11: Counting

11 months and counting.. Counting to 60 is my new thing.  It’s calming.  Or something.

I really wasn’t expecting to get pregnant this month.  I was up north visiting one of my best friends, Jessica, and her family.  On a whim, I brought my ovulation kit sticks with me even though I should have still had a couple days before I ovulated.  When I got that pretty smiley face Sunday afternoon, I zoomed home… you know… But the next day, Jeremy and I both came down with a horrendous flu.  Mine was a little worse (think stomach flu), but we were both knocked out for a few days… Which few days?  The days I should have been most fertile.  That’s life?  Boo. I’m pretty bummed…  28 days this month rather than the usual 32… I’m not sure what that means, but I can’t wait until I see my doctor in January…

But, our bedroom is almost finished.  We’ll be moving into it this next week.  I’m supposed to be thankful this time of year.  I’m thankful for my new bedroom, for Jeremy, and for a very full bottle of wine….

An Avalanche

I spent a better part of today staring at my computer screen trying to talk myself into calling the fertility clinic I decided on last night.  It took me a good 12+ hours to talk myself into doing it.  I think a big part of me was worried about starting the infertility avalanche.  What if we find out something is wrong?  Right now I can justify it and say that it hasn’t been a year yet.  A lot of couples take a year to make a baby.  But our year is almost up.  And I’m not feeling positive about my ability to make a baby.

So, to make sure that the blame really does land entirely on my shoulders, I made Jeremy an appointment with a specimen cup.  Poor guy.  It’s the least invasive and most inexpensive test that can be run.  It’s our starting point and will decide what to do next.

While trying talk me into just doing it, my mom mused that maybe I’m worried that it will be an easy fix and that I’ll wind up with a baby I’m not ready for… Thanks for making me think, Mom. 😉  A valid question, but I am 100% sure that isn’t the case.  My body aches for a baby, for someone else to take care of, for a little person who is half me and half of my wonderful husband.  I feel like our family is incomplete, that a huge part of it is missing.  It’s similar to the way you feel when someone important to you leaves your life.  It’s a sadness and an emptiness.  Almost a hollowness.  The only difference is that, with time, you usually learn to accept that person’s absence.  My emptiness is only growing and my sadness is only getting worse.

I ovulate next week.  Haven’t we done this before?  Let’s just skip to my period starting and my monthly bottle of wine…

The Homemaker.

Last week, I was filling out the forms for our first health insurance policy.  Scary? YES!  I listed Jeremy’s profession as an engineer, super easy, but then when it came to my profession, it got a little harder…  Part-time, online, handmade store owner? No.  Part-time baby making researcher?  No.  Avid knitter?  No.  Cleaning, cooking, and laundry? You betcha.  I had to list myself as a “homemaker.”  Yikes.

I don’t mind the role Jeremy and I have given me in our family.  I rather enjoy this time I’ve gotten to step back and just do my thing.  My only complaint is that I’m very much missing another role.  But that’s neither here nor there today.

According to Webster’s dictionary (wooo, I was wondering when I would get to use that tag again! 😉 ) :

home·mak·er [hohm-mey-ker]
noun
1. a person who manages the household of his or her own family, especially as a principal occupation.
2. a person employed to manage a household and do household chores for others, as for the sick or elderly.

I’m coming to terms with that term and that role in our family.  I’m starting to enjoy making dinner every night.  I’ve been finding new things to feed my poor husband that doesn’t involve chicken and noodles every night.

Cat outfitter, kitten rescuer, baker, knitter, teacher, gardener...

The truth is, “Homemaker” is an awesome way to describe everything that I do, everything I dabble in.  It can encompass the basic cleaning and cooking, but also the crafting, the volunteering, and a mess of other things.   I very much enjoy my occupation and I’m getting a little better at it every day. 🙂