Everything is going to be ok.

Thank you for your kind words after last post.  

I think we’re doing better.  I know I’m doing better.  

I scheduled an appointment with Dr. M on September 10th.  While they told me I could get going on the last transfer right away, I asked if it would be ok if we took some time off.  Indefinitely.  Yes, we still have 2 embryos.  Yes, we still desperately want children.  No, we’re not going to work on adopting in the meantime.  No, we won’t be trying naturally.  I’ve been given the go ahead to stay on birth control until we decide that we’re ready to use our last 2 embryos.  I’m thankful they’re ok with this because I’m pretty sure the endometriosis I spent all of last summer battling has returned and is starting to make my life miserable again.  Birth control is my friend.  I will tell you that popping a birth control pill and a prenatal vitamin every night is it’s own kind of special weirdness.

Jeremy is hoping I’ll be ready to try again by the end of the year because we’ve met our out of pocket max on our health insurance this year.  If we transfer before December 31, we’ll only pay our normal clinic fee and meds, ultrasound, blood work, and transfer will be covered.  Part of me hopes I’ll be ready by then too, but a larger part of me knows I need more time than that.  

I don’t have any faith in these embryos or in my body and that’s not how I want to move forward with them.

With all that being the case, it is time for me to get out of the house.  I’ve been home and waiting for something to happen for the past 8 1/2 months.  I’ve been getting more and more antsy and anxious as time has gone on.  I’m not a homebody.  I like seeing people for the most part.

I mentioned I had an interview last week.  I got the job!  I start next Wednesday and I’m so excited.  I’ll work anywhere from 16 to 30 hours a week.  It will probably be closer to 30 as we get closer to the holidays.  It’s with a small custom fabric printing company.  I can’t wait.  I wish I could have started this past week.  This is just what I need to get out of the funk that I’m in.  I’m more than ready to settle into this company and enjoy my life as it is right now.  No doctors, no medication, no extreme ups and downs, no more wasted time.  I am sad that we’re putting our family aspirations on hold, but my hope is that by the time we both feel ready to try again, we’ll be able to afford to either adopt or buy a house depending on the outcome.  

I’m only 26.  My mom had me at 31 and adopted my sister a couple years after that.  “We have time” has become my mantra.  We have time.  We have time.  We have time.  And everything is going to be ok.

Too Tired to Care

Dude, it’s over-emotional central over here.

It could be stemming from a number of things including… 1. We are almost finished with our last assisted cycle.  If this doesn’t work, the chance of us having our own kids is very slim.  2. One year ago tomorrow, we found out we were pregnant.  One year ago on Tuesday, we found out our baby had died.  3. There are so many artificial hormones floating through my body!!  4. I’m just exhausted.

There’s just a lot going on right now.

We’ve been looking more into adoption and, more recently, more into foster care.  I don’t know if I’m ready, or comfortable handing $10,000+ that I don’t have over for a baby.  The idea of buying a baby is still really bothering me and I can’t seem to shake it.  It’s probably still something we’ll do eventually, but I think we’re keeping our options open and hoping and praying that something good falls into our laps.  We could really use something good.

I’m just so tired of having to work so hard at something most people don’t even have to think about.  I want that weekend in Vegas baby.

Yesterday’s monitoring showed that I probably only ended up with 1 egg this time.  1 egg.  The rest of the follicles are still hanging out, getting bigger, and turning into cysts.  That’s so nice….  They did assure me that I have a wonderful ratio of estrogen to progesterone.  Although I’m not sure I care any more.  I’m just too tired.

Meanwhile the greyhounds got collar lights last weekend.  They now glow in the dark.  Love them.

Replication

My day was just made.  Why?  Because I found another full pen of gonal-f in the back of my fridge, which means I don’t have to order any medication again this month.  That is excellent.  It’s the little things in life, you know?

I kept a rather low profile over the weekend because I just needed to be and get over the epic drop in artificial hormones that occurred after my cycle failed.   900+ estrogen is a long way to fall.  But it fell and while it completely blows, right now, it is what it is.  In 5 minutes, it might be the end of the world again, but right now, it’s ok.

I went for my scan on Friday expecting a birth control cycle.  My ovaries were shockingly huge a week post IUI and as I’d never had so many follicles, I just assumed it would take some extra time to bounce back.  My ultrasound tech entered the room and the first thing she asked me was if we had considered IVF any more.  I told her that we had decided against it.  For that much money out of pocket, we’d want a sure thing and adoption was probably going to be our next step.  Every time someone in that office mentions IVF, I’m reminded that we’ve gone through a lot and that we’re most definitely coming to the end of our fertility treatment road.  

