Obligatory Infertile Mother’s Day Post.

I’m in a lot of pain today.  From my bellybutton down, it hurts.  My doctor pretty much told me to take a tylenol and suck it up.  And she wonders why I feel like she doesn’t take me seriously… 😉  I didn’t have pain like this last month, but if she tells me not to worry about it, I’m not going to.  I’m just going to lay on the couch and whine that I’m dying. 😛

Clomid, I’m going to punch you in the face.  With my fist.  Hard.

I was at Target with my sister this afternoon.  They put baby swimsuits right by the books.  They were really cute.  =/

I’m in a funk.  And I’m pretty sure it’s stemming from Mother’s Day.  Last year was irritating.  This year it feels unbearable.  I haven’t looked at cards.  I’ve only briefly thought about flowers.  If I can get away with hiding in bed all day on Sunday, I’ll count it as a day well spent.

Honestly?  I’m angry about Mother’s Day.  I’m angry that we can’t celebrate the way we should be celebrating.  I’m angry that I’m in so much pain right now.  I have zero faith in my reproductive system this month.  Probably because we got our hopes up so much last month.  I’m angry that I’m putting my body through this, but know I would be kicking myself if we didn’t try our hardest.  I went to freaking Texas so we could give it our best shot for goodness sake.  I’m angry that I don’t want to celebrate Mother’s Day because I have the best mother and mother-in-law a girl could ask for.

And I’m tired.  I’m so tired of thinking about this.  I’m so tired of being angry and sad.  I’m so tired of the constant roller coaster of emotions.  I’m so tired of beating my body up like this.

I would really really really like a glass of wine.  Or maybe a bottle.  But I can’t.  Because I’m a responsible infertile with another  10 days to wait.  fml.

Also, I currently weigh more than I’ve ever weighed in my life.  Clomid water weight or not, this is not improving my mood.

12: “Not Pregnant”

I had an unusually long cycle this month.  Long as in I was 4 days late. 4.  We got our hopes up.  So up that I ventured to use one of our digital pregnancy tests when I woke up today.  They aren’t cheap and I’ve been saving them.

My period started right after this came up.  Double whammy.

It’s a bummer, but I’m finding comfort in the fact that Jeremy goes to see the urologist on Tuesday and I go see my doctor a couple weeks after that.  It will give me something to focus on.

I’m still working on healthy recipes.  I’m going to start posting our favorites soon.  Jeremy’s been a trooper when it comes to his vitamins, eating healthy, and cutting back on caffeine and alcohol.  We’ve got a lot of wine in the house right now because Christmas and my birthday were last weekend and we I wasn’t drinking.  So I’ll be drinking some of that tonight. 😉

Our Christmas was pretty good.  I was more emotional  that usual, but it really hit me that if we’d gotten pregnant when we started trying 12 cycles ago, we would have had a baby to share Christmas with by now.

I am, however, loving the novels, history, gardening, cooking, and preserving books my family showered me with this year.  Jeremy gave me a super cute journal.  I’m hoping it will encourage me to do more journaling as life seems to make more sense when I can write it out.

Christmas/Birthday = Book Heaven

I’m going to start planning my garden out in January.  I’m totally revamping it this spring.  I’m dying to start utilizing all of the square-foot gardening techniques, but it’s silly to build raised beds if we end up buying a house this summer.

Meanwhile, I’ve started my application to Aurora University’s Post-Baccalaureate Secondary Education Certification program.  I’m aiming to start in the fall.  It should take me 2 years with all of the endorsements and extra certifications I want.  If I hate teaching high school, I should be more than prepared at that point to teach adults and get paid for it. 😉

More later, I just wanted to give you a quick update on life.

Seven

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqWLpTKBFcU

“No one ever said it would be this hard” – Coldplay

Today marks the beginning of our 7th month trying to have a baby.  It’s been a bad day.  I’m frustrated.  I’m angry.  I’m sad.

We spent so long trying not to have a baby.  We were so careful because we knew we wouldn’t have been good parents then.  We didn’t want to be parents.  We didn’t have steady income, didn’t have our degrees, didn’t have space, didn’t have time, didn’t have the desire to parent.  Now, we have all of those things.  And no baby.

I look at all the women around me who never had to try to have a baby.  Women who got pregnant on accident or on their first try.  And I’m so jealous.  And then I’m angry at myself because I have so much to be thankful for.   I have a wonderful husband, a wonderful family, a place to live, fabulous friends.   But we always have a tendency to look at what we don’t have, don’t we.

I’m trying to keep myself busy now.  I’ve remade quite a few dresses and shirts that I don’t wear lately.  I just got our new dog collars listed in our store.  I finished The Help by Kathryn Stockett.  I always try to read books before the movie comes out.  I like to critique them. 😉  It was a good book.  I’ve really gotten into African American lit since I took Kim Ruffin’s Af Am Lit class last spring (and aced it 😉 ).  I re-read The Hunger Games trilogy in anticipation of the movie that comes out next year.  I think that might be up there with my favorite series ever.  I like that there’s no magic, no mystical figures.  I like that the main character is an average person with obvious flaws.  Right now, I’m reading Inconceivable by Carolyn and Sean Savage.   They underwent IVF for their very last baby only to find out another couple’s embryo got implanted by mistake.  Oops.  It’s a really good book though.  It’ll make you pretty weepy.  I think that brings my grand total for the summer up to 10 books.  I need to keep reading though.  Books help me stay busy.  Betty White’s autobiography is up next and I’m sure that will keep me entertained. 😉
Meanwhile, my grandmother is coming to visit on Friday.  She’s teaching my sister, Becky, and me some fabulous cooking tips, since the two of us are pretty incompetent in the kitchen. I know, Mom, we can read recipes…. 😉  I’m hoping cooking with her will give me another hobby to hop into.  Poor Jeremy doesn’t always get the most nutritious dinners…
After she leaves, I’m heading up to Wisconsin to visit Jessica and Tyler for a couple days.  Here’s hoping for an early labor, Jess. 😉

I need more distractions.  Teaching is going well and my knitting class is scheduled to start in September.  Becky, my mom, and I might be taking a ceramics class at the community college this fall too.  I’m really looking forward to that.  I love ceramics and I love spending time with my sister and mom.

I’m trying to focus on the positives.  I’m trying to stay optimistic.  It’s not abnormal for young couples to try for a year before they get pregnant.  Plus, I just ordered a fancy digital ovulation kit via Amazon.  Technology and science are on my side. 😉

And so, here’s a brand new chart, for a brand new month.  Anything can happen…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

La La La

I’ve had this horrible cold for the past few days and it just moved into my chest. Summer colds blow. Humidity… Yuck. I’ve been hiding in my bedroom with the AC on high. The cats have been hanging out in there because the rest of the apartment is disgustingly hot and humid. I also bribe them with treats. 😉
We dragged the flat screen into the bedroom and I’ve been watching obscene amounts of Victorian Era miniseries. I’ve started thinking in Victorian era language. Don’t mind me, just call me Jane. 😉 My favorite so far has been based on Elizabeth Gaskell’s Wives and Daughters. I haven’t read it yet, but I like the story and might pick it up over winter break. It has a happy ending. 🙂
I’m finishing up a 3 book series on Josephine Bonaparte and then I really need to start on my fall semester reading. My goal is to get at least 4 of my novels read in the next 5 weeks. Can I do it? Probably.
This semester is going to be so crazy. I’m really looking forward to my classes though. I’ve got a great mix that will probably result in an intellectual overload by mid-October. 😉

Next up: rereading The Great Gatsby by F Scott Fitzgerald. 🙂