Embryos are Transferred!

We got up this morning and went for an easy hike.  It was a nice time to spend with my husband and our hounds.  It was nice to be outside and moving before transfer.  It helped with my stress levels to just be active.

And then I took a valium and we were on our way to the clinic.  Last time, I was trying not to throw up on our way to transfer, but this time it seemed to be a lot easier to remain calm.  I convinced myself that if anything was wrong with the embryos we would have heard by then.

They took us back pretty quickly.  This time we both got to change into gowns.  We both had hair nets and booties. 🙂  And then they showed us our embryos.  The first two THAWED PERFECTLY!!!  Which means we still have 2 frozen. 🙂  I can’t be more thankful and more relieved.  Also, I’m pretty sure I was given a higher dose of valium this time. 😉

We were so impressed with the facility and professionalism at UNC today.  The doctor was gentle and positive.  The nurses were compassionate and helpful.  The embryologist was thorough and cautious. The OR was super modern, clean and impressive.

The whole experience was a million times better than the last time at the last clinic.  I feel so much more calm and relaxed this time.

No bedrest this time.  I’m supposed to take it easy today, but I can go back to being active tomorrow.  The nurse said I could be as active as I feel comfortable with.  I think I’m going to stick to brisk walking and easy hiking.  No weights, yoga, or running for now.

Beta #1 is Sunday, August 10th.  Please pray for these two goldfish. We have so much hope for them. <3<3

 

Pre-FET Anxiety

FET #2 is tomorrow at 11:30.

Unlike last time, where time seemed to crawl, time has seemed to speed up this cycle.  I’m not ready for this.  I’m scared and anxious.  I don’t feel the joy and positivity I felt last time.   I haven’t slept for a full night in 2 weeks.  Whether that’s from the anxiety or the medication, that’s anyone’s guess.

I’m still having nightmares about the embryos not thawing or something going horribly wrong.  I had to put in writing yesterday that while the plan is to thaw and transfer 2 embryos, if neither of them survive the thaw the clinic has my permission to continue thawing embryos until they get 1 viable embryo.  That’s terrifying.  What if they have to thaw all 4 just to get one to thaw?  What if we don’t have anymore frozen?  What if this transfer is our last shot?

I know two thawed with no problem last transfer, but they’ve been moved and jostled since then.  What if our decision to move to another clinic ruined our chances to have our own babies?

I suppose it’s good that I’ve been so fixated on the thawing.  I haven’t given much energy to the thoughts of what come after that.  It just doesn’t seem as concerning to me for some reason.  It’s weird.  I know.

And I know that statistically, at least 3 of those embryos should thaw just fine. I know this.  But it’s not stopping the anxiety.

It’s probably not the thaw that’s really freaking me out.  It’s probably the whole idea of doing this again.  Of getting pregnant again. Of miscarrying again.

This is exhausting.  I am exhausted.  I want this to work.  I hope it doesn’t sound like I don’t.  I’ve just had so much experience with it not working.  Ever.

This has turned into a much more negative post than I wanted.  I’m going to try to spend the rest of the evening being hopeful and zen.  I promise.

 

Embryos En Route

Our embryos have just embarked on their 10 mile journey to the new clinic.

They were picked up from Cary, NC 20 minutes ago and will be delivered to UNC in Raleigh tomorrow.  This is the last step in getting completely transferred to the new clinic.  And the last piece of the puzzle for our second FET.

While I would have preferred to transport them myself, I’m just thankful it’s almost done.  So If you have a minute, say a little prayer for our last 4 embryos.  These 10 miles will be some longs ones.

 

 

Doctor Interview #2: UNC

Last Thursday, we went to UNC to meet with one more doctor.  This would be our 4th RE.  Our 4th opinion. I went into the appointment thinking that Duke was at the top of my list and was worried that I wouldn’t give UNC enough of a chance.  But by the time we left, I was ready to hand over my embryos.

This doctor was a lot like the doctors at Duke, but she was more commanding and informative.  She was compassionate and educational.  Like Duke, she wants to dig deeper into my thyroid.  She also wants to check for any early diabetes markers since it does run in my family and can cause miscarriages.  She wants to recheck my clotting issues since my last test was over a year ago.  She wants to see if it’s getting worse or better, or even staying the same.  They also do mock transfers, where they simulate a transfer and make sure everything is going to run perfectly before the embryos are involved.  I love this for two reasons.  First, I like that they’re treating me like an individual.  I’m not in and out and done.  Secondly, I want to make sure the cramping I felt during the last transfer isn’t anything concerning.
Which brings me to the cramping I felt the entire time I was pregnant. Dr. T dismissed it and said it was nothing.  The doctors at Duke said it was probably the endometriosis and that there was nothing to be done about it. Dr. M said she’s rarely heard of that happening before.  She wouldn’t have dismissed it.  At the very least, she would have treated the pain just to keep my stress levels down.  Their clinic is so interested in helping patients with the emotional aspect of fertility treatments.  They have 2 therapists they use and recommend.  This doctor encourages patients to email her with questions.
And, first beta is just 9 days post transfer.  None of this 2 weeks nonsense.

