Everything is going to be ok.

Thank you for your kind words after last post.  

I think we’re doing better.  I know I’m doing better.  

I scheduled an appointment with Dr. M on September 10th.  While they told me I could get going on the last transfer right away, I asked if it would be ok if we took some time off.  Indefinitely.  Yes, we still have 2 embryos.  Yes, we still desperately want children.  No, we’re not going to work on adopting in the meantime.  No, we won’t be trying naturally.  I’ve been given the go ahead to stay on birth control until we decide that we’re ready to use our last 2 embryos.  I’m thankful they’re ok with this because I’m pretty sure the endometriosis I spent all of last summer battling has returned and is starting to make my life miserable again.  Birth control is my friend.  I will tell you that popping a birth control pill and a prenatal vitamin every night is it’s own kind of special weirdness.

Jeremy is hoping I’ll be ready to try again by the end of the year because we’ve met our out of pocket max on our health insurance this year.  If we transfer before December 31, we’ll only pay our normal clinic fee and meds, ultrasound, blood work, and transfer will be covered.  Part of me hopes I’ll be ready by then too, but a larger part of me knows I need more time than that.  

I don’t have any faith in these embryos or in my body and that’s not how I want to move forward with them.

With all that being the case, it is time for me to get out of the house.  I’ve been home and waiting for something to happen for the past 8 1/2 months.  I’ve been getting more and more antsy and anxious as time has gone on.  I’m not a homebody.  I like seeing people for the most part.

I mentioned I had an interview last week.  I got the job!  I start next Wednesday and I’m so excited.  I’ll work anywhere from 16 to 30 hours a week.  It will probably be closer to 30 as we get closer to the holidays.  It’s with a small custom fabric printing company.  I can’t wait.  I wish I could have started this past week.  This is just what I need to get out of the funk that I’m in.  I’m more than ready to settle into this company and enjoy my life as it is right now.  No doctors, no medication, no extreme ups and downs, no more wasted time.  I am sad that we’re putting our family aspirations on hold, but my hope is that by the time we both feel ready to try again, we’ll be able to afford to either adopt or buy a house depending on the outcome.  

I’m only 26.  My mom had me at 31 and adopted my sister a couple years after that.  “We have time” has become my mantra.  We have time.  We have time.  We have time.  And everything is going to be ok.

A New Normal

On Sunday morning, I made my way into Raleigh with my husband and mother- and father-in-law in tow to get my first beta of my second transfer.  I was so nervous that I was making myself just sick to my stomach.

We had some time to kill between the 8am blood draw and when church started so we grabbed breakfast.  I checked my clock and checked my clock and checked my clock.  They said they’d call by noon.

Walking into church was a relief.  It was a needed and welcome distraction.  I said “Hello” to a few different people and sat down to just breathe.  Not 5 minutes into church my phone vibrated that I had a voicemail.  It hadn’t even rung.  I walked out to listen to the message that told me that my gut had been right.  There was zero hcg present in my blood.  There was no baby.  The embryos had died somewhere between transfer and then.  The doctor who left the message was so compassionate and so sweet.

I took a few minutes and thought I had myself composed enough to walk back in.  I made it to my seat and then I couldn’t hold back the tears.  I’m thankful our church has a VERY long worship time at the beginning of each Sunday.  The loud music kept me from being too conspicuous.  By the time the sermon started, I had pulled it together.

Since then, I’ve been mostly fine.  As long as no one asks how I am.  I’m not ok with this.  But I have accepted it.

Jeremy and I have talked a lot about when to do our final transfer and we both agree that taking a bit of time off is probably the best course of action for now.  This last transfer was so emotional.  It was so hard to deal with from start to finish.  I may have been healthier physically for this transfer, but I was not healthier emotionally.  I need to get my body and my emotions in check before we do this last transfer.  These last 2 embryos are our last shot at biological children and I owe them the very best chance at life.

