FET-astic

I know I’ve been fairly quiet over the past 2 weeks since we found out about our embryos.  Nothing has been keeping me from blogging really, other than the desire to just not think about anything fertility related for a while.  Other than popping a birth control pill at night before I went to bed, it’s been fairly smooth.  We still talked about the embryos everyday.  I still thought about them all the time, but I thought I should take advantage of not thinking about IVF for a while.  I’ve done some baby knitting, a bit of baby pinning, and a lot of baby dreaming.  In my mind, I’ve been skipping straight over the transfer and right to both pregnancy and beyond.

It wasn’t until last night that the thought of the FET (frozen embryo transfer) started to fill me with terror.  It was the same terror that IUIs used to fill me with. But worse.  Terror that it won’t work.  Terror that my body might kill all 6 of these babies.  Terror that if all 6 die then it will be completely my fault.

It seems silly and unfounded.  Before we moved to North Carolina, we were all ready to start an adoption.  We were all in.  And now, it sounds terrifying.  I think it might be because before, we chose adoption over IVF.  We chose to spend our money on an adoption.  I wonder now if choosing to forgo IVF was my way of protecting myself.  If IVF doesn’t fail, then my body hadn’t failed completely. If we skip it, that guilt wouldn’t enter the picture.  And then IVF plopped itself into our laps and it was too good to pass up…

If you can’t tell, I’m really struggling with guilt these days.  And I know I shouldn’t.  I know we still have 6 beautiful embryos frozen a few miles away.  I know I’m being premature and worrying about the what-ifs.  I know I would be perfectly happy with adopting a beautiful baby if this doesn’t work.  It’s the process of getting through this that’s really giving me trouble.

But we have to get through this before we’ll know what the future holds for our family.

Our FET cycle #1 is starting.  Today is cycle day 2.  Today, I started my estrogen injections (Mondays and Fridays), my lovenox injections (daily), baby aspirin (daily), and started using my estring ring.

My blood work came back with my estrogen a 6.0 and my uterine lining at a 2.  I’ve got a great, fresh base to work off of.

Projected FET date: March 20!!

Too Tired to Care

Dude, it’s over-emotional central over here.

It could be stemming from a number of things including… 1. We are almost finished with our last assisted cycle.  If this doesn’t work, the chance of us having our own kids is very slim.  2. One year ago tomorrow, we found out we were pregnant.  One year ago on Tuesday, we found out our baby had died.  3. There are so many artificial hormones floating through my body!!  4. I’m just exhausted.

There’s just a lot going on right now.

We’ve been looking more into adoption and, more recently, more into foster care.  I don’t know if I’m ready, or comfortable handing $10,000+ that I don’t have over for a baby.  The idea of buying a baby is still really bothering me and I can’t seem to shake it.  It’s probably still something we’ll do eventually, but I think we’re keeping our options open and hoping and praying that something good falls into our laps.  We could really use something good.

I’m just so tired of having to work so hard at something most people don’t even have to think about.  I want that weekend in Vegas baby.

Yesterday’s monitoring showed that I probably only ended up with 1 egg this time.  1 egg.  The rest of the follicles are still hanging out, getting bigger, and turning into cysts.  That’s so nice….  They did assure me that I have a wonderful ratio of estrogen to progesterone.  Although I’m not sure I care any more.  I’m just too tired.

Meanwhile the greyhounds got collar lights last weekend.  They now glow in the dark.  Love them.

33: Next…

IUI #5 didn’t work.  The extra cysts and swelling made for a very painful Sunday afternoon.  I’m thankful for the left over Tylenol-3’s I have from my lap.  I knew I saved them for a reason…

I don’t know what comes next.  We’re moving forward with our very last IUI.  I told Dr. B’s nurse that I wanted to decrease the gonal-f from 112.5 to 75 units.  I know I made 5 follicles and 6 follicles the past two cycles, but they’ve been beating the hell out of me in the process.  I’m swollen and sore from the day after my IUI until a couple days after my period starts every month.  Thus far, it hasn’t been worth it.  This past cycle, I may have produced 6 follicles, but only a couple of them actually produced eggs.  So my question for her is: what’s the point?

She’s going to chat with him and let me know when I go in for my baseline ultrasound tomorrow morning.  I’m even less certain than last month that my ovaries are clear of cysts.  I’m actually hoping for a month of birth control.  I feel really run down.  I know I could just take a month off myself, but I don’t want to give the endometriosis any extra opportunity to grow back.  AND I’m afraid if I stop, I’ll never be able to start again.

