Changes

My CD 20 monitoring appointment didn’t tell us anything good.  Except that my reproductive cycles are seriously messed up– which isn’t good.

On the ultrasound, they saw an 18mm follicle on my right ovary.  They were unhappy with both the size of the follicle (they want it to be around 21mm) and the day of my cycle.  My estrogen came back at 118 (they want to see 250-300).  Around day 14, not day 20.  I definitely haven’t ovulated yet.

The nurse called me yesterday and told me that normally they want patients to continue to try to get pregnant on unmedicated cycles, but they’re recommending that we stop trying this month.  They said if we somehow happened to get pregnant, with the small size of the follicle and my low estrogen, it probably wouldn’t end well.  Bummer.

I was hoping that Thursday was the end of our monitoring cycle, but since things are still changing in my body, they want to do one more blood draw and ultrasound next Friday to see if I managed to ovulate.  The following Monday, we’ll meet with Dr. B and discuss our options.

What are our options?  With how low my estrogen is, you’d think the clomid would have worked.  Instead it just gave me some monster follicles that turned into cysts.  I’m not doing any more research.  It’s not doing me any good.  I’m waiting until we see Dr. B.  I’m hoping he will come up with a kick ass treatment plan.  Or any treatment plan.

In other news, we close on our house in less than 3 weeks.  It’s going by WAY faster than I expected it to.  Probably because we have a lot of other stuff going on.  We spent one evening this past week exploring the river walk by our new house.  Aurora, IL  is built around the Fox River.  Aurora used to be a great hub for trading back in the day because boats could get up and down the river with relative ease.  The downtown sits directly on the riverbanks with lots of bridges connecting the east and west sides of the city.  I was born and, other than while I was away at school, lived on the west side my whole life.  Growing up, our schools were on the west side and most of our friends lived on the west side.  We never had much reason to leave the west side until now.  Our new house sits on the east side of the river in North Aurora.   We can walk to the river in less than 5 minutes, and the river walk there is gorgeous.  I was never a big fan of taking walks just for the sake of walking, but I’ve changed my mind.  I’m excited to take the dog there on walks and to eventually take our kids there on their bikes for an evening ride.

In my mind, this house represents a new beginning for us.  It’s giving me hope in our future and showing me that life will continue to move forward and not stay as stagnant as it feels right now.

Grad school starts in less than 3 weeks too.  There are a lot of changes coming up and I am more than ready for them. 🙂

Waiting

For the first time in almost two years, I’m waiting anxiously for my period to start.  I want it to start.  Dr. B is almost positive that we won’t be pregnant this month, and I’m convinced that I’ll finally start feeling better once it does.

The stabbing, burning pain from the cysts has turned into an intense cramping.  It was getting a little better every day, and I was starting to have a little more energy every day.  Until I woke up at 4:30 this morning with the worst cramps I’ve had in years…   Blah.  I’ve been sleeping a lot.  Some days I can’t stop eating, other days food sounds like the worst idea ever.  I’m hoping the calorie intake is balancing out.  I only have one vicodin left.  I’m saving it just in case things start to feel worse.  These cysts are definitely worse than last time, so I’m assuming they’ll take longer to feel better.  I can touch my stomach now, which is a huge improvement.

It’s still making me crazy that all of this pain is really for nothing.  There’s nothing good or beneficial about this.  There will be no baby from this.

The cats, however, are taking full advantage of all of this laying around…

 

Wasted Time and New Hope

We me our RE yesterday.  We LOVE him!  He was wonderful and took time to explain everything to us and made sure that we knew to call if we have ANY questions.  LOVE!

But.

He also let us know that the past 6 months of fooling around with clomid have probably been a complete waste.  6 months.  In fact, there’s a good chance all of this clomid has probably prevented us from getting pregnant.  He said the fact that 50 mg of clomid is giving me these huge cysts probably means I have an underlying hormonal imbalance and the clomid is just making it worse.  And these cysts mean I probably haven’t ovulated any eggs.  The follicles never popped and just turned into cysts.

