Embryos are Transferred!

We got up this morning and went for an easy hike.  It was a nice time to spend with my husband and our hounds.  It was nice to be outside and moving before transfer.  It helped with my stress levels to just be active.

And then I took a valium and we were on our way to the clinic.  Last time, I was trying not to throw up on our way to transfer, but this time it seemed to be a lot easier to remain calm.  I convinced myself that if anything was wrong with the embryos we would have heard by then.

They took us back pretty quickly.  This time we both got to change into gowns.  We both had hair nets and booties. 🙂  And then they showed us our embryos.  The first two THAWED PERFECTLY!!!  Which means we still have 2 frozen. 🙂  I can’t be more thankful and more relieved.  Also, I’m pretty sure I was given a higher dose of valium this time. 😉

We were so impressed with the facility and professionalism at UNC today.  The doctor was gentle and positive.  The nurses were compassionate and helpful.  The embryologist was thorough and cautious. The OR was super modern, clean and impressive.

The whole experience was a million times better than the last time at the last clinic.  I feel so much more calm and relaxed this time.

No bedrest this time.  I’m supposed to take it easy today, but I can go back to being active tomorrow.  The nurse said I could be as active as I feel comfortable with.  I think I’m going to stick to brisk walking and easy hiking.  No weights, yoga, or running for now.

Beta #1 is Sunday, August 10th.  Please pray for these two goldfish. We have so much hope for them. <3<3

 

Pre-FET Anxiety

FET #2 is tomorrow at 11:30.

Unlike last time, where time seemed to crawl, time has seemed to speed up this cycle.  I’m not ready for this.  I’m scared and anxious.  I don’t feel the joy and positivity I felt last time.   I haven’t slept for a full night in 2 weeks.  Whether that’s from the anxiety or the medication, that’s anyone’s guess.

I’m still having nightmares about the embryos not thawing or something going horribly wrong.  I had to put in writing yesterday that while the plan is to thaw and transfer 2 embryos, if neither of them survive the thaw the clinic has my permission to continue thawing embryos until they get 1 viable embryo.  That’s terrifying.  What if they have to thaw all 4 just to get one to thaw?  What if we don’t have anymore frozen?  What if this transfer is our last shot?

I know two thawed with no problem last transfer, but they’ve been moved and jostled since then.  What if our decision to move to another clinic ruined our chances to have our own babies?

I suppose it’s good that I’ve been so fixated on the thawing.  I haven’t given much energy to the thoughts of what come after that.  It just doesn’t seem as concerning to me for some reason.  It’s weird.  I know.

And I know that statistically, at least 3 of those embryos should thaw just fine. I know this.  But it’s not stopping the anxiety.

It’s probably not the thaw that’s really freaking me out.  It’s probably the whole idea of doing this again.  Of getting pregnant again. Of miscarrying again.

This is exhausting.  I am exhausted.  I want this to work.  I hope it doesn’t sound like I don’t.  I’ve just had so much experience with it not working.  Ever.

This has turned into a much more negative post than I wanted.  I’m going to try to spend the rest of the evening being hopeful and zen.  I promise.

 

More FET Prep…

I know, I suck for not updating about the embryos the day they arrived at the new clinic.  But they did get there.  And the embryologist called me that afternoon to tell me that they looked fine and were the correct temperature, which is the biggest concern when shipping embryos.  We won’t really know if they’re ok for sure until they are thawed.  It’s nerve wracking.

I keep having nightmares about them.  I used to dream about babies and babies being taken away from us.  Now I’m just dreaming about dying embryos.  I’m not sure which is worse.  I was in such a good place a couple weeks ago, but it’s almost like the embryo move made things more real.  We are doing another FET.  I took my last birth control pill on Tuesday and now we’re just waiting for my period to start.

My meds are in hand…
  I’m so happy to report that I will have ZERO injections this FET.  Just estrogen pills and progesterone gel.  I’ve heard the gel is messy, but it’s got to be less stressful than the progesterone in oil….

When I think progesterone in oil now, all I can think about is the few days after my 2nd beta fell when we had to keep doing the injections even though we knew the babies were dying.  I remember bending over the kitchen island so Jeremy could inject the estrogen and then the progesterone.  I sobbed and sobbed through it because the whole situation was so horrible.  I know that was really hard for him as well.

So when our new clinic offered to let us skip the injections (they told us to pick the least stressful method… duh… no needles here…) we jumped on it.  I love them.  I love them. I love them.  I know I keep saying that, but I don’t think I’ll ever take a good doctor for granted ever again.

And so we’re waiting.

