Too Tired to Care

Dude, it’s over-emotional central over here.

It could be stemming from a number of things including… 1. We are almost finished with our last assisted cycle.  If this doesn’t work, the chance of us having our own kids is very slim.  2. One year ago tomorrow, we found out we were pregnant.  One year ago on Tuesday, we found out our baby had died.  3. There are so many artificial hormones floating through my body!!  4. I’m just exhausted.

There’s just a lot going on right now.

We’ve been looking more into adoption and, more recently, more into foster care.  I don’t know if I’m ready, or comfortable handing $10,000+ that I don’t have over for a baby.  The idea of buying a baby is still really bothering me and I can’t seem to shake it.  It’s probably still something we’ll do eventually, but I think we’re keeping our options open and hoping and praying that something good falls into our laps.  We could really use something good.

I’m just so tired of having to work so hard at something most people don’t even have to think about.  I want that weekend in Vegas baby.

Yesterday’s monitoring showed that I probably only ended up with 1 egg this time.  1 egg.  The rest of the follicles are still hanging out, getting bigger, and turning into cysts.  That’s so nice….  They did assure me that I have a wonderful ratio of estrogen to progesterone.  Although I’m not sure I care any more.  I’m just too tired.

Meanwhile the greyhounds got collar lights last weekend.  They now glow in the dark.  Love them.

IUI #6/3

I’m so over these injections.  Knowing that we’re almost done has not made doing them any easier.  One more gonal-f tonight and then a novarel tomorrow and then, cross your fingers, I’m done injecting hormones into my body.  YAY!

I went in for a follicle count and blood work today.  She found 5 follicles, but only one looked like it would be dominant.  I’m a little bummed out.  We decreased the meds in hopes that 6 follicles would go down to maybe 2 or 3 follicles, but it looks like one it is.  My estrogen came back at 374, so we definitely have 1 really solid follicle, maybe even a second by Friday.

Friday is IUI #6/3.  It will only be cycle day 11.  It’s rather early, but if follicles are ready, then they’re ready, right?

This seems to have gone fast, but the early IUI coupled with the fact that I’ve been done with a horrible cold since this past weekend is probably why.  I’ve heard it’s going around and with the huge number of different students I see on a daily basis, it’s not surprising that it got me.

What do I do when I’m sick?  Knit socks of course.  The socks that I started a couple weeks ago got finished up last night…

 

Find the pattern here.

You can also catch a glimpse of the new nursery floor and wall color in that picture.  I’ve been too sick and/or preoccupied to take good pictures of it so far.  I’ll get there eventually.  For now, I’d prefer to nap on my couch. 🙂

Someone hand me a baby!

Still waiting on the outcome of this cycle.  I don’t feel either excited or depressed.  I’m anxious to feel better again.  The cabergoline worked to an extent when it came to preventing the OHSS again.  The pain, while not good, was bearable and not nearly as bad as last month.  The swelling, however, hasn’t been helped.

I went in to Dr. B’s on Monday for bloodwork and ultrasound and, again, Sherry was really surprised by how swollen my poor ovaries are.  But what else is new?…  She did see, however, two distinct corpus luteums… lutea?  Which is what is left of the collapsed follicle after a woman ovulates.  It produces progesterone.  Other than when I had my lap, no one had ever mentioned seeing one of those on my ovaries before.  It was big and obvious and even I could see it on the screen.  Excellent.  Unfortunately, she also saw a few large follicles that didn’t ovulate.  Crossing my fingers they don’t turn into cysts.  But seeing both of the corpus lutea was great!

It was followed up by excellent hormone numbers for a cycle day 19 check.  My estrogen was still nice and high at 395 and my progesterone had rocketed up to 147 —  the highest it’s ever been.  While my estrogen isn’t as high as last cycle (900+), it’s much much higher than anything I had pre-lap.

The numbers, coupled with the corpus lutea, are excellent indicators of a beautiful ovulation and sustained uterine lining.  I wish it could tell us more.  It looks like we had at least 2 eggs this cycle.  Maybe more based on estrogen numbers.  But 2 is a fine number.  Much better than 6…

Symptoms-wise, my belly is swollen from the ohss and attracting stares if I don’t keep it under wraps…  Thankful, over the past few months, I’ve collected a nice variety of flowing shirts that hide a nonexistent pregnancy from the stares and questions of students.  I love them, but in their minds, I’m young and married and should be having babies… They’re waiting impatiently.  Meanwhile, they’re having babies before me…  Blech.

I’m more moody than I’ve ever been on a medicated cycle.  I’m venturing to guess that I’m even more moody than I was after 3 months of lupron.  Maybe not so weepy, but a lot more angry.  It’s irritating.