Our last doctor should have done much more blood work AND handled my cysts WAYYYY differently.  I never should have been prescribed clomid in the first place.  I’m so angry today.  I’m so angry that this woman wasted so much of my time and energy.  I’m angry that I’ve put my body through this horrible drug, these awful symptoms, and these resulting cysts for NOTHING!!!!!  And I’m so incredibly disappointed.  I’m so sad.

She was supposed to be our obstetrician if we ever get pregnant.  I don’t know if I can ever go back to her.  Maybe my anger will wear off, but right now I have no desire to ever see her again.

We’re starting from scratch.  If my cysts clear up in the next week or so, we’re having a total monitoring cycle next.  Complete with 4 ultrasounds, 4 blood draws, and a post coital test or 2 ;).  He told me to stop using my OPKs at this point because the ultrasounds and blood tests will be far more accurate.
If my cysts don’t clear up, he’ll put me on birth control for a month and then we’ll monitor the cycle after that.  He’s confident that it’s a hormone problem based on my late ovulation, irregular periods, and the effect of the clomid.

I appreciate this doctor so much so far.  He made me feel like someone else is going to take over; like I don’t need to worry about the complicated, difficult stuff.  He makes me feel like someone other than us cares that there’s a problem.  He’s given me confidence that he wants to find a solution.  You can tell by the way he talks to us that he loves his job and he loves helping people.  I feel like I can trust him to take the very best care of me and my poor ovaries.  I’m so glad we found Dr. Binor.

He even drew us this picture while he was explaining everything to us.  It’s on our fridge right now.  We’ve decided if he helps us get pregnant, we’re framing it for the baby’s room. 🙂

Wisconsin Cysts.

It’s been almost 2 weeks since I’ve posted and my motivation is seriously lacking.

I finished up this month round of clomid and ended up with the worst side effects yet.  I felt horrible up until last Tuesday or so.
The weekend before last we went to visit one of my best friends and her family.  We wanted to see them before we see the RE this week, because we have no idea what he’s going to tell us.  I was pretty physically uncomfortable the whole time, but it was nice to spend some time with them.  They have 2 little boys. One is two and a half and the other is 10 months old.  I was a little worried about spending too much time with the boys, but they’re such happy kids that it was pretty nice to be around them.  The hardest part was seeing Jeremy holding the baby in church on Sunday.  It made me a little teary for a minute because my husband looks good with a baby in his arms.  He looked right.
We went hiking with them before we drove the 5 hours home.  I pushed my body through it and was happy to have done it.
 We were only home 2 days before we turned around and went back to Wisconsin to stay at my mom and step dad’s cabin for the long weekend.  My parents, sister, and niece were there too.  They’re remodeling right now, so not having AC in this crazy Midwestern heatwave was an experience. 😉  Not having access to the internet though, was surprisingly refreshing for Jeremy and I.  We both spent the time trying to recharge before seeing the RE this week.
We had another HUGE bonfire, although it was no where near as much fun as the two we had in February.
 Saturday, we visited a cute little winery that’s just down the street from their cabin.  We did some tasting and bought a couple bottles.
 Around the time this picture was taken, I had started feeling a little bit of pain in my lower abdomen.  I had ovulated the day before (3 days early, YEA!), and was hoping it was just from some super awesome follicles doing their thing.
By the time we got back to the cabin the pain was excruciating.  Worse than the last time I had to go to the hospital with my golf ball cysts… Jeremy hopped into the car and drove me to the closest ER, 20 minutes away.  They got us in relatively quickly and had to go about their blood work to check for a pregnancy.  I laughed a little bit.  I kept letting them know I was taking clomid and cysts were probably the culprit.  They’re such a small hospital that they had to call an ultrasound tech who lived an hour away to come check things out.
Meanwhile they were force feeding me water.. and not giving me anything for the pain “just in case” I was pregnant (I laughed again).
 The ultrasound might have been the most painful procedure I’ve ever had done.  No transvaginal probe though, which kind of made my day.  She found 3 HUGE cysts, 1 on the right and 2 even bigger on the left.  And no evidence of pregnancy. 😉  Duh.

