Too Tired to Care

Dude, it’s over-emotional central over here.

It could be stemming from a number of things including… 1. We are almost finished with our last assisted cycle.  If this doesn’t work, the chance of us having our own kids is very slim.  2. One year ago tomorrow, we found out we were pregnant.  One year ago on Tuesday, we found out our baby had died.  3. There are so many artificial hormones floating through my body!!  4. I’m just exhausted.

There’s just a lot going on right now.

We’ve been looking more into adoption and, more recently, more into foster care.  I don’t know if I’m ready, or comfortable handing $10,000+ that I don’t have over for a baby.  The idea of buying a baby is still really bothering me and I can’t seem to shake it.  It’s probably still something we’ll do eventually, but I think we’re keeping our options open and hoping and praying that something good falls into our laps.  We could really use something good.

I’m just so tired of having to work so hard at something most people don’t even have to think about.  I want that weekend in Vegas baby.

Yesterday’s monitoring showed that I probably only ended up with 1 egg this time.  1 egg.  The rest of the follicles are still hanging out, getting bigger, and turning into cysts.  That’s so nice….  They did assure me that I have a wonderful ratio of estrogen to progesterone.  Although I’m not sure I care any more.  I’m just too tired.

Meanwhile the greyhounds got collar lights last weekend.  They now glow in the dark.  Love them.

Replication

My day was just made.  Why?  Because I found another full pen of gonal-f in the back of my fridge, which means I don’t have to order any medication again this month.  That is excellent.  It’s the little things in life, you know?

I kept a rather low profile over the weekend because I just needed to be and get over the epic drop in artificial hormones that occurred after my cycle failed.   900+ estrogen is a long way to fall.  But it fell and while it completely blows, right now, it is what it is.  In 5 minutes, it might be the end of the world again, but right now, it’s ok.

I went for my scan on Friday expecting a birth control cycle.  My ovaries were shockingly huge a week post IUI and as I’d never had so many follicles, I just assumed it would take some extra time to bounce back.  My ultrasound tech entered the room and the first thing she asked me was if we had considered IVF any more.  I told her that we had decided against it.  For that much money out of pocket, we’d want a sure thing and adoption was probably going to be our next step.  Every time someone in that office mentions IVF, I’m reminded that we’ve gone through a lot and that we’re most definitely coming to the end of our fertility treatment road.  

At the end of our road, it forks.  One direction is IVF.  It’s tens of thousands of dollars for a chance to become biological parents.  It’s an incredibly tempting chance.  One that, if our circumstances were different, I might have taken.  In the other direction, is discontinuing treatments and accepting that we will never have biological children of our own.  That road contains two more forks.  Childlessness or adoption.  At this point, I’ve worked too hard and put too much of myself into creating a family to choose to live child-free.  Our family needs something more.  

But.  We’re not there yet.

My ovaries, miraculously, were clear.  They shouldn’t have been.  Sherry couldn’t believe they looked so perfect.  She said it should have taken weeks for them to reduce in swelling so much.  My body has managed to stump Dr. B’s office again.  Excellent.

And so, Dr. B wants to replicate last cycle as best we can.  It should have worked, so he said.  It was exactly what he wanted to see.  The only hiccup?  I didn’t have a period before we started our last cycle.  I didn’t have a fresh uterine lining.  While that shouldn’t have technically mattered, it might have.  We’re starting fresh.  I’m injecting 112.5 units of gonal-f daily starting yesterday and crossing my fingers and toes for 5 more beautiful follicles.  I go in for a scan and bloodwork on Friday.

My goal for the next week or so?  Keep busy and try not to think about failing another cycle!  Yesterday, I made and froze 21 meals for when the OHSS monster strikes again.  I want to keep eating healthy even when I don’t feel good.  Having healthy food already made will help me do that.  All I have to do is pull it out the night before and put it in the slow cooker in the morning.  It couldn’t actually get any easier.

We also replaced the floor in the nursery over the weekend.  It looks amazing.  I’ll share pictures of it soon. 

Family Building

I’m going in for monitoring for this “natural” cycle next Thursday.  It’s day 12.  I’ve never started monitoring so late in a cycle.  It’s weird.  However, since there’s no medication to adjust and no IUI this cycle, we’re just waiting for a follicle to grow naturally.  If it grows.  They asked us to consider an ovidrel trigger injection if my body makes a follicle on its own but isn’t releasing it.  We’re open to that.  It’s just a little push.  It’s just one injection.