We also had to schedule a consultation appointment with Dr. B for the end of October in case this IUI also doesn’t work.  She didn’t tell me what it was for, but I’m assuming he’s going to tell us that if we’re not interested in moving forward with IVF then he can’t help us.  Bummer.

Now how about some pictures?  My posts have been very infertility treatment heavy lately… Say ‘hello’ to WHAT I KNIT THIS SUMMER! 😉

 

I made these for a friend who is pregnant with twin girls via IVF.  She’s almost 36 weeks and I’m so excited!!  The booties are cotton and fleece.  Find the sweater pattern here.

 

This is for our neighbors who just had a baby girl.  We really lucked out in the neighbor department. 🙂  Pattern found here.

And this is for my mom’s best friend’s new grand daughter.  She saw the sweaters I made for the twins and asked if I’d make her a sweater and booties.  I was excited to try this one in green though.  It gives it a much different feel than the pink ones.

Needless to day, a lot of baby knitting going on.  Considering I don’t normally knit in the summer, I feel like a got a surprising amount done.  I haven’t knit anything for myself recently, but I did start a pair of socks on Sunday.  I haven’t finished a pair of socks in over a year and I miss freshly knitted socks on my feet! 🙂

Other than that, not a lot is going on.  I’m working as much as I can because I’m planning on needing a good chunk of savings to adopt a baby…  It’s been nice to be so distracted though, so I can’t complain.

More after tomorrow’s ultrasound.

 

Chiropractic Infertility Treatment

I LOVE this graphic.  I found it on pinterest and can’t find the source.  But I just thought it was so perfect.

  Still waiting on my period to start.  I’ve had a little spotting off and on, but nothing more yet.  Of course.  If it starts today, or even tomorrow, we still have a shot at an IUI this month.  BUT, I finally made another appointment with Dr. B.  We haven’t seen him since the end of our monitoring cycle in August and I just really need to know where we’re at and what he thinks.

I want to pick his brain about a diagnosis.  Will he want to do a lap?  I’m just not content with his wait and see/ conservative approach and I want to know why my cycles continue to be so wonky despite the huge amounts of extra hormones we’re pumping into my body.  So we go see him again two weeks from yesterday.

I also made an appointment with a local chiropractor to get my uterus, my hips, and my lower back checked.  My cousin and her husband are chiropractors and really advocate using adjustments to keep the whole body healthy.  I chatted with her last night about it and she said there are a lot of connections between your hips, lower back, and uterus.  I wish I could go see them, but they live in Grand Rapids. 😦 I’m going to see this guy on Saturday morning.  I’ve always had a lot of hip and lower back pain, so maybe there’s something to this.   Any tips or personal experiences about chiropractic infertility treatments?

In other news, I’m pushing through final projects.  One week from tonight and I’ll be done for the semester!  I’m drinking too much coffee and not getting nearly enough sleep.  And I’m definitely not eating well.  Prenatal vitamins?  Oopsies…  Thank goodness we took this cycle off.

On Tuesday, Snow White had her first vet appointment.  It went well.  Afterwards, we met my sister and her goldendoodle, Mr. Smith, at the dog park so the cousins could play together.  Snow White never stops running. 😉

It’s finally cooling down here (again).  The greyhounds are back in their jackets when we go outside.  And they’ve both fallen in love with our wood burning fireplace. 😉

 

 

OHSS Continued

Nothing super new to report for the most part.  I’m still in a fair amount of pain off and on, though it’s a different kind of pain than it was.  It’s more of cramping pain and less of a stabbing pain.  I’m having a hard time differentiating between symptoms of a possible pregnancy and symptoms of the OHSS.  I feel a lot different than I did when I was pregnant before.  I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.

I still can’t be on my feet for very long before I start to really feel bad.  I’m managing a load of laundry here and there, and I’m thankful I can teach and study sitting down.  I’ve had a really light workload from my classes for the past 2 weeks, so that’s been a huge weight lifted as well.  I’ve been able to lay down when I need it and not worry so much about getting things done (although, I think there might be something growing on the dirty dishes in the sink… yikes..).

On a positive note, when they drew blood for a CBC last Thursday, they also decided to check my hormones just to see where they were.  I wasn’t supposed to start taking prometrium until Friday and my progesterone check wasn’t supposed to be until Monday.  BUT, my progesterone was already at 15 all by itself 4 days past the trigger shot. 🙂  My progesterone has never gone up on it’s own before.  I know having progesterone in your system isn’t indicative of a pregnancy, but it’s good to know my body can do some things naturally (you know, naturally if you don’t count all of the extra FSH shots and hcg trigger I had pumped my body full of).