My boobs hurt again.  They’re always fairly painful after a novarel trigger.  Then it goes away and doesn’t come back.  They were uncomfortable for a couple days, and now they’re starting to hurt again.  That could just be pms.

My skin is clearing up.  I’ve never had such painful breakouts as I did this cycle.  I don’t know if it was the cabergoline or just the prolonged use of fertility meds, but it really hurt.  Progesterone supplements usually help clear my skin and over the last few days it’s finally clearing up.  I always breakout before my period starts though, so that will be a sign…

Other than that, I’m working a different, but not necessarily new, job as one of my supervisors is on a surprise maternity leave.  She just adopted a brand new baby.  I got to hold her on Monday and it was heavenly.  I don’t think I’ve held such a little baby since my niece was born 8 years ago.  I usually shy away from newborns, but knowing the struggle they went through to get her, I couldn’t help but snuggle her a little closer.  It made me realize how badly I want a baby.  Being pregnant is just a vehicle to get a baby.  I don’t really care how our baby comes to us anymore.  I’m realizing that a little more every day…

More this weekend. 🙂

That Escalated Quickly..

Why yes, Ron Burgundy, yes it did. 😉

I went in for monitoring this morning for my day 14 follicle check.  It was the first check of this cycle and I really wasn’t sure what we’d find since we haven’t been babysitting my follicles like we normally do.  After drawing 7 VIALS OF BLOOD for my autoimmune workup, I headed over to the ultrasound room where we found one very adorable 19 mm follicle sitting pretty on my right ovary.  Not as big as last month, but not a bad size at all.  While they said it depended on how my blood work came back, they were planning on a Friday morning IUI.  Good thing too because my novarel hasn’t come in the mail yet.

Just kidding.  My estrogen came back at 243 with a Lh of 36.  That follicle is ready to go.  Like now.  So we’re heading back bright and early tomorrow morning for IUI #3.  I’m crossing my fingers that UPS doesn’t drop the ball and that my novarel will be here soon.  I have two syringes full of ovidrel in my fridge just in case, but Dr. B is finding his patients are having better success with… intramuscular injections… Oi… My rear end hurts just thinking about what’s in store for it later this evening.

My awesome older sister has volunteered to stab that bad boy in for me since Jeremy can’t guarantee me he won’t choke halfway through.  I appreciate his honestly because.. ow… Although I do secretly wonder if she’s looking forward to stabbing a needle an inch into my butt.  It’s something everyone has secretly dreamed of doing to their siblings, right?  😉  Either way, it’s getting done.  It’s science. 😉

Come on, IUI #3, we’re rooting for you!!

Chiropractic Infertility Treatment

I LOVE this graphic.  I found it on pinterest and can’t find the source.  But I just thought it was so perfect.

  Still waiting on my period to start.  I’ve had a little spotting off and on, but nothing more yet.  Of course.  If it starts today, or even tomorrow, we still have a shot at an IUI this month.  BUT, I finally made another appointment with Dr. B.  We haven’t seen him since the end of our monitoring cycle in August and I just really need to know where we’re at and what he thinks.

I want to pick his brain about a diagnosis.  Will he want to do a lap?  I’m just not content with his wait and see/ conservative approach and I want to know why my cycles continue to be so wonky despite the huge amounts of extra hormones we’re pumping into my body.  So we go see him again two weeks from yesterday.

I also made an appointment with a local chiropractor to get my uterus, my hips, and my lower back checked.  My cousin and her husband are chiropractors and really advocate using adjustments to keep the whole body healthy.  I chatted with her last night about it and she said there are a lot of connections between your hips, lower back, and uterus.  I wish I could go see them, but they live in Grand Rapids. 😦 I’m going to see this guy on Saturday morning.  I’ve always had a lot of hip and lower back pain, so maybe there’s something to this.   Any tips or personal experiences about chiropractic infertility treatments?

In other news, I’m pushing through final projects.  One week from tonight and I’ll be done for the semester!  I’m drinking too much coffee and not getting nearly enough sleep.  And I’m definitely not eating well.  Prenatal vitamins?  Oopsies…  Thank goodness we took this cycle off.

On Tuesday, Snow White had her first vet appointment.  It went well.  Afterwards, we met my sister and her goldendoodle, Mr. Smith, at the dog park so the cousins could play together.  Snow White never stops running. 😉

It’s finally cooling down here (again).  The greyhounds are back in their jackets when we go outside.  And they’ve both fallen in love with our wood burning fireplace. 😉

 

 

COME ONNNN, WINTER BREAK!!