So I will continue going to the gym and strengthening my body.  I will work on my emotions and my faith.  My faith has been both shattered and strengthened in these past few weeks, if that’s possible and makes sense.  I will try to return to some kind of normalcy.  My life has been so up in the air since we moved to North Carolina.  That needs to change.  Our track record tells me that I won’t be pregnant or be having a baby any time soon.  It’s time to find a new normal.  A normal that works for our family as it is right now.  If and when our family moves from 2 humans, 2 dogs, and 2 cats to 3 humans, 2 dogs, and 2 cats then our normal will adapt and change with it.

I have a job interview tomorrow.  I applied on Sunday, just a few hours after negative beta and got an interview invite on Monday.  It’s part time, but seems exactly like the kind of job I need right now.  I’m hoping and praying this is the beginning of my new normal.

3.5 weeks to go!

We drove to North Carolina and back to Chicago this weekend.  It was crazy and exhausting, but we feel so much better about moving so far away now.  The drive was long, but not awful.  We got to drive through the mountains and neither of us had seen those mountains before.

We ate GREAT food the whole time we were in Raleigh.  Maybe this sounds silly, but we couldn’t get over the number of tree that are in and around Raleigh.  I’m used to flat land with some trees, but Raleigh’s trees are so dense and beautiful.  It was awesome.

We looked at 7 different houses to rent.  We want to rent for a year before we buy to give us time to get to know the area.  We found two that we really like, both are just outside of Raleigh though.  Our first pick is a townhouse and we’re waiting to see if the owner approves our lease.  It’s looking good though.  Cross your fingers.  It doesn’t have a yard, but nothing we looked at did, so we’ll be doing a lot of walking and using the dog parks.  It’s only a year.  I keep telling myself that. 😉

We had time on Sunday morning before the rest of our showings, so we checked out a church that is by Jeremy’s new office building.  And we loved it.  The pastor was excellent and we met a few really welcoming people.  That made us feel a lot better too. 🙂

It was a good and productive trip.  It really alleviated a lot of our fears about moving.  We just need to get our house listed and sold and things will be looking amazing.

We move in 3 1/2 weeks!

WHAT?!

Well, kids, life has turned upside down, right side up, and back upside down again….

I know I left you hanging after my appointment with Dr. B, but honestly, there wasn’t much to say.  IVF or nothing.  BUT it was the way he said it.  He made me feel guilty for being apprehensive about paying for IVF out of pocket.  He made me feel guilty for wanting to adopt rather than spend $10,000 on a chance to have a baby.  He made me feel horrible.  But I knew it was coming.

And then things got all kinds of wonky.  Every so often, Jeremy applies for a job somewhere else in the country that he thinks looks interesting.  I’ve always said “If we can bring the dogs and cats, then I’m in.”  I never thought it would actually happen.  But it did.  He got called for an interview the day after he turned his application in.  5 interviews and a bit of salary negotiation later and….

We’re moving to Raleigh, North Carolina!!  Weird. Terrifying.  Exciting.  Yes.

But what else? IVF COVERAGE!!!!  It was an amazing offer complete with IVF coverage!  What the what?!

I know, I know, we JUST bought our house last year.  And we JUST got settled.  And we JUST put our fence up and did some lovely landscaping.  However… this feels good.  It feels like a fresh start with fresh and exciting opportunities.  It also feels like the scariest thing I’ve ever done in my life… But we’ll be fine…

We have the chance to create a family in North Carolina.  It’s more of a chance than we’ve had in a long time.  There are two good clinics down there and Dr. B highly recommended the North Carolina Center for Reproductive Medicine.  I might still get to have a baby.  We had talked ourselves out of the possibility, but now that it’s an option again, I think we’re both realizing that it’s still important to us.  It’s something we still want.  Even though we both used to say that we’d never do IVF.  Just kidding. 😉

I’ve never lived outside of Chicago.  And now we’re moving south east and it’s exciting.  We’re going to miss our families and friends like crazy, but I can’t help but think that THIS is where we’re supposed to be now.

We’re planning to move on November 30.  We’ll be down there this weekend to look at houses.