She said our chances of getting pregnant (and staying pregnant) are good.  They would be higher if we had created our embryos with them (I’m sure most doctors think that though).  She’s the first doctor who told me that the silver lining in this last miscarriage was that I can get pregnant and produce good betas.  She didn’t say it that way, she was a lot more empathetic in the way she said it, but it’s what I’ve been looking for.  Something useful to come out of it.  Dr. B said something along the same lines about our first miscarriage and I remember it comforting me then as well.

UNC has put many of my fears and concerns about another transfer to bed.  I can’t control the outcome, but I think this next shot will be a good one.  We’re aiming for a June transfer depending on when my period decides to come back.  I go in tomorrow morning for thyroid, clotting, and diabetes blood work.

And how am I feeling overall?  I’m pushing through.  There are still days that I find myself watching the clock.  Watching the minutes tick by one by one as I wait for a decent time to go to bed.  Some days, I just want time to speed up and for the day to be over.  I’m not sure if I’m hoping the next day will be better or if I’m just hoping for a few short hours that my heart doesn’t hurt.

I’ve also been finding solace in the gym.  Go figure.  I started going two days after they told us my beta at dropped to 5.  I was honestly hoping it would jump start the bleeding.  I ran and ran and then came home and cried and cried.  But it helped.  A couple days later, after my muscles stopped aching, I went again and ran and ran.  I didn’t cry quite so much that day.  So I kept going, at least 3 times a week.  It’s been three weeks.  I’m starting to lose weight (in a good way) and I’m able to run a little farther and a little longer each time.  Some days, I find myself aching to go back to the gym to run even though I’d been there just that morning.  I’ve always hated running.  HATED.  But it’s comforting to run so hard that I just can’t focus on anything but breathing.  Like sleeping, it gives me a brief reprieve from having to think about what we’ve lost and what’s coming next.

FET Prep

Here we are.  3 days to transfer!  I am SO READY! 🙂

I went in for my last monitoring appointment on Friday.  It went well.  My lining is just over 10 and my estrogen came in around 1070.  As long as it’s under 2000, they’re happy. 🙂  I started progesterone in oil injections on Saturday and I have to say they aren’t nearly as bad as I was expecting.  I’d heard a lot of horror stories about progesterone in oil, and while it’s not pleasant, it’s completely tolerable.

Plus, I don’t think anything can trump the lovenox injections yet…

I was amazed after the first few injections because I NEVER bruise very much via subcutaneous injections.  Every so often I’ll hit a blood vessel, but it’s rare.  Lovenox is definitely unlike anything I’ve ever given myself though.  It burns going in and for a good while afterwards.  I may or may not be on it throughout the entire time I’m pregnant.  My nurse says the bruising is from the blood thinner I’m taking as well.  As long as it’s normal, I don’t mind that much.  No fun.  But so worth it. 😉

Symptom-wise – last week, I was super tired.  Towards the end of the week I started feeling really achy.  Saturday was especially bad, so I scheduled the massage I’d been hoarding from Groupon, hoping it would loosen my muscles up and relax me.  It definitely loosened my tight muscles, but all of my joints were still super achy.  I took some tylenol when I got home and fell asleep in bed, only to wake up around 10 to run the injections marathon.  At some point in the night I ended up with a low grade fever and realized this probably wasn’t side effects.  I had some kind of flu/cold.  As bad as I felt, my main concern was whether this was going to affect the transfer.   As much as it would suck, I’d rather cancel the transfer and try again next month than have my body kill those perfect embryos in a way we hadn’t bargained for and tried to correct.

While I am feeling better today, I’m definitely not 100%.  BUT, it’s hard to tell what’s illness and what’s side effects at this point.  Thankfully I talked to the nurse who said as long as my fever is gone and I don’t have any congestion in my chest that we should be just fine.  I start taking antibiotics tomorrow as well which should help with any bacterial issues.

All in all, things look good.  I should be feeling pretty good by Thursday and I am more than ready to give these two embryos a shot at life. 🙂

BTW, in about a week, like with our IUIs, I’ll stop posting blogs to facebook.  If you haven’t yet, “follow” my blog to have new posts sent to your email. 🙂