The Looming IUI

The past ten days have been so crazy busy…

It’s been a… greyhound smooching, long dog walking, presentation giving, epic cleaning, baking, ultrasound getting, cooking, Ikea shopping, family gathering, Grandmother hosting, church going, medication injecting, fireplace snuggling, coffee drinking, IUI scheduling, dog coat making, follicle growing, winter clothes wearing… week and a half. 🙂

Skill came home over a week ago, and it almost seems like he’s always lived here.  He’s probably one of the very best things we could have done for ourselves.  He’s a million times more effective than therapy and a million times cuter.  He’s the least demanding dog I’ve ever met.  He’s so relaxed and docile that it’s easy to forget he’s there.  He sleeps close to 20 hours a day, but he always makes sure he’s snoozing in the same room I’m in, so I’m never completely alone.  He loves Jeremy and I completely and I didn’t think we could love a dog as much as we love him already.  He’s sweet and affectionate and is happy to just be around us.  He sleeps on our bedroom floor straight through the night and is almost completely indifferent towards the cats.  The cats warmed up to him after only a few days and now happily curl up in bed with us despite him being just a few feet away.

Our family feels good.  I feel somewhat content for the first time in years.  I don’t know if it will last, but I’m so happy and thankful for this goofy and sensitive dog. 🙂

In other news, my grandmother and aunt came to visit this weekend and stayed with us.  It’s the first overnight company we’ve had here and the first time I’ve ever hosted a family gathering.  It was such a nice weekend. 🙂  We chatted and baked and cooked and shopped and just spent time together.

It was all a welcome distraction from our upcoming IUI.  Thursday’s day 8 ultrasound found a lot of little follicles, but nothing dominant.  My estrogen was at 50.  Today’s day 12 ultrasound found one 18mm follicle.  Just one again.  I’m a little bummed out, but Dr. B said he’d rather see one good sized follicle with good estrogen, than two ok sized follicles splitting the estrogen.  I don’t even know if I have the energy to care really.  Between having company all weekend and the Gonal-f injections, I’m wiped out.  I don’t think I even have the emotional energy to invest in this cycle.  I’m just going to do what they tell me to do for now and see what happens.  We’ve never tried an IUI before and the Gonal-f is working — I have a large follicle and estrogen levels to prove it.

I go back for more blood work and an ultrasound on Wednesday morning.  They’re aiming for Thursday or Friday for the IUI.  Jeremy offered to take the whole day off, which I’m incredibly thankful for.  We might not be making a baby the old fashioned way, but at least he’ll be in the room when it happens and with me afterwards.

I’m taking the week easy and catching up on homework and actual work.  School is going alright.. sort of.  But that’s for another post.

Mucus Overrated.

Remember that time a few months ago when I thought we’d figured things out?  Remember when that turned out to be all wrong? Remember when we thought we’d figured it out again?  And then that turned out to be wrong? Again.  No?  Well, it did.

Today’s monitoring appointment was bad.  All around.  My estrogen at day 13? 53.  Everything I’ve read said it should be at least 100.  And follicles?  A couple on my right ovary, but they’re all too underdeveloped.  And my post coital test?  1 sperm.  1 single, non-swimming sperm.  Why?  They’re leaning towards thick cervical mucus, but they’re repeating a semen analysis just to be sure.  Luck us.  They’re not bothering with another blood draw/ultrasound before I “ovulate.”  They don’t think it would be beneficial.  Jeremy and I are both going back next Thursday.  They’ll be checking follicles, progesterone, and sperm count.  Fun, right?

I had a bad feeling last night.  For some reason, I was dreading going to the office today.  Granted, the post coital test was freaking me out, but it was more than that.  The dread was still there when I woke up this morning and it  persisted all through the appointment.  After that, it just put me in a bad/gloomy mood (more so than usual).  But, because of the gloominess that was there when they called with these test results, it didn’t feel as bad as I thought it was going to.  It sucks.  I really really really sucks, but I’m not curled up in the fetal position in the shower bawling.  I’m saving that for after next week’s appointment. 😉

If you’ve never had a post coital test, it’s a lot like a pap smear.  A really awkward pap smear…  They ask you when you had intercourse the night before and then get to it.  I had some cramping afterwards.  It wasn’t awful and the nurses are totally used to it.

I don’t really know what to think about this.  It’s silly to draw conclusions until we have the whole month’s worth of data, but it’s hard to not see the very worst in this situation.  In my head, we’re going to be jumping straight to an IUI, but in reality tweaking my estrogen levels might fix everything.  It’s impossible to know for sure until after next week’s test.

