Done and Done

WELLLLL, the IUI is done.  It’s been just over 24 hours.  Too early to test? Maybe? Yes?  😉

But in all seriousness, thanks so much for the comments yesterday.  I’m feeling cautiously positive.

Jeremy and I got up just before 6 am yesterday morning in order to get to Dr. B’s by 7.  We were both dragging our feet getting ready and ended up running out the door with barely enough time to make the 25 minute drive.  I think we were both a little apprehensive and a lot nervous about what the morning would bring.

After he did his thing, they told us to go to breakfast and be back in an hour or so.  I thought they were a little crazy for thinking we would be able to eat and think about anything other than what was going to get shoved up into my lady parts in an hour, but we actually had a surprisingly nice time at breakfast.  We haven’t had a ton of time lately to just sit and chat.  We’ve had so much company and so much going on with the house, that it was really nice to just have a few minutes to ourselves before things threatened to get crazy again.  I know I also needed the time to finish wrapping my head around what was about to happen.

When we got back to Dr. B’s, they got us right into the room and had me change.  I was expecting something way over the top, but the whole thing was so informal and so relaxed.  I needed that.  I needed them to act like this was normal and ok.  I needed to feel like I wasn’t a failure for having to go through with this.  And they definitely gave me that.

Now.  Things might get a little TMI, but since you’re reading a blog where I frequently talk about my lady parts, I’m going to assume you’re ok with that. 😉
Sooooo, in the speculum went.  Not comfortable when you’re just getting an exam, even more uncomfortable when you know what’s coming next.  Then the catheter.  Ugh.  She warned me before she started that I would probably feel some pressure and maybe a little bit of cramping when she was almost to the top of my uterus.  Almost as soon as she started the cramping was excruciating.  I was going to just go with it, but she decided that there might be something wrong and called another nurse in to do an ultrasound while she inserted the catheter.
They squirted the cold ultrasound gel onto my stomach and immediately found my uterus.  She inserted the catheter again and, like before, the cramping was awful.  The nurse doing the ultrasound told her to stop and pull the catheter back.  She had been hitting the top of my uterus with the catheter.  Multiple times.  Evidently, I have a really short uterus.  Ow.  Ow. Ow.  They told me that shouldn’t have any impact on my ability (or inability) to get pregnant.

BUT, they kept the ultrasound on and turned the screen towards us while the injected the “specimen” 😉 into my uterus.  It was just a blob of white, but it was actually really neat to be able to see that.

I was a little crampy off an on yesterday.  I ended up staying home from class, and am actually really happy I did.  Today, I’m still crampy and have had just a small touch of spotting.  I’m super tired, but that could just be from the excitement and stress.

I took Skill to the dog park earlier and we were both exhausted after walking the island for half an hour.  I’m going to focus on napping and making his winter coat and hat for the rest of the day.  I saw this picture before we got him and decided I HAVE to figure out the knitting pattern for this hat.
Her site is in Swedish, but even with after using google translate on the whole page, I didn’t see anything for the actual pattern.   Soooo, Skill and I are going to figure it out ourselves.  And it’s going to be adorable! 🙂
Other than that, we’re taking the weekend easy. It will be our first relaxed weekend since we’ve moved in.  Jeremy is cleaning the garage and I might bake something delicious.

Prometrium starts on Monday.  Does it make anyone else dizzy?  I’m going to start taking it at bedtime, because last month I looked like I was drunk 20 minutes after every pill… 😉

Mini Follicles

I’m getting ready to call shenanigans on Dr. B’s positivity in this cycle.

I went in for my CD 12 untrasound/blood work/post coital test this morning.  I’ve been having a lot of lower back pain and everything I’ve read said that usually means your follicles are growing nicely.  I was expecting to see a few 18mm+ follicles on the scan.  Just kidding…

She found 4 larger follicles, and by larger I mean 12 to 14 mm each.  Thanks for nothing, Gonal-F.  I had one that big at last month’s CD 13 appointment without meds.  Also, the post coital test revealed exactly zero mobile sperm…  Since Jeremy’s last  test was great, I’m going to assume my very hostile body is killing everything.  Isn’t that special?