I met my midwife yesterday.  I really liked her.  Her midwife in training?  Not so much.  She told me to prop my hips up after intercourse.  Because I haven’t been doing that for two years… She also told me that I am so young and I have plenty of time to figure this out.  My standard response has become: If I’m so young and having trouble getting pregnant now, what will it be like when I’m 30 or 35?  They don’t usually have a response to that.  I hate people some times.

But the real news in our house is that we’ve decided to submit an application for a domestic newborn adoption.  We’re aiming for 6 months to a year from now, depending on how long it takes us to save.  Within the next 6 months, we’ll know if a baby without IVF is possible for us.  Neither of us have ever been wild about the idea of IVF.  It’s more than we’re willing to go through.  –> I’m definitely not saying IVF is bad, I just don’t personally want to go through it.  I’d rather adopt.

I know this adoption might never take place.  We might get pregnant within the next six months.  But we might not.  I can’t tell you how much of a weight was lifted when Jeremy and I made that decision.  It’s a definite end to this childlessness.  Within the next 2 years, we’ll have a baby one way or another.  A big part of me doesn’t care how we have a family anymore as long as we have one.  And we’re going to have one. =)

So I bought this book.  And this books and this book might have made their way into my cart as well. ❤

IUI #2

Things went smoothly yesterday morning.  Much more so than last time.  I was able to remind her that about my short uterus, so there was no jabbing with the catheter this time.  Our “sample” only contained 3 million (they want to see 90 million), but 91% were forward moving (50% is normal).  They checked Jeremy for a hormone problem, but everything came back normal.  It only takes one, right?  He’s started taking CoQ 10 plus his multivitamin, so hopefully things will look better for the next IUI.

I start progesterone on Friday and go back in for an ultrasound and blood work on Monday.  I’ve had some cramping off and on and my uterus just feels tired.  I think I’ve slept for 18 of the past 24 hours.  I’m definitely not feeling 100% after this IUI.  But it could be the IUI, ovidrel, and 2 follicles combined.  I also tend to sleep more when I’m stressed out.  And I’m definitely stressed out.

We carved pumpkins at my mom’s on Sunday.  It was a nice distraction.  Skill came too. 😉

I interviewed for a tutoring position at our local community college’s Upward Bound Program a couple weeks ago.  I got the position and I start today.  I’ll be at a local high school working with seniors on their college application essays.  It’s only 4 hours a week, but it will give me more experience working with high school students.  I’m really looking forward to it.  🙂

No new updates other than that.  It will be a long 2 weeks before we find anything out.  Just trying to stay busy now.

Time Limits

Nothing new and exciting so far, which I think is a good thing.  Started prometrium on Monday and taking it at night is really helping with the symptoms.

We got a ton of yard work done over the weekend and visited a new church for the second time.  I finished Skill’s winter coat and hat..
And we took him to the dog park on Saturday when the weather was nice and warm…

School is getting crazy busy.  I’m so glad I only opted for 2 course this semester.  With moving and fertility stuff, I think 3 courses would have been way too much.  I am thinking about taking 3 in the spring though.  It’s all going to depend on if we get pregnant this semester or not.

I think I’m starting to consider a stopping point with infertility treatments though.  If it’s not going to happen any time soon, I want to start focusing more on finishing my masters.  I could have it done in two years (maybe even less) if I could concentrate more on it.  I don’t want to get way far into it and then have to stop if we miraculously get pregnant.  That feels like a big waste to me.  We can always pick fertility treatments up again if we want to once I’m working.  OR we can concentrate on paying off our student loans and then look at adoption.  OR we can get a few more greyhounds and call it even. 😉

I’m getting more and more frustrated lately when it comes to the things I can’t do.  Or things I’m afraid to do.  It’s been almost 2 years and it’s getting old.  Does that sound selfish?  I just don’t think I can be someone who puts 10+ years of my life into fertility medications and procedures and doctors.  Maybe once school is finished, it will be easier to juggle.  I don’t think we’ll ever stop trying, but it seems easier to handle if there’s a stopping point for the needles and ultrasounds and medications.  I need to know that it’s not going to go on forever.