We could be receiving some heartbreaking information a week from now.  Or we could be filled with a renewed hope.  I can’t focus on it though.  I can’t keep thinking about it like I am because it’s not doing any good.  I’m so thankful we have our house to think about now.  We’re still looking at August 30 for closing.  That’s just 28 days from now.  4 weeks.

We spent some time at Home Depot this evening picking out the hardwood floors we want to put it the living room, dining room, hallway, and bedrooms, and the white subway tile we’re putting in the kitchen and bathroom.  I’ve got almost all of my books packed up.  22 boxes of books are chilling in my living room right now.  We’ve picked out paint colors.  I just have to keep moving towards that goal.  Keep packing.  Keep thinking about decorating.  It makes me happy and I need all the happy I can get.

19: Birth Control Optional.

I got up bright and early this morning to go to my CD 3 blood draw/ ultrasound.  I was having pain off and on all weekend, so I knew the cysts were still hanging around.  Getting put on birth control after the past month of craziness didn’t sound all that bad.  Especially considering my next period is due right around when we’re supposed to close on the house.   Yuck.

So I dragged myself in and got poked and prodded a little more.  Imagine my surprise when the nurse announced I am cyst free! 🙂  She said all the pain was probably just my body working to getting rid of them.  I’m relieved that we don’t have this hurdle to jump over anymore.  We can move forward with a monitoring cycle and (hopefully) get to the bottom of this.  No birth control.  Unless we feel like it. 😉

I’ll update on my blood work later.  They were checking base hormone levels and ovarian reserve today.  I still think it’s amazing that they can do that.  🙂

Honestly, I feel rather ambivalent towards the whole ordeal.  I know these are good things, but they don’t feel like they’re “good news” necessarily.  Just information I didn’t have before.  Maybe I’m finally learning to exercise caution when it comes to my emotions.  That isn’t entirely a bad thing.

Anywho….

The weekend was good.  I spent a good chunk of it trying to distract myself from my period starting.
My goal with the garden this year is to not let anything go to waste.  Last year, I wasn’t ready for the huge amounts of fruits and vegetables that the garden ended up producing.  I’m sorry to say that some of it went bad before I could figure out how to use it.  I canned a lot of tomatoes and jalapenos last year, and plan on doing the same this year, but I also wanted a little variety.  I got this book on modern canning for Christmas this, and started utilizing it over the weekend.

Friday, I oven dried a big batch of tomatoes.  It only got to 85 degrees out that day and it was supposed to be the coolest day we’ll have in a while, so I wanted to have the oven on all day while it was relatively cool out.  They turned out nice and caramelized.  I stuck them in freezer safe jars and froze them to use later.
Next, I added to my already impressive zucchini store, turning 4 zucchini into 14 cups of frozen pureed zucchini.  I currently have 22 cups of zucchini hanging out in my freezer.  I need to find more zucchini recipes.  The 2 or 3 dishes I use zucchini in are getting very worn out.

Yesterday, I canned apple jelly using the apples from the funky apple tree in my mother- and father-in-law’s back yard.  It came out really yummy and tastes like candy apples.  Definitely not bad for my first try at jelly.  It’s not as clear as it was supposed to be, but I used cheese cloth instead of a jelly bag, so that’s probably why.  I’m curious if I let it gel too much or not enough.
I’m a little afraid to open one of the jars. 😉  I suppose too runny or not runny enough, it should taste the same.
Canning foods makes me happy.  They typically last for long amounts of time, which is probably why I prefer it to cooking in general.  A complicated dinner is gone after a few minutes, but home preserved foods last throughout the year.

 

18: 2, 3, 5,18,18, 24, 25, 6, 2

Cycle day 2.  3rd round of clomid.   5 days of clomid.  18 days until we meet with our RE.  18 cycles so far.  24 years old.  25 years old in 6 months.  2 months until graduate school.

I’m both sad and relieved to have this cycle come to an end.  It was a hopeless cycle.  But I knew that.  I had zero expectations.  I’m not going to lie, part of me was hoping for a miracle, but logically I know the chances of us getting pregnant this month were next to nothing.  It makes me feel better some how.  It makes me feel like I have more control.  I chose to not try to have a baby this month.  There is no baby.  I win.  Or something.  It makes me feel better, don’t judge me.

We’re back to temping and ovulation sticks.  I’m not going to lie, I really liked my alarm not going off at 6:30 every morning…

I feel a little more renewed as we get ready to start our 3rd round of clomid.  I know that this break did me some good.  I feel a little more on top of things.  I’m still deciding how I feel about seeing the RE.  The piles of paperwork his office sent over isn’t helping anything.  Nor are the questions.  Awkward…
I saw my acupuncturist yesterday and she knows and definitely recommends our new RE.  He’s very pro-acupuncture and he’s very passionate about what he does.

