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Everything is going to be ok.

23 Aug

Thank you for your kind words after last post.  

I think we’re doing better.  I know I’m doing better.  

I scheduled an appointment with Dr. M on September 10th.  While they told me I could get going on the last transfer right away, I asked if it would be ok if we took some time off.  Indefinitely.  Yes, we still have 2 embryos.  Yes, we still desperately want children.  No, we’re not going to work on adopting in the meantime.  No, we won’t be trying naturally.  I’ve been given the go ahead to stay on birth control until we decide that we’re ready to use our last 2 embryos.  I’m thankful they’re ok with this because I’m pretty sure the endometriosis I spent all of last summer battling has returned and is starting to make my life miserable again.  Birth control is my friend.  I will tell you that popping a birth control pill and a prenatal vitamin every night is it’s own kind of special weirdness.

Jeremy is hoping I’ll be ready to try again by the end of the year because we’ve met our out of pocket max on our health insurance this year.  If we transfer before December 31, we’ll only pay our normal clinic fee and meds, ultrasound, blood work, and transfer will be covered.  Part of me hopes I’ll be ready by then too, but a larger part of me knows I need more time than that.  

I don’t have any faith in these embryos or in my body and that’s not how I want to move forward with them.

With all that being the case, it is time for me to get out of the house.  I’ve been home and waiting for something to happen for the past 8 1/2 months.  I’ve been getting more and more antsy and anxious as time has gone on.  I’m not a homebody.  I like seeing people for the most part.

I mentioned I had an interview last week.  I got the job!  I start next Wednesday and I’m so excited.  I’ll work anywhere from 16 to 30 hours a week.  It will probably be closer to 30 as we get closer to the holidays.  It’s with a small custom fabric printing company.  I can’t wait.  I wish I could have started this past week.  This is just what I need to get out of the funk that I’m in.  I’m more than ready to settle into this company and enjoy my life as it is right now.  No doctors, no medication, no extreme ups and downs, no more wasted time.  I am sad that we’re putting our family aspirations on hold, but my hope is that by the time we both feel ready to try again, we’ll be able to afford to either adopt or buy a house depending on the outcome.  

I’m only 26.  My mom had me at 31 and adopted my sister a couple years after that.  “We have time” has become my mantra.  We have time.  We have time.  We have time.  And everything is going to be ok.

Embryos are Transferred!

1 Aug

We got up this morning and went for an easy hike.  It was a nice time to spend with my husband and our hounds.  It was nice to be outside and moving before transfer.  It helped with my stress levels to just be active.

10588191_730149073784_1199771008_oAnd then I took a valium and we were on our way to the clinic.  Last time, I was trying not to throw up on our way to transfer, but this time it seemed to be a lot easier to remain calm.  I convinced myself that if anything was wrong with the embryos we would have heard by then.

They took us back pretty quickly.  This time we both got to change into gowns.  We both had hair nets and booties. 🙂  And then they showed us our embryos.  The first two THAWED PERFECTLY!!!  Which means we still have 2 frozen. 🙂  I can’t be more thankful and more relieved.  Also, I’m pretty sure I was given a higher dose of valium this time. 😉

We were so impressed with the facility and professionalism at UNC today.  The doctor was gentle and positive.  The nurses were compassionate and helpful.  The embryologist was thorough and cautious. The OR was super modern, clean and impressive.

The whole experience was a million times better than the last time at the last clinic.  I feel so much more calm and relaxed this time.

No bedrest this time.  I’m supposed to take it easy today, but I can go back to being active tomorrow.  The nurse said I could be as active as I feel comfortable with.  I think I’m going to stick to brisk walking and easy hiking.  No weights, yoga, or running for now.

Beta #1 is Sunday, August 10th.  Please pray for these two goldfish. We have so much hope for them. <3<3


FET #2 is Scheduled!

11 Jul

EEK, you guys!  They scheduled FET #2!  Apparently, UNC skips the period part and goes straight to meds.  I guess that makes sense considering they had me take 26 days of birth control instead of the normal 14 days.

My estrogen got super high last FET.  Close to 1500.  Maybe starting like this will keep it a bit lower?  We’ll see.

I go in for my baseline tomorrow and start taking Estrace 3 times a day on Sunday. 🙂

Projected FET #2 date: Friday, August 1.  Which means our first beta falls on Sunday, August 10.

I’m excited.  I got so excited as soon as I found out it was scheduled.  I was worried I’d be a weepy mess for the next 3 weeks, but I’m so ready!

Embryos En Route

1 Jul

Our embryos have just embarked on their 10 mile journey to the new clinic.

They were picked up from Cary, NC 20 minutes ago and will be delivered to UNC in Raleigh tomorrow.  This is the last step in getting completely transferred to the new clinic.  And the last piece of the puzzle for our second FET.

While I would have preferred to transport them myself, I’m just thankful it’s almost done.  So If you have a minute, say a little prayer for our last 4 embryos.  These 10 miles will be some longs ones.

Leg 2



Oh, here it goes again

17 Jun

I know I’ve been off the radar here for the past 6 weeks.  Honestly?  I just didn’t know what to say.  I can’t get a handle on my emotions half the time, so putting it into writing would have been a hot mess.  I had nothing new to post as it took more than 8 weeks for my period to come back post miscarriage.
I was all ready to begin a week of provera when it finally started on its own.  The funny thing (and I mean this in a completely not humorous kind of way) is that I was without a period post pregnancy for longer than  I was actually pregnant. It was a relief when it started on its own because it felt like my body was telling me that it was ready to try again.  My body was actually ready before I was.  I still don’t feel ready.  But I know if I don’t do this, if I take too much longer, I won’t ever be able to.

