Anger and Insanity

I had another acupuncture appointment yesterday.  I had a much less painful period this month, so I’m going to guess it’s doing something since it’s the only change I’ve made.  She added a few extra needles to my neck and ears to help with anger.  I’ve had a lot of anger lately.  Part of it is stemming from normal pms, but honestly, I feel like I’m angry at the world lately.  I’m angry that we’re going through this, I’m angry that other people are having babies, I’m angry about having that HSG test next week, and I think most of all I’m angry that I’m so angry.  If that makes sense…

It seems like the crying out of grief has subsisted and this horribly intense anger has taken its place.  I think I would prefer the crying though.  My anger is causing arguments and that’s never good.  Poor Jeremy has to live with me… 😉
We had an argument last night (that turned out to be a misunderstanding on both of our parts: fail) and through the arguing, I started to realize that I’m not as ok with that HSG test as I was wanting to be.  It bothers me that something foreign will be in my body.  It makes me uncomfortable that so many people we be looking at these parts of my body.

Will this theoretical baby ever know how much we want it?  What we’re willing to do to have it?  How hard we’re trying to fight for it?  I think that makes me angry too (and I know it shouldn’t).  My parents didn’t have a hard time getting pregnant with my sister or I.  We were planned, but they didn’t have to try very hard.  While we were growing up, I don’t think we stopped and thought about how much we were wanted; that two people decided to bring us into the world.  I appreciate it now.  I appreciate the emotions that went into those decisions.  Would I ever have thought about it without being in this situation?

Another thing on my mind today is the dreams I’ve been having.  Tell me if this is normal…  I dream about a baby, our baby.  Over the course of the dream, the baby is either taken away from us or dies.  The details are usually completely obscure, but last night things got hauntingly  detailed.  Our baby was born.  It was a girl.  We knew her birthday.  She had a name.  I remember being irritated that my family forgot to throw a baby shower ;).  All of a sudden, our baby is a year or two old and she’s dying.  She’s had some kind of illness that couldn’t be cured.  My mom and sisters were there and they just didn’t understand why I was so upset.  Then she got taken away from me.  Then I woke up.

I hate these dreams.  They happen a couple times a week.  They’re getting bad enough that I don’t want to sleep any more.  I  understand why I’m having them.  I understand what they’re supposed to represent.  I would just really like them to stop.

And for the very last bit of news, I got admitted to graduate school over the weekend.  It feels like a ounce of sanity in the middle of complete insanity. 😉

Yay, me!

 

 

13: …

I called to make my appointment for my HSG test.  Unfortunately, yesterday’s good mood didn’t carry over.  We’re going bowling tonight for my mom’s birthday. 🙂 It should be fun. ❤

Acupuncture, My New Love

I just had my first acupuncture appointment.  I totally need a nap.  I’m feeling super relaxed and am confident that I’ll get a good nights sleep.
The biggest question I’m getting from my family was if it hurt: No.  I hardly felt the needles in my feet and legs.  I felt a little pressure with the needles in my abdomen, hands, arms, and top of my head.  The needle between my eyes was the only one I was uncomfortable with, but even that felt better after a few  minutes.   I had roughly 25 needles hanging out in my skin for 15 minutes or so.  I’m going back next Monday. 😉

She promised to help me with my energy level, my sleeping problems, with how emotional I am, and with how uncomfortable my periods are (sorry, boys… periods happen.).  I’ve decided that even if this doesn’t help us have a baby, if it makes me feel better all around, I’m totally sold.

She gave me some herbal supplements to start taking once this cycle is over.  They’re supposed to make me really happy.  Yes, please.  I might never go back to a regular doctor ever again. 😉

The Brozynskis

My brother, Alex, and I went to our Great Uncle Bob’s funeral this weekend.  He was my dad’s uncle and we honestly didn’t know much about that side of the family.  I had no idea that Uncle Bob had more siblings than just my grandpa.  He had 2 other brothers and a sister.  Only his youngest brother is still alive.

