Too Tired to Care

Dude, it’s over-emotional central over here.

It could be stemming from a number of things including… 1. We are almost finished with our last assisted cycle.  If this doesn’t work, the chance of us having our own kids is very slim.  2. One year ago tomorrow, we found out we were pregnant.  One year ago on Tuesday, we found out our baby had died.  3. There are so many artificial hormones floating through my body!!  4. I’m just exhausted.

There’s just a lot going on right now.

We’ve been looking more into adoption and, more recently, more into foster care.  I don’t know if I’m ready, or comfortable handing $10,000+ that I don’t have over for a baby.  The idea of buying a baby is still really bothering me and I can’t seem to shake it.  It’s probably still something we’ll do eventually, but I think we’re keeping our options open and hoping and praying that something good falls into our laps.  We could really use something good.

I’m just so tired of having to work so hard at something most people don’t even have to think about.  I want that weekend in Vegas baby.

Yesterday’s monitoring showed that I probably only ended up with 1 egg this time.  1 egg.  The rest of the follicles are still hanging out, getting bigger, and turning into cysts.  That’s so nice….  They did assure me that I have a wonderful ratio of estrogen to progesterone.  Although I’m not sure I care any more.  I’m just too tired.

Meanwhile the greyhounds got collar lights last weekend.  They now glow in the dark.  Love them.

OHSS Continued

Nothing super new to report for the most part.  I’m still in a fair amount of pain off and on, though it’s a different kind of pain than it was.  It’s more of cramping pain and less of a stabbing pain.  I’m having a hard time differentiating between symptoms of a possible pregnancy and symptoms of the OHSS.  I feel a lot different than I did when I was pregnant before.  I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.

I still can’t be on my feet for very long before I start to really feel bad.  I’m managing a load of laundry here and there, and I’m thankful I can teach and study sitting down.  I’ve had a really light workload from my classes for the past 2 weeks, so that’s been a huge weight lifted as well.  I’ve been able to lay down when I need it and not worry so much about getting things done (although, I think there might be something growing on the dirty dishes in the sink… yikes..).

On a positive note, when they drew blood for a CBC last Thursday, they also decided to check my hormones just to see where they were.  I wasn’t supposed to start taking prometrium until Friday and my progesterone check wasn’t supposed to be until Monday.  BUT, my progesterone was already at 15 all by itself 4 days past the trigger shot. 🙂  My progesterone has never gone up on it’s own before.  I know having progesterone in your system isn’t indicative of a pregnancy, but it’s good to know my body can do some things naturally (you know, naturally if you don’t count all of the extra FSH shots and hcg trigger I had pumped my body full of).

I’m having weird dreams too.  Last night, I dreamed that Dr. B’s office didn’t tell us that we actually had 5 mature follicles.  I’m obviously subconsciously terrified of high order multiples.  Although, I don’t blame myself for it.  Twins?  Awesome.  Triplets?  Do-able, maybe.  Quads or more?  No, thank you..  One or two would be just right. 🙂
I also had dinner with President Obama.  He asked for my advice on something super top secret and important.  😉  But that could have been because we stayed up ridiculously late waiting for his speech last night. 😉

Skill has been keeping me excellent company for the past week.  After we lost the baby, Jeremy lifted his “no dogs in the bed” rule.  The new rule is that Skill has to be invited onto our bed, he isn’t allowed to sleep in our bed at night, and he has to get down if one of us is feeling crowded.  It’s been so nice to have company while I’ve been feeling so bad.  The cats are great, but they usually do their own thing for most of the day.  Skill is always with me and is always totally down with all of the lounging.

Today is 9 days past IUI #2.  In less than a week, we’ll know if it worked.  I’m ready for this cycle from hell to be over one way or another.

IUI #2

Things went smoothly yesterday morning.  Much more so than last time.  I was able to remind her that about my short uterus, so there was no jabbing with the catheter this time.  Our “sample” only contained 3 million (they want to see 90 million), but 91% were forward moving (50% is normal).  They checked Jeremy for a hormone problem, but everything came back normal.  It only takes one, right?  He’s started taking CoQ 10 plus his multivitamin, so hopefully things will look better for the next IUI.