After that, they finally offered to dope me up with some aleve and vicodin.   I was pretty happy from then on. haha.  Jeremy?  Not so happy that this was happening in the first place.  Not pleased to pose for a picture with his slightly high wife. 😉
 The ER doctor was older and just didn’t think a cyst could cause pain like that and wondered if one might be leaking.  But then, he didn’t seem 100% sure of what clomid does.  I assured him it wasn’t the first time and asked to go home.  They gave me a generous prescription of 20 vicodin, which I was able to fill at 10:30 at night in the middle of no where, Wisconsin at a PRESCRIPTION MEDICINE VENDING MACHINE…
 Amazing.  Chicagoland needs these.

 

My favorite part of this experience?  Out of the 2 female nurses and female ultrasound tech, all three of them had experience with fertility medications.  The first had a daughter who is pregnant with her second child using clomid, the second has a 7 month old that she conceived while on clomid and an injectable, and the ultrasound tech has 14 year old twins that she conceived using clomid.    All three of them were the most understanding medical personal that I have ever met.  They were sensitive and caring and wished us luck.  I’ve never met someone in real life who has used fertility medication to get pregnant and told me about it, so to meet 3 women with success stories on a night that I felt so incredibly defeated was a huge boost.

They understood how much we’ve struggled and how horrible these drugs make you feel, but they were able to offer such positive lights on the situation.  It actually made these cysts and this hospital visit worth it.   I really think it’s true that some people are put into your life when you really need them.  These women were wonderful for sharing their stories with me.

Soooo, we see the RE for the first time tomorrow afternoon.  Unless he has something super amazing planned, we’re going to refuse clomid again.  If it doesn’t work this month, we obviously need to try something different.  I’m far less nervous than I thought I would be, but then I have vicodin swirling around my body, and that just makes everything better. 😉  I really want to ask him, however, what it means that 50 mg of clomid is producing these giant cysts.  Maybe he’ll have an idea of what’s going on.

I’ll update you tomorrow.

Also… Where is the weirdest place you’ve ever peed on an OPK or pregnancy test?  Me?  Just off of US-39 North in the middle of Wisconsin…. 😉  It would have been so much more gratifying had it been positive. ha.

Formula Samples: 1 Jessica: 0

This lovely package came in the mail yesterday…
I was not pleased.  I got a little teary and a little angry… and a little clomid crazy.  But then I pulled it together enough to call and ask to be taken off of their mailing list.  I explained to the woman who answered that we were battling infertility right now and the last thing I want to do is open a package of formula samples.  I was honestly surprised with how calm I was.  She felt awful and promised I wouldn’t be getting anything else from them.
Then I hopped in the car and dropped them off at the women’s shelter down the street.  They were very appreciative, which made me feel a little better.

I don’t even care how they got my information.  I could have been anything.  A baby present I bought for a friend, a onesie I bought for my stache… I’m just a little too emotional for it these days.

Today is day 4 of clomid.  The heat here in the midwest combined with hot flashes is a real bummer.  I kept waking up last night soaked.  I think they’re worse than they’ve ever been before.  And I’m retaining water like a boss.  Jenn over at Future Fords is holding an infertility weight loss challenge.  I really wanted to participate and keep chipping away at this excess weight, but I knew starting clomid again would leave me with zero motivation.

I made it to kickboxing yesterday morning, but had to leave half way through.  My arms and legs just wouldn’t cooperate.  We’re almost through it though.  Another week of hot flashes and things should slow down a lot until I ovulate.

Also, my aloe plant divided and had babies.  I divided and repotted them yesterday.  They’re super cute and little.

18: 2, 3, 5,18,18, 24, 25, 6, 2

Cycle day 2.  3rd round of clomid.   5 days of clomid.  18 days until we meet with our RE.  18 cycles so far.  24 years old.  25 years old in 6 months.  2 months until graduate school.

I’m both sad and relieved to have this cycle come to an end.  It was a hopeless cycle.  But I knew that.  I had zero expectations.  I’m not going to lie, part of me was hoping for a miracle, but logically I know the chances of us getting pregnant this month were next to nothing.  It makes me feel better some how.  It makes me feel like I have more control.  I chose to not try to have a baby this month.  There is no baby.  I win.  Or something.  It makes me feel better, don’t judge me.