I’m having weird dreams too.  Last night, I dreamed that Dr. B’s office didn’t tell us that we actually had 5 mature follicles.  I’m obviously subconsciously terrified of high order multiples.  Although, I don’t blame myself for it.  Twins?  Awesome.  Triplets?  Do-able, maybe.  Quads or more?  No, thank you..  One or two would be just right. 🙂
I also had dinner with President Obama.  He asked for my advice on something super top secret and important.  😉  But that could have been because we stayed up ridiculously late waiting for his speech last night. 😉

Skill has been keeping me excellent company for the past week.  After we lost the baby, Jeremy lifted his “no dogs in the bed” rule.  The new rule is that Skill has to be invited onto our bed, he isn’t allowed to sleep in our bed at night, and he has to get down if one of us is feeling crowded.  It’s been so nice to have company while I’ve been feeling so bad.  The cats are great, but they usually do their own thing for most of the day.  Skill is always with me and is always totally down with all of the lounging.

Today is 9 days past IUI #2.  In less than a week, we’ll know if it worked.  I’m ready for this cycle from hell to be over one way or another.

Done and Done

WELLLLL, the IUI is done.  It’s been just over 24 hours.  Too early to test? Maybe? Yes?  😉

But in all seriousness, thanks so much for the comments yesterday.  I’m feeling cautiously positive.

Jeremy and I got up just before 6 am yesterday morning in order to get to Dr. B’s by 7.  We were both dragging our feet getting ready and ended up running out the door with barely enough time to make the 25 minute drive.  I think we were both a little apprehensive and a lot nervous about what the morning would bring.

After he did his thing, they told us to go to breakfast and be back in an hour or so.  I thought they were a little crazy for thinking we would be able to eat and think about anything other than what was going to get shoved up into my lady parts in an hour, but we actually had a surprisingly nice time at breakfast.  We haven’t had a ton of time lately to just sit and chat.  We’ve had so much company and so much going on with the house, that it was really nice to just have a few minutes to ourselves before things threatened to get crazy again.  I know I also needed the time to finish wrapping my head around what was about to happen.

When we got back to Dr. B’s, they got us right into the room and had me change.  I was expecting something way over the top, but the whole thing was so informal and so relaxed.  I needed that.  I needed them to act like this was normal and ok.  I needed to feel like I wasn’t a failure for having to go through with this.  And they definitely gave me that.

Now.  Things might get a little TMI, but since you’re reading a blog where I frequently talk about my lady parts, I’m going to assume you’re ok with that. 😉
Sooooo, in the speculum went.  Not comfortable when you’re just getting an exam, even more uncomfortable when you know what’s coming next.  Then the catheter.  Ugh.  She warned me before she started that I would probably feel some pressure and maybe a little bit of cramping when she was almost to the top of my uterus.  Almost as soon as she started the cramping was excruciating.  I was going to just go with it, but she decided that there might be something wrong and called another nurse in to do an ultrasound while she inserted the catheter.
They squirted the cold ultrasound gel onto my stomach and immediately found my uterus.  She inserted the catheter again and, like before, the cramping was awful.  The nurse doing the ultrasound told her to stop and pull the catheter back.  She had been hitting the top of my uterus with the catheter.  Multiple times.  Evidently, I have a really short uterus.  Ow.  Ow. Ow.  They told me that shouldn’t have any impact on my ability (or inability) to get pregnant.

BUT, they kept the ultrasound on and turned the screen towards us while the injected the “specimen” 😉 into my uterus.  It was just a blob of white, but it was actually really neat to be able to see that.

I was a little crampy off an on yesterday.  I ended up staying home from class, and am actually really happy I did.  Today, I’m still crampy and have had just a small touch of spotting.  I’m super tired, but that could just be from the excitement and stress.

I took Skill to the dog park earlier and we were both exhausted after walking the island for half an hour.  I’m going to focus on napping and making his winter coat and hat for the rest of the day.  I saw this picture before we got him and decided I HAVE to figure out the knitting pattern for this hat.
Her site is in Swedish, but even with after using google translate on the whole page, I didn’t see anything for the actual pattern.   Soooo, Skill and I are going to figure it out ourselves.  And it’s going to be adorable! 🙂
Other than that, we’re taking the weekend easy. It will be our first relaxed weekend since we’ve moved in.  Jeremy is cleaning the garage and I might bake something delicious.