I think next summer is the time limit for now.  That’s almost 3 years of trying and 1 full year with our RE.

Maybe I sound like I’m not committed enough to this, but I want to live my life and if kids aren’t a part of it, then I want to enjoy what I do have.  I want to enjoy my husband and our pets.  I want to enjoy being a teacher.  I want to enjoy our house.  I don’t want to spend years and years of my life pining for what I don’t have.  Infertility treatments make me do that.  They make you far more invested in the outcome of each and every cycle.  The injections it took to just make a follicle, the IUI or transfer, the progesterone to sustain an embryo…  THE COST OF EVERYTHING.  How could you not spend every waking moment thinking and hoping and dreading the outcome?

I’ll be 25 in a couple months.  I was barely 23 when I started trying to have a baby.  I know that’s incredibly young, but if I can’t make a baby now, what will my chances be a 26, 27, or 28 when fertility rates first start to decline at 25?

Maybe I’m jumping the gun here, but I need to set this time limit.  We still have 8 or 9 months left with our RE, so plenty could happen.  I just need to see an ending to it for now.  Nothing says we can’t push it out for longer if we feel we need to.  Nothing says we can’t take a 6 month break and start again.  But for now, life needs to keep moving.  I need to be something other than a part time graduate student/full time lady with unexplained infertility…  I need to have some greater purpose in this life than that.

_______________________

On a completely unrelated note, I accidentally left the bird seed bag on the patio after filling the bird feeder.  I woke up to this…  Happy Wednesday! 😉

Done and Done

WELLLLL, the IUI is done.  It’s been just over 24 hours.  Too early to test? Maybe? Yes?  😉

But in all seriousness, thanks so much for the comments yesterday.  I’m feeling cautiously positive.

Jeremy and I got up just before 6 am yesterday morning in order to get to Dr. B’s by 7.  We were both dragging our feet getting ready and ended up running out the door with barely enough time to make the 25 minute drive.  I think we were both a little apprehensive and a lot nervous about what the morning would bring.

After he did his thing, they told us to go to breakfast and be back in an hour or so.  I thought they were a little crazy for thinking we would be able to eat and think about anything other than what was going to get shoved up into my lady parts in an hour, but we actually had a surprisingly nice time at breakfast.  We haven’t had a ton of time lately to just sit and chat.  We’ve had so much company and so much going on with the house, that it was really nice to just have a few minutes to ourselves before things threatened to get crazy again.  I know I also needed the time to finish wrapping my head around what was about to happen.

When we got back to Dr. B’s, they got us right into the room and had me change.  I was expecting something way over the top, but the whole thing was so informal and so relaxed.  I needed that.  I needed them to act like this was normal and ok.  I needed to feel like I wasn’t a failure for having to go through with this.  And they definitely gave me that.

Now.  Things might get a little TMI, but since you’re reading a blog where I frequently talk about my lady parts, I’m going to assume you’re ok with that. 😉
Sooooo, in the speculum went.  Not comfortable when you’re just getting an exam, even more uncomfortable when you know what’s coming next.  Then the catheter.  Ugh.  She warned me before she started that I would probably feel some pressure and maybe a little bit of cramping when she was almost to the top of my uterus.  Almost as soon as she started the cramping was excruciating.  I was going to just go with it, but she decided that there might be something wrong and called another nurse in to do an ultrasound while she inserted the catheter.
They squirted the cold ultrasound gel onto my stomach and immediately found my uterus.  She inserted the catheter again and, like before, the cramping was awful.  The nurse doing the ultrasound told her to stop and pull the catheter back.  She had been hitting the top of my uterus with the catheter.  Multiple times.  Evidently, I have a really short uterus.  Ow.  Ow. Ow.  They told me that shouldn’t have any impact on my ability (or inability) to get pregnant.

BUT, they kept the ultrasound on and turned the screen towards us while the injected the “specimen” 😉 into my uterus.  It was just a blob of white, but it was actually really neat to be able to see that.

I was a little crampy off an on yesterday.  I ended up staying home from class, and am actually really happy I did.  Today, I’m still crampy and have had just a small touch of spotting.  I’m super tired, but that could just be from the excitement and stress.