The one thing that makes me think we might be moving in the right direction is that my estrogen level is double what it was at this time last month.  109.  Still way too low, but much much better than 53.  They’re not giving up the cycle yet.  I’ve got another box of Gonal-F and will continue with 75 units once a day through the weekend.  They’re going to scan everything again on Monday and go from there.  I’m wondering if Dr. B will be at all interested in converting to an IUI if Monday’s post coital is bad again.  The Gonal-F is starting to burn when it’s injected.  I’m hoping I just hit a nerve yesterday and that’s not going to be the norm.

I’m going to try not to think about it for the weekend.  My second cousin is going to be in town tomorrow for a few hours and we never get to see her, so it will be nice to spend some time together. 🙂  PLUSSSS, our closing date changed.  TO NEXT WEDNESDAY! Yes, they moved it up.  5 days and counting to home-ownership.  🙂  I booked our moving company today too.  We officially move into the new house two weeks from tomorrow.   Also, grad school starts on Wednesday.  Out. Of. Control.

In all honesty, this is probably the best time for a failed cycle to happen.  We’re so busy with moving and school and work that I haven’t had much time to think and obsess about what’s going on.  That’s what we pay Dr. B and the nurses to do.  I’m less invested in this cycle than I’ve ever been.  I’ll be disappointed, but I’ve got enough to focus on that it won’t be nearly as crushing as past cycles.  Unless we switch to an IUI and then all bets are off and I’ll probably fall apart.  You know.

Packing is well underway though… The cats are having panic attacks. 😉

Changes

My CD 20 monitoring appointment didn’t tell us anything good.  Except that my reproductive cycles are seriously messed up– which isn’t good.

On the ultrasound, they saw an 18mm follicle on my right ovary.  They were unhappy with both the size of the follicle (they want it to be around 21mm) and the day of my cycle.  My estrogen came back at 118 (they want to see 250-300).  Around day 14, not day 20.  I definitely haven’t ovulated yet.

The nurse called me yesterday and told me that normally they want patients to continue to try to get pregnant on unmedicated cycles, but they’re recommending that we stop trying this month.  They said if we somehow happened to get pregnant, with the small size of the follicle and my low estrogen, it probably wouldn’t end well.  Bummer.

I was hoping that Thursday was the end of our monitoring cycle, but since things are still changing in my body, they want to do one more blood draw and ultrasound next Friday to see if I managed to ovulate.  The following Monday, we’ll meet with Dr. B and discuss our options.

What are our options?  With how low my estrogen is, you’d think the clomid would have worked.  Instead it just gave me some monster follicles that turned into cysts.  I’m not doing any more research.  It’s not doing me any good.  I’m waiting until we see Dr. B.  I’m hoping he will come up with a kick ass treatment plan.  Or any treatment plan.

In other news, we close on our house in less than 3 weeks.  It’s going by WAY faster than I expected it to.  Probably because we have a lot of other stuff going on.  We spent one evening this past week exploring the river walk by our new house.  Aurora, IL  is built around the Fox River.  Aurora used to be a great hub for trading back in the day because boats could get up and down the river with relative ease.  The downtown sits directly on the riverbanks with lots of bridges connecting the east and west sides of the city.  I was born and, other than while I was away at school, lived on the west side my whole life.  Growing up, our schools were on the west side and most of our friends lived on the west side.  We never had much reason to leave the west side until now.  Our new house sits on the east side of the river in North Aurora.   We can walk to the river in less than 5 minutes, and the river walk there is gorgeous.  I was never a big fan of taking walks just for the sake of walking, but I’ve changed my mind.  I’m excited to take the dog there on walks and to eventually take our kids there on their bikes for an evening ride.

In my mind, this house represents a new beginning for us.  It’s giving me hope in our future and showing me that life will continue to move forward and not stay as stagnant as it feels right now.