We’re back to temping and ovulation sticks.  I’m not going to lie, I really liked my alarm not going off at 6:30 every morning…

I feel a little more renewed as we get ready to start our 3rd round of clomid.  I know that this break did me some good.  I feel a little more on top of things.  I’m still deciding how I feel about seeing the RE.  The piles of paperwork his office sent over isn’t helping anything.  Nor are the questions.  Awkward…
I saw my acupuncturist yesterday and she knows and definitely recommends our new RE.  He’s very pro-acupuncture and he’s very passionate about what he does.

I finished Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter this week.  We’re going to see the movie tomorrow.  I actually really enjoyed the book.  I found it both interesting and amusing.  But then I also enjoyed Little Women and Werewolves and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies… 😉  I think it helps that I’ve read all of the originals.  I have to appreciate the way these authors take other works and turn them into supernaturally enhanced versions.  No judging.

Also, there’s a bottle of Pacific Rim Sweet Riesling chilling in my fridge for this afternoon.  Yum.

It’s RE Time

My ultrasound came back fine.  There was evidence of ovulation on my left ovary, but my right looks fine now.

We spent a while talking with Dr. M about our options and she told us that she would recommend we go see an Reproductive Endocrinologist.  She gave me another round of clomid to take in the meantime.  I’ll probably start it in a week and a half or so.  The RE she recommended is supposed to be very good.  I don’t love that he’s a dude, but if he can make this work, I’m all over it.

She told us to expect our first cycle with him to be monitored, and after that, depending on what he finds, he might want to try an IUI right away.  Our first appointment with him is on July 10th.  I’m glad we’re going to be seeing someone who should be able to help us, but this whole thing makes me nervous.  And sleepy.

On a whole other note, the praying mantises are almost 3 weeks old and starting to turn green:

I’m harvesting handfuls of chamomile daily:

And, there are a TON of green tomatoes out there. =)

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Cysty Ultrasound Day

We spent the first half of our anniversary at the beach yesterday.

And the second half in bed watching movies, while periodically rubbing aloe on each other after we fell asleep in the sun and didn’t put on more sunblock. 😉

OW!

In other news, I was adamant with my doctor that my cysts be rechecked before we start another round of clomid, so today’s ultrasound day.  I’m not nervous about it because there’s no way that it will hurt as badly as it did last month.  I’m still having twinges of pain off and on, but I’m really hoping it’s just ovulation pain.  Today is cycle day 22, so I have 2 weeks before starting clomid again.
I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow and I’m really hoping it will be productive.  I want a game plan for the rest of them summer and I’m going to push HARD for an IUI by the end of summer if the clomid still isn’t working.  I plan on making it perfectly clear that I want her to be more aggressive with our treatments.
Why move so fast on the IUI?  As of Monday, I have two forms of health insurance until December 31.   Two.  Both cover a portion of fertility treatments, so we’re going to utilize them as much as possible while we have them.

It’s a little scary to think of doing an IUI so soon.  We had planned on waiting until next summer to try our first one, but this makes more sense, so we’re rolling with it.. 🙂  It’s silly to go through this month after month when if we just tried something else, it might work.  We just want to have a baby.  At this point, how it gets here seems almost irrelevant.

That’s so weird to say that when just a few months ago I was lamenting that we aren’t going to be able to make one on our own.  It really bothered me.  Now, I just want this horrible situation to be over as quickly as possible.

I have to start drinking my 32 oz of water in about an hour.  Yikes.

My question for you ladies is:  If you ever had an ultrasound while you were NOT pregnant, did it bother you at all?  Did seeing your very empty uterus really suck?  That’s how I felt last time and am trying to look at it more positively this time.  Trying.

