A House Does Not the Family Make

We moved the last of our belongings into our interim house last night.  I said a silent “goodbye” to our first house in North Carolina as we drove away.  It wasn’t as sad as leaving the house with the blue kitchen, but it was still bittersweet.

That was the second house I’ve lived in and expected to bring a baby home to.  When we moved here, I was sure the IVF would work and we would have a baby by the end of the year.  My due date is this week.  My two beautiful embryos, who gave me so much hope, should be here with us this week.  They should have grown into two beautiful babies.  They tried so hard and I love them so much for that.  They made it further than the two who came after, but hopefully not as far as the two still to come.  I love all six of them still.  I love the one before that.  I’ve known about seven of my babies and the fact that five of them are gone is still so heartbreaking to think about.

These four years have taught me that you just can’t force things to happen.  When we moved into our first house, the house with the blue kitchen, I thought the IUIs were going to work.  I thought that stupid yellow bedroom would be full of baby stuff before long.  I got pregnant and then I wasn’t.  A year later, I painted it and we replaced the flooring.  I refinished my grandmother’s dresser.  I knit and sewed for my baby.  I was determined to build it and confident that they would come.  But they didn’t.

And then we were offered the chance to try IVF, so we sold our house and left all the memories that never came true with it.  We moved to North Carolina and I unpacked all of our baby things.  The IVF was going to work.  I lined our baby books up on the dresser.  I filled one whole drawer with hand knit and hand sewn booties and socks.  I filled another drawer with hand knit sweaters.  I hung the dress my great grandmother made in the closet.  A box held fabric swatches for bedding and curtains.  The baby tub my mom bought us sat on the closet shelf.  I was so sure this would be my baby’s first bedroom.

And then we found out our first IVF transfer worked.  I was pregnant and so thankful and so happy.  But then they died. Again.  And then our next transfer failed.  Our lease was up on that house.  So I packed up every stitch of baby.  Every piece of maternity clothing.  I packed away the larger jeans I bought because IVF made me gain so much weight.  I pulled out all of my extra IVF meds to send to friends who needed them.  I put it all in storage, far away from our interim house.  Out of sight, away from me.  If I don’t see it, it won’t make me cry.  If we don’t have a room for it, I won’t try to get it out.  I won’t sew for our baby anymore.  I won’t knit for someone who might never come.  I won’t buy another house with those thoughts in my mind.

A house does not the family make.  Family is intangible.  Family is who you love, even when they’re far away or not even on this earth anymore.  I love my babies with all my heart, but I can’t make room for them anymore.  I can’t keep putting my life on hold and live with the “what if’s”.  They aren’t here.  We are.  I want to cherish the life I have.  I don’t want reminders of what I don’t lingering behind closed doors.  So in storage it will all stay.  Away from here.  Maybe one days we’ll need it all for real.

Too Tired to Care

Dude, it’s over-emotional central over here.

It could be stemming from a number of things including… 1. We are almost finished with our last assisted cycle.  If this doesn’t work, the chance of us having our own kids is very slim.  2. One year ago tomorrow, we found out we were pregnant.  One year ago on Tuesday, we found out our baby had died.  3. There are so many artificial hormones floating through my body!!  4. I’m just exhausted.

There’s just a lot going on right now.

We’ve been looking more into adoption and, more recently, more into foster care.  I don’t know if I’m ready, or comfortable handing $10,000+ that I don’t have over for a baby.  The idea of buying a baby is still really bothering me and I can’t seem to shake it.  It’s probably still something we’ll do eventually, but I think we’re keeping our options open and hoping and praying that something good falls into our laps.  We could really use something good.

I’m just so tired of having to work so hard at something most people don’t even have to think about.  I want that weekend in Vegas baby.

Yesterday’s monitoring showed that I probably only ended up with 1 egg this time.  1 egg.  The rest of the follicles are still hanging out, getting bigger, and turning into cysts.  That’s so nice….  They did assure me that I have a wonderful ratio of estrogen to progesterone.  Although I’m not sure I care any more.  I’m just too tired.

Meanwhile the greyhounds got collar lights last weekend.  They now glow in the dark.  Love them.

IUI #6/3

I’m so over these injections.  Knowing that we’re almost done has not made doing them any easier.  One more gonal-f tonight and then a novarel tomorrow and then, cross your fingers, I’m done injecting hormones into my body.  YAY!