At the end of our road, it forks.  One direction is IVF.  It’s tens of thousands of dollars for a chance to become biological parents.  It’s an incredibly tempting chance.  One that, if our circumstances were different, I might have taken.  In the other direction, is discontinuing treatments and accepting that we will never have biological children of our own.  That road contains two more forks.  Childlessness or adoption.  At this point, I’ve worked too hard and put too much of myself into creating a family to choose to live child-free.  Our family needs something more.  

But.  We’re not there yet.

My ovaries, miraculously, were clear.  They shouldn’t have been.  Sherry couldn’t believe they looked so perfect.  She said it should have taken weeks for them to reduce in swelling so much.  My body has managed to stump Dr. B’s office again.  Excellent.

And so, Dr. B wants to replicate last cycle as best we can.  It should have worked, so he said.  It was exactly what he wanted to see.  The only hiccup?  I didn’t have a period before we started our last cycle.  I didn’t have a fresh uterine lining.  While that shouldn’t have technically mattered, it might have.  We’re starting fresh.  I’m injecting 112.5 units of gonal-f daily starting yesterday and crossing my fingers and toes for 5 more beautiful follicles.  I go in for a scan and bloodwork on Friday.

My goal for the next week or so?  Keep busy and try not to think about failing another cycle!  Yesterday, I made and froze 21 meals for when the OHSS monster strikes again.  I want to keep eating healthy even when I don’t feel good.  Having healthy food already made will help me do that.  All I have to do is pull it out the night before and put it in the slow cooker in the morning.  It couldn’t actually get any easier.

We also replaced the floor in the nursery over the weekend.  It looks amazing.  I’ll share pictures of it soon. 

Time Off

Surprise! Dr. Binor’s office is closed November 22 through 25 for Thanksgiving.  The probability of our IUI falling somewhere in those 4 days is so high that they told us we’d have to try on our own this month with or without gonal-f injections.  My first thought was that we were definitely going to keep trying with medication.  But after talking to Jeremy, we’ve decided to take the month off.  I don’t need OHSS symptoms in the middle of finals for nothing.  Again.

I’m so jealous of those of you with RE’s who are available every day of the year.  Want to know what’s super exciting?  Our IUI in December is likely to fall on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.  I think this might be the universe’s way of telling us to give up for now.

 

OHSS

Yep.  I’ve officially developed the dreaded Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome.

The cramps I was feeling the days after Monday’s IUI were just a precursor to yesterday’s OMG I’M DYING, SOMEONE IS STABBING ME WITH A KNIFE pain.  After a brief call to Dr. B’s office, I was told to take some tylenol, rest, and come in for an ultrasound in the morning… Talk about tough love.

Today they found lots of fluid in my abdominal cavity and enlarged ovaries.  Woo! The bad news?  There’s nothing they can do about it other than keep an eye on it for now.  The good news?  It won’t affect my ability to get pregnant this cycle.  Even worse news?  If I am pregnant, it’s going to last even longer thanks to the excess hcg that will be in my system.  At least then it will be worth it.

They’re checking my white blood cell count, just in case, and I was told to clear my schedule and stay off my feet for a while and to hydrate like crazy.

I had to stay home from class last night, so I was home for Halloween.  I hung out on the couch and watched Jeremy hand  out candy.  This is the first time we’ve ever handed out candy, so it was kind of exciting.  Until Jeremy opened the door with the bowl of candy and said, “Hey, little girls..” to 2 little girls.  It was a little creepy.  We had to have a discussion on the proper way to talk to small children without freaking their parents out. 😉  He had the hang of it by the end of the night.  He definitely made the evening humorous though.

Skilly and Bella really liked the activity.  They had never seen Trick or Treaters before.  Alice hid under the bed. 😉

10 days until testing day.

Nursery, check.

I have a confession.  Over the past 2 weeks, I’ve almost completely furnished our future nursery.  Seriously.  Baby?  Not so much.  Baby furniture?  Check.

In my defense, I haven’t gone out looking for a single one of these items.  I also haven’t paid a dime for any of them.