Grad school starts in less than 3 weeks too.  There are a lot of changes coming up and I am more than ready for them. 🙂

Mantis Attack! ;)

The juicing is still going on.  I’ve lost 4 pounds so far and am definitely noticing that I have more energy.  I’m going to head to the gym tomorrow morning and see how it goes. =)

We’re still juicing for breakfast and lunch, but we’ve decided to eat raw fruits, veggies, and good proteins for dinner.  We grilled some chicken last night and added it to a spinach salad.  I think it was the best thing I’ve ever tasted. 😉  We also used the chive vinaigrette I posted about.  It was awesome!  I’m so glad I didn’t throw those flowers away.  They were beautiful and delicious! 😉  I might start dabbling more in homemade salad dressings so that we have more healthy options.

It’s been super nice here the past two days, so I’ve gotten out into the garden a couple times.  My sister and niece hatched some baby praying mantises (mantids, if you will) for me and brought them over on Sunday to get released into the garden.

When we were little, my dad found an adult praying mantis, who we named Fred.  Fred lived in a plastic tank in our sunroom and we fed him insects we found outside.  Then Fred laid some eggs. 😉 Oops.  Sorry, Fred.  But since there was no Mr. Fred, there weren’t any babies.  Fred lived with us longer than she would have in the wild and she was an awesome pet. 🙂  I always thought it would be neat to have another one, but insects make me a little more nervous than they did when I was 5.  When my sister asked if I wanted some for the garden, I was all over it.

Not even half of them will make it, but I counted 15 hanging out in the chamomile patch yesterday, which I think is a pretty good number.  They’re already bigger.  They’ll continue to molt until they reach their adult size, which could be bigger than Molly. 😉
 I saw a few earlier when I was planting this salvia for the butterflies and the bees.
 And, I put up a super basic trellis for the pickling cucumbers.  I wanted to try to grow them vertically this year since they really tried to take over last year.  The regular cucumbers aren’t big enough for a trellis yet, but these guys have little baby cucumbers all over. 🙂

Things are good around here for now.  I’m feeling good, and haven’t looked at a chart or a calendar in a week.  I don’t even know what cycle day it is.  It’s really nice.  I’m not nervous or stressed out like I usually am.  I’ve hardly even thought about making a baby this month.  Probably because I know it’s not going to happen.  I’m still ok with that though.  This has been a very much needed break that has me feeling a little more “normal” and a little more like me.

We had lunch with some friends over the weekend.  They had a baby in November and we hadn’t seen him yet.  I was pretty stressed out about it, but it turned out to be ok.  He was super cute and I can honestly say that I enjoyed him. 🙂
The most upsetting part about our lunch was being told that I’m different than I used to be.  It didn’t sound like a compliment.  I feel like I’m more of an adult than I was a year ago when we last spent time with them.  I feel that I’m more responsible and toned down.  I can honestly say that I’m far more equipped to handle a baby than I would have been a year ago.  It’s still sad to think that I’ve changed so noticeably into a different kind of person.  However, I’m more proud of myself than I used to be, so maybe it’s not so sad.

Also, Regina Spektor‘s new album came out yesterday.  She’s speaking to me. 😉  I’m awake, Regina, I’m awake!

Let’s Play Golf..

Not really.  Actually, I hate golf.

BUT, after 3 1/2 hours, an excruciating exam, and 2 ultrasounds (one that involved me getting up close and personal with the transvaginal ultrasound probe… shudder…), they finally found the cause of last weekend’s pain/ yesterday’s I thought I was dying pain.

I have a golf ball sized cyst on my right ovary.  A  freaking golf ball.  As in bigger than my actual ovary.

How big is an ovary normally?  For those of you that enjoy comparing things to food, it’s about the size of a greek olive.

If you can’t tell, this is really bothering me.  I know that clomid causes cysts.  That’s part of it’s job.  But this thing is huge and has overstayed it’s welcome.

What does this mean for this cycle?  I haven’t the slightest idea.  They did a pregnancy test at the hospital last night.  It was negative.  BUT they only did a urine test and I was only 8 days past ovulation.  I didn’t cry until I was getting the ultrasound done.  Because it hurt.  And I was angry.  This whole thing sucks.