I start progesterone on Friday and go back in for an ultrasound and blood work on Monday.  I’ve had some cramping off and on and my uterus just feels tired.  I think I’ve slept for 18 of the past 24 hours.  I’m definitely not feeling 100% after this IUI.  But it could be the IUI, ovidrel, and 2 follicles combined.  I also tend to sleep more when I’m stressed out.  And I’m definitely stressed out.

We carved pumpkins at my mom’s on Sunday.  It was a nice distraction.  Skill came too. 😉

I interviewed for a tutoring position at our local community college’s Upward Bound Program a couple weeks ago.  I got the position and I start today.  I’ll be at a local high school working with seniors on their college application essays.  It’s only 4 hours a week, but it will give me more experience working with high school students.  I’m really looking forward to it.  🙂

No new updates other than that.  It will be a long 2 weeks before we find anything out.  Just trying to stay busy now.

22: It Existed

The world doesn’t end when you lose a baby.  I know I’ve read blog posts that are eerily similar to how I’m feeling right now.  I feel like I’m stuck between grief and the real world, but I’m the only one who’s in this place.  Life doesn’t stop.  Part of me wants to scream and make it slow down and acknowledge this horrible loss; to acknowledge that this child existed even for this short amount of time.  It doesn’t matter that it was only 4 weeks and 5 days old.  It doesn’t matter that it was probably just an embryo.  It existed.  It was our baby.

Another part of me wants to throw myself into life.  Into classes, into trying again.  Part of me wants to move on and move forward.  I’ve ordered my Gonal-F for this next cycle.  Dr. B agreed to double my dose.  112.5 units will be injected into my stomach on Saturday.  And then again on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday.  The only thing I can do to for this baby is to move forward and try to be as happy as I can.

I am and always have been an impatient person.  It has always driven my family crazy.  It drives Jeremy crazy all the time.  But a few weeks ago,  Jeremy told me that he thinks in this instance, my impatience is a blessing.  It allows me to start again each month and to push for more.  After this month especially.  We got so close.  We made a baby.  We can do it again.  I can’t stop and wait right now.  If I do, I might be afraid to ever try again.

I’m trying not to feel guilty.  I’m trying not to feel like I’m doing our baby an injustice, that I’m trying to replace him.  I’m trying to believe that something wonderful is right around the corner.

I found this poem yesterday.  If you’re super hormonal right now, don’t read it.  Unless you want a good cry, then definitely read it.  It makes me sad, but it’s also comforting at the same time.  And it makes me feel a little less guilty about moving forward.

Done and Done

WELLLLL, the IUI is done.  It’s been just over 24 hours.  Too early to test? Maybe? Yes?  😉

But in all seriousness, thanks so much for the comments yesterday.  I’m feeling cautiously positive.

Jeremy and I got up just before 6 am yesterday morning in order to get to Dr. B’s by 7.  We were both dragging our feet getting ready and ended up running out the door with barely enough time to make the 25 minute drive.  I think we were both a little apprehensive and a lot nervous about what the morning would bring.

After he did his thing, they told us to go to breakfast and be back in an hour or so.  I thought they were a little crazy for thinking we would be able to eat and think about anything other than what was going to get shoved up into my lady parts in an hour, but we actually had a surprisingly nice time at breakfast.  We haven’t had a ton of time lately to just sit and chat.  We’ve had so much company and so much going on with the house, that it was really nice to just have a few minutes to ourselves before things threatened to get crazy again.  I know I also needed the time to finish wrapping my head around what was about to happen.

When we got back to Dr. B’s, they got us right into the room and had me change.  I was expecting something way over the top, but the whole thing was so informal and so relaxed.  I needed that.  I needed them to act like this was normal and ok.  I needed to feel like I wasn’t a failure for having to go through with this.  And they definitely gave me that.

Now.  Things might get a little TMI, but since you’re reading a blog where I frequently talk about my lady parts, I’m going to assume you’re ok with that. 😉
Sooooo, in the speculum went.  Not comfortable when you’re just getting an exam, even more uncomfortable when you know what’s coming next.  Then the catheter.  Ugh.  She warned me before she started that I would probably feel some pressure and maybe a little bit of cramping when she was almost to the top of my uterus.  Almost as soon as she started the cramping was excruciating.  I was going to just go with it, but she decided that there might be something wrong and called another nurse in to do an ultrasound while she inserted the catheter.
They squirted the cold ultrasound gel onto my stomach and immediately found my uterus.  She inserted the catheter again and, like before, the cramping was awful.  The nurse doing the ultrasound told her to stop and pull the catheter back.  She had been hitting the top of my uterus with the catheter.  Multiple times.  Evidently, I have a really short uterus.  Ow.  Ow. Ow.  They told me that shouldn’t have any impact on my ability (or inability) to get pregnant.