Prometrium starts on Monday.  Does it make anyone else dizzy?  I’m going to start taking it at bedtime, because last month I looked like I was drunk 20 minutes after every pill… 😉

The Looming IUI

The past ten days have been so crazy busy…

It’s been a… greyhound smooching, long dog walking, presentation giving, epic cleaning, baking, ultrasound getting, cooking, Ikea shopping, family gathering, Grandmother hosting, church going, medication injecting, fireplace snuggling, coffee drinking, IUI scheduling, dog coat making, follicle growing, winter clothes wearing… week and a half. 🙂

Skill came home over a week ago, and it almost seems like he’s always lived here.  He’s probably one of the very best things we could have done for ourselves.  He’s a million times more effective than therapy and a million times cuter.  He’s the least demanding dog I’ve ever met.  He’s so relaxed and docile that it’s easy to forget he’s there.  He sleeps close to 20 hours a day, but he always makes sure he’s snoozing in the same room I’m in, so I’m never completely alone.  He loves Jeremy and I completely and I didn’t think we could love a dog as much as we love him already.  He’s sweet and affectionate and is happy to just be around us.  He sleeps on our bedroom floor straight through the night and is almost completely indifferent towards the cats.  The cats warmed up to him after only a few days and now happily curl up in bed with us despite him being just a few feet away.

Our family feels good.  I feel somewhat content for the first time in years.  I don’t know if it will last, but I’m so happy and thankful for this goofy and sensitive dog. 🙂

In other news, my grandmother and aunt came to visit this weekend and stayed with us.  It’s the first overnight company we’ve had here and the first time I’ve ever hosted a family gathering.  It was such a nice weekend. 🙂  We chatted and baked and cooked and shopped and just spent time together.

It was all a welcome distraction from our upcoming IUI.  Thursday’s day 8 ultrasound found a lot of little follicles, but nothing dominant.  My estrogen was at 50.  Today’s day 12 ultrasound found one 18mm follicle.  Just one again.  I’m a little bummed out, but Dr. B said he’d rather see one good sized follicle with good estrogen, than two ok sized follicles splitting the estrogen.  I don’t even know if I have the energy to care really.  Between having company all weekend and the Gonal-f injections, I’m wiped out.  I don’t think I even have the emotional energy to invest in this cycle.  I’m just going to do what they tell me to do for now and see what happens.  We’ve never tried an IUI before and the Gonal-f is working — I have a large follicle and estrogen levels to prove it.

I go back for more blood work and an ultrasound on Wednesday morning.  They’re aiming for Thursday or Friday for the IUI.  Jeremy offered to take the whole day off, which I’m incredibly thankful for.  We might not be making a baby the old fashioned way, but at least he’ll be in the room when it happens and with me afterwards.

I’m taking the week easy and catching up on homework and actual work.  School is going alright.. sort of.  But that’s for another post.

21: Staying Focused

Just kidding again!! Isn’t it funny how easily I can jinx myself. 😉  I woke up at 5:30 yesterday morning feeling a little crampy.  I was awake, so I thought I’d just slip into the bathroom and pee on a stick.  I waited the 3 minutes and was eyeballing the single line trying to find some trace of a second when my period started.  Oh, the timing…

Yesterday was hard, but having things to look forward to and work on really really helped.  Jeremy took the morning off and not being all alone like I usually am really helped too.

Dr. B’s office called yesterday afternoon to tell me to start injecting 75 units of Gonal-F again, but this time we’re starting on day 5 instead of 8.  She made sure I was clear on that and casually threw in that Dr. B wants to try an IUI this cycle.  I squeaked out an “Ok” and managed to hold off on a mild panic attack until I was off the phone.
I know I’ve been pushing for an IUI, but now that it’s here, now that it’s something we really and truly need… I’m terrified.  It’s really scary to me that my body is so screwed up.

Jeremy was pushing to take this cycle off, and while part of me wonders if that would be a good idea, there are some facts I can’t ignore and all of them have to do with insurance deductibles and coverage.  We’ve met certain deductibles already and I lose my primary form of insurance on my birthday.  So it’s all too obvious that getting pregnant before I turn 25 in December would save us a lot of money.  I hate that we have to think that way, but we have to be realistic and responsible about this.

So we’ll be paying for this IUI mostly out of pocket and, while I’ll be praying it works and I never have to think about it again, we’ll know the next one or two will be 100% covered.  And that makes me feel a little bit better about things.

Things I’m not ok with? One follicle.  This past cycle on Gonal-F, we ended up with 1 decently sized follicle.  I’m not ok with that when it comes to an IUI.  I’m aware it only takes one egg, but so far, one egg hasn’t been cutting it.  Dr. B is SOOOO conservative, which I appreciate… to an extent.  We may need to have a discussion..