I finished Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter this week.  We’re going to see the movie tomorrow.  I actually really enjoyed the book.  I found it both interesting and amusing.  But then I also enjoyed Little Women and Werewolves and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies… 😉  I think it helps that I’ve read all of the originals.  I have to appreciate the way these authors take other works and turn them into supernaturally enhanced versions.  No judging.

Also, there’s a bottle of Pacific Rim Sweet Riesling chilling in my fridge for this afternoon.  Yum.

Mantis Attack! ;)

The juicing is still going on.  I’ve lost 4 pounds so far and am definitely noticing that I have more energy.  I’m going to head to the gym tomorrow morning and see how it goes. =)

We’re still juicing for breakfast and lunch, but we’ve decided to eat raw fruits, veggies, and good proteins for dinner.  We grilled some chicken last night and added it to a spinach salad.  I think it was the best thing I’ve ever tasted. 😉  We also used the chive vinaigrette I posted about.  It was awesome!  I’m so glad I didn’t throw those flowers away.  They were beautiful and delicious! 😉  I might start dabbling more in homemade salad dressings so that we have more healthy options.

It’s been super nice here the past two days, so I’ve gotten out into the garden a couple times.  My sister and niece hatched some baby praying mantises (mantids, if you will) for me and brought them over on Sunday to get released into the garden.

When we were little, my dad found an adult praying mantis, who we named Fred.  Fred lived in a plastic tank in our sunroom and we fed him insects we found outside.  Then Fred laid some eggs. 😉 Oops.  Sorry, Fred.  But since there was no Mr. Fred, there weren’t any babies.  Fred lived with us longer than she would have in the wild and she was an awesome pet. 🙂  I always thought it would be neat to have another one, but insects make me a little more nervous than they did when I was 5.  When my sister asked if I wanted some for the garden, I was all over it.

Not even half of them will make it, but I counted 15 hanging out in the chamomile patch yesterday, which I think is a pretty good number.  They’re already bigger.  They’ll continue to molt until they reach their adult size, which could be bigger than Molly. 😉
 I saw a few earlier when I was planting this salvia for the butterflies and the bees.
 And, I put up a super basic trellis for the pickling cucumbers.  I wanted to try to grow them vertically this year since they really tried to take over last year.  The regular cucumbers aren’t big enough for a trellis yet, but these guys have little baby cucumbers all over. 🙂

Things are good around here for now.  I’m feeling good, and haven’t looked at a chart or a calendar in a week.  I don’t even know what cycle day it is.  It’s really nice.  I’m not nervous or stressed out like I usually am.  I’ve hardly even thought about making a baby this month.  Probably because I know it’s not going to happen.  I’m still ok with that though.  This has been a very much needed break that has me feeling a little more “normal” and a little more like me.

We had lunch with some friends over the weekend.  They had a baby in November and we hadn’t seen him yet.  I was pretty stressed out about it, but it turned out to be ok.  He was super cute and I can honestly say that I enjoyed him. 🙂
The most upsetting part about our lunch was being told that I’m different than I used to be.  It didn’t sound like a compliment.  I feel like I’m more of an adult than I was a year ago when we last spent time with them.  I feel that I’m more responsible and toned down.  I can honestly say that I’m far more equipped to handle a baby than I would have been a year ago.  It’s still sad to think that I’ve changed so noticeably into a different kind of person.  However, I’m more proud of myself than I used to be, so maybe it’s not so sad.

Also, Regina Spektor‘s new album came out yesterday.  She’s speaking to me. 😉  I’m awake, Regina, I’m awake!

17: Just Kidding.

I was obviously a resident of Crazy Town earlier.  My period started and it’s really Cycle Day 1.

No clomid this month in hopes that my cysts will clear up on their own.

I’m going to start a 10 day juice fast.

I’m also going to drink some wine tonight.  Because I can.

Blue Kitchens

Still hanging in here at 12 dpo and CD 31.  Still getting negative pregnancy tests though.  Who knows what’s going on…  This excess water weight is killing me very slowly though…

On a positive note, I think we may have found our house. =)
The kitchen spoke to me…

Do you see those tiles in the back splash?  They’re Swedish tiles.  My mom and sister have some of these exact tiles hanging in their kitchen.  I’ve always wanted some of my own.  It’s fate.  And it’s blue.  I LOVE every part of the kitchen.  Plus a double oven, first floor laundry off the kitchen, HUGE family room, and a big backyard.  Only negative: no basement.  But I love it so much that I’m ok with that.

We’re talking about putting an offer in soon.   It’s a short sale, so who knows how it will turn out.  I’m already attached. 😉