Everything is going to be ok.

Thank you for your kind words after last post.  

I think we’re doing better.  I know I’m doing better.  

I scheduled an appointment with Dr. M on September 10th.  While they told me I could get going on the last transfer right away, I asked if it would be ok if we took some time off.  Indefinitely.  Yes, we still have 2 embryos.  Yes, we still desperately want children.  No, we’re not going to work on adopting in the meantime.  No, we won’t be trying naturally.  I’ve been given the go ahead to stay on birth control until we decide that we’re ready to use our last 2 embryos.  I’m thankful they’re ok with this because I’m pretty sure the endometriosis I spent all of last summer battling has returned and is starting to make my life miserable again.  Birth control is my friend.  I will tell you that popping a birth control pill and a prenatal vitamin every night is it’s own kind of special weirdness.

Jeremy is hoping I’ll be ready to try again by the end of the year because we’ve met our out of pocket max on our health insurance this year.  If we transfer before December 31, we’ll only pay our normal clinic fee and meds, ultrasound, blood work, and transfer will be covered.  Part of me hopes I’ll be ready by then too, but a larger part of me knows I need more time than that.  

I don’t have any faith in these embryos or in my body and that’s not how I want to move forward with them.

With all that being the case, it is time for me to get out of the house.  I’ve been home and waiting for something to happen for the past 8 1/2 months.  I’ve been getting more and more antsy and anxious as time has gone on.  I’m not a homebody.  I like seeing people for the most part.

I mentioned I had an interview last week.  I got the job!  I start next Wednesday and I’m so excited.  I’ll work anywhere from 16 to 30 hours a week.  It will probably be closer to 30 as we get closer to the holidays.  It’s with a small custom fabric printing company.  I can’t wait.  I wish I could have started this past week.  This is just what I need to get out of the funk that I’m in.  I’m more than ready to settle into this company and enjoy my life as it is right now.  No doctors, no medication, no extreme ups and downs, no more wasted time.  I am sad that we’re putting our family aspirations on hold, but my hope is that by the time we both feel ready to try again, we’ll be able to afford to either adopt or buy a house depending on the outcome.  

I’m only 26.  My mom had me at 31 and adopted my sister a couple years after that.  “We have time” has become my mantra.  We have time.  We have time.  We have time.  And everything is going to be ok.

Embryos are Transferred!

We got up this morning and went for an easy hike.  It was a nice time to spend with my husband and our hounds.  It was nice to be outside and moving before transfer.  It helped with my stress levels to just be active.

And then I took a valium and we were on our way to the clinic.  Last time, I was trying not to throw up on our way to transfer, but this time it seemed to be a lot easier to remain calm.  I convinced myself that if anything was wrong with the embryos we would have heard by then.

They took us back pretty quickly.  This time we both got to change into gowns.  We both had hair nets and booties. 🙂  And then they showed us our embryos.  The first two THAWED PERFECTLY!!!  Which means we still have 2 frozen. 🙂  I can’t be more thankful and more relieved.  Also, I’m pretty sure I was given a higher dose of valium this time. 😉

We were so impressed with the facility and professionalism at UNC today.  The doctor was gentle and positive.  The nurses were compassionate and helpful.  The embryologist was thorough and cautious. The OR was super modern, clean and impressive.

The whole experience was a million times better than the last time at the last clinic.  I feel so much more calm and relaxed this time.

No bedrest this time.  I’m supposed to take it easy today, but I can go back to being active tomorrow.  The nurse said I could be as active as I feel comfortable with.  I think I’m going to stick to brisk walking and easy hiking.  No weights, yoga, or running for now.

Beta #1 is Sunday, August 10th.  Please pray for these two goldfish. We have so much hope for them. <3<3

 

Pre-FET Anxiety

FET #2 is tomorrow at 11:30.

Unlike last time, where time seemed to crawl, time has seemed to speed up this cycle.  I’m not ready for this.  I’m scared and anxious.  I don’t feel the joy and positivity I felt last time.   I haven’t slept for a full night in 2 weeks.  Whether that’s from the anxiety or the medication, that’s anyone’s guess.

I’m still having nightmares about the embryos not thawing or something going horribly wrong.  I had to put in writing yesterday that while the plan is to thaw and transfer 2 embryos, if neither of them survive the thaw the clinic has my permission to continue thawing embryos until they get 1 viable embryo.  That’s terrifying.  What if they have to thaw all 4 just to get one to thaw?  What if we don’t have anymore frozen?  What if this transfer is our last shot?

I know two thawed with no problem last transfer, but they’ve been moved and jostled since then.  What if our decision to move to another clinic ruined our chances to have our own babies?

I suppose it’s good that I’ve been so fixated on the thawing.  I haven’t given much energy to the thoughts of what come after that.  It just doesn’t seem as concerning to me for some reason.  It’s weird.  I know.

And I know that statistically, at least 3 of those embryos should thaw just fine. I know this.  But it’s not stopping the anxiety.

It’s probably not the thaw that’s really freaking me out.  It’s probably the whole idea of doing this again.  Of getting pregnant again. Of miscarrying again.