Finally…. how painful is an IUI? Do you usually feel just fine afterwards?  Should I clear my day just in case?

Skill will be here to stay in less than 11 hours.  I’m hanging curtains in the family room today and fertilizing the vinca.  I’m aiming for a very chill day. 🙂

Ps.  I’m LOVING the cool weather.

Hesitant Updates…

I’ve been so hesitant to post anything fertility related lately, because it seems like every time I post something hopeful, my period starts just a few hours later…  BUT, I wanted to give an update because I’ll probably be a little out of touch this next weekend.

Tomorrow morning is our official test date.  I’ve been tempted to cheat all week, but I chickened out.  I would have taken one this morning, but I had to leave the house at 6:30 and knew I wouldn’t be home until 9:30 tonight.  I didn’t want to find out and then have a day like that.  So we decided to listen to Dr B and wait until tomorrow, which will be day 32 (14 or 15 days past ovulation) of my cycle.  If you remember, last cycle wasn’t even 24 days, so this is an improvement.   I’m still taking progesterone twice a day, and I still hate it.

I’m suddenly breaking out like a teenager (which didn’t make me feel better about starting my high school observations today…), and am more bloated than I’ve ever been– but surprisingly, I don’t feel bad really.  I just feel really tired.  Most of the time.

But, we’re going through life right now assuming this isn’t going to be our month.  We’ve been too busy and I’ve been too active.  We haven’t talked about any “What if’s” and I haven’t really looked at anything baby related for a couple weeks.  I don’t think I’ll be devastated when this cycle doesn’t work.  Keeping busy really is helping.

School is feeling overwhelming– getting back into the swing of things is harder than I expected.  Unpacking is getting there, but slowly due to school and being exhausted.  PLUS, Skill is coming home on Friday evening!  So we’ve been prepping and getting ready for him.  We’ve bought almost everything we need for him and are just waiting on a few things to come in the mail.

I won’t leave you hanging if we get a positive tomorrow or Friday.  But if you don’t hear from me, assume I’m off spending quality time with our new family member and have nothing exciting to report. 🙂

Support Groups = Awesome

Tonight was a wonderful night.

I started seeing a therapist a couple of months ago when I thought I just wasn’t handling things as well as I should be.  I wasn’t sure what I was hoping for, but I was hoping for something.  The woman I was seeing didn’t really have any background in infertility.  At first I thought it would be ok, but the longer I was seeing her, the less I felt she was helping.  I felt like she was more validating my feelings rather than helping me through some obvious problems.  I was really on the fence about going back to see her.

Tonight I went to my first Resolve Infertility Support Group.  If you’ve never checked out the Resolve website, you need to. Now.  Resolve is the National Infertility Association.  It’s full of great information on everything infertility.  They also have a section on finding support groups in your area.  Being only 24, I don’t really know anyone in real life who has going through any kind of infertility.  Our families are chock full of fertile myrtles…  And while I completely appreciate reading other blogs, I was really craving physical interaction with women like me.  I was tired of feeling so isolated and alone.

Honestly?  Going to that support group was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself.  There were 9 of us total.  And it was wonderful.  I know no one ever wants to find themselves in that situation and I’d rather I never had to set foot in that library meeting room, but I can’t even begin to describe how much better I feel about myself.  I don’t feel so incredibly alone anymore.  Spending two hours talking about things that I’ve never said out loud or that I’ve never had anyone in my life really understand was the best kind of therapy.  While blogging and reading blogs is nice, actually having a conversation with someone who completely understands all of the terms and medications and tests and feelings was unbelievably helpful.  One of the ladies was even using the same RE as I am (and she LOVES him too).  My story wasn’t the worst one and it wasn’t the easiest one.  There were women working on their 4th rounds of IVF,  women who havve barely seen a doctor and everything in between.  For the first time in the past year, I didn’t feel excluded or on the outside.  I didn’t feel uncomfortable around other women. I didn’t feel like I had to hide anything or explain myself.  It was wonderful.

I feel empowered as we continue on.  I feel more peaceful about the way this past cycle ended.  I’m looking forward to seeing Dr. B next Monday and getting a diagnoses.  I’m also very sure now that I’m not going to see my therapist again.  I might look for someone more specialized in infertility in the future, or I’ll just keep going to this support group and see how it goes.  I feel great for the first time in a long time.  It was the ultimate reminder that it’s not just me; I’m not the only one who is struggling through this.  And it couldn’t have come at a better time.  Yesterday was really low.  Tonight I feel like I’ve done a complete 180.

We might never have a baby.  But it’s not just us.  And it’s ok.