Everything is going to be ok.

Thank you for your kind words after last post.  

I think we’re doing better.  I know I’m doing better.  

I scheduled an appointment with Dr. M on September 10th.  While they told me I could get going on the last transfer right away, I asked if it would be ok if we took some time off.  Indefinitely.  Yes, we still have 2 embryos.  Yes, we still desperately want children.  No, we’re not going to work on adopting in the meantime.  No, we won’t be trying naturally.  I’ve been given the go ahead to stay on birth control until we decide that we’re ready to use our last 2 embryos.  I’m thankful they’re ok with this because I’m pretty sure the endometriosis I spent all of last summer battling has returned and is starting to make my life miserable again.  Birth control is my friend.  I will tell you that popping a birth control pill and a prenatal vitamin every night is it’s own kind of special weirdness.

Jeremy is hoping I’ll be ready to try again by the end of the year because we’ve met our out of pocket max on our health insurance this year.  If we transfer before December 31, we’ll only pay our normal clinic fee and meds, ultrasound, blood work, and transfer will be covered.  Part of me hopes I’ll be ready by then too, but a larger part of me knows I need more time than that.  

I don’t have any faith in these embryos or in my body and that’s not how I want to move forward with them.

With all that being the case, it is time for me to get out of the house.  I’ve been home and waiting for something to happen for the past 8 1/2 months.  I’ve been getting more and more antsy and anxious as time has gone on.  I’m not a homebody.  I like seeing people for the most part.

I mentioned I had an interview last week.  I got the job!  I start next Wednesday and I’m so excited.  I’ll work anywhere from 16 to 30 hours a week.  It will probably be closer to 30 as we get closer to the holidays.  It’s with a small custom fabric printing company.  I can’t wait.  I wish I could have started this past week.  This is just what I need to get out of the funk that I’m in.  I’m more than ready to settle into this company and enjoy my life as it is right now.  No doctors, no medication, no extreme ups and downs, no more wasted time.  I am sad that we’re putting our family aspirations on hold, but my hope is that by the time we both feel ready to try again, we’ll be able to afford to either adopt or buy a house depending on the outcome.  

I’m only 26.  My mom had me at 31 and adopted my sister a couple years after that.  “We have time” has become my mantra.  We have time.  We have time.  We have time.  And everything is going to be ok.

A New Normal

On Sunday morning, I made my way into Raleigh with my husband and mother- and father-in-law in tow to get my first beta of my second transfer.  I was so nervous that I was making myself just sick to my stomach.

We had some time to kill between the 8am blood draw and when church started so we grabbed breakfast.  I checked my clock and checked my clock and checked my clock.  They said they’d call by noon.

Walking into church was a relief.  It was a needed and welcome distraction.  I said “Hello” to a few different people and sat down to just breathe.  Not 5 minutes into church my phone vibrated that I had a voicemail.  It hadn’t even rung.  I walked out to listen to the message that told me that my gut had been right.  There was zero hcg present in my blood.  There was no baby.  The embryos had died somewhere between transfer and then.  The doctor who left the message was so compassionate and so sweet.

I took a few minutes and thought I had myself composed enough to walk back in.  I made it to my seat and then I couldn’t hold back the tears.  I’m thankful our church has a VERY long worship time at the beginning of each Sunday.  The loud music kept me from being too conspicuous.  By the time the sermon started, I had pulled it together.

Since then, I’ve been mostly fine.  As long as no one asks how I am.  I’m not ok with this.  But I have accepted it.

Jeremy and I have talked a lot about when to do our final transfer and we both agree that taking a bit of time off is probably the best course of action for now.  This last transfer was so emotional.  It was so hard to deal with from start to finish.  I may have been healthier physically for this transfer, but I was not healthier emotionally.  I need to get my body and my emotions in check before we do this last transfer.  These last 2 embryos are our last shot at biological children and I owe them the very best chance at life.

So I will continue going to the gym and strengthening my body.  I will work on my emotions and my faith.  My faith has been both shattered and strengthened in these past few weeks, if that’s possible and makes sense.  I will try to return to some kind of normalcy.  My life has been so up in the air since we moved to North Carolina.  That needs to change.  Our track record tells me that I won’t be pregnant or be having a baby any time soon.  It’s time to find a new normal.  A normal that works for our family as it is right now.  If and when our family moves from 2 humans, 2 dogs, and 2 cats to 3 humans, 2 dogs, and 2 cats then our normal will adapt and change with it.

I have a job interview tomorrow.  I applied on Sunday, just a few hours after negative beta and got an interview invite on Monday.  It’s part time, but seems exactly like the kind of job I need right now.  I’m hoping and praying this is the beginning of my new normal.

Negative Nancy

I am not in a good place.  Well, actually, I’m in a better place than I was last night and this morning, when the most I could manage was staring at the ceiling and sobbing.  Yea.  I suppose right now, I’m resigned.

I don’t think this transfer worked.  Last transfer, I knew I was pregnant 5 days post transfer.  I felt pregnant.  I felt so positive.

This time, 6 days post transfer, there’s no hint of a second line and I feel so not pregnant it’s ridiculous.  Even though I’m still taking all of my medications, my progesterone tummy has started going away.  My boobs don’t hurt.  I’ve finally started sleeping again.  Food doesn’t have more or less appeal than normal.  Other than wanting to cry constantly because I’m just so gosh darn sad,  I feel like I did before I started my transfer meds.  And it sucks.

I know every pregnancy is different.  I’ve heard it from everyone already.  I know I don’t necessarily want to feel like I did last time, because look how that turned out.  I know.  I know it’s still somewhat early.  But I can’t help but feel that there’s no little person inside of me.  My gut feeling is telling me that there’s nothing there.

I’m a hot mess.  Thank goodness for Jeremy and that he works from home these days.  Being alone while we wait for the end of this would be so incredibly brutal.

Beta is Sunday morning.

Embryos are Transferred!

We got up this morning and went for an easy hike.  It was a nice time to spend with my husband and our hounds.  It was nice to be outside and moving before transfer.  It helped with my stress levels to just be active.

And then I took a valium and we were on our way to the clinic.  Last time, I was trying not to throw up on our way to transfer, but this time it seemed to be a lot easier to remain calm.  I convinced myself that if anything was wrong with the embryos we would have heard by then.

They took us back pretty quickly.  This time we both got to change into gowns.  We both had hair nets and booties. 🙂  And then they showed us our embryos.  The first two THAWED PERFECTLY!!!  Which means we still have 2 frozen. 🙂  I can’t be more thankful and more relieved.  Also, I’m pretty sure I was given a higher dose of valium this time. 😉

We were so impressed with the facility and professionalism at UNC today.  The doctor was gentle and positive.  The nurses were compassionate and helpful.  The embryologist was thorough and cautious. The OR was super modern, clean and impressive.

The whole experience was a million times better than the last time at the last clinic.  I feel so much more calm and relaxed this time.

No bedrest this time.  I’m supposed to take it easy today, but I can go back to being active tomorrow.  The nurse said I could be as active as I feel comfortable with.  I think I’m going to stick to brisk walking and easy hiking.  No weights, yoga, or running for now.

Beta #1 is Sunday, August 10th.  Please pray for these two goldfish. We have so much hope for them. <3<3