This is exhausting.  I am exhausted.  I want this to work.  I hope it doesn’t sound like I don’t.  I’ve just had so much experience with it not working.  Ever.

This has turned into a much more negative post than I wanted.  I’m going to try to spend the rest of the evening being hopeful and zen.  I promise.

 

FET #2 is Scheduled!

EEK, you guys!  They scheduled FET #2!  Apparently, UNC skips the period part and goes straight to meds.  I guess that makes sense considering they had me take 26 days of birth control instead of the normal 14 days.

My estrogen got super high last FET.  Close to 1500.  Maybe starting like this will keep it a bit lower?  We’ll see.

I go in for my baseline tomorrow and start taking Estrace 3 times a day on Sunday. 🙂

Projected FET #2 date: Friday, August 1.  Which means our first beta falls on Sunday, August 10.

I’m excited.  I got so excited as soon as I found out it was scheduled.  I was worried I’d be a weepy mess for the next 3 weeks, but I’m so ready!

More FET Prep…

I know, I suck for not updating about the embryos the day they arrived at the new clinic.  But they did get there.  And the embryologist called me that afternoon to tell me that they looked fine and were the correct temperature, which is the biggest concern when shipping embryos.  We won’t really know if they’re ok for sure until they are thawed.  It’s nerve wracking.

I keep having nightmares about them.  I used to dream about babies and babies being taken away from us.  Now I’m just dreaming about dying embryos.  I’m not sure which is worse.  I was in such a good place a couple weeks ago, but it’s almost like the embryo move made things more real.  We are doing another FET.  I took my last birth control pill on Tuesday and now we’re just waiting for my period to start.

My meds are in hand…
  I’m so happy to report that I will have ZERO injections this FET.  Just estrogen pills and progesterone gel.  I’ve heard the gel is messy, but it’s got to be less stressful than the progesterone in oil….

When I think progesterone in oil now, all I can think about is the few days after my 2nd beta fell when we had to keep doing the injections even though we knew the babies were dying.  I remember bending over the kitchen island so Jeremy could inject the estrogen and then the progesterone.  I sobbed and sobbed through it because the whole situation was so horrible.  I know that was really hard for him as well.

So when our new clinic offered to let us skip the injections (they told us to pick the least stressful method… duh… no needles here…) we jumped on it.  I love them.  I love them. I love them.  I know I keep saying that, but I don’t think I’ll ever take a good doctor for granted ever again.

And so we’re waiting.

On a positive note, I’m still frequenting the gym a lot.  If you remember, I started going regularly right after we found out about our last miscarriage.  A few week later, I set a goal that I wanted to lose 10 pounds before our next transfer.  I’m not overweight, not really.  However, I’ve definitely put some weight on over the past few years with all of the meds and bad news.  I wasn’t comfortable in my body and I blamed my body for killing my babies.  So I wanted to change the only thing I could: my weight and shape.  As of this week, I’ve met my goal. 🙂  10 pounds down and boy oh boy do I feel better in my own skin! 🙂  I think I could comfortably lose another 5 pounds, but I’m not really going to push it.

I had said that I wanted to run a 5k this fall, but with FET #2 falling in late July or early August, I’m not sure if that’s going to be feasible.  I think I might play it by ear.

My question.  Dr. M does not require bed rest.  She wants me to take it easy the day of transfer, but afterwards she wants me to go about my regularly scheduled activities.  Including the gym.  Right now, I’m running about 4-6 miles a week and probably walking another 2-3.  It’s not a lot, but it’s a lot more than I’ve ever done before.  When transfer rolls around, I will have been running fairly consistently for close to 4 months.  I’m terrified to do more than walk the dogs post-FET, but I know it’s going to be better for me (both mentally and physically) and the embryos if I stay active.  For those of you who have gone back to working out post-transfer, did you tone it down a lot or did you just not tack anything new onto your workouts?  This is definitely something I’ll be talking to the doctor about, but I thought I’d pick the brains of everyone else first. 🙂

Embryos: Transferred

We are officially 3 days past a 5 day embryo transfer!  I’ve finally escaped bedrest, although suddenly all I want to do is sleep.  Go figure.  I blame the progesterone.

Last Thursday, Dr. T transferred 2 grade 3, 5 day blastocysts into my, hopefully, hospitable uterus.
They’re gorgeous.  I got a little misty when they handed us the picture.  And then I got a little misty again when they took us back to the room and let us look at them through the microscope before transfer.  That may have had something to do with the valium they had me take…  But they are beautiful little clumps. 🙂  If you look at the left side of the top embryo and the top of the bottom embryo, you can see the holes made by the embryologist for the assisted hatching.  I just think it’s so neat that we get to see them like this.
The transfer itself was amazingly fast.  I couldn’t believe that we’d done so much to build up to and prepare for that moment, and then it was over.  They had me lay back for 15 minutes and then we were on our way home.  Other than my extremely full bladder, it was mostly painless. 😉

Bedrest was 72 full hours after I got home.  It wasn’t pleasant, but Jeremy definitely made it bearable. ❤  I did some knitting and did some reading and watched a ton of movies.  And waited.  And waited.  I still have another 11 days to wait before our first beta test.