BUT, they kept the ultrasound on and turned the screen towards us while the injected the “specimen” 😉 into my uterus.  It was just a blob of white, but it was actually really neat to be able to see that.

I was a little crampy off an on yesterday.  I ended up staying home from class, and am actually really happy I did.  Today, I’m still crampy and have had just a small touch of spotting.  I’m super tired, but that could just be from the excitement and stress.

I took Skill to the dog park earlier and we were both exhausted after walking the island for half an hour.  I’m going to focus on napping and making his winter coat and hat for the rest of the day.  I saw this picture before we got him and decided I HAVE to figure out the knitting pattern for this hat.
Her site is in Swedish, but even with after using google translate on the whole page, I didn’t see anything for the actual pattern.   Soooo, Skill and I are going to figure it out ourselves.  And it’s going to be adorable! 🙂
Other than that, we’re taking the weekend easy. It will be our first relaxed weekend since we’ve moved in.  Jeremy is cleaning the garage and I might bake something delicious.

Prometrium starts on Monday.  Does it make anyone else dizzy?  I’m going to start taking it at bedtime, because last month I looked like I was drunk 20 minutes after every pill… 😉

The Looming IUI

The past ten days have been so crazy busy…

It’s been a… greyhound smooching, long dog walking, presentation giving, epic cleaning, baking, ultrasound getting, cooking, Ikea shopping, family gathering, Grandmother hosting, church going, medication injecting, fireplace snuggling, coffee drinking, IUI scheduling, dog coat making, follicle growing, winter clothes wearing… week and a half. 🙂

Skill came home over a week ago, and it almost seems like he’s always lived here.  He’s probably one of the very best things we could have done for ourselves.  He’s a million times more effective than therapy and a million times cuter.  He’s the least demanding dog I’ve ever met.  He’s so relaxed and docile that it’s easy to forget he’s there.  He sleeps close to 20 hours a day, but he always makes sure he’s snoozing in the same room I’m in, so I’m never completely alone.  He loves Jeremy and I completely and I didn’t think we could love a dog as much as we love him already.  He’s sweet and affectionate and is happy to just be around us.  He sleeps on our bedroom floor straight through the night and is almost completely indifferent towards the cats.  The cats warmed up to him after only a few days and now happily curl up in bed with us despite him being just a few feet away.

Our family feels good.  I feel somewhat content for the first time in years.  I don’t know if it will last, but I’m so happy and thankful for this goofy and sensitive dog. 🙂

In other news, my grandmother and aunt came to visit this weekend and stayed with us.  It’s the first overnight company we’ve had here and the first time I’ve ever hosted a family gathering.  It was such a nice weekend. 🙂  We chatted and baked and cooked and shopped and just spent time together.

It was all a welcome distraction from our upcoming IUI.  Thursday’s day 8 ultrasound found a lot of little follicles, but nothing dominant.  My estrogen was at 50.  Today’s day 12 ultrasound found one 18mm follicle.  Just one again.  I’m a little bummed out, but Dr. B said he’d rather see one good sized follicle with good estrogen, than two ok sized follicles splitting the estrogen.  I don’t even know if I have the energy to care really.  Between having company all weekend and the Gonal-f injections, I’m wiped out.  I don’t think I even have the emotional energy to invest in this cycle.  I’m just going to do what they tell me to do for now and see what happens.  We’ve never tried an IUI before and the Gonal-f is working — I have a large follicle and estrogen levels to prove it.

I go back for more blood work and an ultrasound on Wednesday morning.  They’re aiming for Thursday or Friday for the IUI.  Jeremy offered to take the whole day off, which I’m incredibly thankful for.  We might not be making a baby the old fashioned way, but at least he’ll be in the room when it happens and with me afterwards.

I’m taking the week easy and catching up on homework and actual work.  School is going alright.. sort of.  But that’s for another post.