Seeing as we’ve never been to Raleigh, we’ll take any tips or thoughts anyone has about where to live. 😉

More updates soon!

Dear Baby,

Today would have been your due date.  Today should have been such a happy day.  We wanted you so much and haven’t stopped missing you and who you would have been.

Would you have preferred hockey or basketball?  Cats or dogs?  Would your eyes be blue like mine?  Or green like your dad’s?  Would you have a sense of humor like Opa?  Would you have Grandma wrapped around your finger?

No matter who you were, we love you so much it hurts.  It hurts every day knowing that you can’t be with us like we had hoped.

We were so excited when we found out about you.  We were so thankful and so happy to be able to finally share our lives with you.  You would have love our family.  Your dad would have been such a wonderful dad.  He’s so caring and fun.  He takes such good care of us.  Alice and Bella would have grown to love you.  Skill Set and Snow White would have been your best buddies.  We would have read lots of books and played in the snow.  We would have taken you to the beach and built sand castles.  We would have been so happy together.

Sometimes I feel like pieces of me died with you.  But, like ee cummings wrote, “i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)”

I love you, sweet baby.

Baby Socks and Washing Machines

When we decided to start working towards adoption, we also realized that that meant we probably wouldn’t have a baby shower until after the baby was born.  Our parents have offered to buy the larger items when we get matched with a birth mom, but the rest (clothes, bottles, formula, etc.) are things we’ll need before baby comes home.  And because 16% of first attempt adoptions fail, we also realize the need for any newborn clothes to be gender neutral.

Other than the few onesies we I’ve already purchased, our collection of baby paraphernalia is, and rightfully so, pretty slim.  Our solution is to buy a onesie or a pair of newborn pants or a pack of newborn socks every once in a while when we’re out and see something gender neutral we like so that we don’t have to worry about buying everything all at once when the time comes.  Plus, baby clothes are super cute and make us happy.  Our purchases get thrown into the wash, dried, and folded neatly into Baby G’s dresser.

Cue the leaking, dead washing machine.  Snow White had an accident the other day while she was locked in her crate for an hour while I was at the chiropractor.  I threw her bed in the wash (admittedly, it was probably too big to go in our washing machine, but that’s neither here nor there. 😉 ) only to have the washing machine stop and refuse to turn back on after the first wash cycle.  I guiltily called Jeremy and told him it wouldn’t turn back on.  When he got home that night, he proclaimed it’s death and said we would probably have to get a new one.  Crap.  So much for saving for that adoption.  Today, he decided it wouldn’t hurt to pull the whole thing apart.

As he was doing that, we realized we were missing a brand new baby sock.

Twenty minutes later, he pulled it out of the washing machine’s water pump…

This kid isn’t even conceived yet and it’s already causing us problems. 😉  We’re just happy we don’t need a new washer.  And Jeremy feels like a handyman-extraordinaire for finding and fixing the problem.  Now let’s just hope he can put it all back together. :p

Note to self: baby socks get washed in mesh lingerie bags from now on.

Big Fat Negative…

TB test that is… 😉

I got an email Monday afternoon from a high school that was interested in hiring me as a sub.  They needed all of my documentation and a TB test.  Oops.  I  haven’t had a TB test since 1993.  After a quick call to my doctor, I was told since I haven’t seen my general physician in over a year, I had to come in for a complete physical before they would issue the test… Like I haven’t seen enough doctors in the past year, right?  At least this time, I got to keep my pants on…

I went back in today to have it read.  It’s a little blotchy, but they pronounced it negative.  Woo!  I also had a full fasting blood work up done.  My dad was officially diagnosed with heart disease last fall.  After he had a stent put in, the doctor warned my siblings and I that our chances of also developing heart disease is crazy high and that they want us to keep getting our blood work checked even while we’re young.  My doctor wants yearly or bi-yearly work ups done just to be safe.  I’m all over that.  I’d rather not die from a heart attack in my 50’s or 60’s, thanks.

I just sent off my paperwork to the school, so cross your fingers.  Coincidentally, it’s also the high school I went to.  It’s a job.  I’ll take it.

