Pre-FET Anxiety

FET #2 is tomorrow at 11:30.

Unlike last time, where time seemed to crawl, time has seemed to speed up this cycle.  I’m not ready for this.  I’m scared and anxious.  I don’t feel the joy and positivity I felt last time.   I haven’t slept for a full night in 2 weeks.  Whether that’s from the anxiety or the medication, that’s anyone’s guess.

I’m still having nightmares about the embryos not thawing or something going horribly wrong.  I had to put in writing yesterday that while the plan is to thaw and transfer 2 embryos, if neither of them survive the thaw the clinic has my permission to continue thawing embryos until they get 1 viable embryo.  That’s terrifying.  What if they have to thaw all 4 just to get one to thaw?  What if we don’t have anymore frozen?  What if this transfer is our last shot?

I know two thawed with no problem last transfer, but they’ve been moved and jostled since then.  What if our decision to move to another clinic ruined our chances to have our own babies?

I suppose it’s good that I’ve been so fixated on the thawing.  I haven’t given much energy to the thoughts of what come after that.  It just doesn’t seem as concerning to me for some reason.  It’s weird.  I know.

And I know that statistically, at least 3 of those embryos should thaw just fine. I know this.  But it’s not stopping the anxiety.

It’s probably not the thaw that’s really freaking me out.  It’s probably the whole idea of doing this again.  Of getting pregnant again. Of miscarrying again.

This is exhausting.  I am exhausted.  I want this to work.  I hope it doesn’t sound like I don’t.  I’ve just had so much experience with it not working.  Ever.

This has turned into a much more negative post than I wanted.  I’m going to try to spend the rest of the evening being hopeful and zen.  I promise.

 

FET #2 is Scheduled!

EEK, you guys!  They scheduled FET #2!  Apparently, UNC skips the period part and goes straight to meds.  I guess that makes sense considering they had me take 26 days of birth control instead of the normal 14 days.

My estrogen got super high last FET.  Close to 1500.  Maybe starting like this will keep it a bit lower?  We’ll see.

I go in for my baseline tomorrow and start taking Estrace 3 times a day on Sunday. 🙂

Projected FET #2 date: Friday, August 1.  Which means our first beta falls on Sunday, August 10.

I’m excited.  I got so excited as soon as I found out it was scheduled.  I was worried I’d be a weepy mess for the next 3 weeks, but I’m so ready!

More FET Prep…

I know, I suck for not updating about the embryos the day they arrived at the new clinic.  But they did get there.  And the embryologist called me that afternoon to tell me that they looked fine and were the correct temperature, which is the biggest concern when shipping embryos.  We won’t really know if they’re ok for sure until they are thawed.  It’s nerve wracking.

I keep having nightmares about them.  I used to dream about babies and babies being taken away from us.  Now I’m just dreaming about dying embryos.  I’m not sure which is worse.  I was in such a good place a couple weeks ago, but it’s almost like the embryo move made things more real.  We are doing another FET.  I took my last birth control pill on Tuesday and now we’re just waiting for my period to start.

My meds are in hand…
  I’m so happy to report that I will have ZERO injections this FET.  Just estrogen pills and progesterone gel.  I’ve heard the gel is messy, but it’s got to be less stressful than the progesterone in oil….

When I think progesterone in oil now, all I can think about is the few days after my 2nd beta fell when we had to keep doing the injections even though we knew the babies were dying.  I remember bending over the kitchen island so Jeremy could inject the estrogen and then the progesterone.  I sobbed and sobbed through it because the whole situation was so horrible.  I know that was really hard for him as well.

So when our new clinic offered to let us skip the injections (they told us to pick the least stressful method… duh… no needles here…) we jumped on it.  I love them.  I love them. I love them.  I know I keep saying that, but I don’t think I’ll ever take a good doctor for granted ever again.

And so we’re waiting.

On a positive note, I’m still frequenting the gym a lot.  If you remember, I started going regularly right after we found out about our last miscarriage.  A few week later, I set a goal that I wanted to lose 10 pounds before our next transfer.  I’m not overweight, not really.  However, I’ve definitely put some weight on over the past few years with all of the meds and bad news.  I wasn’t comfortable in my body and I blamed my body for killing my babies.  So I wanted to change the only thing I could: my weight and shape.  As of this week, I’ve met my goal. 🙂  10 pounds down and boy oh boy do I feel better in my own skin! 🙂  I think I could comfortably lose another 5 pounds, but I’m not really going to push it.

I had said that I wanted to run a 5k this fall, but with FET #2 falling in late July or early August, I’m not sure if that’s going to be feasible.  I think I might play it by ear.

My question.  Dr. M does not require bed rest.  She wants me to take it easy the day of transfer, but afterwards she wants me to go about my regularly scheduled activities.  Including the gym.  Right now, I’m running about 4-6 miles a week and probably walking another 2-3.  It’s not a lot, but it’s a lot more than I’ve ever done before.  When transfer rolls around, I will have been running fairly consistently for close to 4 months.  I’m terrified to do more than walk the dogs post-FET, but I know it’s going to be better for me (both mentally and physically) and the embryos if I stay active.  For those of you who have gone back to working out post-transfer, did you tone it down a lot or did you just not tack anything new onto your workouts?  This is definitely something I’ll be talking to the doctor about, but I thought I’d pick the brains of everyone else first. 🙂

Embryos En Route

Our embryos have just embarked on their 10 mile journey to the new clinic.

They were picked up from Cary, NC 20 minutes ago and will be delivered to UNC in Raleigh tomorrow.  This is the last step in getting completely transferred to the new clinic.  And the last piece of the puzzle for our second FET.

While I would have preferred to transport them myself, I’m just thankful it’s almost done.  So If you have a minute, say a little prayer for our last 4 embryos.  These 10 miles will be some longs ones.