Saline Ultrasound, Check

I had my saline ultrasound today.  It hurt.  But it was fine.  Dr. T said my uterus looks perfect.  I assumed that would be the case, but hey, it’s nice to know three different doctors have proclaimed my uterus is gorgeous.  It’s just that darn endometriosis screwing up a perfectly beautiful reproductive system. 😉

He sat down with me right away after he did my ultrasound though.  That was really nice.  He’s still a little rough, but he was a lot more personable today.  He joked with me and made me feel better.  We’re not going to be best friends, but I think he’ll be a fine doctor for us.
The procedure itself hurt.  They fill your uterus up with saline to get better images with the ultrasound probe.  It wasn’t as bad as the HSG, but then I think I was a little more prepared this time than I was for the HSG.  The HSG was my very first brush with the infertility world and I had no idea what I was getting into.  This time, I think knew more what to expect and because I was expecting it to hurt as badly as the HSG did, it didn’t seem so bad.

I went to Whole Foods afterwards and got myself a delicious late lunch, then I went home and curled up on the couch for the rest of the day.  I just feel a little crampy now.

I had quite a few vials of blood drawn while I was there for ANOTHER infection disease workup.  They keep expiring on me.  Boy, that’s depressing…  Dr. T also wanted my AMH tested again before he decides what and how much medication we’re going to use during January’s retrieval cycle.  Whatever.  Take it.  Take the blood.  I don’t care.

And I signed up for our IVF Education Class… What?  I don’t know.  I don’t even know what that’s all about.  I just know they won’t go forward with an IVF cycle without one or both of us going through the class.  We’ll see.  We go on the 31st.

Let’s see, what else…. We *should* be closing on our house tomorrow.  Cross your fingers everything goes through.  I know I was stressed out when we bought our house, but although it took a long time, it was a fairly smooth, straightforward process.  Selling our house… Oi.  It’s been an epic headache with no one wanting to share information and FHA taking their sweet time and whoosh.  BUT, hopefully, it will all be over and my beautiful house with the blue kitchen will belong to someone else.
I love that house, but I’m not going to lie, the house we’re renting here in North Carolina is a good 45ish years newer and it sure is nice.   It’s just a new experience and that’s ok.  🙂

So now we wait.  3 weeks to birth control.  It’s sitting on my dining room table.  waiting. waiting. waiting. 😉

IUI #6/3

I’m so over these injections.  Knowing that we’re almost done has not made doing them any easier.  One more gonal-f tonight and then a novarel tomorrow and then, cross your fingers, I’m done injecting hormones into my body.  YAY!

I went in for a follicle count and blood work today.  She found 5 follicles, but only one looked like it would be dominant.  I’m a little bummed out.  We decreased the meds in hopes that 6 follicles would go down to maybe 2 or 3 follicles, but it looks like one it is.  My estrogen came back at 374, so we definitely have 1 really solid follicle, maybe even a second by Friday.

Friday is IUI #6/3.  It will only be cycle day 11.  It’s rather early, but if follicles are ready, then they’re ready, right?

This seems to have gone fast, but the early IUI coupled with the fact that I’ve been done with a horrible cold since this past weekend is probably why.  I’ve heard it’s going around and with the huge number of different students I see on a daily basis, it’s not surprising that it got me.

What do I do when I’m sick?  Knit socks of course.  The socks that I started a couple weeks ago got finished up last night…

 

Find the pattern here.

You can also catch a glimpse of the new nursery floor and wall color in that picture.  I’ve been too sick and/or preoccupied to take good pictures of it so far.  I’ll get there eventually.  For now, I’d prefer to nap on my couch. 🙂

This Isn’t the Room I Had in Mind.

The bill from our first IUI came in the mail a couple weeks ago.  I could only glance at it and then tossed it aside.  The only thing I could think of was that bill, that dollar amount, is the only thing left of our baby.  $98.00.  That’s what our baby dying cost us.  I sat down to pay it a little while ago as I had let it go a week overdue.  That was easily the hardest check I’ve ever had to write, the hardest $98 I’ve ever had to part with.