Soooo, the prognosis is to keep an eye on it and hope it doesn’t rupture.  yay… I know there isn’t much they can do, but I feel like we didn’t need this.  What does this mean about next month’s cycle?  Is it safe to keep taking the clomid?
I’ve pretty much written off this month as a wash.  I got a tan in Texas out of it though, so I suppose it’s something.

The pain is better today, but it still hurts a lot.  I’m afraid to take anything stronger than a tylenol just in case.  Bella and Alice are keeping me company. ❤

Obligatory Infertile Mother’s Day Post.

I’m in a lot of pain today.  From my bellybutton down, it hurts.  My doctor pretty much told me to take a tylenol and suck it up.  And she wonders why I feel like she doesn’t take me seriously… 😉  I didn’t have pain like this last month, but if she tells me not to worry about it, I’m not going to.  I’m just going to lay on the couch and whine that I’m dying. 😛

Clomid, I’m going to punch you in the face.  With my fist.  Hard.

I was at Target with my sister this afternoon.  They put baby swimsuits right by the books.  They were really cute.  =/

I’m in a funk.  And I’m pretty sure it’s stemming from Mother’s Day.  Last year was irritating.  This year it feels unbearable.  I haven’t looked at cards.  I’ve only briefly thought about flowers.  If I can get away with hiding in bed all day on Sunday, I’ll count it as a day well spent.

Honestly?  I’m angry about Mother’s Day.  I’m angry that we can’t celebrate the way we should be celebrating.  I’m angry that I’m in so much pain right now.  I have zero faith in my reproductive system this month.  Probably because we got our hopes up so much last month.  I’m angry that I’m putting my body through this, but know I would be kicking myself if we didn’t try our hardest.  I went to freaking Texas so we could give it our best shot for goodness sake.  I’m angry that I don’t want to celebrate Mother’s Day because I have the best mother and mother-in-law a girl could ask for.

And I’m tired.  I’m so tired of thinking about this.  I’m so tired of being angry and sad.  I’m so tired of the constant roller coaster of emotions.  I’m so tired of beating my body up like this.

I would really really really like a glass of wine.  Or maybe a bottle.  But I can’t.  Because I’m a responsible infertile with another  10 days to wait.  fml.

Also, I currently weigh more than I’ve ever weighed in my life.  Clomid water weight or not, this is not improving my mood.

Home Again

I am home.  Finally.  And I plan on staying here for a good long while.  I enjoy traveling.  I enjoy seeing new places, people, and things.  But I really like how happy I always am to come home. 🙂  Especially after all of the traveling we’ve done lately.

 

 

I spent one last afternoon at the pool in Texas today.  I burned my boobs… 😦  It seems I managed to spray everywhere but right above, right below, and right between my bikini top… ouch.  Nothing a little aloe won’t fix.

 

 

And then Jeremy took me to the airport for my first ever flight alone (he has to stay in Texas until tomorrow or Friday 😦 ).  I’ve been to a lot of places, but I’ve never flown alone before.  I’m not going to lie, it was kind of nice.  I got through security after my very first full body scan and wandered to the bookstore because I ran out of books to read yesterday.  I bought the second book in the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy (have you read them?  I’m torn.  I’ll update when I’ve finished the series) and a decaf coffee.  Then I moseyed on over to my gate and sat down.  It was calm and I got to ignore everyone.  No, Jeremy, I’m not saying I want to start traveling alone.  But it’s nice to know that I can do it without much stress.

I sat by the window and read for a while.  The sun set while we were flying.  It was really pretty to watch from the air.

It was prettier in person…

And then we flew into Chicago in the dark.  It’s one of my favorite times to fly into Chicago.  I love Chicago at night.

All in all, it was a nice trip.  I relaxed, got a TON of reading done, and am 95% positive that I ovulated while I was gone. 🙂  That was the whole point to the trip after all.

