys out within an hour.  It is what it is though.  I’m trying not to think about it.  I’m not getting my hopes up about this IUI.  I’m not terrified it’s not going to work.  I can handle that.  I’m worried we’re going to lose another baby (or babies this time).  If it happens again, I think we’ll be done trying for a while.

I’ve got a list of things I want to get done this weekend.  After Monday, I’m going to be afraid to move…  I’ll update Monday afternoon.

Penguin Tuxedos and Family Heirlooms.

At this morning’s monitoring appointment, they found 1 follicle.  The others stopped developing.  My one follicle is measuring at 19mm at day 15.  While it’s a bummer that the other three stopped, I keep telling myself that 19mm is huge for me.  At day 21 last month, I only had an 18mm follicle.  As much as I wanted to increase our chance with a couple eggs, it only takes one egg to make a baby.  Over the past couple weeks, I’ve had a lot of people ask me about follicles and what that means, click here for a neat clip on follicle development and ovulation.

The ultrasound tech started preparing me for the possibility of needing an IUI (intrauterine insemination).  She told me that if this post coital test was bad again, that would probably be what was recommended next. Out of the 2 post coital tests I’ve had so far, they’ve never seen a live sperm.  My body is deadly….  I told her I was totally down with that; that I just want this to be over.

BUT, the IUI is off the table for now.  My estrogen came back at 140.  Still not where we want it, but definitely improving.  AND as for the post coital test….  They found 75% motility in the sperm outside of my cervix. WOOO!!  My body isn’t the mean, killing machine we thought it was. 😉  Dr. B wants me to continue with 75 units of Gonal-F today and tomorrow and then repeat blood work and ultrasound on Wednesday.  We’re hoping for a 21mm follicle and higher estrogen.

I’ve heard Dr. B has no problem cancelling a cycle at the last minute if he thinks there’s no chance.  I completely appreciate that.  I don’t want to put any more medication into my body than I absolutely have to.  But since he hasn’t cancelled us yet, I’m going to keep hoping we have a chance. 🙂

Our weekend was busy, but good.  It started with a large box of injectable medicines being delivered Saturday morning with this sticker on the box:

 

I have no idea what penguins in tuxedos have to do with not freezing your medications, but hey.  Jeremy was home to sign for them and sent me a reassuring text that he stuck them safely in the freezer.  He thinks he’s so funny… 😉

 

I mentioned that my cousin, Tina, was going to be in town for the day on Saturday.  She brought my niece some awesome horses and a beautiful quilt that her grandmother (my great grandmother, Calli’s great great grandmother) made.  Then she said she had something for me, but she didn’t want me to cry (not an easy request these days).

She brought me this dress that had been hers when she was a baby.  She had been saving it for if she ever had a daughter.  Her grandmother, my great grandmother, made this dress as well.  The selflessness of this gift, the fact that it is such a precious family heirloom, and Tina telling me that she knows I’ll get to use it one day were too much and found us both crying.

After my parents got divorced 16+ years ago, my sisters and I lost a lot of contact with my dad’s extended family.  We’ve slowly started reconnecting with them now that we’re all adults.  My brother and I went to my dad’s uncle’s funeral in January partially for that purpose.  No one else from our family went, but we had such a nice time talking to people who knew my parents when they were kids.  I mentioned in that post how sad I was to have lost so much time with these people.  Tina is another one of those people who I’m so sad that we didn’t know better as we were growing up.  She didn’t know I had gotten married until over a year after, and I didn’t know she’d gotten married until 10 years after. 😦

Right now, I can’t even imagine how hard it would be to give away something I’ve saved for my own babies.  It would be heart breaking.  She’s such a beautiful person.  I’m more than blessed to have such a wonderful first cousin, once removed. 🙂

Infertility sucks.  But it’s causing me to become closer to my family and making me realize how incredibly important they are.

I’m still packing like a champ.  Our final walk through is tomorrow and we close the day after tomorrow. 🙂

Injectably Optimistic

I think when I was hoping for a diagnoses, I was really hoping that someone would tell me that everything would be ok.  That everything would work out.  Or for someone to tell me that we were never going to have biological children and to stop trying.