It seems silly to think about it that way.  We were only buying a chance to have a baby.  There was never any guarantee that we would get one of our own.

I’ve spent the day half deep cleaning the house and half staring at all of the space in despair.  I both love and hate this house today.  I’m debating ripping every stitch of carpet out of the extra bedroom this afternoon.  I really hate that bedroom…

Every afternoon, the extra bedroom that was supposed to be a nursery glows.  Walking down the hallway, it looks like someone has turned on all the lights and then some.
The baby-yellow walls that I hated when we first moved in only magnify the sunshine that comes through the west window.  No window in the house gets as much sunshine as that one window.
When we first moved in, I would frequently double check that I hadn’t left the light on the night before – but there is no light in this room.  I try to never go in there if I can help it.  It reminds me of everything it isn’t.  It isn’t the room my son or daughter will sleep in.  It isn’t the room that we snuggle and read in together.  It isn’t a room full of tiny clothes and tiny shoes.  It isn’t the room I sneak into 100 times a night to thank God for this little soul.  It isn’t the room where all kinds of great imagining will happen.  This isn’t the room I had in mind.
But sometimes, when the sun fills it and makes it glow just right, I’ll sit on the floor in that room.  Sometimes I cry.  Sometimes I imagine it’s the room it’s supposed to be.  And sometimes I just sit and wonder why life is the way it is.
This isn’t the room I had in mind.  This isn’t the life I had envisioned for us.  Things were supposed to fall into place with this house.  It was supposed to be our new beginning.  We were so close.  But this still isn’t the room I had in mind.

Hesitant Updates…

I’ve been so hesitant to post anything fertility related lately, because it seems like every time I post something hopeful, my period starts just a few hours later…  BUT, I wanted to give an update because I’ll probably be a little out of touch this next weekend.

Tomorrow morning is our official test date.  I’ve been tempted to cheat all week, but I chickened out.  I would have taken one this morning, but I had to leave the house at 6:30 and knew I wouldn’t be home until 9:30 tonight.  I didn’t want to find out and then have a day like that.  So we decided to listen to Dr B and wait until tomorrow, which will be day 32 (14 or 15 days past ovulation) of my cycle.  If you remember, last cycle wasn’t even 24 days, so this is an improvement.   I’m still taking progesterone twice a day, and I still hate it.

I’m suddenly breaking out like a teenager (which didn’t make me feel better about starting my high school observations today…), and am more bloated than I’ve ever been– but surprisingly, I don’t feel bad really.  I just feel really tired.  Most of the time.

But, we’re going through life right now assuming this isn’t going to be our month.  We’ve been too busy and I’ve been too active.  We haven’t talked about any “What if’s” and I haven’t really looked at anything baby related for a couple weeks.  I don’t think I’ll be devastated when this cycle doesn’t work.  Keeping busy really is helping.

School is feeling overwhelming– getting back into the swing of things is harder than I expected.  Unpacking is getting there, but slowly due to school and being exhausted.  PLUS, Skill is coming home on Friday evening!  So we’ve been prepping and getting ready for him.  We’ve bought almost everything we need for him and are just waiting on a few things to come in the mail.

I won’t leave you hanging if we get a positive tomorrow or Friday.  But if you don’t hear from me, assume I’m off spending quality time with our new family member and have nothing exciting to report. 🙂

Moving Day is Tomorrow!

Yikes! Where have I been?  Out of control…  The movers come tomorrow afternoon, the house is move-in ready as of 1 am this morning, we go meet our greyhound tomorrow morning, and my uterine lining/progesterone levels are holding strong.

Not too shabby for the past week. 🙂  We spent a crazy amount of time getting this house ready over the long weekend.  Painting and cleaning and carpet cleaning and jungle patio overhauls ensued.  I know I overdid it, but such is life.  I haven’t gotten pregnant so far by taking it easy.  I am, however, taking it easier this week.  I’m feeling tired more easily and I’m far more emotional.  I’m resting when I need it and trying to get some extra sleep.