I’ve had a bit of mild cramping and my progesterone injections sites are starting to itch. 😦 But other than that, all is well.  I’m hoping our little goldfish are getting comfortable and that we have a good 8 more months to grow together.     ♥♥

FET Prep

Here we are.  3 days to transfer!  I am SO READY! 🙂

I went in for my last monitoring appointment on Friday.  It went well.  My lining is just over 10 and my estrogen came in around 1070.  As long as it’s under 2000, they’re happy. 🙂  I started progesterone in oil injections on Saturday and I have to say they aren’t nearly as bad as I was expecting.  I’d heard a lot of horror stories about progesterone in oil, and while it’s not pleasant, it’s completely tolerable.

Plus, I don’t think anything can trump the lovenox injections yet…

I was amazed after the first few injections because I NEVER bruise very much via subcutaneous injections.  Every so often I’ll hit a blood vessel, but it’s rare.  Lovenox is definitely unlike anything I’ve ever given myself though.  It burns going in and for a good while afterwards.  I may or may not be on it throughout the entire time I’m pregnant.  My nurse says the bruising is from the blood thinner I’m taking as well.  As long as it’s normal, I don’t mind that much.  No fun.  But so worth it. 😉

Symptom-wise – last week, I was super tired.  Towards the end of the week I started feeling really achy.  Saturday was especially bad, so I scheduled the massage I’d been hoarding from Groupon, hoping it would loosen my muscles up and relax me.  It definitely loosened my tight muscles, but all of my joints were still super achy.  I took some tylenol when I got home and fell asleep in bed, only to wake up around 10 to run the injections marathon.  At some point in the night I ended up with a low grade fever and realized this probably wasn’t side effects.  I had some kind of flu/cold.  As bad as I felt, my main concern was whether this was going to affect the transfer.   As much as it would suck, I’d rather cancel the transfer and try again next month than have my body kill those perfect embryos in a way we hadn’t bargained for and tried to correct.

While I am feeling better today, I’m definitely not 100%.  BUT, it’s hard to tell what’s illness and what’s side effects at this point.  Thankfully I talked to the nurse who said as long as my fever is gone and I don’t have any congestion in my chest that we should be just fine.  I start taking antibiotics tomorrow as well which should help with any bacterial issues.

All in all, things look good.  I should be feeling pretty good by Thursday and I am more than ready to give these two embryos a shot at life. 🙂

BTW, in about a week, like with our IUIs, I’ll stop posting blogs to facebook.  If you haven’t yet, “follow” my blog to have new posts sent to your email. 🙂

Drag

A frozen embryo transfer is so much different than any fertility treatment I’ve ever done.  With our retrieval, the 6 IUIs, and even the awful clomid cycles, what I viewed as my main goal was to grow good, healthy eggs.  With the IUIs and retrieval especially, I started to think of those follicles as pre-babies.  They were things my body was nurturing and taking care of.  With the later IUIs and the retrieval, they were something I could feel.  I was taking care of these pre-babies.  I was doing something proactive for them.  I felt horrible, but my discomfort was taking care of them, which made it all ok.

I mentioned before, how pleased I was (and still am) that we chose to freeze all 6 of our embryos and not try a fresh transfer.  I felt awful post retrieval.  It took me a good week to start feeling good.  It took me 3 weeks to lose the 10 pounds I gained after retrieval.  Now, here I am, doing more injections.  But this time, I feel mostly fine.  The side effects are almost nonexistent.  This time, my sole responsibility is to make my body as inhabitable as possible.  I  don’t have to worry about jumping from the process of growing eggs straight into the process of nurturing an embryo.  It’s just so different that I’m just worrying about my body for once.  The embryos are there.  They’re waiting like good little baby-sicles while we get this show on the road.

But that all being said, the word “drag” came to mind this morning when I was thinking about how I am feeling about this process today.

• The time is dragging along.  2.5 weeks until transfer still.  Outside of the three months of lupron last summer, this is the longest cycle of treatment I’ve had so far.  It feels astronomically far away right now.
• This is a drag.   These injections have been some of the worst I’ve ever taken.  The Lovenox is especially painful and is leaving some nice big bruises on my stomach. 4 down… 26+ to go.
• I’m feeling so dragged into baby EVERYTHING.  I’ve had to really pull myself back and make myself slow down.  1 step at a time.
• Is infertility going to drag along behind us forever?  It feels like it now, but I also know that I’m so eager to kick the whole notion of infertility straight to the curb.  I don’t want this to be who we are, who I am.  3 1/2 years is long enough.  Our 5th anniversary is in June. 3 1/2 years of that have been consumed with fertility issues.  I’m so thankful that it’s seems to have improved our marriage somehow…  I can see how it so easily goes the opposite direction sometimes and I’m so thankful we’ve been able to work through it.  But enough is enough.
• Thankfully, I let myself be dragged to North Carolina… the land of babies.. 😉 And warmer weather.

I go in for another monitoring appointment on Thursday.  They’ll be checking my estrogen and my uterine lining and will decide then if they need to up my estrogen injections.  Slowly but surely, we are getting there.