Great Uncle Rudy, Grandpa, Great Aunt Selena, Great Uncle Bob, Great Uncle Ron, Great Grandpa and Great Grandma

It made me really sad to know that we could have had a relationship with these relatives, but now most of them are gone.  It was really nice to meet their kids though (my dad’s cousins).  My Great Aunt Selena made these really extensive genealogy books before she died a couple years ago.  Her son and daughter-in-law brought them to the luncheon for everyone to look through.  My siblings and I are in there and we each have our own pages waiting to be filled out when we get married and have kids.  There are pictures of us, a copy of my parents’ wedding invitation.. It made me sad all over again that she knew all about me, but I didn’t know who she was.

Speaking of not knowing who people are.  Did you ever see Wedding Crashers?  You know that part when they’re introducing themselves as the nephews of some obscure relative?  I felt kind of like that all weekend.  Someone would recognize my cousins and say “hello” and then look at Alex and I like we were tag-alongs.  We’d say, “Oh, we’re Mark’s kids.” and they’d say, “Oh…”  Then I’d say, “We’re Gordon’s grandkids.” And that would get more recognition.  If my aunt was around, she’d introduce us as her brother’s kids and that usually sufficed, but I’m sure a lot of people assumed we were just there for the food. Which was fabulous. 😉

Anywho, the books went back really far, back to a time when you spelled your last name how it sounded and it was rarely consistent.  Some of my favorites include “Brozynski,” and “Brugenski.”  😉

Alex and I had a fun trip though.  We’re on the same wavelength most of the time.  I’m not sure if that means I act like I’m 15, he acts like he’s 24, or if we might somewhere in the middle.
We made fun of Indiana, listened to a lot of NSYNC, bought furry hats at a truck stop, visited 8 Mile, listened to Coolio, Tupac, Eminem, Russian Unicorn, Double Rainbow, Captain Jack Sparrow, and a host of other memes, acted like tourists in front of Tim Hortons on 23 Mile… yea… maybe we’re leaning towards acting like 15-year-olds.  😉  We had fun though.  Definitely more fun than driving alone.

Now it’s back to work.  We’ve been trying to get our Valentine’s Day collars and toys into the store.  I think I’m just about done with it.

 

I don’t think I have anything new to report fertility-wise.  My hormone tests came back normal.  My fsh was a tiny bit low, but Dr. M said it was nothing to worry about.  Now, we’re just waiting for this cycle to end so we can schedule my HSG test.
I’ve got my first appointment with my acupuncturist tomorrow.  It might not help, but it definitely can’t hurt, right?

And One More Thing…

I took this while we were waiting for Dr. M. today.  Can you tell I was so nervous I almost threw up? 😉   He was busy playing his boy games..

The vaccine she gave me is making me feel horrible.  Very flu-esque.  Boo.   Off to buy new dress pants tomorrow.  I just can’t squeeze myself into the same ones I wore when I was 20… 😉  Although, I hear that problem is only going to get worse when we start clomid.

HSG: my Uterus is freaking out…

We saw my doctor this morning and I’m happy to announce we have a plan! 🙂  It involves some waiting still, but we’ve finally got something to work with.

Just after the start of my next cycle, she wants me to have a HSG test done.  A HSG test is when they insert a catheter into your uterus and inject dye.  The dye fills your uterus and then goes on to fill your fallopian tubes until it spills out of the other end.  A radiologist then x-rays your abdomen.  The purpose of this test is to see if there are any blockages or growths that are preventing pregnancy.  Obviously we can’t get pregnant if something is blocked.  Check out this video to see how they do it.  After seeing it, I plan on begging for a sedative.  It’s suppose to hurt.  It looks like it hurts.  My uterus is crying.

The neat thing about the HSG test is that if my fallopian tubes are a little blocked with mucus or “sludge” as Dr. M put it, oftentimes the HSG dye will unblock them.  I plan on asking for a copy of my x-ray.   😉

She drew a lot of blood today to test my thyroid, my hormone levels, and for German measles.  She also gave me a tetanus/diphtheria/whooping cough vaccine because I was over due…  My arm hurts. 😦

Our plan of attack is to do the HSG test, maybe start a round of clomid (a drug that makes you ovulate) while we wait for Jeremy’s test at the end of March, and then either continue the clomid if Jeremy is fine or continue the clomid and start working on our first intrauterine insemination (IUI) if he’s not.