My mom and step dad and Jeremy’s parents helped us a lot, which was a gigantic relief.  Jeremy’s parents helped with all of the high VOC painting so I could stay away from the fumes, and my mom and step dad whipped our patio into something just beautiful after the previous owners let it turn into the Jungle Book over the summer.

We met some of our neighbors and they’re all so nice.  They’re all older than we are, but we kind of expected that.  They all just seem to be happy that someone bought the house and is starting to take care of it again.  We’re really enjoying watching the house transform into something loved and well cared for.  The longer we spend there and the more projects we do, the more we love the house and can’t wait to make it into the perfect home for our family.  I can see us living in this house for years and years to come, changing and improving things along the way.

It’s two blocks from the elementary school, two blocks from the river walk, and still nice and close to both of our families.  It has plenty of room for visitors and plenty of options to change as our family grows.

How are things on the family front?  We are 8 days past ovulation.  I’ve been taking prometrium supplements twice a day since Sunday.  My uterine lining looks good.  We’re at cycle day 26.  Farther than last month, still a few days to go.  I’ve been a little crampy off and on for the past couple days.  Nothing super painful, just uncomfortable.  It usually stops when I lay down.  I’ve also lost 4 pounds in the past week.  I know I’ve been really active, but I’ve also been eating like a horse, so I’m not sure what that means.

Dr. B doesn’t want me to test until Thursday… I don’t know if I can hold out that long.  I’ll definitely be waiting until early next week though.  I’m terrified that the oviderel will still be in my system and I’ll get a very very false positive.  I don’t have a good feeling about this cycle though.  I have a feeling my period will start before I get a chance to test.

Today, I’m going to finish packing and day dream about picking our greyhound tomorrow. 🙂

Penguin Tuxedos and Family Heirlooms.

At this morning’s monitoring appointment, they found 1 follicle.  The others stopped developing.  My one follicle is measuring at 19mm at day 15.  While it’s a bummer that the other three stopped, I keep telling myself that 19mm is huge for me.  At day 21 last month, I only had an 18mm follicle.  As much as I wanted to increase our chance with a couple eggs, it only takes one egg to make a baby.  Over the past couple weeks, I’ve had a lot of people ask me about follicles and what that means, click here for a neat clip on follicle development and ovulation.

The ultrasound tech started preparing me for the possibility of needing an IUI (intrauterine insemination).  She told me that if this post coital test was bad again, that would probably be what was recommended next. Out of the 2 post coital tests I’ve had so far, they’ve never seen a live sperm.  My body is deadly….  I told her I was totally down with that; that I just want this to be over.

BUT, the IUI is off the table for now.  My estrogen came back at 140.  Still not where we want it, but definitely improving.  AND as for the post coital test….  They found 75% motility in the sperm outside of my cervix. WOOO!!  My body isn’t the mean, killing machine we thought it was. 😉  Dr. B wants me to continue with 75 units of Gonal-F today and tomorrow and then repeat blood work and ultrasound on Wednesday.  We’re hoping for a 21mm follicle and higher estrogen.

I’ve heard Dr. B has no problem cancelling a cycle at the last minute if he thinks there’s no chance.  I completely appreciate that.  I don’t want to put any more medication into my body than I absolutely have to.  But since he hasn’t cancelled us yet, I’m going to keep hoping we have a chance. 🙂

Our weekend was busy, but good.  It started with a large box of injectable medicines being delivered Saturday morning with this sticker on the box:

 

I have no idea what penguins in tuxedos have to do with not freezing your medications, but hey.  Jeremy was home to sign for them and sent me a reassuring text that he stuck them safely in the freezer.  He thinks he’s so funny… 😉

 

I mentioned that my cousin, Tina, was going to be in town for the day on Saturday.  She brought my niece some awesome horses and a beautiful quilt that her grandmother (my great grandmother, Calli’s great great grandmother) made.  Then she said she had something for me, but she didn’t want me to cry (not an easy request these days).

She brought me this dress that had been hers when she was a baby.  She had been saving it for if she ever had a daughter.  Her grandmother, my great grandmother, made this dress as well.  The selflessness of this gift, the fact that it is such a precious family heirloom, and Tina telling me that she knows I’ll get to use it one day were too much and found us both crying.