My best friend, Jessica, was getting rid of one of her boys’ cribs.  She was actually selling it for $10.  It’s nice and white and plain, exactly what I had envisioned for our future nursery.  Jeremy and I thought $10 was worth the chance we might never use it.  I called her up and asked her about it and she told me we could just have it.  Because she’s awesome like that. 🙂  We still need a mattress, but that’s nothing.  Crib, check.

My mother- and father-in-law are giving us Jeremy’s old dresser from when he was a baby for our new house.  It’s nice and sturdy and just needs a couple coats of paint.  It’s tall too, so it’s perfect for a changing pad to sit on top.  Dresser, check.

My dad’s ex-wife just texted and asked if we needed a dinning room table, a glider and ottoman, and a couple twin sized beds for the new house.  I jumped on the glider.  It was the one she used when my brothers were babies.  It needs some paint and the cushions need to be recovered, but I’m crafty like that and there are tutorials everywhere.  I’m in love with this one.  Glider, check.

I didn’t originally plan on our nursery being second hand furniture, but the more I think about it, the more I like the idea.  We’re saving a TON of money and being green at the same time.  The crib and glider will probably be sitting in our garage until we need them; there’s no way I can handle seeing them set up in the extra bedroom collecting dust.

Which brings me to the topic of the extra bedroom.  We have 3 bedrooms in our new house.  One will be our bedroom, the smallest will be my office, and the third is supposed to be for the baby.  We don’t want to make it a nursery yet.  That’s a sure way to send me packing to crazy town, but the thought of it sitting empty makes me so sad.  We were debating whether spending the money to furnish it as a guest bedroom was worth it though.  We’ve decided to paint the walls gray (the color I want the nursery to be) and furnish it as a guest bedroom using other inherited furniture.  We’re going to take the 2 twin beds from my dad’s ex-wife and make them into a king sized bed.  We’re also going to paint and use the dresser from Jeremy’s parents.  Some drapes on the windows and maybe a piece of artwork on the walls and it should be good to go.  I’m making a bright quilt for the bed to add some color to the room.
The quilt will be gender neutral too, so it can stay in the room once it’s not a guest bedroom anymore.  We’ve decided this is a good compromise on the use of space.  We don’t need to buy anything but sheets and some paint.  The room will still be used and it hopefully won’t make me want to cry whenever I walk past.

Blah… Why does life have to be so complicated.  I suppose if it wasn’t this it would be something else.  I’ll tell you what though,  I don’t know if I’ll ever take happy, simple moments for granted ever again.

Tomorrow is more blood work, another ultrasound, and sperm check.  I’m nervous, but I don’t have the bad feeling I had before last week’s tests.  Maybe the results won’t be so bad.  Or maybe they will.  They might crush our dream.  They might give us hope.  Or they might leave us feeling more confused than ever.  But tomorrow is going to come.

I’ve packed my day full tomorrow, just in case.

Mucus Overrated.

Remember that time a few months ago when I thought we’d figured things out?  Remember when that turned out to be all wrong? Remember when we thought we’d figured it out again?  And then that turned out to be wrong? Again.  No?  Well, it did.

Today’s monitoring appointment was bad.  All around.  My estrogen at day 13? 53.  Everything I’ve read said it should be at least 100.  And follicles?  A couple on my right ovary, but they’re all too underdeveloped.  And my post coital test?  1 sperm.  1 single, non-swimming sperm.  Why?  They’re leaning towards thick cervical mucus, but they’re repeating a semen analysis just to be sure.  Luck us.  They’re not bothering with another blood draw/ultrasound before I “ovulate.”  They don’t think it would be beneficial.  Jeremy and I are both going back next Thursday.  They’ll be checking follicles, progesterone, and sperm count.  Fun, right?

I had a bad feeling last night.  For some reason, I was dreading going to the office today.  Granted, the post coital test was freaking me out, but it was more than that.  The dread was still there when I woke up this morning and it  persisted all through the appointment.  After that, it just put me in a bad/gloomy mood (more so than usual).  But, because of the gloominess that was there when they called with these test results, it didn’t feel as bad as I thought it was going to.  It sucks.  I really really really sucks, but I’m not curled up in the fetal position in the shower bawling.  I’m saving that for after next week’s appointment. 😉

If you’ve never had a post coital test, it’s a lot like a pap smear.  A really awkward pap smear…  They ask you when you had intercourse the night before and then get to it.  I had some cramping afterwards.  It wasn’t awful and the nurses are totally used to it.