I was listening to the radio this morning while I was running errands and they were talking about the best places in the world to be pregnant and have a baby in terms of comfort, safety, and cost.  Not surprisingly, the US didn’t even make the top ten.  At the top of the list was Switzerland followed by Australia.  Bébé Suisse and Laughing Promises, I’m coming to live with you when we get pregnant. 😉

Nothing new here.  I’m taking advantage of feeling good this cycle by getting things done around the house and finishing all of my final projects (aka consuming lots of caffeine).  I’d forgotten how good it is to feel normal.  Not injecting myself or popping pills all month has been glorious.

I’m waiting anxiously for my period to start now.  If it starts before Friday, we should be able to go ahead with our 3rd IUI in December.  If it starts anywhere from December 8 through December 12, we will probably have to wait until January.  As much as I’ve enjoyed this month off, I would like to get this show on the road.  Especially because I’ll be on winter break for December’s IUI and won’t have to worry about getting things done.  I can be free to obsess about my angry uterus.

I am 1  2 minute movie creation about community and school politics, 1 power point on the same topic, 6 final lesson plans, 1 two page paper about school observations, 1 essay annotation, 4 tutoring hours, and 1 final exam away from winter break.  I am so ready for this.

We took advantage of Chicago’s 60 degree weather yesterday and put our Christmas lights on the house.  It looks so pretty. =)

Also, I finished Skill Set’s Christmas jacket.  Although, since it’s supposed to get to 70 degrees today, I’m not sure he’s going to get to wear it this year..

23: What is Going on?

And we’re on to IUI #3.  This cycle lasted a magical 25 days.  What is that?  I’ve only ever had one cycle shorter than this and that was July’s WTF 23 day cycle.  Interestingly enough, I’m not horribly sad about it.  But I am so incredibly angry.  The severity of my OHSS was rare.  And it was for nothing.  I’ve spent the past 2 weeks in bed and in pain for absolutely nothing.  Now, we get to do it all over again.  Our next IUI will fall on the day after Thanksgiving depending on follicle growth.  I’m waiting to hear what’s on the menu medication-wise for this cycle.  I’m not sure if I’m hoping for higher gonal-f or not.

On the positive side, most of my OHSS symptoms disappeared soon after my period started.  For now, I’m just a little bloated still.

We’re spending the morning raking our leaves and mowing the grass for the last time before all of that snow hits us tomorrow. I love snow.  And then we’re going shopping because I don’t know whose body I’m living in, but it’s not the one I’m used to.

Here We Go Again.

After taking the past week and a half to step back and process what happened, I think I’m in a better place.  We’re not as devastated or as shocked and we’re better able to look at the loss of our baby logically.  Don’t get me wrong, I think it will be a good long while before I stop feeling so heartbroken, but we’re moving on with life because it’s the only thing we can do.

I’ve been injecting 112.5 units of Gonal-f for the past week.  Wednesday’s CD 9 appointment revealed 2 follicles (16 mm and 10 mm) and an estrogen level of 140.  That’s almost triple what my estrogen was at this point last month on 75 units of Gonal-f.   They didn’t think the 10mm follicle would mature enough, so it was looking like another 1 follicle cycle.  But, with the higher estrogen, I wasn’t complaining.

At today’s CD 11 appointment,  they found both follicles had grown to 17 mm.  2 follicles.  Finally.  My estrogen came back at a whopping 246 (it was 247 at our CD 15 IUI last cycle).  Our IUI is scheduled first thing Monday morning with an ovidrel injection on Sunday afternoon.  Yet again, everything looks perfect.  Maybe the higher estrogen and double follicles will do the trick this time.

It feels like this one came up so quickly.  I know it’s just because so much has been going on, but I’m thankful the time hasn’t been dragging.  The extra Gonal-f in my system has really been kicking my butt.  I feel a lot like I felt when I was taking clomid (minus the cysts of death).  Headaches, epic fatigue, cramps, forgetfulness, and confusion/spaciness.  My focus has been completely gone this week.  It took me close to 5 hours on Tuesday to create a 40 minute lesson plan.  I can usually pump those bad boys out within an hour.  It is what it is though.  I’m trying not to think about it.  I’m not getting my hopes up about this IUI.  I’m not terrified it’s not going to work.  I can handle that.  I’m worried we’re going to lose another baby (or babies this time).  If it happens again, I think we’ll be done trying for a while.

I’ve got a list of things I want to get done this weekend.  After Monday, I’m going to be afraid to move…  I’ll update Monday afternoon.