After my parents got divorced 16+ years ago, my sisters and I lost a lot of contact with my dad’s extended family.  We’ve slowly started reconnecting with them now that we’re all adults.  My brother and I went to my dad’s uncle’s funeral in January partially for that purpose.  No one else from our family went, but we had such a nice time talking to people who knew my parents when they were kids.  I mentioned in that post how sad I was to have lost so much time with these people.  Tina is another one of those people who I’m so sad that we didn’t know better as we were growing up.  She didn’t know I had gotten married until over a year after, and I didn’t know she’d gotten married until 10 years after. 😦

Right now, I can’t even imagine how hard it would be to give away something I’ve saved for my own babies.  It would be heart breaking.  She’s such a beautiful person.  I’m more than blessed to have such a wonderful first cousin, once removed. 🙂

Infertility sucks.  But it’s causing me to become closer to my family and making me realize how incredibly important they are.

I’m still packing like a champ.  Our final walk through is tomorrow and we close the day after tomorrow. 🙂

Mini Follicles

I’m getting ready to call shenanigans on Dr. B’s positivity in this cycle.

I went in for my CD 12 untrasound/blood work/post coital test this morning.  I’ve been having a lot of lower back pain and everything I’ve read said that usually means your follicles are growing nicely.  I was expecting to see a few 18mm+ follicles on the scan.  Just kidding…

She found 4 larger follicles, and by larger I mean 12 to 14 mm each.  Thanks for nothing, Gonal-F.  I had one that big at last month’s CD 13 appointment without meds.  Also, the post coital test revealed exactly zero mobile sperm…  Since Jeremy’s last  test was great, I’m going to assume my very hostile body is killing everything.  Isn’t that special?

The one thing that makes me think we might be moving in the right direction is that my estrogen level is double what it was at this time last month.  109.  Still way too low, but much much better than 53.  They’re not giving up the cycle yet.  I’ve got another box of Gonal-F and will continue with 75 units once a day through the weekend.  They’re going to scan everything again on Monday and go from there.  I’m wondering if Dr. B will be at all interested in converting to an IUI if Monday’s post coital is bad again.  The Gonal-F is starting to burn when it’s injected.  I’m hoping I just hit a nerve yesterday and that’s not going to be the norm.

I’m going to try not to think about it for the weekend.  My second cousin is going to be in town tomorrow for a few hours and we never get to see her, so it will be nice to spend some time together. 🙂  PLUSSSS, our closing date changed.  TO NEXT WEDNESDAY! Yes, they moved it up.  5 days and counting to home-ownership.  🙂  I booked our moving company today too.  We officially move into the new house two weeks from tomorrow.   Also, grad school starts on Wednesday.  Out. Of. Control.

In all honesty, this is probably the best time for a failed cycle to happen.  We’re so busy with moving and school and work that I haven’t had much time to think and obsess about what’s going on.  That’s what we pay Dr. B and the nurses to do.  I’m less invested in this cycle than I’ve ever been.  I’ll be disappointed, but I’ve got enough to focus on that it won’t be nearly as crushing as past cycles.  Unless we switch to an IUI and then all bets are off and I’ll probably fall apart.  You know.

Packing is well underway though… The cats are having panic attacks. 😉

Mucus Overrated.

Remember that time a few months ago when I thought we’d figured things out?  Remember when that turned out to be all wrong? Remember when we thought we’d figured it out again?  And then that turned out to be wrong? Again.  No?  Well, it did.

Today’s monitoring appointment was bad.  All around.  My estrogen at day 13? 53.  Everything I’ve read said it should be at least 100.  And follicles?  A couple on my right ovary, but they’re all too underdeveloped.  And my post coital test?  1 sperm.  1 single, non-swimming sperm.  Why?  They’re leaning towards thick cervical mucus, but they’re repeating a semen analysis just to be sure.  Luck us.  They’re not bothering with another blood draw/ultrasound before I “ovulate.”  They don’t think it would be beneficial.  Jeremy and I are both going back next Thursday.  They’ll be checking follicles, progesterone, and sperm count.  Fun, right?