On a positive note, I’m still frequenting the gym a lot.  If you remember, I started going regularly right after we found out about our last miscarriage.  A few week later, I set a goal that I wanted to lose 10 pounds before our next transfer.  I’m not overweight, not really.  However, I’ve definitely put some weight on over the past few years with all of the meds and bad news.  I wasn’t comfortable in my body and I blamed my body for killing my babies.  So I wanted to change the only thing I could: my weight and shape.  As of this week, I’ve met my goal. 🙂  10 pounds down and boy oh boy do I feel better in my own skin! 🙂  I think I could comfortably lose another 5 pounds, but I’m not really going to push it.

I had said that I wanted to run a 5k this fall, but with FET #2 falling in late July or early August, I’m not sure if that’s going to be feasible.  I think I might play it by ear.

My question.  Dr. M does not require bed rest.  She wants me to take it easy the day of transfer, but afterwards she wants me to go about my regularly scheduled activities.  Including the gym.  Right now, I’m running about 4-6 miles a week and probably walking another 2-3.  It’s not a lot, but it’s a lot more than I’ve ever done before.  When transfer rolls around, I will have been running fairly consistently for close to 4 months.  I’m terrified to do more than walk the dogs post-FET, but I know it’s going to be better for me (both mentally and physically) and the embryos if I stay active.  For those of you who have gone back to working out post-transfer, did you tone it down a lot or did you just not tack anything new onto your workouts?  This is definitely something I’ll be talking to the doctor about, but I thought I’d pick the brains of everyone else first. 🙂

FET-astic

I know I’ve been fairly quiet over the past 2 weeks since we found out about our embryos.  Nothing has been keeping me from blogging really, other than the desire to just not think about anything fertility related for a while.  Other than popping a birth control pill at night before I went to bed, it’s been fairly smooth.  We still talked about the embryos everyday.  I still thought about them all the time, but I thought I should take advantage of not thinking about IVF for a while.  I’ve done some baby knitting, a bit of baby pinning, and a lot of baby dreaming.  In my mind, I’ve been skipping straight over the transfer and right to both pregnancy and beyond.

It wasn’t until last night that the thought of the FET (frozen embryo transfer) started to fill me with terror.  It was the same terror that IUIs used to fill me with. But worse.  Terror that it won’t work.  Terror that my body might kill all 6 of these babies.  Terror that if all 6 die then it will be completely my fault.

It seems silly and unfounded.  Before we moved to North Carolina, we were all ready to start an adoption.  We were all in.  And now, it sounds terrifying.  I think it might be because before, we chose adoption over IVF.  We chose to spend our money on an adoption.  I wonder now if choosing to forgo IVF was my way of protecting myself.  If IVF doesn’t fail, then my body hadn’t failed completely. If we skip it, that guilt wouldn’t enter the picture.  And then IVF plopped itself into our laps and it was too good to pass up…

If you can’t tell, I’m really struggling with guilt these days.  And I know I shouldn’t.  I know we still have 6 beautiful embryos frozen a few miles away.  I know I’m being premature and worrying about the what-ifs.  I know I would be perfectly happy with adopting a beautiful baby if this doesn’t work.  It’s the process of getting through this that’s really giving me trouble.

But we have to get through this before we’ll know what the future holds for our family.

Our FET cycle #1 is starting.  Today is cycle day 2.  Today, I started my estrogen injections (Mondays and Fridays), my lovenox injections (daily), baby aspirin (daily), and started using my estring ring.

My blood work came back with my estrogen a 6.0 and my uterine lining at a 2.  I’ve got a great, fresh base to work off of.

Projected FET date: March 20!!

Embryos: Frozen

North Carolina received a lovely snow storm last night.  It made the roads fairly dangerous, so Jeremy took a snow day and worked from home today and both my original flight and my rebooked flight to Chicago were cancelled.  It was a bummer, but the snow really is pretty. 

The cats did a lot of bird watching.  My bird feeders have gone relatively unnoticed for the past 2 1/2 months that we’ve lived here.  I had so many birds in Illinois, so it was a bummer that we never saw any birds here.  But then everything got iced over and those little birdies were hungry.  I’m hoping they stick around now that they know food is here.
But that’s not really what you wanted to know about, is it?  I FINALLY got a call from the embryologist today.  The office was closed due to the storm, so I really thought they weren’t going to call.  It was a pleasant surprise when I heard from them. 😉  Well, maybe that’s an understatement…

Here’s how he broke it down for me:  22 eggs were retrieved.  Of those 22, 11 eggs were mature.  That’s still more than the 10 we were hoping for.  Of those 11, 10 fertilized.  Those 10 were left to grow.  Today, they’re freezing 6 healthy, day 5, embryos!!  SIX!!!
We have SIX baby-cicles frozen in a lab!  
We’re very happy and very comfortable with 6 embryos.  One of our biggest concerns was that we would have too many embryos that we would then have to make decisions about.  It’s unlikely that we’ll need to worry about that now. 🙂

I feel relieved and confident and I’m so ready to go!!  I start my birth control tomorrow and then it’s FET time!! 🙂