We didn’t get either one of those things today, but we did have Dr. B tell us to prepare ourselves to get pregnant this month.  I was really nervous going into this appointment.  I had no idea what he was going to tell us.  We knew that Jeremy’s test came back wonderfully, but we didn’t know what to make of my wonky levels.  Dr. B started by telling me I have excellent ovarian reserve. WOOO!  At least my eggs are still there and available.  BUT, my LH was too high and my estrogen was far too low.  It took almost 3 weeks to make one 18mm follicle that wasn’t developed enough last cycle.
Dr. B’s plan of action?  Rather than have clomid ruin my uterine lining (and cause more cysts), he wants to try Gonal-F injections.  Gonal-F is an FSH subcutaneous injection.  Rather than using at the beginning of my cycle, he’s having me inject 75 units on days 8 through 11.  It should help my ovaries produce stronger eggs.  I hope.  I have an ultrasound scheduled for Friday and Monday.  They’re prepared to give me an HCG trigger and progesterone supplements as necessary.

I thought for sure that this month would be a wash as I’m already at day 8, but he was more than ready to try a medicated cycle.  The awesome part?  They had a 300 unit of Gonal-F in the office and sent it home with us so we didn’t have to pay for it.  Woo Hooo! 🙂

He doesn’t want to jump to an IUI yet because we might not need it.  I am apprehensively appreciative of that.  While I want us to be able to get pregnant as naturally as possible, I also want this nightmare to be over.  This might be a good happy medium.  If it works.

Having Dr. B tell us to prepare ourselves to get pregnant this cycle was interesting.  Is it really going to be that easy?  Just the right cocktail of drugs?  I’m prepared for this cycle to fail.  I’m prepared to move into an IUI next cycle.  But I’m also getting my hopes up.  I’m hoping that these virtually painless Gonal-F injections will be all my reproductive system needs to get good and knocked up.

So that’s that.  We’re both in better moods than we’ve been in for a while.  We went for another long walk along the river walk by the new house tonight.  This time we walked north.  It was quiet and peaceful.  We talked a little more about the appointment and how scary it is that we’re at the injectable medication stage.  And about how my brave husband is scared of needles. 😉

Mucus Overrated.

Remember that time a few months ago when I thought we’d figured things out?  Remember when that turned out to be all wrong? Remember when we thought we’d figured it out again?  And then that turned out to be wrong? Again.  No?  Well, it did.

Today’s monitoring appointment was bad.  All around.  My estrogen at day 13? 53.  Everything I’ve read said it should be at least 100.  And follicles?  A couple on my right ovary, but they’re all too underdeveloped.  And my post coital test?  1 sperm.  1 single, non-swimming sperm.  Why?  They’re leaning towards thick cervical mucus, but they’re repeating a semen analysis just to be sure.  Luck us.  They’re not bothering with another blood draw/ultrasound before I “ovulate.”  They don’t think it would be beneficial.  Jeremy and I are both going back next Thursday.  They’ll be checking follicles, progesterone, and sperm count.  Fun, right?

I had a bad feeling last night.  For some reason, I was dreading going to the office today.  Granted, the post coital test was freaking me out, but it was more than that.  The dread was still there when I woke up this morning and it  persisted all through the appointment.  After that, it just put me in a bad/gloomy mood (more so than usual).  But, because of the gloominess that was there when they called with these test results, it didn’t feel as bad as I thought it was going to.  It sucks.  I really really really sucks, but I’m not curled up in the fetal position in the shower bawling.  I’m saving that for after next week’s appointment. 😉

If you’ve never had a post coital test, it’s a lot like a pap smear.  A really awkward pap smear…  They ask you when you had intercourse the night before and then get to it.  I had some cramping afterwards.  It wasn’t awful and the nurses are totally used to it.

I don’t really know what to think about this.  It’s silly to draw conclusions until we have the whole month’s worth of data, but it’s hard to not see the very worst in this situation.  In my head, we’re going to be jumping straight to an IUI, but in reality tweaking my estrogen levels might fix everything.  It’s impossible to know for sure until after next week’s test.

We could be receiving some heartbreaking information a week from now.  Or we could be filled with a renewed hope.  I can’t focus on it though.  I can’t keep thinking about it like I am because it’s not doing any good.  I’m so thankful we have our house to think about now.  We’re still looking at August 30 for closing.  That’s just 28 days from now.  4 weeks.

We spent some time at Home Depot this evening picking out the hardwood floors we want to put it the living room, dining room, hallway, and bedrooms, and the white subway tile we’re putting in the kitchen and bathroom.  I’ve got almost all of my books packed up.  22 boxes of books are chilling in my living room right now.  We’ve picked out paint colors.  I just have to keep moving towards that goal.  Keep packing.  Keep thinking about decorating.  It makes me happy and I need all the happy I can get.