Pre-FET Anxiety

FET #2 is tomorrow at 11:30.

Unlike last time, where time seemed to crawl, time has seemed to speed up this cycle.  I’m not ready for this.  I’m scared and anxious.  I don’t feel the joy and positivity I felt last time.   I haven’t slept for a full night in 2 weeks.  Whether that’s from the anxiety or the medication, that’s anyone’s guess.

I’m still having nightmares about the embryos not thawing or something going horribly wrong.  I had to put in writing yesterday that while the plan is to thaw and transfer 2 embryos, if neither of them survive the thaw the clinic has my permission to continue thawing embryos until they get 1 viable embryo.  That’s terrifying.  What if they have to thaw all 4 just to get one to thaw?  What if we don’t have anymore frozen?  What if this transfer is our last shot?

I know two thawed with no problem last transfer, but they’ve been moved and jostled since then.  What if our decision to move to another clinic ruined our chances to have our own babies?

I suppose it’s good that I’ve been so fixated on the thawing.  I haven’t given much energy to the thoughts of what come after that.  It just doesn’t seem as concerning to me for some reason.  It’s weird.  I know.

And I know that statistically, at least 3 of those embryos should thaw just fine. I know this.  But it’s not stopping the anxiety.

It’s probably not the thaw that’s really freaking me out.  It’s probably the whole idea of doing this again.  Of getting pregnant again. Of miscarrying again.

This is exhausting.  I am exhausted.  I want this to work.  I hope it doesn’t sound like I don’t.  I’ve just had so much experience with it not working.  Ever.

This has turned into a much more negative post than I wanted.  I’m going to try to spend the rest of the evening being hopeful and zen.  I promise.