Where are we on the infertility front, you ask?  No where new.  It’s cycle day 28 and we are  2 negative pregnancy tests down.  I pulled the bundle of internet cheapies from the linen closet the other night.  I’ve been a little unsure of them since I bought them 18 months ago, but thought this was a good enough time to start using them.  And then I noticed that they expire in February 2013.  I’ve been trying to have a baby long enough that my pregnancy tests are starting to expire.  I have 7 to go.  Maybe I’ll start taking 2 at a time just to say I used them… 😉

We talked Dr. B’s office into letting us try an unmedicated monitoring cycle next.  They think we’re a little crazy, but we’re really curious to see if the chiropractor is moving any of my numbers around.  Even a slight shift will let us know we’re on the right track.  And if nothing’s changing?  Well, we’ll have to deal with that.

I also have an appointment with a midwife on Tuesday.  After the clomid debacle with Dr. M, I really don’t feel comfortable going back to her.  But I also don’t think I should be without a lady doctor on the slim chance that I manage to conceive within the next month or two.  I really wanted to use a midwife when we finally got pregnant anyway, I’m just switching over sooner.  This midwifery practice is at the same hospital as Dr. B and practices in the same office as the OB’s, so if any emergency were to happen, someone would be there.  For now though, it’s just a check up/ meeting.

Other than that, things are mostly the same.  Graduate school is kicking my butt, but in a different way than last semester.  I know what to expect now, I’m just really busy.  I still really enjoy it though, and that’s the main thing I suppose.

One way or another, you’ll hear from me in a few days. ❤

PS. CONGRATS to Laughing Promises on the birth of Cody James!!!

25: Goodbye Pain

We’ve been with the chiropractor for about a month now and I think I can truly say that it’s working.  No, we’re not pregnant (we didn’t even try this past cycle), but I feel a huge difference in my body…

I used to go to bed at night with my lower back and hips just aching.  It would take me a while to fall asleep every night because of it.  Nothing really relieved it.  A couple weeks ago, I noticed that I was getting into bed at night and falling right asleep.  I didn’t have any more pain in my hips or my lower back.  I’m not sure when it happened, it might have been gradual, but I definitely notice it now.  It’s great. 🙂

I felt myself ovulate this month.  On my own.  On day 14.  On my own.  I felt it.  On day 14.  On my own.  Did I mention it was on DAY 14?  Not day 19 or 17 or 21.  14.  Plus I had a host of other fertile signs that I’ve only ever read about.  Winning.

Finalllllyyy, my period started today.  Making my cycle last exactly 28 days.  What the what?!  Maybe this is all coincidental, but I’m feeling confident that Dr G and Dr G are really helping me.  Plus the plethora of vitamins they have me on has my skin SO clear.  More clear than it’s been on any medication.  We’re feeling good.  We’re feeling hopeful.

Until someone else announces their pregnancy that they just sort of thought about having…  Or didn’t think about.. I hate people.

They’ve officially told us not to try, but to not prevent anything either.  25 months and counting.

In other news, grad classes start in 2 weeks, my ESL class starts back up (hopefully) in 2 weeks, and tutoring starts in a week and a half.  I’m so ready for things to get going again.

I plopped my application to start substitute teaching in the mail on Wednesday.  Super exciting, right? 😉  My spring is shaping up to be nice and busy.

I’m also desperate to start gardening again… And since it’s supposed to be in the 40’s next week, I’m wondering how long we’ll have to wait. 🙂

Winter Break and Chiro Updates

Welll, finals are over and winter break is finally here.  I’m more than ready for this chance to relax and work on some projects around the house that have been put off since we moved in.  Our goal over winter break is to get the pantry/laundry room put together.

I LOVE my laundry room.  It’s right off the kitchen and makes doing laundry so crazy convenient.  BUT, the room itself is poorly utilized.  There’s a built in desk, a shelf above the washer/dryer, and a couple cabinets sitting on the floor.  There’s a TON of wall space just begging for shelving.  While we don’t necessarily need the extra space, it’s silly to not use it.  Hopefully we’ll need it eventually.  We’re also going to put a door up.  Right now, you can see right into it from the dinning room.  The water softener is not the most attractive appliance we own.