21: Staying Focused

Just kidding again!! Isn’t it funny how easily I can jinx myself. 😉  I woke up at 5:30 yesterday morning feeling a little crampy.  I was awake, so I thought I’d just slip into the bathroom and pee on a stick.  I waited the 3 minutes and was eyeballing the single line trying to find some trace of a second when my period started.  Oh, the timing…

Yesterday was hard, but having things to look forward to and work on really really helped.  Jeremy took the morning off and not being all alone like I usually am really helped too.

Dr. B’s office called yesterday afternoon to tell me to start injecting 75 units of Gonal-F again, but this time we’re starting on day 5 instead of 8.  She made sure I was clear on that and casually threw in that Dr. B wants to try an IUI this cycle.  I squeaked out an “Ok” and managed to hold off on a mild panic attack until I was off the phone.
I know I’ve been pushing for an IUI, but now that it’s here, now that it’s something we really and truly need… I’m terrified.  It’s really scary to me that my body is so screwed up.

Jeremy was pushing to take this cycle off, and while part of me wonders if that would be a good idea, there are some facts I can’t ignore and all of them have to do with insurance deductibles and coverage.  We’ve met certain deductibles already and I lose my primary form of insurance on my birthday.  So it’s all too obvious that getting pregnant before I turn 25 in December would save us a lot of money.  I hate that we have to think that way, but we have to be realistic and responsible about this.

So we’ll be paying for this IUI mostly out of pocket and, while I’ll be praying it works and I never have to think about it again, we’ll know the next one or two will be 100% covered.  And that makes me feel a little bit better about things.

Things I’m not ok with? One follicle.  This past cycle on Gonal-F, we ended up with 1 decently sized follicle.  I’m not ok with that when it comes to an IUI.  I’m aware it only takes one egg, but so far, one egg hasn’t been cutting it.  Dr. B is SOOOO conservative, which I appreciate… to an extent.  We may need to have a discussion..

Finally…. how painful is an IUI? Do you usually feel just fine afterwards?  Should I clear my day just in case?

Skill will be here to stay in less than 11 hours.  I’m hanging curtains in the family room today and fertilizing the vinca.  I’m aiming for a very chill day. 🙂

Ps.  I’m LOVING the cool weather.

Hesitant Updates…

I’ve been so hesitant to post anything fertility related lately, because it seems like every time I post something hopeful, my period starts just a few hours later…  BUT, I wanted to give an update because I’ll probably be a little out of touch this next weekend.

Tomorrow morning is our official test date.  I’ve been tempted to cheat all week, but I chickened out.  I would have taken one this morning, but I had to leave the house at 6:30 and knew I wouldn’t be home until 9:30 tonight.  I didn’t want to find out and then have a day like that.  So we decided to listen to Dr B and wait until tomorrow, which will be day 32 (14 or 15 days past ovulation) of my cycle.  If you remember, last cycle wasn’t even 24 days, so this is an improvement.   I’m still taking progesterone twice a day, and I still hate it.

I’m suddenly breaking out like a teenager (which didn’t make me feel better about starting my high school observations today…), and am more bloated than I’ve ever been– but surprisingly, I don’t feel bad really.  I just feel really tired.  Most of the time.

But, we’re going through life right now assuming this isn’t going to be our month.  We’ve been too busy and I’ve been too active.  We haven’t talked about any “What if’s” and I haven’t really looked at anything baby related for a couple weeks.  I don’t think I’ll be devastated when this cycle doesn’t work.  Keeping busy really is helping.

School is feeling overwhelming– getting back into the swing of things is harder than I expected.  Unpacking is getting there, but slowly due to school and being exhausted.  PLUS, Skill is coming home on Friday evening!  So we’ve been prepping and getting ready for him.  We’ve bought almost everything we need for him and are just waiting on a few things to come in the mail.

I won’t leave you hanging if we get a positive tomorrow or Friday.  But if you don’t hear from me, assume I’m off spending quality time with our new family member and have nothing exciting to report. 🙂

Moving Day is Tomorrow!

Yikes! Where have I been?  Out of control…  The movers come tomorrow afternoon, the house is move-in ready as of 1 am this morning, we go meet our greyhound tomorrow morning, and my uterine lining/progesterone levels are holding strong.