Mantis Attack! ;)

The juicing is still going on.  I’ve lost 4 pounds so far and am definitely noticing that I have more energy.  I’m going to head to the gym tomorrow morning and see how it goes. =)

We’re still juicing for breakfast and lunch, but we’ve decided to eat raw fruits, veggies, and good proteins for dinner.  We grilled some chicken last night and added it to a spinach salad.  I think it was the best thing I’ve ever tasted. 😉  We also used the chive vinaigrette I posted about.  It was awesome!  I’m so glad I didn’t throw those flowers away.  They were beautiful and delicious! 😉  I might start dabbling more in homemade salad dressings so that we have more healthy options.

It’s been super nice here the past two days, so I’ve gotten out into the garden a couple times.  My sister and niece hatched some baby praying mantises (mantids, if you will) for me and brought them over on Sunday to get released into the garden.

When we were little, my dad found an adult praying mantis, who we named Fred.  Fred lived in a plastic tank in our sunroom and we fed him insects we found outside.  Then Fred laid some eggs. 😉 Oops.  Sorry, Fred.  But since there was no Mr. Fred, there weren’t any babies.  Fred lived with us longer than she would have in the wild and she was an awesome pet. 🙂  I always thought it would be neat to have another one, but insects make me a little more nervous than they did when I was 5.  When my sister asked if I wanted some for the garden, I was all over it.

Not even half of them will make it, but I counted 15 hanging out in the chamomile patch yesterday, which I think is a pretty good number.  They’re already bigger.  They’ll continue to molt until they reach their adult size, which could be bigger than Molly. 😉
 I saw a few earlier when I was planting this salvia for the butterflies and the bees.
 And, I put up a super basic trellis for the pickling cucumbers.  I wanted to try to grow them vertically this year since they really tried to take over last year.  The regular cucumbers aren’t big enough for a trellis yet, but these guys have little baby cucumbers all over. 🙂

Things are good around here for now.  I’m feeling good, and haven’t looked at a chart or a calendar in a week.  I don’t even know what cycle day it is.  It’s really nice.  I’m not nervous or stressed out like I usually am.  I’ve hardly even thought about making a baby this month.  Probably because I know it’s not going to happen.  I’m still ok with that though.  This has been a very much needed break that has me feeling a little more “normal” and a little more like me.

We had lunch with some friends over the weekend.  They had a baby in November and we hadn’t seen him yet.  I was pretty stressed out about it, but it turned out to be ok.  He was super cute and I can honestly say that I enjoyed him. 🙂
The most upsetting part about our lunch was being told that I’m different than I used to be.  It didn’t sound like a compliment.  I feel like I’m more of an adult than I was a year ago when we last spent time with them.  I feel that I’m more responsible and toned down.  I can honestly say that I’m far more equipped to handle a baby than I would have been a year ago.  It’s still sad to think that I’ve changed so noticeably into a different kind of person.  However, I’m more proud of myself than I used to be, so maybe it’s not so sad.

Also, Regina Spektor‘s new album came out yesterday.  She’s speaking to me. 😉  I’m awake, Regina, I’m awake!

Detoxing: Juice Fast

I desperately want a donut, a cheeseburger, and a steak.  Desperately.

We’ve been juicing for almost 48 hours, but I think it’s going well.  Yesterday, I thought I was starving to death, but today has been much better.  I’ve lost 2 lbs so far, but I’m almost positive it was clomid water weight.  However, that works for me because half of the reason for doing this juice detox is to get every trace of clomid out of my system this month.  I’ve gained close to 10 lbs in the past few months, and I’m assuming at least 5 lbs is water.

I’ve wanted to try a detox for a while, but it seemed silly while I was taking clomid and unsafe after I ovulated.  This turned out to be the perfect time. 🙂

I’m very much enjoying this month off of clomid though.  I got my hair colored and trimmed, I’m not temping, and I feel all around awesome.  Granted our chances of conceiving this month are close to zero, I’m ok with it for now.  Clomid will start again soon enough and the dreaded IUI’s are getting closer and closer to being a possibility.  Who knows, maybe this detox is just what my reproductive system needs. 😉

Also, it’s HOT here.  I’m looking forward to the cooler weather later this week. 🙂  And, someone has decided that shaving on the weekends (especially long weekends) is overrated… Yikes.