I don’t really know what to think about this.  It’s silly to draw conclusions until we have the whole month’s worth of data, but it’s hard to not see the very worst in this situation.  In my head, we’re going to be jumping straight to an IUI, but in reality tweaking my estrogen levels might fix everything.  It’s impossible to know for sure until after next week’s test.

We could be receiving some heartbreaking information a week from now.  Or we could be filled with a renewed hope.  I can’t focus on it though.  I can’t keep thinking about it like I am because it’s not doing any good.  I’m so thankful we have our house to think about now.  We’re still looking at August 30 for closing.  That’s just 28 days from now.  4 weeks.

We spent some time at Home Depot this evening picking out the hardwood floors we want to put it the living room, dining room, hallway, and bedrooms, and the white subway tile we’re putting in the kitchen and bathroom.  I’ve got almost all of my books packed up.  22 boxes of books are chilling in my living room right now.  We’ve picked out paint colors.  I just have to keep moving towards that goal.  Keep packing.  Keep thinking about decorating.  It makes me happy and I need all the happy I can get.

16: The Facts of Life

1. I am 24 years old.

2.  I am not overweight.  I am not underweight.

3.  I don’t drink caffeine or alcohol.

4.  I eat generally healthy foods.

5.  I got married and I finished college.

6.  I love my husband very much.

7.  I take a prenatal vitamin every night.

8. I go to fertility acupuncture once a week.

9.  I have unexplained infertility.

10.  I feel like a failure.

11.  We’re getting ready to start our second round of clomid.

12.  I will be 25 before we have a baby.  I said the same thing last year about being 24.

13.  I have no idea what we’re doing wrong.

Ps.  Happy National Infertility Awareness Week.  Or something.

Drug of Champions.

While awaiting the arrival of my period this week, I swore at it multiple times that it should stop screwing around and just start already.  Thank goodness it didn’t.

After Jeremy’s AMAZING urology appointment thismorning, I stopped by the OB/GYN department to leave a message for my doctor.  She didn’t want to start clomid unless Jeremy had some super awesome test results.  He had some super awesome test results.  I won’t gross you out bore you with the details, but even our usually stoic urologist was impressed by the improvement.

I start clomid on Monday.  Had my period started 2 days earlier, I probably would have had to wait until next month to start it.  While a month isn’t all that much in the grand scheme of things, I’m anxious to get this show on the road.

I’m so happy that Jeremy doesn’t have to worry about anything now.  While I’m still waging war on how I feel about my unexplained, failure of a reproductive system, I’m happy to be trying something new.  I feel like we have a chance this month.

Soooo, 5 days of clomid, untold side effects, and a blood draw in 19 days.  I’m all over this.  I will beast this cycle. Beast.

On and On and On…

I’m in a good place today.  The temperature in Chicago is supposed to hit 60 degrees.  LOVE it!

The last time I posted, I mentioned burning down my parents’ barn… No, that wasn’t an emotional threat.  It happened. 😉  It was old and unsalvageable, so away it went.

Isn’t the view behind it pretty?  They’re putting a pond in instead.  These fires were massive.  They were so hot it was hard to get close to them.  We didn’t need coats and it was fantastic.  We had fun too.

I call this series "Smooches"

 

In other news, Jeremy and I are the proud new parents of two 8 week old rats.  Yes, rats.  They’re like mini cats, dogs, and bunnies.  They’re adorable!

Roxy and Molly

They live in my office.  We’re still getting used to each other.  When they’re adults, they can weigh up to a pound and a half each.  Woo!  Right now, Roxy weighs 2.8 oz and Molly weighs 2.3 oz.
Last night, I feel like they gave us a glimpse into parenthood.  Molly was sitting on my shoulder and Jeremy said, “I hope we’re not going to screw them up.”  😉  We’re very nervous about getting our baby rats to be super tame.  If we’re nervous about this, how bad is it goes to be when we get an actual human baby?  They give us something to focus on though, something to parents that needs parenting.

We even have feuding siblings! 😉

Meanwhile, Jeremy got his appointment with the urologist moved up to March 23rd.  That’s in 2 1/2 weeks!  We’ll have some definitive answers in 2 1/2 weeks!  I feel like this whole process has been dragging on and on and on and on.  I see the light at the end of the diagnostic tunnel.  The infertility treatment tunnel is on the other side, but we’re coming to the end of a HUGE tunnel.

I’m getting outside today with Alice and Bella.  It’s almost garden season. ❤