I took Skill to the dog park earlier and we were both exhausted after walking the island for half an hour.  I’m going to focus on napping and making his winter coat and hat for the rest of the day.  I saw this picture before we got him and decided I HAVE to figure out the knitting pattern for this hat.
Her site is in Swedish, but even with after using google translate on the whole page, I didn’t see anything for the actual pattern.   Soooo, Skill and I are going to figure it out ourselves.  And it’s going to be adorable! 🙂
Other than that, we’re taking the weekend easy. It will be our first relaxed weekend since we’ve moved in.  Jeremy is cleaning the garage and I might bake something delicious.

Prometrium starts on Monday.  Does it make anyone else dizzy?  I’m going to start taking it at bedtime, because last month I looked like I was drunk 20 minutes after every pill… 😉

IUI #1

IUI #1 starts in 9 hours.  Yikes.  I shot myself up with ovidrel around 1:30 this afternoon.  My uterine lining looks perfect, I have a 22.5 mm follicle, and my estrogen is at 247.  Things look more perfect than they ever have, but I’m remaining skeptical for the next week… The second week, however, I’m fully planning on getting my hopes up. 😉

I’m planning on coming home from Dr. B’s tomorrow and sleeping the entire day until I have to go to class in the evening.  Because I can.  And because I don’t want to think about what might be going on inside my body… Or even worse, what might not be going on.

I’ll update later this week or on the weekend.  There’s no hurry, right?  I have two weeks to go over and over and over what’s going to happen in the morning.

I’m also going to leave you with a picture of what my dog is doing right now.  Never mind that his HUGE dog bed is sitting right next to him.  The cat bed was so much more appealing.  He does this nightly.  It never fails to make us laugh.  This dog is the biggest stress reducer on the planet.  (Don’t mind the lack of closet doors.  The house didn’t come with them and we haven’t gotten around to replacing them yet. 🙂 )

 

The Looming IUI

The past ten days have been so crazy busy…

It’s been a… greyhound smooching, long dog walking, presentation giving, epic cleaning, baking, ultrasound getting, cooking, Ikea shopping, family gathering, Grandmother hosting, church going, medication injecting, fireplace snuggling, coffee drinking, IUI scheduling, dog coat making, follicle growing, winter clothes wearing… week and a half. 🙂

Skill came home over a week ago, and it almost seems like he’s always lived here.  He’s probably one of the very best things we could have done for ourselves.  He’s a million times more effective than therapy and a million times cuter.  He’s the least demanding dog I’ve ever met.  He’s so relaxed and docile that it’s easy to forget he’s there.  He sleeps close to 20 hours a day, but he always makes sure he’s snoozing in the same room I’m in, so I’m never completely alone.  He loves Jeremy and I completely and I didn’t think we could love a dog as much as we love him already.  He’s sweet and affectionate and is happy to just be around us.  He sleeps on our bedroom floor straight through the night and is almost completely indifferent towards the cats.  The cats warmed up to him after only a few days and now happily curl up in bed with us despite him being just a few feet away.

Our family feels good.  I feel somewhat content for the first time in years.  I don’t know if it will last, but I’m so happy and thankful for this goofy and sensitive dog. 🙂

In other news, my grandmother and aunt came to visit this weekend and stayed with us.  It’s the first overnight company we’ve had here and the first time I’ve ever hosted a family gathering.  It was such a nice weekend. 🙂  We chatted and baked and cooked and shopped and just spent time together.

It was all a welcome distraction from our upcoming IUI.  Thursday’s day 8 ultrasound found a lot of little follicles, but nothing dominant.  My estrogen was at 50.  Today’s day 12 ultrasound found one 18mm follicle.  Just one again.  I’m a little bummed out, but Dr. B said he’d rather see one good sized follicle with good estrogen, than two ok sized follicles splitting the estrogen.  I don’t even know if I have the energy to care really.  Between having company all weekend and the Gonal-f injections, I’m wiped out.  I don’t think I even have the emotional energy to invest in this cycle.  I’m just going to do what they tell me to do for now and see what happens.  We’ve never tried an IUI before and the Gonal-f is working — I have a large follicle and estrogen levels to prove it.

I go back for more blood work and an ultrasound on Wednesday morning.  They’re aiming for Thursday or Friday for the IUI.  Jeremy offered to take the whole day off, which I’m incredibly thankful for.  We might not be making a baby the old fashioned way, but at least he’ll be in the room when it happens and with me afterwards.