The Looming IUI

The past ten days have been so crazy busy…

It’s been a… greyhound smooching, long dog walking, presentation giving, epic cleaning, baking, ultrasound getting, cooking, Ikea shopping, family gathering, Grandmother hosting, church going, medication injecting, fireplace snuggling, coffee drinking, IUI scheduling, dog coat making, follicle growing, winter clothes wearing… week and a half. 🙂

Skill came home over a week ago, and it almost seems like he’s always lived here.  He’s probably one of the very best things we could have done for ourselves.  He’s a million times more effective than therapy and a million times cuter.  He’s the least demanding dog I’ve ever met.  He’s so relaxed and docile that it’s easy to forget he’s there.  He sleeps close to 20 hours a day, but he always makes sure he’s snoozing in the same room I’m in, so I’m never completely alone.  He loves Jeremy and I completely and I didn’t think we could love a dog as much as we love him already.  He’s sweet and affectionate and is happy to just be around us.  He sleeps on our bedroom floor straight through the night and is almost completely indifferent towards the cats.  The cats warmed up to him after only a few days and now happily curl up in bed with us despite him being just a few feet away.

Our family feels good.  I feel somewhat content for the first time in years.  I don’t know if it will last, but I’m so happy and thankful for this goofy and sensitive dog. 🙂

In other news, my grandmother and aunt came to visit this weekend and stayed with us.  It’s the first overnight company we’ve had here and the first time I’ve ever hosted a family gathering.  It was such a nice weekend. 🙂  We chatted and baked and cooked and shopped and just spent time together.

It was all a welcome distraction from our upcoming IUI.  Thursday’s day 8 ultrasound found a lot of little follicles, but nothing dominant.  My estrogen was at 50.  Today’s day 12 ultrasound found one 18mm follicle.  Just one again.  I’m a little bummed out, but Dr. B said he’d rather see one good sized follicle with good estrogen, than two ok sized follicles splitting the estrogen.  I don’t even know if I have the energy to care really.  Between having company all weekend and the Gonal-f injections, I’m wiped out.  I don’t think I even have the emotional energy to invest in this cycle.  I’m just going to do what they tell me to do for now and see what happens.  We’ve never tried an IUI before and the Gonal-f is working — I have a large follicle and estrogen levels to prove it.

I go back for more blood work and an ultrasound on Wednesday morning.  They’re aiming for Thursday or Friday for the IUI.  Jeremy offered to take the whole day off, which I’m incredibly thankful for.  We might not be making a baby the old fashioned way, but at least he’ll be in the room when it happens and with me afterwards.

I’m taking the week easy and catching up on homework and actual work.  School is going alright.. sort of.  But that’s for another post.

21: Staying Focused

Just kidding again!! Isn’t it funny how easily I can jinx myself. 😉  I woke up at 5:30 yesterday morning feeling a little crampy.  I was awake, so I thought I’d just slip into the bathroom and pee on a stick.  I waited the 3 minutes and was eyeballing the single line trying to find some trace of a second when my period started.  Oh, the timing…

Yesterday was hard, but having things to look forward to and work on really really helped.  Jeremy took the morning off and not being all alone like I usually am really helped too.

Dr. B’s office called yesterday afternoon to tell me to start injecting 75 units of Gonal-F again, but this time we’re starting on day 5 instead of 8.  She made sure I was clear on that and casually threw in that Dr. B wants to try an IUI this cycle.  I squeaked out an “Ok” and managed to hold off on a mild panic attack until I was off the phone.
I know I’ve been pushing for an IUI, but now that it’s here, now that it’s something we really and truly need… I’m terrified.  It’s really scary to me that my body is so screwed up.

Jeremy was pushing to take this cycle off, and while part of me wonders if that would be a good idea, there are some facts I can’t ignore and all of them have to do with insurance deductibles and coverage.  We’ve met certain deductibles already and I lose my primary form of insurance on my birthday.  So it’s all too obvious that getting pregnant before I turn 25 in December would save us a lot of money.  I hate that we have to think that way, but we have to be realistic and responsible about this.

So we’ll be paying for this IUI mostly out of pocket and, while I’ll be praying it works and I never have to think about it again, we’ll know the next one or two will be 100% covered.  And that makes me feel a little bit better about things.

Things I’m not ok with? One follicle.  This past cycle on Gonal-F, we ended up with 1 decently sized follicle.  I’m not ok with that when it comes to an IUI.  I’m aware it only takes one egg, but so far, one egg hasn’t been cutting it.  Dr. B is SOOOO conservative, which I appreciate… to an extent.  We may need to have a discussion..

Finally…. how painful is an IUI? Do you usually feel just fine afterwards?  Should I clear my day just in case?

Skill will be here to stay in less than 11 hours.  I’m hanging curtains in the family room today and fertilizing the vinca.  I’m aiming for a very chill day. 🙂

Ps.  I’m LOVING the cool weather.