I had a bad feeling last night.  For some reason, I was dreading going to the office today.  Granted, the post coital test was freaking me out, but it was more than that.  The dread was still there when I woke up this morning and it  persisted all through the appointment.  After that, it just put me in a bad/gloomy mood (more so than usual).  But, because of the gloominess that was there when they called with these test results, it didn’t feel as bad as I thought it was going to.  It sucks.  I really really really sucks, but I’m not curled up in the fetal position in the shower bawling.  I’m saving that for after next week’s appointment. 😉

If you’ve never had a post coital test, it’s a lot like a pap smear.  A really awkward pap smear…  They ask you when you had intercourse the night before and then get to it.  I had some cramping afterwards.  It wasn’t awful and the nurses are totally used to it.

I don’t really know what to think about this.  It’s silly to draw conclusions until we have the whole month’s worth of data, but it’s hard to not see the very worst in this situation.  In my head, we’re going to be jumping straight to an IUI, but in reality tweaking my estrogen levels might fix everything.  It’s impossible to know for sure until after next week’s test.

We could be receiving some heartbreaking information a week from now.  Or we could be filled with a renewed hope.  I can’t focus on it though.  I can’t keep thinking about it like I am because it’s not doing any good.  I’m so thankful we have our house to think about now.  We’re still looking at August 30 for closing.  That’s just 28 days from now.  4 weeks.

We spent some time at Home Depot this evening picking out the hardwood floors we want to put it the living room, dining room, hallway, and bedrooms, and the white subway tile we’re putting in the kitchen and bathroom.  I’ve got almost all of my books packed up.  22 boxes of books are chilling in my living room right now.  We’ve picked out paint colors.  I just have to keep moving towards that goal.  Keep packing.  Keep thinking about decorating.  It makes me happy and I need all the happy I can get.

CD13? Maybe?

It’s kind of the same old, same old around here lately.  I think I’m around CD 13.  Maybe.  I don’t even care.  I’m doing really good about not thinking stressing out about it think month. 😉

I’ve been working out and am feeling sore, but good. =)  We’re doing ok with our dieting.  A lot more fresh foods and WAY less processed and sugary foods are being eaten.  I’m counting calories again, not so stay under a certain amount necessarily, but to really keep an eye on what I’m putting into my body.  Sweet and greasy foods are starting to sound bad.  They also make me feel noticeably worse if I do cave and eat something bad for me.  All in all, I think things are going well.  In another month or two, I think I’m going to be looking and feeling really good. 🙂

We’re still waiting on news from the house with the blue kitchen.  The seller accepted our offer right away, but the seller’s bank is taking their time.  I’m told this is normal for short sales, so I’m trying to be zen about it.  Our offer got sent to the bank’s negotiator last week.  I’m hoping that’s a good thing.   I really love that house.  I’ve decorated and redecorated 50 times.  In my head. 😉

I finalized my graduated classes for the fall.  The feeling is so bittersweet.  I always knew I would go to grad school.  You can’t do much with an English degree on its own.  I just hadn’t planned on it being so soon.  I enjoy school.  I enjoy the environment and the learning.  On some level, I think I even enjoy homework because it keeps me engaged.  This is probably another reason teaching is a good profession for me.  I’ll never have to leave.  BUT, my classes sound interesting and I’ve already purchased half of the books.  I’ll get a nice head start.

I’ve been in the garden a lot lately with the nice weather.  There are little, green tomatoes, peppers, and pickling cucumbers growing in, and the chamomile is getting ready to bloom. 🙂  I re-mulched my walking rows yesterday and am really happy with how it turned out:
I’m also seeing lots of praying mantises every day.  I was really worried about them, but they’re hanging in there.  They’re a whole week old and already catching lots of bad bugs.  I watched this guy catch a little fly yesterday:

I’m taking the rest of the week to get ready for the Aurora Green Festival.  Our store is going to beast this festival. 😉