I’m still frustrated, but happy we’re working towards something now.

I’m leaving for Detroit on Friday or Saturday.  My great-uncle died and I want to go to the funeral.  It will be nice to spend some time with my extended family.

Nerves

I know the  WordPress blackout is going on, but I wanted to post anyway.  If you’re unclear as to why the blackout is going on, check out the video on this page.  I don’t feel I have an opinion on this either way.  I see why each side believes what they believe, however I am not ok with music/video pirating or government/corporate censorship.  I’m interested to see how it plays out.

Anywho.  I’m seeing my doctor in the morning.  I’m nervous.  I’m nervous that like Jeremy’s doctor, she won’t really tell us anything.  I’m worried we’ll be back to waiting.  We’ve done so much waiting already. I’m nervous about what she will tell us, about what she won’t be able to tell us.  I’m just a bundle of nerves.
I didn’t ovulate this month.  Just one more thing to add to the list. =/

Found on Pinterest…

I'm not the only one who sees this every month, right? 😉

It made me laugh.  Especially after the older lady at the hair salon told me I looked like a young Doris Day… It’s been one of those weird days…  ❤

I applied to graduate school yesterday.  Yikes!  I wasn’t planning on getting my master’s so soon, but hey, why not?

Square One

Did you know that sperm take around 90 days to develop completely?  Did you also know that illness or high fevers can dramatically alter a man’s sperm count?  Neither did we.

A week or two before Jeremy’s first test, we both had a horrendous flu.  High fevers, body aches.. the works.

Sooooo, Dr. R wants Jeremy’s test repeated the first week of April.  Which means, we’re back to square one.  We have no idea what’s wrong and we’re back to waiting.  I am thankful that there’s a good possibility Jeremy is fine.  He didn’t need that hanging over him.

Two weeks from tomorrow, I’ll see my doctor and hopefully we’ll get more answers.

I’m taking my Christmas decorations down today.  I planned out my garden the other night.  I’m working on some stranded socks.  I finished Might Be Our Power last night.  Focus.

Meanwhile, Bella has to visit the vet in the morning.  She’s got a urinary tract infection. 😦 Poor kitty.

❤

 

Urology, Socks, and Books.

I’m so nervous about tomorrow.  We have an appointment with the urologist at 8:40 am.  I’m nervous about meeting someone new and letting him into this intimate situation, about what he’ll have to tell us, and I am terrified about what he won’t be able to tell us, that after everything we’ll still be in the dark.  I don’t like not having a plan.  At the very least, I’m hoping we leave his office with some kind of plan in mind.

I’m trying to focus on other things though.

I’ve been occupying myself today with finishing Jeremy’s Christmas socks:

Don't you love my fluffy prop? 😉

They were mostly done, I just needed to add the heels.

I’ve also spent the past couple days reading.  I finished Dawn by Octavia Butler.  She’s the author of my all time favorite novel, Kindred, so I thought I would give her Xenogenesis series a try.  Would I recommend  it?  Welllll… Do you like really out there sci-fi?  No?  Don’t even think about picking it up then.  I’m going to read the next to books in the series because I want to know what happens, but I’m really on the fence as to whether or not I liked it or just thought it was weird.  I’ll keep you updated.

I’m also 3/4 of the way through Mighty Be Our Powers by Leymah Gbowee.  It’s a memoir about the Liberian War and how Gbowee’s women’s groups helped bring peace to the country.  I don’t normally care for memoirs, but this book is extremely well written.  She really brings you into the story and has you both rooting for her and crying with her.  I’d highly recommend it.  It helps me keep my problems in perspective.

I’m nervous and scared.  I’m both dreading and welcoming tomorrow.  It’s a means to an end, the beginning of the end… etc…  It’s going to get the ball we’ve been avoiding rolling.  Whether we like or not, the ball is going to start rolling.