I went in for a follicle count and blood work today.  She found 5 follicles, but only one looked like it would be dominant.  I’m a little bummed out.  We decreased the meds in hopes that 6 follicles would go down to maybe 2 or 3 follicles, but it looks like one it is.  My estrogen came back at 374, so we definitely have 1 really solid follicle, maybe even a second by Friday.

Friday is IUI #6/3.  It will only be cycle day 11.  It’s rather early, but if follicles are ready, then they’re ready, right?

This seems to have gone fast, but the early IUI coupled with the fact that I’ve been done with a horrible cold since this past weekend is probably why.  I’ve heard it’s going around and with the huge number of different students I see on a daily basis, it’s not surprising that it got me.

What do I do when I’m sick?  Knit socks of course.  The socks that I started a couple weeks ago got finished up last night…

 

Find the pattern here.

You can also catch a glimpse of the new nursery floor and wall color in that picture.  I’ve been too sick and/or preoccupied to take good pictures of it so far.  I’ll get there eventually.  For now, I’d prefer to nap on my couch. 🙂

One Last Time

And the ultrasound was… clear!  

The only explanation is that the epic pain I’ve been in has been clearing my ovaries of cysts and leftover follicles.  I still feel bad.  I’m still dreading another cycle.  When she said they looked perfect, I wanted to cry.  But here we go.  One last time.  This is it.  It’s our one last shot.

We’re lowering the dose to 75 ius of gonal-f.  That will mean fewer follicles, but it will also mean healthier ovaries and maybe even a booster shot after the IUI.  The one month I actually got pregnant, I was on 75 units and got a booster 1 week post IUI.  Maybe that’s the magic combination.  112.5 obviously wasn’t doing it.

If this doesn’t work, we’re done medicating.  It means I’m done with injections and blood draws and ultrasounds.  It means I’m done worrying every day that it’s not going to work… or that it is.  We’ll move on to something new, but at least this mess will be over.  I’m not going to lie, I’m looking forward to the end.

If this doesn’t work, I’m ok.  We’ll be ok.  We’ll still have a family, it will just look different than we thought it would.  But we’ll still have a family.

Injections start tomorrow. Again.

33: Next…

IUI #5 didn’t work.  The extra cysts and swelling made for a very painful Sunday afternoon.  I’m thankful for the left over Tylenol-3’s I have from my lap.  I knew I saved them for a reason…

I don’t know what comes next.  We’re moving forward with our very last IUI.  I told Dr. B’s nurse that I wanted to decrease the gonal-f from 112.5 to 75 units.  I know I made 5 follicles and 6 follicles the past two cycles, but they’ve been beating the hell out of me in the process.  I’m swollen and sore from the day after my IUI until a couple days after my period starts every month.  Thus far, it hasn’t been worth it.  This past cycle, I may have produced 6 follicles, but only a couple of them actually produced eggs.  So my question for her is: what’s the point?

She’s going to chat with him and let me know when I go in for my baseline ultrasound tomorrow morning.  I’m even less certain than last month that my ovaries are clear of cysts.  I’m actually hoping for a month of birth control.  I feel really run down.  I know I could just take a month off myself, but I don’t want to give the endometriosis any extra opportunity to grow back.  AND I’m afraid if I stop, I’ll never be able to start again.

We also had to schedule a consultation appointment with Dr. B for the end of October in case this IUI also doesn’t work.  She didn’t tell me what it was for, but I’m assuming he’s going to tell us that if we’re not interested in moving forward with IVF then he can’t help us.  Bummer.

Now how about some pictures?  My posts have been very infertility treatment heavy lately… Say ‘hello’ to WHAT I KNIT THIS SUMMER! 😉

 

I made these for a friend who is pregnant with twin girls via IVF.  She’s almost 36 weeks and I’m so excited!!  The booties are cotton and fleece.  Find the sweater pattern here.

 

This is for our neighbors who just had a baby girl.  We really lucked out in the neighbor department. 🙂  Pattern found here.

And this is for my mom’s best friend’s new grand daughter.  She saw the sweaters I made for the twins and asked if I’d make her a sweater and booties.  I was excited to try this one in green though.  It gives it a much different feel than the pink ones.

