A New Normal

12 Aug

On Sunday morning, I made my way into Raleigh with my husband and mother- and father-in-law in tow to get my first beta of my second transfer.  I was so nervous that I was making myself just sick to my stomach.

We had some time to kill between the 8am blood draw and when church started so we grabbed breakfast.  I checked my clock and checked my clock and checked my clock.  They said they’d call by noon.

Walking into church was a relief.  It was a needed and welcome distraction.  I said “Hello” to a few different people and sat down to just breathe.  Not 5 minutes into church my phone vibrated that I had a voicemail.  It hadn’t even rung.  I walked out to listen to the message that told me that my gut had been right.  There was zero hcg present in my blood.  There was no baby.  The embryos had died somewhere between transfer and then.  The doctor who left the message was so compassionate and so sweet.

I took a few minutes and thought I had myself composed enough to walk back in.  I made it to my seat and then I couldn’t hold back the tears.  I’m thankful our church has a VERY long worship time at the beginning of each Sunday.  The loud music kept me from being too conspicuous.  By the time the sermon started, I had pulled it together.

Since then, I’ve been mostly fine.  As long as no one asks how I am.  I’m not ok with this.  But I have accepted it.

Jeremy and I have talked a lot about when to do our final transfer and we both agree that taking a bit of time off is probably the best course of action for now.  This last transfer was so emotional.  It was so hard to deal with from start to finish.  I may have been healthier physically for this transfer, but I was not healthier emotionally.  I need to get my body and my emotions in check before we do this last transfer.  These last 2 embryos are our last shot at biological children and I owe them the very best chance at life.

So I will continue going to the gym and strengthening my body.  I will work on my emotions and my faith.  My faith has been both shattered and strengthened in these past few weeks, if that’s possible and makes sense.  I will try to return to some kind of normalcy.  My life has been so up in the air since we moved to North Carolina.  That needs to change.  Our track record tells me that I won’t be pregnant or be having a baby any time soon.  It’s time to find a new normal.  A normal that works for our family as it is right now.  If and when our family moves from 2 humans, 2 dogs, and 2 cats to 3 humans, 2 dogs, and 2 cats then our normal will adapt and change with it.

I have a job interview tomorrow.  I applied on Sunday, just a few hours after negative beta and got an interview invite on Monday.  It’s part time, but seems exactly like the kind of job I need right now.  I’m hoping and praying this is the beginning of my new normal.


9 Responses to “A New Normal”

  1. wtfovaries August 12, 2014 at 2:45 pm #

    I am sor sorry about your beta news. Good luck on your interview!

    • Jessica August 12, 2014 at 2:49 pm #

      Thank you!

      I am surprising excited about going back to work. 🙂

  2. Amanda August 12, 2014 at 3:07 pm #

    Ughh, so sorry for the negative beta! I felt the same after my failed FET… I just needed some time. It was just so emotional. Hoping you can find your feet soon.

  3. Jen August 12, 2014 at 3:32 pm #

    I’m so sorry to hear this. I think some time off might do you guys some good. Good luck with your interview. Thinking of you.

  4. Jillian August 12, 2014 at 4:49 pm #

    I am sorry about your news. You are a strong person – hang on. (Good luck with the job interview – it’s a little thing compared to all of this – but I hope it goes well for you.

  5. Mom August 12, 2014 at 4:54 pm #


  6. Not-So-Fertile Girl August 12, 2014 at 6:44 pm #

    I’m just so sorry about the beta chica. :-/ I will continue to pray for you as you take this time for yourselves. I think going back to working will be a good distraction and give you something else to “be” for right now. Good luck with the interview. xo

  7. Stefanie @ My Crazy Beautiful Life August 12, 2014 at 9:43 pm #

    Very sorry, I’m thinking of you.

  8. swisswife August 13, 2014 at 11:50 am #

    I’m so sorry 😦

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