Not too shabby for the past week. 🙂  We spent a crazy amount of time getting this house ready over the long weekend.  Painting and cleaning and carpet cleaning and jungle patio overhauls ensued.  I know I overdid it, but such is life.  I haven’t gotten pregnant so far by taking it easy.  I am, however, taking it easier this week.  I’m feeling tired more easily and I’m far more emotional.  I’m resting when I need it and trying to get some extra sleep.

My mom and step dad and Jeremy’s parents helped us a lot, which was a gigantic relief.  Jeremy’s parents helped with all of the high VOC painting so I could stay away from the fumes, and my mom and step dad whipped our patio into something just beautiful after the previous owners let it turn into the Jungle Book over the summer.

We met some of our neighbors and they’re all so nice.  They’re all older than we are, but we kind of expected that.  They all just seem to be happy that someone bought the house and is starting to take care of it again.  We’re really enjoying watching the house transform into something loved and well cared for.  The longer we spend there and the more projects we do, the more we love the house and can’t wait to make it into the perfect home for our family.  I can see us living in this house for years and years to come, changing and improving things along the way.

It’s two blocks from the elementary school, two blocks from the river walk, and still nice and close to both of our families.  It has plenty of room for visitors and plenty of options to change as our family grows.

How are things on the family front?  We are 8 days past ovulation.  I’ve been taking prometrium supplements twice a day since Sunday.  My uterine lining looks good.  We’re at cycle day 26.  Farther than last month, still a few days to go.  I’ve been a little crampy off and on for the past couple days.  Nothing super painful, just uncomfortable.  It usually stops when I lay down.  I’ve also lost 4 pounds in the past week.  I know I’ve been really active, but I’ve also been eating like a horse, so I’m not sure what that means.

Dr. B doesn’t want me to test until Thursday… I don’t know if I can hold out that long.  I’ll definitely be waiting until early next week though.  I’m terrified that the oviderel will still be in my system and I’ll get a very very false positive.  I don’t have a good feeling about this cycle though.  I have a feeling my period will start before I get a chance to test.

Today, I’m going to finish packing and day dream about picking our greyhound tomorrow. 🙂

Mini Follicles

I’m getting ready to call shenanigans on Dr. B’s positivity in this cycle.

I went in for my CD 12 untrasound/blood work/post coital test this morning.  I’ve been having a lot of lower back pain and everything I’ve read said that usually means your follicles are growing nicely.  I was expecting to see a few 18mm+ follicles on the scan.  Just kidding…

She found 4 larger follicles, and by larger I mean 12 to 14 mm each.  Thanks for nothing, Gonal-F.  I had one that big at last month’s CD 13 appointment without meds.  Also, the post coital test revealed exactly zero mobile sperm…  Since Jeremy’s last  test was great, I’m going to assume my very hostile body is killing everything.  Isn’t that special?

The one thing that makes me think we might be moving in the right direction is that my estrogen level is double what it was at this time last month.  109.  Still way too low, but much much better than 53.  They’re not giving up the cycle yet.  I’ve got another box of Gonal-F and will continue with 75 units once a day through the weekend.  They’re going to scan everything again on Monday and go from there.  I’m wondering if Dr. B will be at all interested in converting to an IUI if Monday’s post coital is bad again.  The Gonal-F is starting to burn when it’s injected.  I’m hoping I just hit a nerve yesterday and that’s not going to be the norm.

I’m going to try not to think about it for the weekend.  My second cousin is going to be in town tomorrow for a few hours and we never get to see her, so it will be nice to spend some time together. 🙂  PLUSSSS, our closing date changed.  TO NEXT WEDNESDAY! Yes, they moved it up.  5 days and counting to home-ownership.  🙂  I booked our moving company today too.  We officially move into the new house two weeks from tomorrow.   Also, grad school starts on Wednesday.  Out. Of. Control.

In all honesty, this is probably the best time for a failed cycle to happen.  We’re so busy with moving and school and work that I haven’t had much time to think and obsess about what’s going on.  That’s what we pay Dr. B and the nurses to do.  I’m less invested in this cycle than I’ve ever been.  I’ll be disappointed, but I’ve got enough to focus on that it won’t be nearly as crushing as past cycles.  Unless we switch to an IUI and then all bets are off and I’ll probably fall apart.  You know.

Packing is well underway though… The cats are having panic attacks. 😉