Needless to day, a lot of baby knitting going on.  Considering I don’t normally knit in the summer, I feel like a got a surprising amount done.  I haven’t knit anything for myself recently, but I did start a pair of socks on Sunday.  I haven’t finished a pair of socks in over a year and I miss freshly knitted socks on my feet! 🙂

Other than that, not a lot is going on.  I’m working as much as I can because I’m planning on needing a good chunk of savings to adopt a baby…  It’s been nice to be so distracted though, so I can’t complain.

More after tomorrow’s ultrasound.

 

Someone hand me a baby!

Still waiting on the outcome of this cycle.  I don’t feel either excited or depressed.  I’m anxious to feel better again.  The cabergoline worked to an extent when it came to preventing the OHSS again.  The pain, while not good, was bearable and not nearly as bad as last month.  The swelling, however, hasn’t been helped.

I went in to Dr. B’s on Monday for bloodwork and ultrasound and, again, Sherry was really surprised by how swollen my poor ovaries are.  But what else is new?…  She did see, however, two distinct corpus luteums… lutea?  Which is what is left of the collapsed follicle after a woman ovulates.  It produces progesterone.  Other than when I had my lap, no one had ever mentioned seeing one of those on my ovaries before.  It was big and obvious and even I could see it on the screen.  Excellent.  Unfortunately, she also saw a few large follicles that didn’t ovulate.  Crossing my fingers they don’t turn into cysts.  But seeing both of the corpus lutea was great!

It was followed up by excellent hormone numbers for a cycle day 19 check.  My estrogen was still nice and high at 395 and my progesterone had rocketed up to 147 —  the highest it’s ever been.  While my estrogen isn’t as high as last cycle (900+), it’s much much higher than anything I had pre-lap.

The numbers, coupled with the corpus lutea, are excellent indicators of a beautiful ovulation and sustained uterine lining.  I wish it could tell us more.  It looks like we had at least 2 eggs this cycle.  Maybe more based on estrogen numbers.  But 2 is a fine number.  Much better than 6…

Symptoms-wise, my belly is swollen from the ohss and attracting stares if I don’t keep it under wraps…  Thankful, over the past few months, I’ve collected a nice variety of flowing shirts that hide a nonexistent pregnancy from the stares and questions of students.  I love them, but in their minds, I’m young and married and should be having babies… They’re waiting impatiently.  Meanwhile, they’re having babies before me…  Blech.

I’m more moody than I’ve ever been on a medicated cycle.  I’m venturing to guess that I’m even more moody than I was after 3 months of lupron.  Maybe not so weepy, but a lot more angry.  It’s irritating.

My boobs hurt again.  They’re always fairly painful after a novarel trigger.  Then it goes away and doesn’t come back.  They were uncomfortable for a couple days, and now they’re starting to hurt again.  That could just be pms.

My skin is clearing up.  I’ve never had such painful breakouts as I did this cycle.  I don’t know if it was the cabergoline or just the prolonged use of fertility meds, but it really hurt.  Progesterone supplements usually help clear my skin and over the last few days it’s finally clearing up.  I always breakout before my period starts though, so that will be a sign…

Other than that, I’m working a different, but not necessarily new, job as one of my supervisors is on a surprise maternity leave.  She just adopted a brand new baby.  I got to hold her on Monday and it was heavenly.  I don’t think I’ve held such a little baby since my niece was born 8 years ago.  I usually shy away from newborns, but knowing the struggle they went through to get her, I couldn’t help but snuggle her a little closer.  It made me realize how badly I want a baby.  Being pregnant is just a vehicle to get a baby.  I don’t really care how our baby comes to us anymore.  I’m realizing that a little more every day…

More this weekend. 🙂

The Cat’s Meow

Tonight, I swaddled my cat… The angry one.  I think it’s time for a baby… 😉

IUI #5 went as scheduled yesterday.  I stayed in bed afterwards because a different nurse did it and she really poked my uterus a few times.  Extensive cramping ensued and I couldn’t differentiate between that and OHSS symptoms, so staying in bed was the safest option.  

On Monday, they started me on 8 days of cabergoline because I’m obviously so predisposed to epically swollen ovaries.  I think it’s working, at least a little bit.  This time last cycle, I had my feet propped up on 8 pillows and could hardly breathe without my abdomen hurting.  Today, I only hurt if I’m on my feet for too long.

Nothing new to report other than that.  I start oral progesterone on Friday and go in Monday for a estrogen and progesterone check.  We have company in the form of my Grandmother and aunt coming early next week.  I’m looking forward to the distraction.