I’m hoping to start working on that as soon as we get home from Christmas — we’re going to my mom and step dad’s cabin on the 24th and staying until the 26th or 27th.  I was originally apprehensive about going away for Christmas, but the idea is growing on me.  I haven’t woken up on Christmas morning with both of my sisters in 8 or 9 years, so it will be special.  That was one of the things I missed most after I got married, but I wanted Jeremy and I to do our own thing Christmas mornings, to start our own traditions.  Throw in the fact that my birthday is on Christmas and things get all kinds of complicated. 😉

Which brings me to… 25.  A week from tomorrow and I’ll be turning 25. It’s my golden birthday.  I’m feeling better about my birthday this year than I did last year.  I’m assuming it’s because life is more on track and has the potential to be so much more.  I still have no desire to celebrate.  I used to love my birthday and planning birthday events, but it seems like a waste of time now.  It’s a reminder that someone is missing.  Maybe I’ll change my mind next week and plan a belated birthday party, but maybe not.  Last Christmas was excruciating.  I’m crossing my fingers that this year will be better.

Some new news on the chiropractic front.  I met with Dr. G’s wife — Dr. G 😉 — and I think she’s becoming my primary chiropractor.  Which is fine with me.  She’s super sweet and is obviously a wealth of knowledge.  She’s got me on a crazy overload of vitamins because she thinks I’m horribly deficient in almost everything.  I’ve been taking a prenatal vitamin for more than 2 years now, but she’s doubled that on top of everything else she prescribed.  She thinks she can help me sleep better at night, help with my digestive problems, lower my stress levels, heal my pelvis, and help me get pregnant.   I’m hopeful.  I’m willing to give it time to work.  They checked Jeremy out over the weekend, assuming he would have some kind of contributing factor to all of this.  No.  They actually said he’s perfect.  It’s just me.  Of course.  But they think they can fix it, not just treat it, so that’s really all that matters.

Our real concern now? birth control… fml.

Chiropractic Infertility Treatment

I LOVE this graphic.  I found it on pinterest and can’t find the source.  But I just thought it was so perfect.

  Still waiting on my period to start.  I’ve had a little spotting off and on, but nothing more yet.  Of course.  If it starts today, or even tomorrow, we still have a shot at an IUI this month.  BUT, I finally made another appointment with Dr. B.  We haven’t seen him since the end of our monitoring cycle in August and I just really need to know where we’re at and what he thinks.

I want to pick his brain about a diagnosis.  Will he want to do a lap?  I’m just not content with his wait and see/ conservative approach and I want to know why my cycles continue to be so wonky despite the huge amounts of extra hormones we’re pumping into my body.  So we go see him again two weeks from yesterday.

I also made an appointment with a local chiropractor to get my uterus, my hips, and my lower back checked.  My cousin and her husband are chiropractors and really advocate using adjustments to keep the whole body healthy.  I chatted with her last night about it and she said there are a lot of connections between your hips, lower back, and uterus.  I wish I could go see them, but they live in Grand Rapids. 😦 I’m going to see this guy on Saturday morning.  I’ve always had a lot of hip and lower back pain, so maybe there’s something to this.   Any tips or personal experiences about chiropractic infertility treatments?

In other news, I’m pushing through final projects.  One week from tonight and I’ll be done for the semester!  I’m drinking too much coffee and not getting nearly enough sleep.  And I’m definitely not eating well.  Prenatal vitamins?  Oopsies…  Thank goodness we took this cycle off.

On Tuesday, Snow White had her first vet appointment.  It went well.  Afterwards, we met my sister and her goldendoodle, Mr. Smith, at the dog park so the cousins could play together.  Snow White never stops running. 😉

It’s finally cooling down here (again).  The greyhounds are back in their jackets when we go outside.  And they’ve both fallen in love with our wood burning fireplace. 😉