I’m taking the week easy and catching up on homework and actual work.  School is going alright.. sort of.  But that’s for another post.

Hesitant Updates…

I’ve been so hesitant to post anything fertility related lately, because it seems like every time I post something hopeful, my period starts just a few hours later…  BUT, I wanted to give an update because I’ll probably be a little out of touch this next weekend.

Tomorrow morning is our official test date.  I’ve been tempted to cheat all week, but I chickened out.  I would have taken one this morning, but I had to leave the house at 6:30 and knew I wouldn’t be home until 9:30 tonight.  I didn’t want to find out and then have a day like that.  So we decided to listen to Dr B and wait until tomorrow, which will be day 32 (14 or 15 days past ovulation) of my cycle.  If you remember, last cycle wasn’t even 24 days, so this is an improvement.   I’m still taking progesterone twice a day, and I still hate it.

I’m suddenly breaking out like a teenager (which didn’t make me feel better about starting my high school observations today…), and am more bloated than I’ve ever been– but surprisingly, I don’t feel bad really.  I just feel really tired.  Most of the time.

But, we’re going through life right now assuming this isn’t going to be our month.  We’ve been too busy and I’ve been too active.  We haven’t talked about any “What if’s” and I haven’t really looked at anything baby related for a couple weeks.  I don’t think I’ll be devastated when this cycle doesn’t work.  Keeping busy really is helping.

School is feeling overwhelming– getting back into the swing of things is harder than I expected.  Unpacking is getting there, but slowly due to school and being exhausted.  PLUS, Skill is coming home on Friday evening!  So we’ve been prepping and getting ready for him.  We’ve bought almost everything we need for him and are just waiting on a few things to come in the mail.

I won’t leave you hanging if we get a positive tomorrow or Friday.  But if you don’t hear from me, assume I’m off spending quality time with our new family member and have nothing exciting to report. 🙂

Moving Day is Tomorrow!

Yikes! Where have I been?  Out of control…  The movers come tomorrow afternoon, the house is move-in ready as of 1 am this morning, we go meet our greyhound tomorrow morning, and my uterine lining/progesterone levels are holding strong.

Not too shabby for the past week. 🙂  We spent a crazy amount of time getting this house ready over the long weekend.  Painting and cleaning and carpet cleaning and jungle patio overhauls ensued.  I know I overdid it, but such is life.  I haven’t gotten pregnant so far by taking it easy.  I am, however, taking it easier this week.  I’m feeling tired more easily and I’m far more emotional.  I’m resting when I need it and trying to get some extra sleep.

My mom and step dad and Jeremy’s parents helped us a lot, which was a gigantic relief.  Jeremy’s parents helped with all of the high VOC painting so I could stay away from the fumes, and my mom and step dad whipped our patio into something just beautiful after the previous owners let it turn into the Jungle Book over the summer.

We met some of our neighbors and they’re all so nice.  They’re all older than we are, but we kind of expected that.  They all just seem to be happy that someone bought the house and is starting to take care of it again.  We’re really enjoying watching the house transform into something loved and well cared for.  The longer we spend there and the more projects we do, the more we love the house and can’t wait to make it into the perfect home for our family.  I can see us living in this house for years and years to come, changing and improving things along the way.

It’s two blocks from the elementary school, two blocks from the river walk, and still nice and close to both of our families.  It has plenty of room for visitors and plenty of options to change as our family grows.

How are things on the family front?  We are 8 days past ovulation.  I’ve been taking prometrium supplements twice a day since Sunday.  My uterine lining looks good.  We’re at cycle day 26.  Farther than last month, still a few days to go.  I’ve been a little crampy off and on for the past couple days.  Nothing super painful, just uncomfortable.  It usually stops when I lay down.  I’ve also lost 4 pounds in the past week.  I know I’ve been really active, but I’ve also been eating like a horse, so I’m not sure what that means.

Dr. B doesn’t want me to test until Thursday… I don’t know if I can hold out that long.  I’ll definitely be waiting until early next week though.  I’m terrified that the oviderel will still be in my system and I’ll get a very very false positive.  I don’t have a good feeling about this cycle though.  I have a feeling my period will start before I get a chance to test.

Today, I’m going to finish packing and day dream about picking our greyhound tomorrow. 🙂