The cats like me again.  When I’m medicated, they steer clear of me during the first two weeks of my cycle.  They sleep next to Jeremy on his side of the bed.  The don’t beg me for food.  And they don’t want me to touch them.  As soon as I trigger though, they won’t leave me alone.  Someone is always sleeping next to me if I’m home.  Bella is always following me around begging for food.  Alice crawls into my lap at any given opportunity.  After the swaddling incident, which should have earned me a painful bite, Bella only hopped down, curled up next to me and started purring….  What?

I know there are cats that really like pregnant women, and I bet my cats will be no different.  It’s just amazing, however, that they can pick up on the big change in hormones I have.  They ❤ hCG.  Me too, little kittens, me too.  Let’s hope it continues…

IUI #5

Tomorrow is IUI #5…. And I have 6 follicles. Bleh.  The good news is that my estrogen is only 668, still higher than normal for me, but not indicative of 6 fully mature follicles.  We’re guessing 3 or 4 good ones, which is an excellent IUI number.

I’ve felt rather detached from this cycle.  I’m assuming its because we were so hopeful last cycle, but I’m not complaining.  I feel more relaxed going into this IUI than the last and I think that is good for my overall health and my reproductive health.

Physically, I’m really feeling the toll of having a high number of follicles two cycles in a row.  I’m exhausted and I don’t think it’s just the gonal-f.  I feel worn down.  I felt this way after we did two IUI’s in a row last fall.  It’s just a lot to put your body through without a break.

So, we’ll see how this goes.  Going to rock it tomorrow. 🙂

32: Fail

This cycle failed.  My 5 follicles, 900+ estrogen, excellent progesterone levels, and severe OHSS failed.  I failed.  I had a perfect cycle and I couldn’t do it.  We couldn’t have asked for anything more from this cycle.  

I feel so guilty and so horrible.  I feel like I’m never going to be able to do this.  

A big part of me is happy we chose not to pay for IVF.  I can’t imagine how guilty I would feel when that failed as well.

My heart hurts.  Everything hurts.  

Ultrasound tomorrow to make sure my ovaries are ok after so much swelling.  Birth control for a cycle if they’re not.

IUI #4/1

Welllll, IUI #4/1 is done!  It actually happened on Thursday, but things have just been a little busy.  Plus, the novarel trigger really knocked me on my butt.  I’m EXHAUSTED!  Not to mention, ovulating 5 eggs is a little painful.

For the first time ever, they had to warn us that we’re high risk for multiples (they estimated my estrogen was over 1000 — easily 4 mature follicles) and that Dr. B usually recommend selective reduction if there’s more than 3 babies.  Yikes.  Crossing fingers and toes that’s not a decision we’ll ever have to make.

Other than that, it seemed to go well.  I usually cramp like crazy during and after an IUI, this one, however, was surprisingly peaceful. 🙂  I’m thanking the lupron/lap for that.

I’m going to start testing out my trigger on Sunday when I start my progesterone supplements.  

How am I feeling now?  Remember last Halloween when I was on bedrest after IUI #2? I had managed to produce just 2 follicles, but had some pretty uncomfortable Ovarian Hyperstimulation.  Take a guess as to how great that’s going now with 5 follicles.  Yep.  It’s BBAAAAACKKK…. 😦  It hurts to move and to breathe.  They told me to stay off my feet and keep them propped up over the weekend.  Also, to go to the ER if I start to have trouble breathing.  YAY!   It’s just a bummer because OHSS is usually something that is mostly attributed to IVF.  I’m just one of the few lucky IUI OHSS cases.

No matter what, though, this has been our absolutely best shot yet.  We’re torn between being crazy, super hopeful and very very cautious.  I’m calling this IUI #4/1 because while it is our 4th IUI, it’s our 1st post endometriosis IUI.  

I’m 25 years old.  My body is clean of endometriosis.  I just produced 5 follicles and at least 4 of them were mature.  I have a ridiculously good chance of becoming pregnant with not 1, but multiple babies.  I think I have a right to be excited.  I’m working on it.

Off to drink my gatorade and keep these feetsies propped.  My pile of pillows is seriously 2 feet high…. 😉

** As a side note to anyone who reads this blog via facebook — Sometime next week I will stop posting blog posts to facebook in case this cycle works.  So, I would suggest that you hit “subscribe” and have these exciting posts delivered straight to your inbox.  🙂