I started my birth control on Friday.  UNC does 3 to 4 weeks of birth control, which puts our 2nd FET at the beginning of August.  About 6 weeks to go…

Today, I went in to have my 2nd saline ultrasound of the year done.  They needed to make sure everything was clear post miscarriage and, thank God, it was.  But I’d forgotten how much those hurt.  While they hurt during for me, I think the 6 hours afterwards are always worse.  I curled up on the couch and zoned out all afternoon.

They also did the mock transfer today.  This was one of the features of UNC that I really liked.  They do a trial transfer just to make sure there are no surprises on the day of.  If you remember my first transfer, it was an awful experience.  I was so crampy and so stressed out and Dr. T did NOT help things.  Today, after she got the speculum in, she was super encouraging and told me just to relax and breathe.  She did three trial transfers before I even knew what happened.  I didn’t feel a thing.  She was so gentle.  I’m pretty sure I told her that I love her.   And I do.  I’ve been in and out of this office a few times since we decided to switch to them in May and each time I see them, call them, or email them, I’m so impressed with the quality of their care.  I was carrying so much stress and fear about this transfer and I have to say that today they alleviated 90% of it.

Tomorrow, they’ll call with my FET schedule.  After that, I still need to have my embryos shipped.  That’s a process that deserves it’s own post entirely…

And outside of infertility this month….

My oldest little brother graduated from high school on June 1.  I got to fly up to see it happen. 🙂



We celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary last Thursday.  A movie was about all I could manage.  I love him.




And we joined my Jeremy’s family in Kentucky this past weekend for the first annual family camping trip. 🙂




Ps. I’ve lost 7 pounds!  You probably can’t tell, but I can! 🙂

Beta #2

4 Apr

The last time I lost a baby, the numbers started out bad and just got worse.  We knew right away that it was unlikely that our baby was going to make it.  It was devastating, but I’m thankful it happened early and I’m thankful it was swift.

This time, I was able to be blissfully pregnant (or however blissful an infertile woman being pregnant ever can be) for 9 whole days.  The pregnancy tests were dark and obvious.  They showed up quickly.  They were beautiful.  My progesterone check and first beta were beautiful and indicative of at least 1 healthy, growing baby.  Just a few days ago, Jeremy and I were laying in bed and I realized that for the first time in 3 1/2 years, things felt so good.  Things felt right and wonderful.  I couldn’t have asked for anything more than what I had at that moment.  I was starving and exhausted all the time, but it was the most wonderful feeling.

I woke up yesterday morning knowing that I had made it to 5 weeks.  I had made it further than I ever had before.   The night before, I ordered yarn for the baby’s blanket.  Things just felt so wonderful.

And then I went to have beta #2 drawn and waited in terror for some reason until the nurse finally called me at 2:45.  My beautiful first beta of 80 had dropped.  To just 31.  I tried to keep hysterics under control while the nurse tried to relay information from the doctor.  That has to be the worst part of her job.  I could tell she just felt so bad.

According to the doctor, our best case scenario means that we lost one baby and the other is trying to hang on, but doing poorly.  Worst case scenario is that we have lost them both.  I will have a 3rd beta drawn tomorrow and that will tell us everything.

This is feels so much like the last time now.  We’re just waiting to find out.  Jeremy is hoping for the best.  I’m finding it hard to be optimistic at all.  Any thoughts and prayers will be appreciated.  More tomorrow.

Beta #1

1 Apr

Beta #1 was this morning and it came back at 80.  I was really hoping for a higher number, but the nurse said they just want it to be higher than 50 at 2 weeks post transfer.  I tested 2 days early, so they’re super happy with my beta.  She said everything looks just perfect so far.  Coupled with my nice high progesterone, I have two very healthy numbers.

So I’m back in Thursday and Saturday to make sure everything is doubling appropriately.  As long as Saturday’s comes back fine, we can go ahead and schedule my first ultrasound. 🙂

I had always thought that once I got pregnant again that I would start knitting up a storm.  That I would be going crazy as I created this excellent knitted wardrobe for this amazing little person.  Since we found out, I haven’t been able to pick up a pair of needles or sit at my sewing machine with the thought of knitting for a baby.  Any baby.  I know this fear stems from the fact that anything I knit right now will be for this baby.  It will belong to him or her.  And if he or she doesn’t make it, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to use that piece of clothing for another baby.
I know it’s still so early, but it’s just so interesting how much my feelings changed once we actually got what we’ve been waiting for.  I’m sure once things move on, I’ll be able to start creating things for this new little life.  Maybe it will be after our 3rd beta, maybe after the ultrasound, or maybe it won’t be until 24 weeks.  It makes me all the more thankful that I’ve been knitting for our babies during all the time we’ve been waiting.  Even if I can’t bring myself to knit for him or her this whole pregnancy, he or she already has a plethora of sweaters and booties waiting.

I made myself sew the buttons on this sweater the day we found out.  Thankfully, it was 100% completed otherwise.  It matches the teal booties I made after our egg retrieval. 🙂