I’m beasting this month… again… 😉

beasting.

 

 

Niagara Falls

We got home from Niagara Falls on Tuesday night.  It was an interesting vacation to say the least.  The weirdness was kind of prevalent our entire trip.  We walked ourselves into exhaustion every day, but I think we managed to have a good time.

The day we got there was nice.  It was sunny and you could see the falls.  I wasn’t in the best mood.  I’ll blame the clomid crazies… 😉

But our hotel room was just fabulous.  Thank you, Groupon. =)
Our jacuzzi  was huge, the shower was huge, the bed was huge (but hard).  Definitely the best hotel I’ve ever stayed in.

And then it got cold and rainy.  It didn’t really matter though because we were able to sport some impressive ponchos..

 Jeremy visited his first casino in Niagara Falls, New York.  Slot credits came with our Groupon.  I’m the penny slots master. 😉  We had a good time though.  We spent 3 hours goofing around the slot machines, drinking our free drinks, and spending someone else’s money.  It’s always more fun that way.

 I finished The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls while we were gone.  It’s been on my shelf for years and I just hadn’t gotten to it.  I read a news story last week that they’re talking to Jennifer Lawrence about the movie and thought I had better read it before the trailers ruin the story.  It was a fantastic book!  I definitely recommend it.  It drags a little here and there, but it’s a very interesting story. =)  It’s easy to put down and pick up, so it was a great vacation book.

All in all, I think it was a good trip.  Not our best trip.  But a good trip.  We were able to spend time together and have some fun.  That’s all that really matters.

Also, I left 2 of my clomids in Toronto.  Which means I only took 3 this cycle.  I beat myself up about it for a day or so and then decided there was nothing to be done.  3 is better than nothing, right?  RIGHT?!
Yet another, “DUH, Jess!” moment.  I have a lot of those these days.  Infertility brain.  Totally.

 We leave for Richardson, Texas on Sunday.  Jeremy got asked on a last minute business trip.  I wasn’t going to go until he pointed out that I should ovulate next week.  The world is against us this month…  So, I’m fighting my flying phobia for the sake of baby making… 😉   I actually think it will be more relaxing for me to go with in the long run.  Pool.  Books.  Knitting.  Sleeping.  Ovulating.

Toronto

Someone is enjoying being back in his hometown. 🙂

So after the weirdest first day of vacation I’ve ever had, we’re in Toronto and managed to have a good night’s sleep.  Between switching hotels, converting metric measurements, getting lost in downtown Toronto while completely exhausted, and a 4 am fire alarm the hotel, our vacation has been a memorable one so far. 😉
It’s definitely been an adventure.  We did, however, have the easiest border crossing we’ve ever experienced together.  Usually they give us a hard time because I’m American and he’s Canadian and I don’t have his last name.  But they let us right through.

And, for having taken 2 clomid so far in this cycle, I’m feeling great in comparison to last month.  I’ve had a little bloating, cramping, and disorientation, but I’m functioning well. 🙂  I took the advice of taking it at night, which I think is really helping.  I also wonder if knowing what to expect and having this  weird vacation to focus on have helped me handle it better.  Either way, I’m not complaining.  I’m so thankful for the few symptoms I do have. 🙂

We’re off to take Toronto by storm in a few minutes.  There’s a few neat textile stores I want to see.  And of course, the St. Lawrence Market is always a favorite. 🙂

16: The Facts of Life

1. I am 24 years old.

2.  I am not overweight.  I am not underweight.

3.  I don’t drink caffeine or alcohol.

4.  I eat generally healthy foods.

5.  I got married and I finished college.

6.  I love my husband very much.

7.  I take a prenatal vitamin every night.

8. I go to fertility acupuncture once a week.

9.  I have unexplained infertility.

10.  I feel like a failure.

11.  We’re getting ready to start our second round of clomid.

12.  I will be 25 before we have a baby.  I said the same thing last year about being 24.

13.  I have no idea what we’re doing wrong.

Ps.  Happy National Infertility Awareness Week.  Or something.